Dear MKnox,

His dad pulled him out of the car when we got there and called him a dumbass and dragged hi into the house, and his mom told me she would make sure he pays to have my windshield replaced. He replaced my windshield the next day. We talked. She KNOWS what her son did. She knows many things her son did to me that was abusive.

I see. So they know about this concrete incident and perhaps some more. When I said they are protecting their son, I meant protecting from legal charges. They don’t want him to go to jail. Simple as that. That’s why they cannot – even if they had some conscience – afford to admit that he did anything wrong to you. I am sure they know he’s problematic, but probably they don’t know even 10% of what he did to you. And even if they do, they might have spoken to him in private, but will never admit it to you.

The problem is that when the abuse was happening, you never reported it to the police. He on the other hand reported it that you were harassing him (the incident when you followed him with the car), and you got a restraining order. It was your word against his. You unfortunately didn’t have anyone to testify on your behalf, and he had his parents who were willing to lie to keep their son out of trouble. Another problem is that in the case of Larry Nassar, there were more women who testified against him. Here, you are alone, or at least you don’t know about his other victims.

I agree that his parents probably contributed to a lot of his behavior, and it can very well be that his mother is a narcissist. If so, the chances that they would admit their son’s offenses are even smaller. A narcissist will never tell the truth but will try to keep the pretenses. There is no way that a narcissist would admit something incriminating to either themselves or their family (whose good name they are trying to protect). So perhaps they too participate in the smear campaign, because they need to make you appear as the crazy one, so their son would seem innocent. That’s despicable, but maybe they are capable of something like that. Your ex is probably leading the smear campaign, for exactly the same reason – so he can wash the dirt off himself.

You would need to accept that you won’t get any satisfaction from them.

I just need answers!

I am afraid the only answer you will get from your ex is “because you deserve it” (when he abused you). Or “because I can!” (when he smashed the windshield with his foot). You can’t get valid answers from neither your psychopath ex or his enabling parents. He did it because he is mentally disturbed.

I want respect! It is highly destructive to my wellbeing to be treated with such disrespect and have my voice taken away and not have any answers. Its like I am being told I deserved the abuse. It makes me feel worthless and like I should just die.

You have the right to be respected! But they won’t give you that respect. That’s why you need to start respecting yourself. You definitely didn’t deserve abuse. That should be 100% clear to you. You didn’t deserve abuse – even if your psychopath ex says you did. Can you accept that?

Dear MKnox,

I am sorry you’ve been through all this. He has hurt you badly and treated you in despicable ways. Your biggest mistake was that you sought closure from him. Instead of leaving as soon as he started abusing you, never to turn back, you went back and sought explanations, and then sometimes he would give you false promises that he would change, but the abuse would continue.

You said you went through at least 7 cycles of being horribly abused and then reconciling with him (I thought this was just another typical discard situation that I had been through with him at least 7 times before.) The last time he discarded you, you went back, followed him in your car, tried to overtake him, he then hit your car on purpose, you then both stopped your cars, you got out, went to him and put your hand on his heart begging him for explanations and closure. And then he grabbed your hand and twisted your fingers, resulting in one of them breaking:

When I went after him and followed him, I passed him on the road, and he sped up and hit my car on purpose though, and when I entered the subdivision I stopped my car and got out and went to his car and begged him to help me understand why he was treating me this way and to give me closure, and I put my hand on his heart and said please have empathy and help me understand and you are hurting me, and he grabbed my hand and bent my fingers all the way back and he broke one of my fingers.

The judge discarded his violent actions, he only took into consideration that it was you who was following him and “harassing” him. His parents confirmed it and testified against you.

I understand your bitterness and the sense of injustice, however you made a mistake of seeking closure and explanation from a sociopath like him. And now, you seek the same from his parents. But they understandably want to protect their son and won’t show any empathy towards you.

That is over now though and please understand I don’t want revenge. Also, I am legally safe now and I want to stay that way. I have no contact with him now. I doubt he will try to make amends or give me closure which is sad but I guess he is not capable of it.

It’s good that you are legally safe now. It’s also critically important that you don’t pursue him any more, trying to “seek closure” because you might get into legal trouble again. You’d need to understand and accept that neither he or his family will make any amends to you. He isn’t capable of it, and his family is protecting him. If they would apologize for their son, they would be admitting that he abused you, and they obviously don’t want that – they don’t want him to get into legal trouble because of his actions. So they will probably never apologize and never admit that he did anything wrong to you.

You need to give yourself closure. And you can do that with the help of therapy. You probably were susceptible to this man due to your childhood trauma with your sociopath father. You sought a similar man and tried to make him love you. Your father didn’t give you closure before he died, and this man cannot give you closure either. You need to heal and give that closure to yourself.

I am a writer, and I have a voice and to have that taken away along with my character and dignity was the most traumatizing experience of my life

Your voice is not taken away from you. You can still write about your experience and help other women who may be in a similar situation. You can claim back your dignity, but not by begging him or his family to give it to you, but by healing your wounds and understanding that you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

He told you you deserved abuse from your father. Well, you’ll claim back your dignity when you no longer believe that you deserved that abuse, but you know and accept that you are worthy of love.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Hi Murtaza,

Goodbye teak, i really liked our conversation, at the end of it, in the few last post, i almost felt like you understood me, almost.

But it was only almost. Because you decided that I cannot possibly understand you and that I must be wrong:

im almost convinced by teak, but when i re think, when i re validate myself, i know she is wrong, but i got this tiny little voice in my head that tells me “what if she is right?” That made my life so much miserable in the past,

At the moment, you are at the stage where you believe that everybody is wrong, and only you are right. Perhaps this will change in the future and you’ll reconsider, but for now, it is what it is. Goodbye Murtaza.

Hi Murtaza,

 spent 1 year on “therapeutic” bullshit youtube videos

well, if you’ve been watching videos about therapy and healing, and none of it resonated – and it probably didn’t since you call it “bullshit”- then indeed there is little chance that working with a therapist would help you.

I am withdrawing now from this thread because there’s nothing I could possibly say that would make you even consider that your view of the problem is limited, and that the conclusions you’re making are harmful, rather than helpful. You strongly believe you are helping yourself – okay, fine, let it be. Goodbye Murtaza, I hope you do relax some of those strong convictions in the future – for your own good.

Hi Murtaza,

I don’t blame my old self for being hurt, i was a kid, i couldn’t defend myself, i only blame my current self, the aware one, and i don’t do it to just blame, i do it to learn and change, i believe no one could hurt you unless you allow him, if a person hurts you, check yourself first, in the end people are external and outside of your control, you will have to adopt to them, or see different people, something not available to me.

In fact, we can be hurt, but we can heal from it. If someone stabs you, you are hurt but hopefully you can heal. If someone betrays you, i.e. hurts you emotionally, you can still be hurt, but with self-awareness, you can heal. You can also take measures, e.g. stop contact with that person, so that you wouldn’t be hurt again. Or you can speak to the person and clarify, because sometimes we get hurt and offended when in fact we shouldn’t be, because the person didn’t mean anything bad.

Anyway, what I am saying is that we can be hurt, and it’s not a sign of weakness, but we can also heal. If you close yourself in advance from love and relationships – anticipating that you will be hurt – that’s what’s not healthy. It’s like not getting out in the street at all, because you might be stabbed. Better approach is to go out, be open to experiences (with certain precautions in place), and only deal with your wounds if you are stabbed.

lately there was some harsh lessons i learned, really harsh, one that love is an exchange, you have to meet certain requirements for that exchange (mostly)

Yes, love is an exchange, and it doesn’t mean it’s a filthy or immoral exchange. It’s true that some people ask from us to suppress ourselves – which is toxic (specially if those people are our parents). But some people appreciate us for who we are, so a relationship with them is possible. But yes, love is giving ad taking, it’s an exchange.

No, i feel empathy for him, i feel sorry for him, that he lived this horrible life, and i want to make it easy for him, this is why i choosed a life with little problems and little pain, because i know he is already in pain

You haven’t treated/healed his wound, you’re simply protecting him from further pain, i.e. from the wound getting deeper. But the original wound is still there, affecting your life. When I was talking about healing, I meant healing the original wound.

Yes its true, but what can i do about it? My own flesh and blood is shit, so what? I don’t let that decide my destiny or predetermine my life, i don’t blame them for it, because i know they were programmed to do so, i understand where they are coming from, i understand why they did what they did, and i see no fault of theirs.

Though i acknowledge they did something bad (acknowledge, not blame).

It’s a good approach not to blame them, because blaming keeps us stuck. However, they still inflicted a wound upon you. It is their fault, even though you rationally understand the reasons why they did it. Still, the only way to really process this kind of betrayal and wounding, and to be healed, is to include emotions as well. To express anger at them (justified anger) in a safe, therapeutic setting. Even online therapy can provide that possibility. I know you’re not interested in healing, but I am just saying what would need to be done – if you were interested.

The reason why im angry at everyone else, because of my experiences, i still mad at my parents, i didn’t superss it, its just a logical anger, not feeling oriented one.

I see. You don’t feel the emotion of anger because you rationalized it by finding excuses for them. It’s like you froze that emotion..  but it seeps out, and it comes out in your interactions with other people. And also, you are angry at the entire world, you even despise the world, saying things like: “lack of goodness in the world, lack of order, lack of beauty, everything is so boring and dull, everything is so exhausting and not worth my time or effort”.

The anger, bitterness and frustration, that you rightfully feel towards those who hurt you, is projected at the entire world and practically all people.

The way about it would be to feel and express your justified anger at those who hurt you, in a safe therapeutic setting, so it could be transformed and healed. You then wouldn’t feel angry at the entire world… you would see things through a different lens.

The reason why im angry at society, because they told me god exist, they told me workout helps (online)

Workout usually does help. But it didn’t help you? What did you expect to gain from workout, and how were you disappointed?

Dear thatssoelsie,

In regards to your questions, no he’s actually none of the above. Its just his job we have an issue with.

That’s important – it means he respects you and doesn’t see you as inferior in any sense.

The only justifiable reason I can think of for his hiding you is that he wants to protect himself from possible mocking and teasing by his co-workers if they would get to meet you.

I know he’s mentioned to me in the past has taken his ex to his job before

Perhaps he took his ex to his work place, and after that was faced with teasing and inappropriate comments. And he regretted it that he revealed his private life, i.e. made himself vulnerable. Perhaps he is afraid of his co-workers’ crudeness and cruelty (which might be the case in that working environment), and he wants to spare himself from that?

You also said:

We don’t have any pictures of each other on social media, were both private people in that aspect.

How come? What’s the motivation for keeping each other a secret on social media?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Hi Felix,

I am sorry about your experience and your pain. I hear and can almost feel your pain as you say “I am all alone and it’s only getting worse. It’s a perfect storm and my only reaction (internally) is sadness and tears.”

I hear you and agree with you and I am looking within.

That’s good, because a large part of your problem is related to your experience with your mother. This past trauma is magnifying what you are experiencing on the outside: selfish, materialistic women who don’t even notice you.

The problem is that the good ones are either already taken or are being pursued by 10 guys or more

Among the good ones, there are women who get divorced or break up with their boyfriends, so there is always a new influx of available women. Because life circumstances change… if you believe these percentages are set in stone and that your chance is minuscule, you’re making it much harder for yourself. You only need ONE good woman. And she is out there for sure…

Dear Akansha,

Even when I told him I want to stop communication he told me about how one of his exes also stopped communication with him. … He was like I think it’s not fair to do that to people but if there is a wound he would be respectful about it.

I believe he wanted to make you feel bad for cutting contact with him (“it’s not fair to do that to people”). He would have liked you to be available whenever he pleased. But then he said: if there is a wound – meaning if you are not emotionally mature enough to keep contact with him, but are wounded – then he would respect it. He is suggesting that you are somehow deficient for not wanting to keep contact with him (and being exploited by him). He is suggesting he is more mature and advanced than you, when in fact he was being selfish and manipulative.

Anyway, it was not my business anymore. I told him I am sorry you feel sad but I need to focus on myself. I think you have moved on and I need to do that too.

Good that you stood your ground. Be aware that he was manipulating you. It’s okay if you focus on yourself and not tend to his selfish needs any more.

I felt sad about this behaviour of mine and thought it might be better if I sought some help.

I am glad you’ve reached out. In your first post you expressed that you were angry at him, but even more so angry at yourself for not seeing things clearly, and for still being susceptible to him. I hope you now see things a little bit more clearly, specially with regard to his behavior. If you have further questions or feel like you need some help, please post again anytime.

Take care, and wishing you all the best!