Dear Dave,

you are welcome. You said she has self-esteem issues and lots of self-doubt. That, coupled with her comment “the only reason you love me is that I gave you a son“, might indicate that she really doesn’t love herself. Perhaps she believes that she is a bad wife and mother, but at least her job is what gives her satisfaction, and maybe even an escape from her feelings of failure as wife and mother? She is always late, even when she promises you a date night, and that too can be a way of self-sabotage, because it proves to her over and over again how inadequate she is.

Also, she might want to do things right – fixing the barn – because she believes she can’t do things right in her marriage?

This is just one possible explanation of her behavior – of her rejection of every and all attempts to change her working hours so she can spend more time with you and your son. When you confront her with it, she shuts down, she doesn’t want to talk about it, she stops speaking to you at all. What might be happening is that such confrontations open her wound of feeling not good enough, of feeling like a failure, and it’s too painful. She can’t bear it, so she shuts down.

If this is plausible, I believe your wife would need to continue working on her self-esteem and heal her wound of being not good enough. Because this wound might be causing all this turmoil…

Dear Luna,

you’re very welcome. I hope you’ll get accepted to the Masters program and can move away from your family, find a job and slowly start working on yourself.

And yes, loving that little girl, who is scared and confused, is the first step. You’ve been taking care of others for so long, now it’s time to take care of her. I believe having a trusted therapist will help you a great deal. You can do it, Luna, because you are strong too!

Wishing you well, and post anytime you need <3

Dear Dave,

you’re welcome.

We have talked about her hours and changes to her business that would let her have more time, but she doesn’t do anything about it.

So you have been through this cycle of talking about possible improvements, discussing options, you giving suggestions, asking for her ideas… and the result is that nothing changes. Because she cannot make up her mind. For some reason, she is stuck.

Does she realize that she is hurting your relationship by spending the whole day at work and even fixing things that the property owners should be fixing? Have you told her how you feel when she dedicates so much time to her work, while dedicating so little time to you and your son?

Perhaps the first thing to clarify is why she’s staying at work so long – is it because she is avoiding you or resenting you for something (“I am afraid that if I ask her to go to couples therapy she will not have time, or stay at work longer to avoid it.”), or because of reasons that have nothing to do with you, such as her low self-esteem or similar?

In any case, I believe it would be good if you’d express your own needs and also express how it makes you feel when she is never home. Perhaps instead of trying to help her with her business plan (which obviously doesn’t work), talk about your feelings honestly and see how she reacts.

Dear Felix,

 I won’t turn myself into a lone wolf… as i believe it’ll cause negative impacts on me…. and yeah i have few good friends (less than 10).

Good to hear you won’t turn into a lone wolf! Less than 10 good friends is quite a lot, even 2 or 3 really good friends can be enough…

Although i can still hangout with them, i don’t feel as attach as i used to with them (with my current mindset)…. I don’t even wanna care about their lives anymore…

Good you’re not attached to them and aren’t comparing your life with theirs any more. I believe it’s a good strategy that for the time being, you focus on yourself, learning about yourself, going inward rather than outward, developing more self-esteem etc. Later, when you feel more self-confident, you can start reaching out more, inquiring how they are, showing genuine interest in them. What I am trying to say is that you can care about their lives in a positive, friendly manner, not in an anxious manner, where you’re comparing yourself with them (which you might have done so far).

I posted that kind of pic because she usually initiates a chat with me if there’s something funny…..

Goofy pictures are fun, you don’t need to feel embarrassed at all! Actually it tells others you are cool and relaxed because you don’t mind posting a funny picture of yourself. So rest assured, it’s totally harmless and seen either as positive or neutral. You have nothing to worry about.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Luna,

good to hear from you again! I think it was a good decision you broke up with him. As it turns out, he too agreed and saw it as inevitable.

It’s understandable that you’re now feeling “distressed and confused”. It’s a new situation for you, and you are quite sensitive and in need of a lot of support. He was that support for you in the beginning, and I think that’s why you feel he was “the only safe ground you had”. You’re now on your own, and need to be your own support, and/or find other resources, such as therapy.

 I feel like a glass full of cracks. I was cracked by a lot of bullets, but I will not break. it’s painful.

It’s good you feel resilient enough to continue without breaking. But you’d need to deal with your childhood wounds and childhood trauma, because that’s what caused those bullet wounds and cracks in your system. That’s what causes you pain. You’d need to heal, slowly but surely, in order to be able to live a happy and fulfilling life.

I ask myself why I have to add a new kind of pain to my pains. So far, I have endured a lot and gone through many problems. It amazes me how I managed to do this.

You are a strong woman, Luna. You can take a lot, but it hurts. As I said, now is the time to start healing those wounds. In Japan, they have an art of gluing back together broken pottery with gold (it’s called kintsugi), because they believe that our scars is what makes us beautiful. It’s what makes us stronger, more authentic, more of who we are. Perhaps you can look at your healing process as the art of gluing your broken pieces with gold, and then standing beautiful and strong.

How does that sound to you?

Hi Damien,

you’re welcome. I think it’s a good decision to wait till she comes back from visiting her parents. As you say, she might be in a better mood and more relaxed, so this could be a bonus. Aug 15th would have been tight indeed.

I do hope she’ll be receptive to you and your vision of the future. If not, at least you’ll know you did your best. But I hope it all works out fine for you. Let us know how it went… and fingers crossed!

Dear Felix,

Till now i’m still doing the exercise with the dumbbells… although the dumbbells are light and i only do a few moves, i easily get tired…. i tried adding push ups and i felt exhausted easily…. Like i feel so weak, i cant imagine when i can go to the gym later on after covid restrictions has been lifted, although i really want to bulk my body/make it bigger….

You’ve just started a few days ago, no wonder you get easily tired. Keep it up, that’s how you train your muscles. Slowly, step by step, and always go just a little bit over your tiredness limit – push yourself only a little bit over what you feel comfortable. That’s how you’ll make progress and develop stamina. And it will make it easier for you once the lockdown is lifted and you hit the gym – you won’t need to start from scratch there.

This exhaustion feels like i’m not a person meant to do exercises … but i’ll keep trying.

Exercise is for everybody. In the beginning it’s hard, specially if you are weak and have no muscles, but with time it gets easier, and you might even start enjoying it 🙂

Don’t girls usually prefer guys who have a well-paid job or better?

Of course it’s a bonus if the guy has a well-paying job, but that’s not the only criterion. What I wanted to say is that you shouldn’t try to impress those kind of girls for whom money and status is one of the main criteria for choosing a partner.

why does everybody like to promote their so called “happy” lives on social media?

Not everybody likes it, but there are many who do. They feel better about themselves when they post, they like other people’s attention, they want to present a certain”perfect” picture about themselves… there are various motives why they do it. Sometimes people simply want to share their joyful moments with others (e.g. when posting holidays pictures), and there’s nothing wrong about that.

I easily question my decision whenever i saw other people feeling happy….Like when i saw they achieve something on that “job”… i question myself, should i’ve taken that “job path”?

If i saw them having a relationship in their uni days, i question myself… why cant i get a relationship in my uni days…

And if i saw them happy studying abroad… i also question myself, i should’ve study far abroad… and it end up making me feel regret…

Why do u think this “questioning” myself happen? How can i get rid of it?

You’re questioning yourself because you don’t know yourself. You believe that doing what everybody else is doing will make you happy. But in reality, you can only be truly happy if you are doing what makes you happy.

Here is what I told you a while ago:

The solution is not to become extrovert, if you’re an introvert. The solution is not to talk about superficial things, if you prefer deeper topics and talking about emotions. The solution is not to become someone else, but to be yourself, with confidence.

Whenever you start thinking that you should do this or that because it seems it makes other people happy – make a pause and tell yourself that even if it makes them happy, it won’t necessarily make you happy. Because you are unique, you have your unique needs, goals and desires. You need to get in touch with yourself more (I spoke about it in my previous post), to discover what will really make you happy.

Hi Felix,

thanks for your kind words regarding my health. I hope your asthma will get better too.

I have this mental thought and I am pretty sure it’s an accurate representation of reality, is that until I am super fit physically (and emotionally), have a house, and can show a woman that I can be a good father, I have NO chance.

This mental thought is a reflection of your experience with your mother. Unless you’re materially well-off (owning a house is a pretty high standard!), you believe you’ll be unattractive and invisible to women. Your experience with your ex wife was different, you said she wasn’t materialistic, however the early imprint is still active in your subconscious and is running your life.

I know that’s not always the case, but I am going based on the last few years of my life. I am invisible to local women.

Our subconscious beliefs are like a magnet. They attract what we believe is true. If you strongly believe you aren’t rich enough to find a woman, it will become your reality. For example, you’ll look in wrong places, you’ll be attracted to a wrong kind of women (materialistic ones) and won’t notice a different type, you’ll mingle in the wrong neighborhood, you’ll give away a vibe that will repel women etc etc. All those are ways how we create our reality based on a subconscious false belief.

But this relationship problem, I truly feel it will break me. Not being overly dramatic or anything like that. I truly feel like I will lose my mind being this lonesome.

I know you’re not exaggerating. Being in a relationship, having a loving, caring connection with someone is a basic human need. But there is a trick there: if we don’t love ourselves, if we believe we are unlovable (because we for example aren’t rich enough), no amount of outside love will satisfy us. We’ll still believe we are unlovable, and we’ll sabotage even the best relationship. This might have happened to you earlier, perhaps, with your wife?

In any case, the place to start when looking for love is within. You need to love yourself first, so you can be ready for a healthy relationship. Otherwise you’ll blow it. Can you see that?