Dear OrangeHeart,

you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.

I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!

Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…

It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…

Dear Candice88,

it seems you really tried everything, were patient with him, explained what bothers you and what might be his problem. And yet, he’s still finding excuses and avoiding to take responsibility for his actions, and always ends up accusing you. (this could be a little like your mother – she too would vehemently deny responsibility for her actions… just something to notice here)

We are going to our first couples therapy session in a week, so we will see how it goes.

OK. It may work since he sort of admitted recently that he was a “schmuck”. Until he admits his own responsibility (and his own unresolved issues from the past), there is no hope of him changing. Good that you’re aware of all that, and this time you’re determined not to tolerate his empty promises any more…

I am determined to move out, as heartbreaking as it is.

You’re doing the right thing. 100%. I know it’s hard because it’s also a new situation for you to navigate, but it will be rewarding to finally stand up for yourself. It’s hard but necessary…

If you need support in the following days or have doubts about anything, please don’t hesitate to post… wishing you luck with the move and everything!

Dear Candice88,

it’s good that you’re aware of the dynamic (that he sees you as his nagging mother who doesn’t love him and doesn’t care about him. And whom he resents a lot because of that). Have you talked with him about the need to work on his anger, specially related to his mother? It’s fine to express anger in a safe, therapeutic setting – that’s how he could be free from projecting it on to you.

Oh absolutely. I told him that those words are empty without actions, and I’m not going to risk forming a family with him based off of what I’ve seen.

Good that you’re determined to protect yourself. I do hope you stay determined once you get home… How do you feel about moving out now?

Dear AP,

at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away.

How did you push her? If she feels angry at you, perhaps she secretly, or even unconsciously, expects you to apologize for your behavior? Do you feel there is something you’d need to apologize for?

Dear Lisa,

ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.

you’re welcome. And it’s really not your fault.

ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.

You have been abandoned a lot in your childhood, Lisa, even by your mother somewhat when she didn’t believe you, and then finally, when she passed away. She was your only support and then you lost her. You couldn’t trust anybody else, you were all alone by the age of 11.

It’s no wonder you started going out with boys pretty early, and you ended up in an abusive relationship with your previous ex, who just hurt you even more. He might have been the first person who started blaming you openly for things that weren’t your fault:

he would scream at me, and make me apologize for things he did. He would cut himself when he and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life

He dumped you, but then after the break-up he would still use you for sex whenever he felt like. You allowed it because you couldn’t bear to be abandoned once again. You probably even believed it was your fault, because the sense of guilt was already imprinted in you from childhood (the child believes that if bad things happen to her and her parents or caretakers are mean to her, it must be her fault).

to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….

You did it yourself, without a help of a professional? Have you worked on your fear of abandonment? Because that’s what pushes you into a relationship, and then makes you stay in it even if it’s abusive and you’re not getting your needs met.

Dear Lisa,

I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways

no, you don’t have to be paying back the karma and enduring his mistreatment for the fact that once, in an extremely difficult period for you, you told him you didn’t love him. You told him numerous times since that you do love him, and not only that, but you’ve also worked on yourself:

i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treating me the way i treated him.

What did you do to develop more self-love and self-worth?

If you really have changed, and weren’t pushing him away any more, like you were in the beginning of your relationship – then there’s no reason he’d treat you like that. It seems he started pushing you away when you sincerely wanted to get closer. He is still blaming you for something you said once, when you were in a really rough spot. He seems unable to forgive you. This would suggest he has issues of his own, perhaps dealing with a sense of betrayal that he experienced in his own family.

Anyway, what’s happening is that his blaming you falls on fertile ground, because you have a strong sense of guilt, and so you easily go into self-doubt, like I shouldn’t complain and shouldn’t even be saying anything when I am actually the one to blame for all this etc etc. Your self-love and self-worth evaporate in those moments…

Usually such a strong guilt is related to our childhood, e.g. we may be feeling guilty for disappointing our parents or something like that. Can you remember when you felt guilty for the first time, what were you blaming yourself as a child?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Lisa,

I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, haven’t read it all, but I did get an approximate idea of some of the key moments in your life so far, including your childhood. I see you’re blaming yourself a lot, while at the same time trying to love yourself (“i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth.”). But it seems that on a deeper level, there’s still a lot of self-condemnation.

I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made

What is the mistake you’ve made, that you believe you should pay for,  i.e. that you might deserve poor treatment for?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.