Dear Karma,

how about your childhood and youth? Did you feel good enough then? Were you criticized? How did you feel about yourself before you met him?

Dear Richard,

you’re welcome. I am sorry about your brother bullying you so mercilessly. How did you parents react to his bullying, did they try to protect you, i.e. discipline him?

Dear Karma,

Yes, you understood me right.. My life was limited to him. But i was nowhere in his list of priorities.

Right. So now you’d need to become more independent of him. If I understood well, you have a job, so you’re financially independent of him, right? By the way, how is the atmosphere at your work  place? Do you have good colleagues, is it pleasant to work there?

Next is emotional independence – that you don’t need him to emotionally support you, listen to you, soothe you, give you his opinion etc. You say you have family and friends who are very supportive. Do you feel you can speak to them openly, without feeling judged by them?

Dear Karma,

I am sorry you’re hurting so much and that he is being so harsh and inconsiderate with you.

His behavior while you were still together was also quite problematic: e.g. he would go out with his friends but would lie to you about his whereabouts. He was irritated and angry because his startup failed, but he took it out on you. He was physically aggressive  – he hit you 3 times. You waited to spend the weekends together, but he had other plans, which didn’t include you. When you complained, he blamed you for having too high expectations and that you have changed.

From his behavior, it seems to me he hasn’t respected you enough and took you for granted. And after a while, he started seeing you as a nuisance. Even if you did start demanding more attention since you’ve moved to the new city, his treatment of you wasn’t fair.

Can you explain a little more about the transition to the new city and how it affected you? You said that in the first 5 years, before the move, you were busy with friends and studies, and he with his cricket, and you didn’t demand too much of his attention. But once you moved to the new city, you didn’t form new friendships, and you relied entirely on him for emotional support. You say you earned good money but you wanted to be only around him.

How was the new city and the new environment different from the old one, that you suddenly became so withdrawn and insecure, and dependent only on him?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear nice_cup_of_tea,

I’m at the stage though where I need to start attending certain social functions that I don’t particularly want to

Prior to the pandemic I managed to do things I didn’t want to do without getting so worked up about it.

You mentioned your in-laws as an example of people whom you don’t necessarily want to meet, but you feel you have to, for the sake of your husband. Are there other examples? Do you feel it’s a theme in your life that you feel you are forced to do things against your will, and it causes resentment?

Dear Felix,

i think there is a pair of dumbbell weights in my house… although it’s not heavy i guess i can try to use it for my exercise.

You can start with smaller weights (the ones you have at home), but if they are too light, buy another, heavier pair.

As for your teeth, you can inquire how long the teeth straightening process will last, i.e. how long you would have to wear braces. Also, if you’d be able to do it, considering your swallowing problem. Braces wouldn’t be a physical obstacle, people can eat normally with them as far as I know, but maybe psychologically for you it may be a problem.

Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?

Yes, definitely, try to take it easy and live in the moment, without jumping in your mind all over the place, creating all those scenarios and potential obstacles in your head. Try to focus on the here and now, and what you can do today to improve yourself.

Dear AP,

I just felt at home when I was by her side… She was my best friend and my lover. That’s everyone dream.. Right?

Yes, we all want that deep connection where we feel understood and loved for who we are. But at the time of the breakup, you must have felt differently about her. Although you felt so good and at home with her, you still couldn’t accept the fact that she cannot move closer to you, and that it’s largely not her fault.

You most likely reacted from your wound… perhaps you felt like she was depriving you of something – perhaps of that sense of home, of safety and security by her side – and it made you feel hurt and betrayed? And perhaps it also made you feel hopeless that she can even fulfill that need, with her ex preventing her to move away? Is that what happened?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear AP,

She told me why she had kept away – that we had been in a drama triangle (she went through therapy) she said that is why it ended and why she had kept away

Right… you mentioned a little bit about this drama triangle: that at first she promised she’d move closer to you, but then her ex, the mother of her kids, forbid her (I guess she has the right to veto moving to a different state?), and she backtracked on you. You felt very hurt and couldn’t accept it, and so you suggested you should date other people – basically pushing her away and initiating breakup.

She’s obviously been in therapy for that, and probably has worked through her anger and pain, and has forgiven you, I guess. That’s why her answer wasn’t cold and curt, but warm and heartfelt. She talked about her kids, which is sort of a neutral topic.  Maybe she thought you were interested in knowing how her kids are. And also, she likes your children, so she suggested a video chat with all of you together.

In all this I don’t see that she’s shown interest in renewing the relationship with you. It rather seems to me that she doesn’t hold a grudge against you any more – she’s healed and moved on – and that’s why she agreed to help you in your legal matter. She didn’t want to be a b**** and refuse you, specially if she has the resources to help you, and she’s healed from her wounds, so she can deal with you without getting triggered.

Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??

Because she likes your children and doesn’t mind staying in touch with them occasionally? Specially when they told her they love her and miss her, it’s only natural she told them she loves them and missed them too. And that she sent gifts. It’s a completely natural reaction – she is kind with your children and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. But she also doesn’t initiate contact with them and only replies when they write to her.

This still fits the scenario where she doesn’t really want to renew the relationship with you, but nevertheless, is polite and helping you with your legal matter, and is kind to your children.