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July 30, 2021 at 12:31 am in reply to: back to controlling mom’s house at age 30?! 23 missed calls while on date!! #383688
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ParticipantDear D,
I am finding it hard to deal with her controlling personality and with the emotional weight of moving back to my mom’s house at age 30.
Has she been controlling in your childhood too? Because her actions could be seen as well-meaning, e.g. if she has a lot of time on her hands and she wants to make it as comfortable for you as possible, and then she re-arranges the furniture etc. But even so, I guess the fact that she didn’t tell you beforehand and didn’t ask for your opinion, is a warning sign.
She might believe she knows better, and doesn’t respect your opinion or your preferences. And this can be hard to deal with, specially if you’re in a fragile place emotionally at the moment, and could use her support rather than this subtle form of dismissal (if this is what you feel is happening?)
Tee
ParticipantDear OrangeHeart,
you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.
I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!
Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…
It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
Maybe I just need to slow down ND see where things evolve?
maybe. It seems you’re really terrified of admitting how you feel to her, because what if she rejects you and then closes that door forever. And that would be unbearable for you because you still love her and believe she’s your soul mate. If you feel this way, it’s better not to rush things, not to come forward with big confessions just yet. If you meet face to face, perhaps it will be clearer what she is feeling towards you…
July 29, 2021 at 10:25 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383683Tee
ParticipantDear Candice88,
it seems you really tried everything, were patient with him, explained what bothers you and what might be his problem. And yet, he’s still finding excuses and avoiding to take responsibility for his actions, and always ends up accusing you. (this could be a little like your mother – she too would vehemently deny responsibility for her actions… just something to notice here)
We are going to our first couples therapy session in a week, so we will see how it goes.
OK. It may work since he sort of admitted recently that he was a “schmuck”. Until he admits his own responsibility (and his own unresolved issues from the past), there is no hope of him changing. Good that you’re aware of all that, and this time you’re determined not to tolerate his empty promises any more…
I am determined to move out, as heartbreaking as it is.
You’re doing the right thing. 100%. I know it’s hard because it’s also a new situation for you to navigate, but it will be rewarding to finally stand up for yourself. It’s hard but necessary…
If you need support in the following days or have doubts about anything, please don’t hesitate to post… wishing you luck with the move and everything!
Tee
ParticipantDear OrangeHeart,
How can i work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first? I think i might be a people pleaser, i dont know how to stop it!
Yes, you do seem to have people pleasing tendencies, and it could be caused by the fear of being rejected if you stand up for yourself. If you stand up for yourself and e.g. refuse to take your sister to a concert but choose to go with a friend of yours, what are you afraid would happen?
Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing!
Is this dynamic familiar to you? Perhaps your father behaved similarly towards your mother – trying not to upset her, even at his own expense?
July 29, 2021 at 10:49 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383652Tee
ParticipantDear Candice88,
it’s good that you’re aware of the dynamic (that he sees you as his nagging mother who doesn’t love him and doesn’t care about him. And whom he resents a lot because of that). Have you talked with him about the need to work on his anger, specially related to his mother? It’s fine to express anger in a safe, therapeutic setting – that’s how he could be free from projecting it on to you.
Oh absolutely. I told him that those words are empty without actions, and I’m not going to risk forming a family with him based off of what I’ve seen.
Good that you’re determined to protect yourself. I do hope you stay determined once you get home… How do you feel about moving out now?
July 29, 2021 at 8:58 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383648Tee
ParticipantDear Candice88,
it occurred to me that M has a lot of resentment, stemming from his childhood (resentment for neither of his parents being there for him), and he is carrying this resentment into the relationship with you. It seems he resents you for working from home, and his resentment also shows in his unwillingness to help you with chores. He might be subconsciously thinking that his parents didn’t show up for him, then why would he show up for them (and you might remind him of his mother a little?). It seems to me he’d need to first deal with his anger at his parents, before he can have a semblance of a normal, healthy relationship.
Even if he is really working more now (“he grinds at work so that you can have a better life”), he’s still doing it with anger and resentment. And he probably believes that no one cares about his feelings – because no one really did in his childhood. And that’s why, no matter how caring you are, he sees you as demanding and nagging – because he’s projecting stuff on you, stuff that isn’t really there.
I don’t know if this sounds truthful to you and if it would make sense to talk with him about it. But what’s sure is that his promise to “change when you get pregnant” is an empty promise, and there’s no point in staying…
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away.
How did you push her? If she feels angry at you, perhaps she secretly, or even unconsciously, expects you to apologize for your behavior? Do you feel there is something you’d need to apologize for?
Tee
ParticipantP.S. What shadow work have you done? Have you worked on expressing your anger (in a safe setting) towards those who have hurt you or betrayed you?
Tee
ParticipantDear Lisa,
ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.
you’re welcome. And it’s really not your fault.
ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.
You have been abandoned a lot in your childhood, Lisa, even by your mother somewhat when she didn’t believe you, and then finally, when she passed away. She was your only support and then you lost her. You couldn’t trust anybody else, you were all alone by the age of 11.
It’s no wonder you started going out with boys pretty early, and you ended up in an abusive relationship with your previous ex, who just hurt you even more. He might have been the first person who started blaming you openly for things that weren’t your fault:
he would scream at me, and make me apologize for things he did. He would cut himself when he and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life
He dumped you, but then after the break-up he would still use you for sex whenever he felt like. You allowed it because you couldn’t bear to be abandoned once again. You probably even believed it was your fault, because the sense of guilt was already imprinted in you from childhood (the child believes that if bad things happen to her and her parents or caretakers are mean to her, it must be her fault).
to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….
You did it yourself, without a help of a professional? Have you worked on your fear of abandonment? Because that’s what pushes you into a relationship, and then makes you stay in it even if it’s abusive and you’re not getting your needs met.
July 29, 2021 at 12:57 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383624Tee
ParticipantDear Candice88,
your relationship with M is indeed deeply troubled and it seems to me you’re getting not even breadcrumbs from him. He gives you absolutely nothing, and then accuses you of being too demanding and not patient enough.
he finally quit using (if I’m to believe him) in April 2021. His attitude and behaviour haven’t gotten much better. I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone,
Do you even see him during the week? This regime of his gives him plenty of opportunity to still be using, without you knowing about it.
I don’t see any real willingness to change on his part. Even his claim that he quit is highly questionable, and he also wanted to cheat on you, because “you’re not saying anything nice to him any more”. It shows he doesn’t see his behavior as a problem but sees you as a problem. You should tolerate his addiction and neglect for years on end, and still remain hopeful that some day he might decide to change?
You’re doing a good thing you’re moving out. Even if he asks you to stay (because it’s convenient to have you in a mother/care-taker role), don’t stay by any means. The way things are now, he’s only using you, and not giving you absolutely anything but just causing you pain and more trauma. By moving out, you’re protecting yourself, your mental health and your well-being.
bracing myself for if we don’t work, despite how much I love him
Perhaps in part you love the memory of those few early months which were fun, and also the idea that he at least in theory shares the same values (regarding kids, family, life philosophy etc). But it’s only in theory – in practice he’s completely incapable for having a family because he would be a neglectful and unreliable father and partner.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
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ParticipantDear Lisa,
I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways
no, you don’t have to be paying back the karma and enduring his mistreatment for the fact that once, in an extremely difficult period for you, you told him you didn’t love him. You told him numerous times since that you do love him, and not only that, but you’ve also worked on yourself:
i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treating me the way i treated him.
What did you do to develop more self-love and self-worth?
If you really have changed, and weren’t pushing him away any more, like you were in the beginning of your relationship – then there’s no reason he’d treat you like that. It seems he started pushing you away when you sincerely wanted to get closer. He is still blaming you for something you said once, when you were in a really rough spot. He seems unable to forgive you. This would suggest he has issues of his own, perhaps dealing with a sense of betrayal that he experienced in his own family.
Anyway, what’s happening is that his blaming you falls on fertile ground, because you have a strong sense of guilt, and so you easily go into self-doubt, like I shouldn’t complain and shouldn’t even be saying anything when I am actually the one to blame for all this etc etc. Your self-love and self-worth evaporate in those moments…
Usually such a strong guilt is related to our childhood, e.g. we may be feeling guilty for disappointing our parents or something like that. Can you remember when you felt guilty for the first time, what were you blaming yourself as a child?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
her behavior is confusing, therefore it’s no wonder you’re confused. She wanted no contact but would sometimes send you messages, and when you would reply, she would close the door on any further communication. When you contacted her asking for legal help, she was very warm and welcoming, even suggested a phone call, but in that phone call, she was cold again. Then she suggested a video call with both your and her kids – she seems to like your kids, she sent them birthday presents, and is open to a possibility to meet with your children face to face once you move closer to where she lives – but she didn’t offer any help with moving.
It’s unclear to me why she was keeping in touch. Perhaps to check if you’re fine, since when she left you, you were “in a terrible place with your mental health”. Perhaps she was worried about you, but nothing more than that? That’s the only reason I see why she may behave like she does. Plus, she seems like she likes your children, and the feeling is mutual, so she might not necessarily want to “slam the door” on that relationship, specially when she saw how much your children still like her?
Tee
ParticipantDear Lisa,
I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, haven’t read it all, but I did get an approximate idea of some of the key moments in your life so far, including your childhood. I see you’re blaming yourself a lot, while at the same time trying to love yourself (“i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth.”). But it seems that on a deeper level, there’s still a lot of self-condemnation.
I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made
What is the mistake you’ve made, that you believe you should pay for, i.e. that you might deserve poor treatment for?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
July 28, 2021 at 11:26 am in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383585Tee
ParticipantDear Candice88,
you’re very welcome, I am glad you find it helpful.
About M, you said:
I’m trying to do things for myself that are also preparing me for the mess with M that I am returning home to in a few days.
What is the mess with M you’re expecting when you return home? Is it related to you moving out? What reaction are you expecting from him?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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