Dear Tineoidea,

Another thing is that she began to spend disproportionately large amounts of time with him, going as far as pushing away her friends and me. Likewise she’s been “babying” him a lot as well as excusing him of everything bad he did and fiercely defending him against any criticism. It seems she sees him as some sort of “victim” who needs to be saved.

All of it is very unlike the healthy yet deep relationship we two had where our friends were never neglected and we always exchanged fair criticism.

It appears she was able to function normally with you, but there is a part of her susceptible to this man’s charm and manipulation, which overtook and made her lose her compass. This susceptible part is like her Achilles heel, her weak spot, and she completely lost perspective. Your former friend maybe reminds her of one of her parents, and that’s why she got so blindsided? Do you know anything about her childhood?

Dear Javier,

In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc).

I see. It’s like you get “reset” over night, and so the positive, hopeful part of you fades into the background, while the negative, hopeless part takes lead and starts broadcasting its usual “program”.

I think it would be useful if you acknowledged those two parts, perhaps even see them as two different radio stations. One broadcasts the usual litany of regrets and self-blame, telling you about all the tragedies and bad things that happened, and how things are hopeless. The other station, which has a much weaker signal, broadcasts positive, affirming things, pleasant music, and lots of inspiration. When you tune into that, you feel some hope.

Every morning, you wake up with the negative radio station turned on max. So perhaps you can make a conscious choice to switch to the other station, because the former is just making you depressed. You want to listen to something more uplifting. Perhaps this would help you to get out of the morning anxiety quicker?

Dear Tineoidea,

What happened with my friend and her, is uncanny similar to the “triangulation” performed by narcissists where they put your friends against you and then may use them as their next supply.

Actually, your former friend sounds like a narcissist. He first tried to manipulate you against her, and when that didn’t work out, he turned against you. This is how he behaved at the beginning:

A “friend” I’ve known for a long time, became jealous and angry about her “replacing” him and began to project all sort of delusions onto her, such as her being a pretender that will only harm me, will tear us two apart and so on (ironically prophetic).
He became rather nasty with her, treating her like a lesser being.

He told you she was a pretender that will only harm you. I can imagine he later said the same about you – that you are a pretender who will only harm her. And for some reason, she believed him. In fact, you said she admitted she was the one who sought contact with him, even though he treated her badly in the beginning (I’ve had a very heated conversation with her recently, with a lot of emotions, mixed signals and her saying that it is her who chose to engage with him actively and let him in).

For some reason, she sought his company and wanted to stay close to him. Could it be that she used him as a source of “confidential information” about you because she didn’t know you well enough, while he was your long-time friend? You also said: My legal and economic situations are very convoluted though and so the progress has been slow, nevertheless we had the plan B or simply marrying to get me out of this swamp.

Could it be that she didn’t like your “convoluted legal and economic situation”, and that this, together with the manipulation and lies by your former friend, caused her to give up on getting married to you? I don’t know anything about the legal situation you find yourself in, but I can imagine that a problematic legal status can repel a person, specially if they are risk averse and fear getting in any kind of legal trouble by associating/being married to you (this is just an assumption, please disregard if it’s not applicable to your situation and you didn’t represent any kind of legal risk for her).

Because she exhibited complete lack of empathy and care towards me, who was also her closest friend when all of this went down. I’ve been discarded as if nothing had happened in between us, treated very poorly and emotionally abused for weeks.

She was conflicted. You said that at times she was loving and affectionate, at other times she was rude and angry. It’s like two sides fought inside of her, and in the end, her mistrust prevailed. Clearly, she didn’t treat you well, but still, she doesn’t seem like a narcissist to me, however your male friend does.

Dear Javier,

I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day.

I understand. There is a part of you that wants to be healed, and the other that wants to give up because it all seems too much. Too much pain, too much disappointment, too much “deadness” and emptiness. But if you persist and e.g. simply show up for your therapy appointments, it’s already something. You’re strengthening the part who is willing to live and love again…

I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent.

Your needs are like each of our needs: to be loved, appreciated, seen, validated… Those are also your inner child’s needs. You can have those met in therapy, little by little. Eventually you’ll be able to give love and validation to your inner child. You’ll become a good parent to your inner child. And when you start feeling loved, you won’t feel empty and dead any more, you’ll feel motivated, new doors will open for you. Trust me, I too felt empty inside, and learning to love and appreciate myself was a turning point in my life.

I’m afraid of sleeping

What are you afraid will happen when you sleep?

Dear Javier,

Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?

No, I don’t think it’s the ultimate goal of life. I myself don’t have children, due to various circumstances, but mostly because for a long time I didn’t feel ready to be a mother (because my upbringing left me incapacitated and with very low self-esteem and no self-love). Due to all that, I didn’t have a desire to have a child, and I still don’t. But I don’t feel less worthy because of that, or that my life doesn’t have a meaning. In any case, I don’t believe having children is the ultimate goal of life, although for many people it’s incredibly rewarding and gives meaning and purpose to their lives. It’s very individual.

What’s for sure is that children cannot fulfill our needs – it is the parents who need to fulfill the children’s needs, not vice versa. If you feel empty, you won’t have anything to give to your children either. If you feel depressed, your children will be depressed too. They may spend their whole lives trying to cheer you up and then feel bad about themselves for never succeeding. And so on.

If you have children to feel better about yourself, it’s a lost case from the start and will also have a bad effect on your children. If we use children for our own unmet needs, we will see them as functions, instead of unique individuals that they really are.

Dear Felix,

I really do want to have a self-achievement for myself by having my masters degree….because not many people took masters….

Earlier you said you don’t feel like learning, and I said that in that case, masters would only make sense if you could travel abroad, to serve your goal of getting more independent from your parents. If you stay at home and take online classes, it would be a waste of time and money, because the main goal (your independence) wouldn’t be achieved.

Now you’re saying that your only motivation would be because not many people take masters. This tells me you are motivated by low self-esteem and comparing yourself with others, and you think taking the masters degree will make you feel better. Well, it won’t, and I’ve explained it on page 5. You can go back and read it.

in the end i’m going to work for our family’s business…

Is it your or your parents’ wish?

I can’t believe my parents arent supportive of this…. It’s not that what i’m doing is a bad thing….

They aren’t supportive because it doesn’t contribute to the future they have envisioned for you: to continue working for the family business. From their perspective, it’s rational. They don’t want to spend the unnecessary money for something you’ll never need – from their point of view.

How i wish i have a supportive parents who will agree with my weird demands….

You are 22, which means you’re not a baby any more. I keep telling you you’re young, and that’s true, but you’re not a baby. A 22-year old shouldn’t have demands on their parents. If you want something for yourself, go and get it, don’t expect your parents to provide it for you. I know it’s hard for you because you’ve been raised in a manner that your parents provided you with everything and protected you from challenges (and stifled your growth). But if you want to grow up, you’d need to reduce their influence. You cannot behave like a child with demands, and then be angry when those demands aren’t met.

It also means that you don’t just accept everything your parents tell you – you don’t accept their vision of the future for you, but you have your own. You have your own goals and dreams, and you work on making them happen. You don’t depend on your parents to make a future for you.

Dear marissa,

your brother never seems to have owned up to his mistakes and is always blaming someone else (All his problems are never because he chooses those decisions he makes ect it’s everyone else’s fault.) Now, when he contacted you out of the blue, he didn’t say anything that would suggest he’s changed, or that he sees how his behavior was damaging. Rather, he seems to be expecting you to simply resume the relationship “for the sake of your children”, while not being willing to change his attitude or his behavior.

I believe you did well to refuse the relationship under those terms. You aren’t obliged to keep in touch under his terms and put up with his toxicity. And his toxicity was on display right away: He said I am a “joke” of a mother, aunt and sister and I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.

I’m not sad at all not being in contact with him but more just exhausted by the toxicity.

Good you aren’t sad, but I guess his toxicity still bites you. Do you believe any of those words that he told you (that you are a bad mother and a disappointment to everyone in your life)? If you do, you’ll be more vulnerable. If not, you’ll be more able to handle it, even if you’re disappointed that things have turned out like that.

Dear Javier,

I am glad that sensorimotor therapy gave you a small hope and a sense of inner peace, even though it was a little overwhelming at first. But your therapists seem to know what they are doing:

The psychiatrists have urged me to be patient, as I need to get a deeper awareness of physical symptoms and sensations and how these relate to my traumas and emotional response.

Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

This is also very true: self-acceptance is the first precondition for healing. It was Carl Rogers who said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” So you’re completely right. And self-forgiveness is the next step. I am really glad you’re giving yourself a chance and doing all you can to heal.

I still need to work on getting stuck in my past. Are there any mind activities or books that address that?

One tool is to focus your awareness on the present moment: on your breath and your five senses (there is an exercise to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste). The goal is to pay attention to the here and  now, while you are repeating to yourself that right now, you are safe. This helps you not to slip so easily into the old trauma. There are many such exercises in the book I mentioned (by Arielle Schwartz) and the accompanying workbook, by the same author.

During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers.

That’s interesting. It could be that you were mourning your “death” because your mother was mourning her own “death” after your father abandoned her. Although he was a bully and abused you all, I got the impression that she, due to her own weaknesses, felt lost and devastated when he left. And I can only assume that she transferred this feeling to you. She collapsed and couldn’t properly take care of you, and you collapsed too. That’s why recently when she broke down and started crying, you too were crying uncontrollably with her. You were still that child who felt completely abandoned and helpless, because his mother felt abandoned and helpless too.

He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time.

Because it’s probably not just your own pain and sorrow, but your mother’s too. On top of that, you’re blaming yourself for your mother’s misery, when it wasn’t your fault at all.