Dear Javier,

Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?

No, I don’t think it’s the ultimate goal of life. I myself don’t have children, due to various circumstances, but mostly because for a long time I didn’t feel ready to be a mother (because my upbringing left me incapacitated and with very low self-esteem and no self-love). Due to all that, I didn’t have a desire to have a child, and I still don’t. But I don’t feel less worthy because of that, or that my life doesn’t have a meaning. In any case, I don’t believe having children is the ultimate goal of life, although for many people it’s incredibly rewarding and gives meaning and purpose to their lives. It’s very individual.

What’s for sure is that children cannot fulfill our needs – it is the parents who need to fulfill the children’s needs, not vice versa. If you feel empty, you won’t have anything to give to your children either. If you feel depressed, your children will be depressed too. They may spend their whole lives trying to cheer you up and then feel bad about themselves for never succeeding. And so on.

If you have children to feel better about yourself, it’s a lost case from the start and will also have a bad effect on your children. If we use children for our own unmet needs, we will see them as functions, instead of unique individuals that they really are.

Dear Felix,

I really do want to have a self-achievement for myself by having my masters degree….because not many people took masters….

Earlier you said you don’t feel like learning, and I said that in that case, masters would only make sense if you could travel abroad, to serve your goal of getting more independent from your parents. If you stay at home and take online classes, it would be a waste of time and money, because the main goal (your independence) wouldn’t be achieved.

Now you’re saying that your only motivation would be because not many people take masters. This tells me you are motivated by low self-esteem and comparing yourself with others, and you think taking the masters degree will make you feel better. Well, it won’t, and I’ve explained it on page 5. You can go back and read it.

in the end i’m going to work for our family’s business…

Is it your or your parents’ wish?

I can’t believe my parents arent supportive of this…. It’s not that what i’m doing is a bad thing….

They aren’t supportive because it doesn’t contribute to the future they have envisioned for you: to continue working for the family business. From their perspective, it’s rational. They don’t want to spend the unnecessary money for something you’ll never need – from their point of view.

How i wish i have a supportive parents who will agree with my weird demands….

You are 22, which means you’re not a baby any more. I keep telling you you’re young, and that’s true, but you’re not a baby. A 22-year old shouldn’t have demands on their parents. If you want something for yourself, go and get it, don’t expect your parents to provide it for you. I know it’s hard for you because you’ve been raised in a manner that your parents provided you with everything and protected you from challenges (and stifled your growth). But if you want to grow up, you’d need to reduce their influence. You cannot behave like a child with demands, and then be angry when those demands aren’t met.

It also means that you don’t just accept everything your parents tell you – you don’t accept their vision of the future for you, but you have your own. You have your own goals and dreams, and you work on making them happen. You don’t depend on your parents to make a future for you.

Dear marissa,

your brother never seems to have owned up to his mistakes and is always blaming someone else (All his problems are never because he chooses those decisions he makes ect it’s everyone else’s fault.) Now, when he contacted you out of the blue, he didn’t say anything that would suggest he’s changed, or that he sees how his behavior was damaging. Rather, he seems to be expecting you to simply resume the relationship “for the sake of your children”, while not being willing to change his attitude or his behavior.

I believe you did well to refuse the relationship under those terms. You aren’t obliged to keep in touch under his terms and put up with his toxicity. And his toxicity was on display right away: He said I am a “joke” of a mother, aunt and sister and I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.

I’m not sad at all not being in contact with him but more just exhausted by the toxicity.

Good you aren’t sad, but I guess his toxicity still bites you. Do you believe any of those words that he told you (that you are a bad mother and a disappointment to everyone in your life)? If you do, you’ll be more vulnerable. If not, you’ll be more able to handle it, even if you’re disappointed that things have turned out like that.

Dear Javier,

I am glad that sensorimotor therapy gave you a small hope and a sense of inner peace, even though it was a little overwhelming at first. But your therapists seem to know what they are doing:

The psychiatrists have urged me to be patient, as I need to get a deeper awareness of physical symptoms and sensations and how these relate to my traumas and emotional response.

Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

This is also very true: self-acceptance is the first precondition for healing. It was Carl Rogers who said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” So you’re completely right. And self-forgiveness is the next step. I am really glad you’re giving yourself a chance and doing all you can to heal.

I still need to work on getting stuck in my past. Are there any mind activities or books that address that?

One tool is to focus your awareness on the present moment: on your breath and your five senses (there is an exercise to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste). The goal is to pay attention to the here and  now, while you are repeating to yourself that right now, you are safe. This helps you not to slip so easily into the old trauma. There are many such exercises in the book I mentioned (by Arielle Schwartz) and the accompanying workbook, by the same author.

During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers.

That’s interesting. It could be that you were mourning your “death” because your mother was mourning her own “death” after your father abandoned her. Although he was a bully and abused you all, I got the impression that she, due to her own weaknesses, felt lost and devastated when he left. And I can only assume that she transferred this feeling to you. She collapsed and couldn’t properly take care of you, and you collapsed too. That’s why recently when she broke down and started crying, you too were crying uncontrollably with her. You were still that child who felt completely abandoned and helpless, because his mother felt abandoned and helpless too.

He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time.

Because it’s probably not just your own pain and sorrow, but your mother’s too. On top of that, you’re blaming yourself for your mother’s misery, when it wasn’t your fault at all.

Dear Felix,

I still wished i knew it before i was 22….but everyone has their own pace right?

Absolutely. When I was 22, I too felt like a child and wasn’t sure about what I want to do with my life. I also followed what everybody else around me was doing, because I didn’t know what it is that I want to do. It took me many years to sort of find myself and my preferences, and not live according to what is expected of me.

There are many people who aren’t sure of what they are good at, who have been living someone else’s life… you’re not the only one. I think everybody who has some childhood trauma and grew up with lots of insecurities is like that. And many who seem determined right now might get disillusioned and crash later. For some it might happen decades later, in their midlife crisis, when they start questioning their lives, looking for meaning etc.

You’re by far not an exception, and in fact, it’s great that you’re going through this self-discovery phase pretty early on in life, at 22. You’re very much on time, Felix, so trust me when I say that you haven’t missed anything and you aren’t late for anything. In fact, you’re doing it earlier than many of your colleagues will.

Thank you TeaK! I’m able to control my emotions better and also starting to know what should be my goal right now…. It’s all thanks to your advice….

You’re welcome, Felix, glad I could help.

I just hope that my plan to go to china for language learning will really happen…. If suddenly the plan didnt work out i’ll be so disappointed, and my anxiety will go wild again…. as it’s still controllable now.

I too hope it will materialize. Please know that this trip to China represents more than just language learning. It represents also you becoming more independent from your parents, learning to live on your own, find your own way…  So if this concrete plan for traveling to China wouldn’t materialize due to some objective reasons, please don’t give up on your plan to become more independent. Don’t allow your parents to convince you to stay in the status-quo, living with them, protected from all challenges, but also protected from growth.

Stand up for yourself, give yourself a chance. If not in China via language learning, then in some other way. I know that right now it’s difficult because of covid, but it will get better, so don’t give up on your plan and your desire.

Dear Javier,

I will be happy even if I can heal 5%, as this situation is unbearable.

This is a good attitude – aim at just a slight relief of your pain, just one tiny step in the right direction.

What I notice is two voices inside of you: one would like to heal and give yourself a chance (I will go back and start from scratch, I need to do it, I want to do it. I am working with myself daily), and the other feels defeated and wants to give up (the wound will never heal… no medication, no treatment is working. I tried ACT, CBT and DBT, but none of them is working.)

I have a tendency to slip every other day

This is likely caused by this internal battle, where you’re swaying between the voice that wants to try, and the other one that wants to give up and believes that nothing can help you. You say you’ve been exposed to sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic therapy – how did you like it? Do you feel it might be helpful, over time?

Dear Javier,

My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child. The main reason I long for having kids is to protect them, save them and give them the love and caring I never had.

I believe this to be true. It appears you see your becoming a father as the only way to heal and sort of rewrite your painful childhood. I’ve been trying to tell you that the real way to heal is to heal your inner child – to give him that what you haven’t received in your childhood.

I’m grieving my childlessness, my inability to heal myself, to be “normal” and to be a loving and caring “family man”. I know this doesn’t make sense, and sounds empty-headed, but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal.

You don’t need to have a child of your own to heal. In fact, if we depend on our children to heal, we won’t do them justice and won’t be good parents. We first need to heal and then we’ll be able to be good parents, who won’t transfer our wounds on to them.

If you’d heal, you would even have a chance of becoming a parent,  since you’re not an old man. But do it in proper order –  first heal, then seek to have a child whom you can truly and properly love.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Gary,

A long while has past since my original post , and although I’ll never forget those days and events of long ago , I’m in a much better place now.

You started this thread saying you are in pain because you don’t know if she ever loved you, and that you need to know before she passes away. You now say that she indirectly told you she didn’t marry you out of love but because she got pregnant with your child (“What else was I suppose to do.”)

You sort of have your answer (and had it years ago), but are you at peace with it? To be honest, it seems to me that a part of you wants to put all the blame on her for your breakup (and in the recent weeks this part got stronger and more convinced that it was completely her fault). But another part of you has doubts, and that was the part writing the original post.

In your original post you wrote:

About 3-4 years into the marriage I got caught up in activities that required a large time investment plus worked a full time job. What followed was my blindness to my wifes needs for my attention. And I basically dismissed it as an overreaction and suggested she get a job to break up her daily boredom.

You acknowledged that you were blind to your wife’s needs, that you dismissed them and suggested her to find a job to “break up her daily boredom.” I can hardly imagine a woman with 2 small children (and no full-time nanny service) to be bored during the day. Raising 2 small children is a full-time job, so I don’t understand what you were referring to when you described her problem as “daily boredom”? I cannot match raising 2 small children with “boredom”, but rather with “exhaustion”. That’s why I said that when she opted for a job in the night shift, she might have done it out of spite, protesting against you accusing her of boredom.

You now say that you gave your wife everything she needed:

I was there , all she had to do was open up and talk about it. I recommended counseling , therapy , whatever it took … she was just not interested.

So when she first complained and asked for more attention from you, did you dismiss it and suggested she should find a job, or you were there for her, showing compassion and understanding? I think that if you want to heal the pain you are occasionally feeling, it would be important that you answer this question honestly for yourself…