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October 5, 2021 at 10:46 am in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #387096
Tee
ParticipantDear Ryan,
I am highly self-critical–and critical in general, though I try to keep the criticisms to myself.
A romantic relationship means being wholly vulnerable and open, which is something I’ve been unwilling to do. There’s a commitment and an intimacy that I cannot seem to maintain.
Are you afraid that the woman would sooner or later start criticizing you? The women you’ve been with in the past few years have praised you a lot…. but could it be that deep down, you don’t believe you deserve to be praised… because you feel unfit: “I am not stable enough for this world“, and you feel like you are one step from failing at work. You see yourself as a failure, and you believe it’s just a matter of time before the woman you are with discovers it. So you leave before she realizes how “inadequate” you actually are?
Tee
ParticipantDear Umaz,
Also, I don’t find it useful to continuously relive my past. It’s emotionally exhausting and takes away from my present.
Good psychotherapy helps us heal the emotional wounds and deficiencies from the past – it’s not meant to last forever, reliving the painful experience again and again.
Based on what you’ve shared so far, you have a wound of rejection, which you’d need to heal. If you find psychotherapy too expensive, you may try to do some self-healing, i.e. the inner child healing.
You as a little girl have been rejected by your family. As anita said, maybe it happened not in your early 20s, but much earlier? This girl feels hurt and reacts whenever she feels a semblance of rejection. Your main pain point seems to be rejection by the family – this time not your own family, but your boyfriend’s family:
i feel like a liability and not really a part of the family which he claims I am.
I just said something like ‘oh so you invited your ex’s family but not me when you say I’m supposed to be your family? Dont ever say that I’m your family because you don’t treat me like family, I’m not family, I’m just your girlfriend. And don’t ever make me speak to your mum and sister either, I’m done playing nice with them’.
You feel excluded from your boyfriend’s family, same as you felt excluded from your own family. Until you heal your childhood wound, this or a similar issue will keep coming up in your relationship.
So I encourage you to start working on healing that wound, healing your inner child, telling her that she is loved and cherished.
But I really am alone, I don’t have any people in my life I can rely on. I don’t have family or friends. I don’t have very good self esteem to make new friends.
The little girl in you feels very alone, and probably unworthy of love. You – the adult Umaz – would need to reassure her that she is not alone, because you are with her and will never abandon her…
October 4, 2021 at 2:51 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #387082Tee
ParticipantDear Ryan,
It feels so egocentric to believe my presence in her life was a positive while the disillusionment of our relationship will cut her so.
Yes, it is egocentric, because you leaving will cause her pain. It’s good you see that now…
I think a part of the dichotomy comes from feeling like I can be a positive influence in someone’s life, but knowing I’m incapable of giving them what they may need. In this case, it was safety, security, and kindness. However, I was unwilling or unable to give her love (or at least the type of love she wanted).
I feel that I can be a very good friend–which is what I should have aimed for in this relationship–but also understand that a relationship with me can be emotionally painful.
As before, I do hope that she and I can eventually find a friendship. … Perhaps in time, we can have some semblance of a friendship.
So your primary motive for getting into a relationship is wanting to connect as friends, and not wanting to be more than friends. You want to be a positive influence, someone to be admired and appreciated, but not someone who…. [finish the sentence – what does being in a romantic relationship mean to you? What would you need to sacrifice that you aren’t willing to? What are you afraid of in a romantic relationship?]
Tee
ParticipantDear Murtaza,
I accept your apology. It’s good you see that apathy serves to numb your strong feelings: both your desire to connect and love/be loved, and your hate and anger for not having what you need and want.
i really think i should just stay alone, its just not worth it for both parties, i should’ve never post here, or anywhere on the Internet, there were few times were good things come from this, but they end quickly, and don’t feel like anything, so why even bother.
I am not sorry we’ve communicated, although it was challenging. You don’t need to give up trying to connect with people, though you’d need to do it from a different mindset. For example, be more open-minded and less sure that life isn’t worth living.
I am glad you apologized, it shows you care and you are opening your heart. I appreciate that.
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
Really? Random people wont care? Like wont they comment in their head, “who is this short guy”?
No, they have more important things than wondering about some unfamiliar guy in their acquaintance’s photo.
Self-conscious and insecure people like yourself tend to think that the entire world is looking at them and judging them. When in reality, people don’t care. It’s just you who is obsessing about your height, not other people.
To repeat (and this is the last time I am replying to these kind of questions): those who know you know you are short and aren’t surprised by the photo. Those who don’t know you don’t care.
October 4, 2021 at 1:19 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #387074Tee
ParticipantDear Ryan,
All I can say is that everything I’ve written here is true.
I do hope it is. It never occurred to me it isn’t. It kind of shook me when anita suggested it. We can keep communicating if you’d like to. I did want to continue our discussion…
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
Well it wont solve the main problem, but do u think it will change the perspective of the people on social media?
No, since those who know you in person know your height. And other, “random people” don’t care anyway.
October 4, 2021 at 10:40 am in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #387053Tee
ParticipantDear Ryan,
you are welcome.
I do feel that I’m “worthy” of being loved and praised.
Do you? You said you feel like garbage.
Where I selfishly erred was not telling her from the start that I would be leaving.
I know my selfishness or unwillingness to be truthful with her from the start allowed her to develop strong feelings for me.
Here you also say you are selfish and manipulative (unwillingness to be truthful).
Do you really love and value yourself, believing these things about yourself?
Another thing I notice is that in this relationship too, like in your previous relationship, you wanted to be a “positive influence” in the woman’s life (“While I wanted to be a positive influence in her life”, “I’ve shown her a bit of what’s possible”). You stayed with her even though you knew you would be leaving and you also knew that she isn’t “what you truly want”. So you thought she could still profit from your “positive influence”, even if you knew you would be leaving her sometime down the road.
I see a dichotomy here: on one hand you believe you’re praise-worthy and in fact so wonderful that it’s better you stay with a woman whom you intend to leave, so she could benefit from your presence. On the other hand, you believe you are like garbage, selfish and will cause disappointment sooner or later. So it seems to me there is an inflated, superior sense of self, and an inferior, self-deprecating sense of self, both living in you simultaneously.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
October 4, 2021 at 9:26 am in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #387048Tee
ParticipantDear Ryan,
welcome back!
Your experience with this latest girlfriend is quite similar to your previous girlfriend, the one with the small son. She too was very much into you and praised you a lot, but you chose not to stay with her. This is what you wrote in your last post in April:
I think my issue is more that I feel a sense of guilt/shame when I hurt or disappoint women. It feels as though women see me as something that I may not always be: A good man or a better man than most. I try to live up to their expectancies but often don’t.
It’s the same now. The new girl wrote this to you:
You are absolutely wonderful and kind. When I’m with you I am a different person. Happy and peaceful and life is wonderful. I thank you for that.
They were both head over heals for you. But something in you couldn’t stay… something in you sabotaged it, and you ended up leaving and disappointing them. Now you are beating yourself up for not being honest with her, feeling like “absolute garbage”.
As I said back in April, I believe it’s the lack of self-worth that causes you to sabotage your relationships. This is what I wrote back then:
But if we don’t feel good enough – if we feel there’s something inherently wrong with us – no amount of outside praise and convincing will do. Sooner or later we’ll do something to “mess up”, and it will be a proof to ourselves and our partner that we indeed aren’t good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy….
It seems this is happening again – you are again in the situation where you feel you’ve “messed up” and proven to yourself how unworthy you are.
Tee
ParticipantDear Charity,
I don’t know why exactly your husband doesn’t want to invite his friend to your house. There can be a number of reasons, maybe even that his friend is a womanizer and that’s why he wants to keep him away from you. Or he might be using bad language or makes inappropriate comments, or something like that. So the reason might be that he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of you for having such a dumb or impolite friend… who knows. The problem is that you immediately jump into conclusions that there is something wrong with you:
I feel hard to love. I feel worthless. I feel like I’ll never be with anyone that can love me and respect me the way I believe a wife should be. Am I being dumb? What is so wrong with me?
The reason for this is I believe your childhood wound. This is from your previous thread:
Because I am pro-choice and support gay marriage and people living their lives the way they want my brother and his wife have said they do not want me around them or their children. It’s been over a year (almost two years) since I have had any contact with them. I feel like I should have healed and accepted this by now, yet my daily thoughts always go back to their rejection. Almost like I cannot allow myself to be happy until I am accepted by them. None of it makes sense to me though. I love them but every time I was around them I was the butt of the jokes. I always left in tears and feeling less than because my brother loved to make fun of me so much. I am constantly telling myself that this is the week I focus on being happy and finding joy in my life yet my thoughts always go back to the rejection and the raw pain I still feel.
You feel rejected by your family, believing there is something wrong with you. And now you feel rejected by your husband too.
You said about your ex husband:
I spent 12 years begging him to respect me and love me and be honest with me but he could never do that. My emotions were funny to him.
Again, you were begging him to respect you and couldn’t leave him for 12 years, and I think it’s because a part of you believed you don’t deserve respect.
So I believe you’d need to work on healing that wound – of being undeserving of love and less than.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
it might give you some relief, so yes, you can do it. But it won’t solve the main problem, because there will be new events and new pictures which will give you anxiety – for this or that reason. To use anita’s metaphor, it’s a “scratch” that won’t really resolve the “itch”.
Tee
ParticipantSure, go ahead…
Tee
ParticipantDear Umaz,
he was talking about the funeral and told me that his ex’s mum and sister was at the funeral. This hurt me so much and I reacted poorly, I was angry, he again said I was a narcissist.
You say you reacted poorly – what did you say? If you e.g. blamed him for even speaking to them, he might have felt it’s selfish from you. People often use the term “narcissistic” when they actually mean selfish, self-centered.
He does call me that often and realised maybe he is gaslighting me. Every time I try to raise my own feelings he makes me feel so guilty about it, and calls me a narcissist.
What are some other occasions in which he called you narcissistic?
Tee
ParticipantDear canary,
Thank you for speaking with me, I appreciate everyone that has commented. I feel much better and at peace after speaking and being honest
You are welcome, and I am glad you are feeling better now. And that you see that you are enough and don’t need others to validate you:
I realize that whenever I feel inadequate, I need to bring the attention back towards myself. I need reminders of who I am and what my strengths are. I don’t need others to validate me and agree with me.
And also, that you don’t need to take advice from people who are harsh and criticizing:
I know that the only opinion and advice that I should take is from those I look up to. Someone who I look up to will never criticize me in a hard way because they are loving and gentle.
These are all important realizations!
In this last post of yours it also transpired that your father was rather a bully in the family, whom everyone feared, including your mother. You perhaps received less of his yelling and open aggression than your siblings, but still you grew up afraid and hiding your anxiety and your school problems from him, because you were afraid of his anger (My father would never see me cry, only my mother would. I didn’t speak to my father about my anxiety as a child, so he didn’t know what I was dealing with. I was too afraid to ask him for permission to remove my facial hair because I assumed he would get angry and say no, so I never did.).
Your mother was afraid of his anger too:
She did not agree, she was willing to let me remove my facial and body hair but she was afraid to speak to my father about it because he would become angry.
She was afraid of him, he thought he knew better how to raise children, and she didn’t dare to say anything.
I wouldn’t say my dad lacks empathy, he is very emotional and loving but he was just blinded by his own mindset at the time.
Well, he certainly wasn’t emotional and loving when you were a child, since he kept you all in fear. Your mother didn’t dare to mention that you have problems at school and that you were being bullied. Neither you or your mother dared to say anything to him, lest he explodes in anger. Your siblings were terrified of him, even more than you were, because he yelled at them much more.
So you grew up with a bully father, and I believe you’d need to acknowledge it. Even if he has changed since, he did inflict a wound, and I believe his behavior contributed to your anxiety. Because if you needed to hide your fears, if you couldn’t speak openly about your feelings and about being bullied, no wonder this would exacerbate your anxiety and your sense of helplessness. If you were told to be strong and not a crybaby, while this terrifying man is looming over you – how else would you react? And you knew that your mother couldn’t protect you either.
It is very difficult to bring all the focus towards myself because I realize that I care about everyone’s opinion of me. Even a stranger’s opinion of me matters to me, and I’m not exactly sure why.
Maybe strangers’ opinions matter to you because you’re still subconsciously seeking approval from people who remind you of your father – from fear inducing, judgmental and strict people? From people who lack empathy? Or just in general, you seek approval because growing up, you never received it with a father like that?
If you had to hide a part of yourself (your weak, vulnerable, fearful side – which every child has), of course you didn’t feel validated and appreciated. Of course you felt unseen and not completely understood.
It’s much clearer to me now where your sense of not being seen, understood and appreciated is coming from. It’s from your father. It’s fine that he’s changed since, but your mental health is suffering now because of how he treated you in your formative years. You’d need to be aware of that in order to heal it…
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
Tee
ParticipantDear Anna,
good to hear from you again!
In addition, he feels unworthy of being loved, unworthy of my love because I am successful and he is being afraid that I would realize that he wasn’t “worth it”.
Yes, this makes sense. He doesn’t feel worthy because of his mother who made him feel unworthy and not good enough. And now he started questioning his sexuality, probably also because his mother had been questioning it (For a very longtime his mother thought he was gay and trans because he had a lot of feminine habits). She was criticizing him for his feminine traits and his sensitivity, which was another layer of rejection and condemnation. As I said earlier, this could be why he developed depression, as a way to escape his mother’s treatment.
I believe he’d need to work on his mother issues in therapy. Has he been doing that?
Also, it is becoming very hard for me to see him being under anti-depressant for so long and not seeing that many results on a mid/longterm basis.. I mean, 7 months seems to be a pretty long period, isn’t he supposed to see clear results by now?
You may need to accept that a lot of time may pass before (and if) he returns to his old self:
But I also know how he is during his ups. He is amazing in so many ways, we have the same values, he is very kind and generous. Honestly, I couldn’t wish for a better partner when he is at his ups. The way I want to be loved and seen, he is like this.
In fact, he was like that only during his good phases. But there were always bad phases, when he wanted to take a break from the relationship, even from the very beginning. It is you who have been pushing for the relationship to continue. And it’s because you “felt like a complete wreck” without him:
We once decided to take a break around December and it lasted one month, I felt like a complete wreck. I can’t imagine my life without him.
I believe you’d need to work on not feeling so bad about yourself without him. Right now, you are waiting for him to get better, and he isn’t, he is unfortunately getting further away from you, with this new issue of questioning his sexuality. You may need to let go of him, or at least see what letting go of him would mean to you.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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