Dear Ocean Shayan,

you are welcome, and thank you for your kind words!

I got divorced from my first wife within a month of this ‘Angelic guy’ coming to my house. He also gave reasons for my wife’s walking away saying God was ‘against’ me and he said it was actually Buddha who was speaking through him.

Does it mean his words reassured your ex wife that she should divorce you? I am sorry it ended like that, but also that you found love again, got married and have a child. Congratulations!

It’s also good that you’ve bounced back after the financial losses during covid.

Good to hear you’re exercising regularly. It’s interesting what you’ve noticed that a certain position of your foot/heel reduces the amount of negative thoughts you’re having. Haven’t heard of that before, although I know of the benefits of exercising on our mental health.

It seems you’re doing better than before covid and have a good, fulfilling life. And that you don’t worry that much, but as you said, are focusing on the present moment. Keep up the good work! And write whenever you feel the need!

Dear Ocean Shayan,

I’ve known people who claimed to be channeling deities, angels etc. I even believed them for a while, but then started to see through the scam. They too talked about the end of the world, and the need to save the world. It’s a very frequent narrative. And if your guy asked for money to back his “save the world” project, it’s a clear sign it was a scam.

Finally managed to free myself from his grasp, though he seemed quite genuine.

It’s great that you managed to free yourself from his grip. Even if he had some psychic abilities, it doesn’t mean he was well-meaning and sincere.

You said it happened a few years ago, when you were going through a rough phase. It’s actually quite common that we are more susceptible in vulnerable periods of our life. How are you feeling about it now?

Hi SereneWolf,

Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!

I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.

If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).  If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?

I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others

Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?

I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?

Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions… well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?

Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…

Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…

And it took me years to realize that

Better later than never! 🙂

Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone.

Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…

Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.

Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.

So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.

Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.

I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?

Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.

You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.

So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…

This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now

Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!

And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…

Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?

In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!

But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too

Cheers to that! 🙂 And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!

Hi Adam,

how are things? How have you been doing?

P.S. I now realize that I’ve probably misunderstood this sentence:

She said they worked it out and are good friends now, but it was abig betrayal there.

You probably meant that X and Y worked it out since, not X and the guy who assaulted her, right?

Dear Joyce,

to start a new topic, go to Forums –> All Forums,  and then select a category in which you want to post (e.g. Relationships, Tough Times, etc).

In my experience, each post that contains a link automatically goes to moderation. So if you want your post to appear instantly, don’t include any links.

I hope this helps.

Hi SereneWolf,

I have a question. What’s your absolute favorite thing to do on weekends that isn’t productivity related?

My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard 🙁

my main concern is I don’t like when people feel discomfort around me or specially because of me. It could be because of my childhood wound as well. You see my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out so I was constantly anxious and worried about his mood swings.

Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?

You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):

I also don’t like being around people who are always projecting negative energy and criticizing others all the time. Or when they trying to be dominant with me for what they want.

You also say you don’t like manipulation:

I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others.

I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?

But I believe particularly sensitive to the emotions of others, and I kind of struggle with managing my own emotions in response to others.

Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?

I do think it’s kind of a healthy thing since I like things straight forward and it’s something that is easier to read from her? In my previous relationships none of them was this much emotionally expressive I had to ask them things so they can let out things you know.. Yet still I wasn’t sure about it. But Now I have this newfound appreciation for this kind of emotional authenticity? (Don’t know if that’s a right word)

I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?

But now I’m realizing how much more work that I have to do.. and it feels like a lot

What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?

Yes but finding that kind of a person isn’t easy either. With me, I got really emotionally invested and thought I can work and maintain on these things but yeah it’s definitely a two-person job.

Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…

Hmm really? How I’d be able to recognize that?

Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…

Thing that I’m trying to do is that trying to make notes from my past where I took decision and I was right about it so my rational mind don’t always ask me question about it and be little more confident you know..

Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?

I also had an appointment with my therapist. She told me I’m doing quite good progress.

Glad about that!

And I talked about CPTSD as well. So listened things carefully and ask me lot of scenario type questions about my childhood. But she said she isn’t sure about and said there is really mild signs about it. But still we can work on it.

Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.

So she asked me What happens if you buy something expensive without asking your parents? How they’d react and how you’d feel?

And I said I’d still feel hesitant about it because I’d be worried what they’d think and feel guilty because I haven’t even asked them.

So she asked me questions like that and said I still have fearful emotional pattern that I need to work on. Even though now I’m financially independent now I’m still attached to this kind of unhealthy emotional bond…

Right.. so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.

Fearful emotional patten and self-esteem these two things mainly she gave me homework for… Because like we talked, she said because of long term of criticism from every side (even my inner critic) My self-esteem took lot of damage and I have to heal that…

Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…

She actually suggested me to talk more with my parents about this kind of things so they would be aware that I’m much more grown up than what they might think

What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.

Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo 🙂

What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.

What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…