Hi TheltFactor,

I just want to expand on something. When I earlier said that your boyfriend was non-committed but exclusive, I was referring to his behavior of being emotionally not committed to you, since he thought he might find someone better. So in his heart and mind, he wasn’t committed to you, i.e. he didn’t choose you fully. He was exclusive in terms of dating, but emotionally he wasn’t committed.

But now, it seems he got committed emotionally – he said he doesn’t want to let his fear run the show and he doesn’t want to keep pushing you away (emotionally).

So I guess the key factor here is to be emotionally committed – committed in is heart and mind.

Hi SereneWolf,

Hmm that’s right. Is that could the same reason I can’t spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energy…

Yes, definitely. I mean, a part of the problem could be that you’re an introvert and you don’t feel good in large crowds (I am like that too!). But a part of the problem could be that you see people as different, and yourself as alien, and this might contribute to feeling trapped or endangered in some way.

Hmm I hope so… She seems quite sensitive

In what sense? Can you give me an example?

Oh yeah you’re right I’m not comparing and I am aware that I’m capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least I’m trying)

Great! At least you’re aware what to watch out for, and even if you start comparing yourself with others, you can recognize it as an inner critic mechanism, and know that it’s a lie, it’s an illusion, not reality.

Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that I’ve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I don’t have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know

Well, this term “emotional self-sufficiency” just kind of came to me, I haven’t read it anywhere. I did look it up now and it has both positive and negative connotations. But what I meant is that we are wired for connection (Henry Cloud’s video “Why it’s important to stay connected” talks about it. I mentioned it a while ago and I think you watched it).

Healthy relationships are good for our health and well-being. For example, married men live longer. And for women, those women live longer who have a network of supportive friendships. So emotional giving and receiving is very important. In that sense I said that emotional self-sufficiency isn’t a good thing: it’s not good if we don’t have emotional exchange and connection with anyone. And if we guard ourselves from it.

It doesn’t mean we should be needy and clingy. Someone who is alone can be happy and fulfilled too. But someone who is emotionally healthy will not guard themselves from emotional closeness with safe and supportive people. Because that’s what makes our life richer and more enjoyable…

Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons I’m scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.

So you’re afraid you wouldn’t know how to react if your partner is sad or anxious?

I don’t know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldn’t even want spend lot of time with.. I don’t know how to explain properly but yeah I guess I’m running away because that feeling.

I guess you’re filtering out the very strict and judgmental types automatically – you’re not attracted to that type of girls. I mean, your current girlfriend is self-confident, but she’s probably not judgmental like your father, so it doesn’t trigger the escape reflex immediately?

But there are other reasons as well. Like It’s my curiosity so I’m just striving for exploring more and novelty so I don’t feel like I’m missing out..

I think that’s just an excuse. Because there are girls who like traveling and exploring similarly like you. Maybe girls wouldn’t appreciate some reckless feats, if that’s what you’re into. But definitely there are adventurous types out there, with whom you wouldn’t need to miss out on anything.

Haha I’m glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that you’re working on?

Staying positive and optimistic in spite of persistent health problems and chronic pain….

Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?

Absolutely yes. It’s when our rational mind is not in the forefront, and we’re in touch with our senses and our intuition… that’s when the best ideas come…

Haha I don’t think that’s a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if it’s just a single person and if I don’t like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well.

Maybe this is same problem that you were talking about above – you don’t like crowds because they drain your energy? But maybe it can be applied to certain people too – they drain your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that?

As for not falling asleep in the afternoon, how about watching some of those videos on your watch list? 🙂 (Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still haven’t watched it.) Because for me, such videos (not all, but with good presenters) can be quite captivating and not something I’d doze off with 🙂

Hmm so I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying “not nice” things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldn’t like it.. same for my father.

I see… well, how big of a tattoo are you planning? If it’s huge and sort of “in your face”, it might not be good from a business perspective either – if you want to present yourself as a solid business person. But if it’s something more discrete, it’s very common nowadays and not a big deal. And if it would make you happy, why not…

Hi John,

When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.

Yes it does, and you might believe that by resisting to her demands, you will hurt her, or make her angry, and this feels bad.

In 2016, when you tried to talk to her like an adult, your wife got angry with you:

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me

It seems she also turned the conservation around and started complaining about her own issues:

It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic

It seems she started complaining how hard it is for her, totally disregarding your pain. And perhaps you felt that you are causing her pain, and this is what stopped you?

So perhaps when you want to express yourself, or claim anything for yourself, she starts complaining and pitying herself, and this causes a sense of guilt in you?

Dear John,

I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser

Do you believe this too – that you are a loser? Because this belief will prevent you from taking any action… What you’d need is self-compassion. Because it could be that the voice of the inner critic is very strong in you, and it adds to the voice of your wife, who is your external critic. So maybe you believe the criticism your wife is hurling at you, and you agree with it (at least partially), telling yourself what a loser you are. Is this what is happening?

Dear Katrine,

thanks for your concern. I too hope there will be some improvement soon.

As for the head chef, I don’t know why they are keeping him if he sometimes goes off his medications and uses alcohol and drugs. He isn’t stable. They could make his stay dependent on whether he is taking his medicine or not. Like this, he is just terrorizing people.

It’s good you’re not directly exposed to his moods, and that your guy won’t be working there any more. But still, your manager’s attitude isn’t encouraging. Btw is 72-hr work week a norm in the kitchen, or something your guy took on voluntarily because he needed the money? Because I think people usually get at least 2 days off with such schedule.

Regarding your previous crush, I understand it now a bit better. He didn’t say that he would write to you, but to your new guy. And you weren’t at the table when he joined. So it can’t be said that he tried to usurp the two of you from having some privacy.

my guy then left to smoke and he just stayed there. I expected him to leave since he doesn’t usually talk to me when other collegues can see.

How come? Because it seems your colleagues know you’re dating…

It’s interesting he wasn’t jealous that the guy you previously had a crush on is chatting with you. Have you talked about it? I mean, have you told him you don’t have feelings for the other guy anymore?

He mentioned that he doesn’t start something unless he is sure that he is really interested (he finds relationships hard too due to trauma as well) it made me nervous but then he kissed me and hugged me.

That’s a good sign! This means he is really interested and he isn’t just fooling around. And he did kiss you even if he was nervous.

 I really really like him and we had a really good time together the day before he left,

Has he kissed you on Sunday too? I mean, are you now officially dating or it’s still unsure?

I am very worried that him being away for that long is gonna make him forget about me. He isn’t a person who text a lot, he’s more in the present. He said that it’s not easy for him to be away from me for that long and that he is gonna miss me.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is playing games. And he told you he is serious about his intentions. And that he’s going to miss you. So I think you don’t have anything to worry about. But maybe you can ask him to keep in touch regularly, so you know what’s going on with him? I mean, if you’re now officially dating, you can express your preferences, you don’t need to hold back so much…

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh I hope you’ll be better. You still haven’t found a good doctor?

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Yup I think I’ve learned my lesson there haha

Good, that’s an important lesson! 🙂

Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times I’m like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like I’m some alien

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isn’t easy.

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now I’m thinking as like people’s strength.

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I don’t even remember when I did that last time.

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesn’t it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I don’t want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So I’ll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesn’t see this as like bowl of water but more like a river…

So last time you said you’re starting to feel that you’re not hard to love. Which is fantastic! Just keep doing that, keep affirming that to yourself.

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

You’ve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. I’m grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Yeah even in work I’m really result-driven. So you’re right I may have adopted his persona. As I’ve told now I’m much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.

Good that you’re aware of this drill-sergeant persona and are learning how to keep it at bay!

But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah it’s true that even though most of the time I’m visiting same places now it doesn’t bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

My job isn’t boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently I’m working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap 🙂 If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently 🙂

Umm I’m not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they won’t stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?

Dear TheltFactor,

I too think it was a good decision that you set a boundary and said No to an open relationship.

It seems you at first weren’t too bothered by his unwillingness to commit and his talk about wanting to “explore” what’s out there. But as the time went by and the relationship got deeper, you naturally developed strong feelings and wanted to become exclusive and serious. He however hasn’t changed his stance (he said he feels no need to “reevaluate”), in spite of deep intimacy and great compatibility between you. Which tells me that he indeed has some fears and blocks, which won’t go away on their own, even if you two have amazing compatibility.

Actually I believe that his alleged desire to explore other women and engage in an open relationship might be a cop out. You said he never went on dates while he was with you (although he was regularly mentioning his fear that there is a better match out there). You also said he is very conservative. So I guess he doesn’t really want an open relationship, but rather, he wants to have his cake and eat it too: he wants the non-committed status with you, while still enjoying the intimacy and great time with you.

I clarified that I do want to be with him but also don’t want to be settled for and cannot compromise my integrity as I know I would be getting hurt more.

I believe you’ve realized that you don’t want to be in a casual relationship any more, even though you agreed to it in the beginning. It’s completely natural that after a year of dating and developing a strong bond, you want to be his only one. You don’t want to listen to his stories about a better match out there – as if you’re not good enough. As if you’re a backup until something better comes along.

I mean, even if he doesn’t really want anyone else, his mind is telling him that he should be wanting it. And I think it’s a defense mechanism on his part, because he for some reason doesn’t want to commit. Perhaps because his marriage failed, or perhaps because he still has unresolved issues with his wife. There is a reason why he separated but hasn’t got divorced – maybe it’s not just logistical, but something else?

In any case, he seems unavailable at the moment – unavailable to fully commit to you. When you tried to pressure him and make him reevaluate, he came up with an even less committal solution, a solution that creates even more distance, which is an open relationship. Which means that his “solution” is to run further away from you, rather than get closer. Which shows how strong his fear of commitment is.

Currently, I am curious what he will say when the time comes but I am also just living my life as always.

It’s good that you’re not desperate to have him in your life. You said you have a fulfilling life, and you also respect yourself enough not to settle for something that would demean you.

You’ve also realized that a non-committed but exclusive relationship is not an option for you either, because it would only hurt you more. I wish you to stay strong and not settle for less than a fully committed, loving relationship!

Dear A,

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day.

Although you’re not looking for comforting words, I think the best place to start is self-compassion. I agree with Peter that it’s easier to make changes if we don’t approach it from the place of self-blame and criticism, but rather, trying to understand ourselves and why we are the way we are…

I have always had a casual approach to life, with no control over my emotions, addicted to short-term pleasure, and doing the bare minimum.

There is a reason why you don’t have control over your emotions… one possibility is that perhaps your parents didn’t know how to soothe you when you were upset, or they didn’t have time to deal with your emotional states? What I am trying to say is that it’s not your fault, but the consequence of the outer circumstances. Addiction to short-term pleasure could be (just as an example) the consequence of the belief that one is a failure, or that they are incompetent, and so they need to soothe the pain of that feeling by engaging in short-term pleasures. Doing the bare minimum can be the result of the same belief…

I am giving these examples to illustrate that there is a reason for why you behave the way you behave. And that you shouldn’t blame yourself and tell yourself you’re pathetic, but rather try to understand yourself. And have empathy for yourself. That will allow you to start the kind of changes that are deep and sustainable, not just temporary.

I agree with Peter that the best is to take it day-by-day. Start with small changes, don’t expect perfection and sudden wonders. Just something small and positive every day. A knee surgery might be necessary, and even if the recovery is long, it will be better in the long run and allow you to return to normal life. You need to accept that, not fight against it. As Peter said, some things we need to accept, because that’s the only way we can go through them and heal.

I’d love to talk to you more about your process and about the feelings that come up, if you’d like to.

Wishing you good luck!