Hi Murtaza,

I don’t blame my old self for being hurt, i was a kid, i couldn’t defend myself, i only blame my current self, the aware one, and i don’t do it to just blame, i do it to learn and change, i believe no one could hurt you unless you allow him, if a person hurts you, check yourself first, in the end people are external and outside of your control, you will have to adopt to them, or see different people, something not available to me.

In fact, we can be hurt, but we can heal from it. If someone stabs you, you are hurt but hopefully you can heal. If someone betrays you, i.e. hurts you emotionally, you can still be hurt, but with self-awareness, you can heal. You can also take measures, e.g. stop contact with that person, so that you wouldn’t be hurt again. Or you can speak to the person and clarify, because sometimes we get hurt and offended when in fact we shouldn’t be, because the person didn’t mean anything bad.

Anyway, what I am saying is that we can be hurt, and it’s not a sign of weakness, but we can also heal. If you close yourself in advance from love and relationships – anticipating that you will be hurt – that’s what’s not healthy. It’s like not getting out in the street at all, because you might be stabbed. Better approach is to go out, be open to experiences (with certain precautions in place), and only deal with your wounds if you are stabbed.

lately there was some harsh lessons i learned, really harsh, one that love is an exchange, you have to meet certain requirements for that exchange (mostly)

Yes, love is an exchange, and it doesn’t mean it’s a filthy or immoral exchange. It’s true that some people ask from us to suppress ourselves – which is toxic (specially if those people are our parents). But some people appreciate us for who we are, so a relationship with them is possible. But yes, love is giving ad taking, it’s an exchange.

No, i feel empathy for him, i feel sorry for him, that he lived this horrible life, and i want to make it easy for him, this is why i choosed a life with little problems and little pain, because i know he is already in pain

You haven’t treated/healed his wound, you’re simply protecting him from further pain, i.e. from the wound getting deeper. But the original wound is still there, affecting your life. When I was talking about healing, I meant healing the original wound.

Yes its true, but what can i do about it? My own flesh and blood is shit, so what? I don’t let that decide my destiny or predetermine my life, i don’t blame them for it, because i know they were programmed to do so, i understand where they are coming from, i understand why they did what they did, and i see no fault of theirs.

Though i acknowledge they did something bad (acknowledge, not blame).

It’s a good approach not to blame them, because blaming keeps us stuck. However, they still inflicted a wound upon you. It is their fault, even though you rationally understand the reasons why they did it. Still, the only way to really process this kind of betrayal and wounding, and to be healed, is to include emotions as well. To express anger at them (justified anger) in a safe, therapeutic setting. Even online therapy can provide that possibility. I know you’re not interested in healing, but I am just saying what would need to be done – if you were interested.

The reason why im angry at everyone else, because of my experiences, i still mad at my parents, i didn’t superss it, its just a logical anger, not feeling oriented one.

I see. You don’t feel the emotion of anger because you rationalized it by finding excuses for them. It’s like you froze that emotion..  but it seeps out, and it comes out in your interactions with other people. And also, you are angry at the entire world, you even despise the world, saying things like: “lack of goodness in the world, lack of order, lack of beauty, everything is so boring and dull, everything is so exhausting and not worth my time or effort”.

The anger, bitterness and frustration, that you rightfully feel towards those who hurt you, is projected at the entire world and practically all people.

The way about it would be to feel and express your justified anger at those who hurt you, in a safe therapeutic setting, so it could be transformed and healed. You then wouldn’t feel angry at the entire world… you would see things through a different lens.

The reason why im angry at society, because they told me god exist, they told me workout helps (online)

Workout usually does help. But it didn’t help you? What did you expect to gain from workout, and how were you disappointed?

Dear thatssoelsie,

In regards to your questions, no he’s actually none of the above. Its just his job we have an issue with.

That’s important – it means he respects you and doesn’t see you as inferior in any sense.

The only justifiable reason I can think of for his hiding you is that he wants to protect himself from possible mocking and teasing by his co-workers if they would get to meet you.

I know he’s mentioned to me in the past has taken his ex to his job before

Perhaps he took his ex to his work place, and after that was faced with teasing and inappropriate comments. And he regretted it that he revealed his private life, i.e. made himself vulnerable. Perhaps he is afraid of his co-workers’ crudeness and cruelty (which might be the case in that working environment), and he wants to spare himself from that?

You also said:

We don’t have any pictures of each other on social media, were both private people in that aspect.

How come? What’s the motivation for keeping each other a secret on social media?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Hi Felix,

I am sorry about your experience and your pain. I hear and can almost feel your pain as you say “I am all alone and it’s only getting worse. It’s a perfect storm and my only reaction (internally) is sadness and tears.”

I hear you and agree with you and I am looking within.

That’s good, because a large part of your problem is related to your experience with your mother. This past trauma is magnifying what you are experiencing on the outside: selfish, materialistic women who don’t even notice you.

The problem is that the good ones are either already taken or are being pursued by 10 guys or more

Among the good ones, there are women who get divorced or break up with their boyfriends, so there is always a new influx of available women. Because life circumstances change… if you believe these percentages are set in stone and that your chance is minuscule, you’re making it much harder for yourself. You only need ONE good woman. And she is out there for sure…

Dear Akansha,

Even when I told him I want to stop communication he told me about how one of his exes also stopped communication with him. … He was like I think it’s not fair to do that to people but if there is a wound he would be respectful about it.

I believe he wanted to make you feel bad for cutting contact with him (“it’s not fair to do that to people”). He would have liked you to be available whenever he pleased. But then he said: if there is a wound – meaning if you are not emotionally mature enough to keep contact with him, but are wounded – then he would respect it. He is suggesting that you are somehow deficient for not wanting to keep contact with him (and being exploited by him). He is suggesting he is more mature and advanced than you, when in fact he was being selfish and manipulative.

Anyway, it was not my business anymore. I told him I am sorry you feel sad but I need to focus on myself. I think you have moved on and I need to do that too.

Good that you stood your ground. Be aware that he was manipulating you. It’s okay if you focus on yourself and not tend to his selfish needs any more.

I felt sad about this behaviour of mine and thought it might be better if I sought some help.

I am glad you’ve reached out. In your first post you expressed that you were angry at him, but even more so angry at yourself for not seeing things clearly, and for still being susceptible to him. I hope you now see things a little bit more clearly, specially with regard to his behavior. If you have further questions or feel like you need some help, please post again anytime.

Take care, and wishing you all the best!

Dear Akansha,

you are very welcome, I am glad this conversation and digging deeper is helping you.

I definitely never saw that I was being the mother figure since taking care of people has been my thing. When I was younger, I used to forget to take care of myself, I wanted to be liked by everyone.

It’s good you see the tendency now, and if you wish, we can talk about it more… since probably the core of this care-taking reflex stems from your childhood.

He did not want to lose me after the breakup knowing that I was such an important part of his life (his words) but he also didn’t like me anymore as he did when he needed me. He would reach out when he was anxious, or sad or was stuck in a dilemma and since I was seeking connection I will give everything from my cup.

What you wrote here is a pretty good summary of his relationship to you: You were indeed an important part of his growing up (which I guess included becoming more independent, assertive and less of a Debbie Downer), but after a certain point he didn’t need you any more. Actually, he needed you still when he was anxious or had issues – like he would need a mother figure to console him and advise him – but he didn’t feel attracted to you to be his romantic partner. You on the other hand craved connection and didn’t want to reject him when he would approach you. You were always there for him, and he was using you when in need (even for phone sex, to relieve his urge).

He called once after our breakup after a dinner with his family that he misses having me on the table and that he would love to have a family with me. But then after a week, he will tell me how he wants to have sex with other women

It could be that his family liked you and missed you at the dinner table, and so he took it on for a brief while. But he quickly lost the sentiment and started going into the opposite direction…

One time he even rejected me after asking me to come on skype for a session. When I complained he was like please deal with your anxieties it’s not my responsibility to help you with that. He is right but this is from a person who would not stop calling messaging me every time he had any anxious feeling

Yes, there was no reciprocity there: he used you for whatever he needed, but he refused to give you anything beyond what suits him. He was a taker, you were a giver.

I feel so weird since it might look like he is a crazy person. He isn’t. He is just a human being who has a lot of pain bodies and traumas and doesn’t know how to deal with them. I do not want this post to be about him being a horrible human being but about me being blind at that time and not taking my self-respect into account.

He doesn’t seem crazy but self-centered and emotionally immature, which can be the result of his trauma. But still, it’s no reason to excuse his behavior, because what he is doing is basically exploiting you: he is using you for phone sex, he is telling you about wanting to have sex with other women, he is inquiring about your own sex life, saying he would be upset if you found another guy. All that after you’ve broken up long ago. On top of it all, he is telling you you are like Jesus because you are so kind to him and in fact, tolerating his abuse. Because that’s emotional abuse, or at least harassment, what he is doing. I don’t know if you’re still communicating with him and responding to him, but if you are, you’d need to stop, because it’s not good for your emotional  health.

At the same time, you can work on your own issues and your susceptibility to such manipulation. So you don’t need to blame him, but still you’d need to put a stop on it – if he is still using you in this way.

Dear Dave,

I actually agree with Aardvark, who highlighted the well-being of your son as the main factor to consider in dealing with this situation with your wife. You say:

My son’s needs are being met, he is fed, clothed and happy.  He doesn’t have a lot of time with his mother though, which I am not sure how much that will effect him.

You earlier said this about your son’s reaction to his mother:

Also our son gets upset if she tries to get him out of bed in the morning, doesn’t want her to change his diaper, dress him, give him dinner (the nights that she does get home early), or put him to bed.  He will cry for me whenever she tries to do this kind of stuff, and I know it hurts her when he does this.  So I find that I ignore him while she is home, so that he will go to her for things, but he will usually just cry until I pay attention to him.

He is already rejecting his mother, at the age of 2, which is a bad sign. Her neglect is affecting him and he is protesting. If this continues, he will have a wound of being emotionally neglected by his mother, and he will carry it into his adulthood. So by tolerating your wife’s neglect, you are helping create a wounded child, and some day, a wounded adult.

Aardvark is right when he/she says that your son should be a priority. It is his life and happiness that are at stake. Your wife is reluctant to change, she doesn’t seem to understand her role as a mother, and her importance in your son’s upbringing. It appears she hasn’t created an emotional bond with your son, and so she isn’t really missing him and doesn’t care to spend time with him. That’s why she can prioritize her work and not take into consideration your son’s needs.

She might have not had an emotional bond with her own mother either, and now is giving the same treatment to your son. But it’s harmful and she should become aware of it.

There are many ways how she could cut down her working hours, but she isn’t motivated, and I think it’s because her motherly instinct is weak. As I suggested earlier, she may even feel uncomfortable in the role of the mother and may feel that she is a bad mother. And she wants to avoid it as much as possible. But she would need to deal with her own emotional wounds, instead of letting them affect her relationship with her  son.

Anyway, I believe you should put your son’s well-being as the priority when you talk to her, and make her realize that her behavior is harmful for your son’s emotional health and has long-term consequences. She cannot continue sticking her head in the sand, refusing to take responsibility…

When the thought of splitting up crosses my mind I get sad, and feel like I wouldn’t be able to do it without her,

It’s nice of you to try to make things work out with her, being tolerant and everything, but be aware what’s at stake here. I do hope that she will see that she is in fact causing emotional harm to your son, and will choose to do something about it.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear thatssoelsie,

Help? Am a secret? or is he right?

No, he isn’t right to keep you a secret in front of his coworkers. You’ve been together for 5 years – what is he hiding?

His defense is, “I don’t want them to know what type of jealous girlfriend you are, they think highly of me”

If this is what he’s thinking of you – he is ashamed of you, and it’s always a big problem if one party is ashamed of the other. It won’t end well because he doesn’t respect you.

Dear Akansha,

you are very welcome. Thanks for sharing some more and clarifying… Well, probably he described himself and his motives best when he said “I don’t need you”, when he first started pulling away from you. It is need that motivated him to be with you, not love.

You said he wanted to do everything together with you (He wanted me to be part of everything he did. Go to places he goes to, listen to songs he listens to, watch what he is watching) – it’s like a child who wants his mother to be near him while he is having a good time. It could be related to the fact that his mother suffered brain injury and suddenly became unavailable to him when he was 13. Although he was entering puberty, probably he still needed his mother a lot, and she wasn’t there for him any more.

So you might have replaced his missing mother, he used you to help him get from his boyhood into his adulthood. Perhaps he did grow up and become more independent during the course of your relationship (so my theory about him finding another mother figure who replaced you might not be true). If so, his resentment towards you would be like that of a teenager who still needs his mother when he’s in trouble, but who also wants her to back off and let him live his life as he pleases.

Perhaps that’s why he told you that he does want to marry you, but not when you tell him, but when he chooses. It’s like he felt you are taking away his autonomy when you force him to do things against his will. Again, it could be the teenage boy rebelling against his mother bossing him around.

Also, it’s peculiar that he would ask your permission to have phone sex with another woman, 5 months after your breakup. But then again, if he saw you as his mother, perhaps he felt the need to confide in you and ask for your opinion (like, do you think it’s okay to have phone sex with this girl whom I just met on facebook?)

He said he is proud of the progress I made as a human being and that he is not with me but he is climbing the ladder with me. he wants to meet me at the top

This would suggest that now he feels like a grown-up and better than you, and he doesn’t need you anymore. He finished his transition from a teenage boy to a grown man, and he feels good about himself and is enjoying his life.

But he hasn’t grown up emotionally. When he told you those hurtful things – that you are pathetic and needy – it shows he has no empathy and no respect for you. He used you as a crutch while he was growing up and becoming independent, and now that he doesn’t need you any more, he can discard you like an old cloth.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life.

It sounds like flattery – perhaps he was feeling a little down, perhaps something was bothering him at the moment, and he quickly called you to make him feel better, like he would call his mother? But since he knew he offended you quite a bit earlier, he needed to soften you with some sweet talk…  Do you think this might have been his motivation?