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Viewing 15 posts - 1,471 through 1,485 (of 1,952 total)
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  • in reply to: Regretting a missed career opportunity abroad #382057
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    it’s good to hear from you again! I am glad you’re doing the body transformation challenge and haven’t given up. I imagine it makes you feel a little better and more positive about yourself?

    I understand you weren’t ready last time to look deeper into the psychological stuff. But you might need to, at least a little, to resolve the dilemma about your ex girlfriend. You say: “I still can’t forget her. I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else“.

    Considering that you had 2 long-term relationships before her, one of them almost ending in marriage (and it didn’t only because of her parents, not because you didn’t want to get married) – it means quite a lot. I mean, if you wanted to get married to a girl with whom you felt less close than to your ex, then it would make sense to seriously consider your ex for marriage as well. At least that’s how I see it.

    You say you weren’t this confused before the pandemic:

    I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength.

    Your confusion may have to do with the fact that you’re living with your parents. It triggers and amplifies your feeling of insecurity, even hopelessness. Because growing up with a sad and depressed mother, and never really succeeding in making her happy although you tried your best – can lead to a feeling of hopelessness. You may be unconsciously thinking something like: “today things are good and we may laugh (when mom is happy after seeing a good movie), but tomorrow it may all come crashing down and we may lose it again. I may lose it again (when mom is depressed and I cannot console her).”

    So, you might have this feeling that happiness is fleeting, and that you will lose it sooner or later – because that’s how you felt while growing up. And now that you’ve been living with your family for l,5 years, the feeling is stronger and you cannot shake if off. You don’t have the mental power to resist it on your own.

    Please consider that this might be a problem, and that living with your parents affects you negatively. It affects your thought process too, making you even more insecure, confused and hopeless.

    You might want to consider that the fears you had/have about your ex are also magnified by living at your parents’ place. If you want to have more clarity, you’d need to move away from home. I believe you’d need to do that before you start applying for jobs abroad, before making any major decision in life. Because now you’re trapped in this thinking, and even if you get a good offer, you will most probably refuse it, like you did in the past:

    I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process.

    Yes, your through process is hijacked by your fears and the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness – everything you felt as a little boy. In order to help yourself, you’d need to move away from home – as prerequisite No1. What do you think about it? Do you think it’s feasible?

    I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place.  … I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world.

    Many love stories are born from “chance” encounters. Why do you think it was a mistake? If you felt more close with her than with anybody else, then it can’t be a mistake – but rather a gift?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Luna,

    it seems to be that in the beginning he tried to “save” you, and was very enthusiastic about your relationship. Then he got disillusioned (like he does with other things in his life, such as photography), and he reverted to his normal self – which is feeling anxious, worthless, lacking enthusiasm, somewhat depressed, exhibiting passive aggressive and other immature behavior, and last but not least, lacking interest in the relationship (“he does not know why he gets bored easily after some time in a relationship”).

    You liked his enthusiasm and energy in the beginning of your relationship. You don’t like his present self, because he’s not listening to your complaints – he tends to shut you up and tell you you’re overreacting. He gets scared when you talk about your suicidal thoughts, and this makes you feel alone. He doesn’t want to talk about his problems and his emotions with you. He stonewalls you and then sulks if you demand that he talk to you.

    It seems that at this point, you can’t stand each other’s bad mood, and cannot really support each other in any way:

    I cannot stand his bad mood, and this has made both of us tired of each other. I cannot face someone else’s negative energy when I am in a bad mood I can’t take it and Im sorry about this.

    In the past he could stand your bad mood, but now he cannot and doesn’t want to, because he has enough of his own problems. You miss his support and enthusiasm that he showed in the beginning, and because of that you started resenting him.

    You also realized you’re very different, have different interests, political views, views about life etc. You have hardly anything in common, other than the childhood trauma (“family issues, father issues“). Since the original dynamic – him trying to save you and you relying on his help and support – changed, there’s nothing that binds you any more.

    It seems to me there’s really no point in staying together, because both of you have serious issues to work on, and once you solve those issues, it’s not sure you would even like each other. It’s not sure you would even be compatible.

    What you like about him is that he wouldn’t cheat on you (“He has most of the moral qualities I expected from my partner. I trust him completely and I know he does not talk to anyone else.”). But other than, there isn’t much that you like about him, is there? And maybe, there isn’t much that he likes about you either at this point. You think he would be disappointed and heartbroken if he found out that you’re so unsure about him, but perhaps he would be relieved?

     

    in reply to: Comparison #381966
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Frances,

    when did you start suffering from anxiety?

    You say you don’t have a life. What kind of life would you like to have? Do you have an idea of your ideal life?

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear bren,

    He might not be able to give you a clear No because of his own issues, such as the one I mentioned – that he wants to have you as a backup in case things don’t work out with his new girlfriend. Or it could be other reasons, such as him feeling guilty for cutting you off.

    A bigger problem, at least as I see it, is why you feel at an impasse if he doesn’t give you a clear-cut answer. Why having hope, i.e. a chance of getting back with him – is such a burden for you. My impression is that it could be because you’re afraid you might not live up to his expectations:

    He also said what if we get back together and I work on these things I have going on and then stop and it goes back to the way it was.

    He doesn’t want to be disappointed again. He’s been disappointed before. You said he lost hope (that you would change?), and that’s why he broke up with you. You don’t want to mess it up again.

    If he told you he’s not interested in a future with you, you wouldn’t need to worry about messing up again. And you wouldn’t risk being rejected again – for not being good enough.

    Does this sound like a possibility to you?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear bren,

    I am making these changes for myself. I am getting help, I am making changes in my life that I have realized are hindering me and my happiness

    That’s great. If you work on yourself and heal your emotional wounds, it will benefit first and foremost you. You’ll be capable of a better and healthier relationship – whether it’s with him or someone else.

    but theres still that stupid feeling in my heart that things could come back together.

    So a part of you is still hoping, and another part says it’s stupid to hope – probably to protect yourself from hurt.

    The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope.

    Because if you give up hope, you wouldn’t be hurt, is that right? It’s easier not to hope, than to hope and be rejected….

    You said earlier:

    I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference.

    I want to show him… how I’ve changed, how I’ve grown? It’s like you want him to be proud of you. You said you don’t even care that he’s seeing someone new:

    For some reason I don’t care that he started to see someone new, I feel fully focused on just us, even though there is no “us”.

    What if this situation with him reminds you of a dynamic between you and one of your parents, whom you wanted to impress and make him/her proud of you?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear bren,

    I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going in that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match his personality, it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years.

    I never want to feel the way I felt ever again now that I know I can control it. My therapist said … the changes I am making are going to be life long.

    It seems you’ve come to some realizations of how you were contributing to problems in your relationship, and you’ve decided to work on yourself and attend therapy. That’s a great decision and a great plan. You’re working on some deep issues, which will lead to life-long changes, and you becoming a happier, more fulfilled and more authentic person.

    What kind of spoils the plan is that you seem to tie your determination to work on yourself with his willingness to get together with you. You’re enmeshed with him, and in this enmeshment you seem conflicted because one part of you is eager to improve and get back together with him:

    After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future because I could fix the feelings i’ve been having.

    Hard to accept he would move on so fast to suppress his feelings for me. Hard to accept that we didn’t communicate the past year which really led to the downfall. Hard to let him go. Difficult to shake the feeling in my heart.

    But another part wants him to shut the door on you:

    I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell and to just block me after because I had no idea why I felt this way in my heart.

    I just don’t understand why he won’t say no.

    I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there.

    I am trying to convince myself I am holding onto hope, not reality.

    How would it be different for you if he would give you a definite No? If he would shut the door on you completely? What would change for you?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear bren,

    when you asked him:

    “would you be willing to step back from your situation to allow time for us to spend together?”

    did you mean if he would be willing to stop seeing the other woman? And to that, his answer was “I don’t think I can do that”?

    If so, he doesn’t really want to risk breaking up with his new girlfriend for a hope of possibly having a better relationship with you in the future. It seems to me he is the type of person who can’t be alone, he needs someone. That’s why he doesn’t want to say No to you either, in case things don’t work out with his new girlfriend. I think that’s the mystery of his being reluctant to say either a clear Yes or No to you. Would you agree with that?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
    in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #381917
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    If it’s a holiday picture, say you’re on a beach, it’s okay if it’s without glasses because it gives an appropriate context – e.g. you’re on a beach, sitting in a beach chair, enjoying yourself. I think in that case no one would be surprised to see you without glasses. So you could achieve what you wanted: attract attention (possibly to your better looks without glasses) without bringing yourself into an awkward situation.

    But in that case too, even if posting the photo is “legit”, one thing will happen for sure: you’ll be obsessively thinking about people’s reactions, and the internal saboteur will take over. You won’t be able to feel good about yourself, thinking “I am handsome” and be pleased about yourself, but you’ll worry incessantly. That’s why there’s no point in posting if it will cause you endless worry and anxiety. On the contrary, if you could say to yourself “you know, I am handsome and I want to show it to the world” – then no problem, go ahead and post it.

    You see what I mean? Post only if you’re confident about yourself, not if your confidence depends on other people’s reactions.

     

    in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #381916
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    when you start analyzing your idea of posting a photo of yourself without glasses, you slip right into obsessive thinking. You want to post it because you think you look better without glasses, but then you immediately come up with various scenarios of how people might react, and how either of your choices (to post or not to post) might backfire. You create a huge mountain of potential problems, which causes you anxiety and wastes your time and energy – your precious time and energy that you could use for something productive. Thinking in this way isn’t helpful – it’s your internal saboteur.

    You asked me if it’s wrong to post a picture of yourself without glasses sometime in the future. As we’ve discussed before, what’s important when you post is your intention. If you intend to attract attention so to receive praise and validation from people – because without it you feel bad about yourself – then it’s not a good intention. Because it comes from your wound, from a place of lack. Or if your intention is to make that girl jealous – it also comes from a wounded place, not from a place of healthy self-esteem.

    The only good motivation to post a photo without glasses, in my opinion, is if you’ve switched to contact lenses, and this is your new look. Otherwise, if you post it just because you think you look better without glasses – but you wear glasses all the time – I don’t see much point. People might ask you “oh have you switched to contact lenses? And then you’d need to answer “no, I just posted it because…”, and you might find yourself in an awkward situation because you probably don’t want to admit publicly that you think you look better without glasses. So it might cause you unnecessary embarrassment, i.e. unwanted attention.

    So whatever you post, ask yourself: what’s my motivation? If it comes from your wound, from needing people’s validation because you feel bad about yourself – don’t post it.

     

    in reply to: How to know if he wants a future with you? #381879
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ashmitha,

    you’re very welcome. I am so glad you’re feeling better, and that your anxiety and second-guessing yourself about the breakup has passed. I love your clarity about what you want from a relationship:

    I know I want a serious relationship that involves effort and genuine interest in me from him, meeting each other’s friends, being public about the relationship on social media and later meeting family. I won’t settle for less than that next time.

    Excellent!

    You’re also clear about your goals, both for your personal growth and professional success:

    I’d like to spend time getting to know myself and healing from my past wounds. I want to find safety and security in myself, rather than others. I want to put my energy into excelling during my Master’s degree and finding a great job next summer when I graduate. I also want to look for a therapist.

    Great goals – all of them!

    You asked about a therapist – I guess a psychotherapist would be most suitable, better than a social worker or a psychologist, because they’re specifically trained to help people heal the emotional wounds. I personally had an integrative psychotherapist, who combined CBT with somatic therapy and inner child work. That ensured that I not only understood mentally what happened, but that I could heal emotionally too.

    It’s great you can share your process with a close friend, who is in a somewhat similar situation, and that you’re doing physical exercise, yoga, etc…

    It seems to me you’re in a good place, Ashmitha, having a positive attitude and clarity about what you want in the future. Just keep focused on your goals, and if you experience doubt, know that it’s normal and a part of the process… And post whenever you feel the need <3

     

    in reply to: Comparison #381864
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Frances,

    I am sorry to hear that you feel you don’t have a life, while your brother seems to have a wonderful life. You feel you have nothing, while he seems to have it all.

    Have you felt similarly in your childhood? Perhaps you felt your brother was getting everything and you nothing?

    in reply to: difficult co-worker and bad evaluation #381861
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Theresa,

    if I am understanding it well, there are several problems that you’re facing at the moment, all related to each other:

    1) you are left out of some projects and activities led by the committees you’re on,

    2) the committee’s chairperson claims that you didn’t do your job properly on a previous project, even though she didn’t even know what your tasks were on that project,

    3) the chairperson has a habit of treating you poorly, accusing you unjustly, talking at you without listening to you, and never apologizing,

    4) you got a bad yearly evaluation, and it was because you didn’t know what would be asked from you. You felt you were at a disadvantage because your co-workers (including the one who treats you poorly) were shown how a project should be monitored, and you weren’t, and this lead to you performing worse at the evaluation.

    5) In the past couple of years, you were afraid to share your ideas, because you were afraid that they weren’t good enough and that you would fail. Now, after receiving bad evaluation, you shared those ideas with your boss, and he was quite pleased. He shows interest in your work and is cordial with you.

    Your biggest fear is that next year you’ll be off the mark again because you won’t know what exactly is wanted from you:

    My biggest fear is that I will proceed next year and find out I was way off in what he wants from me. I have always thought I was doing an ok job with the project. I knew it needed improvement, and I was happy to improve and learn whatever I needed to know.

    As I see it, the common denominator in these problems is that you often don’t know what is expected from you (but you’re afraid to ask?), and the result is that you don’t perform according to expectations. Or you’re afraid to share your ideas, and then your supervisors believe you aren’t pro-active enough.

    It seems like a fear of expressing yourself, and fear of asking for clarification (lack of assertiveness), which then results in misunderstandings and you under-performing. Would that describe what’s going on?

     

    in reply to: Establishing boundaries with my mother #381858
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Namaste87,

    I am sorry that you grew up in a dysfunctional family, witnessing your mother attempting suicide at the tender age of 4, and then being her emotional care-taker, listening to her complaints, trying to console her…

    It seems to me you’ve come a long way in healing yourself and understanding what happened to you, and what you need to do to preserve your mental health and your peace of mind. As you say, the proof of your progress is your decision to have a child, after having resisted it in the past, fearing that you may hurt them. You don’t have those fears and nightmares any more – congratulations on a healing work well done!

    I often find myself exhausted listening to them over and over again . Most of the times I listen to my mother sympathetically, sometimes I urge her to separate from my father if past memories still haunt her and some mornings like today – I remind her that she is repeating the same stories over the years. She is not someone who will go for therapy either.

    You have been listening to your mother’s complaints your whole life, and it drains you emotionally. You cannot help her, because she’s stubborn and sees herself as a victim, and thus, doesn’t want to help herself. I know how it feels, my mother is the same: she feels like a victim, others are to blame, and she doesn’t want to seek counseling.

    You’d need to understand that no matter what you say or do, you can’t help her and cannot make her feel better – because her pain comes from within, from her own wounds, not from the outside. It’s true that your father was abusive, but as you say, your mother could have done something over the years to remove herself from the situation. But she hasn’t, and now they are co-dependent. She is living in the past, recycling the old stories and the old pain – reliving the old trauma – without a desire to heal it. She isn’t taking responsibility for herself and her well-being, but is dumping her problems on to you, robbing you of your energy.

    So first, you’d need to understand you can’t help her because she doesn’t want to help herself. And second, you’d need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to help her. You’d need to allow her to be in her own pain – since that’s something she is consciously choosing.

    You tried giving her advice, you tried helping her financially.. but nothing helps. She says she needs someone to listen to her – well, you listened to her your entire life, and she’s repeating the same old stories, in which she is the victim. There’s no point in listening some more, because it will only make you feel worse: emotionally drained, feeling helpless because you can’t help her and she’s in pain. That’s what makes you feel like crying…

    You’d need to separate yourself emotionally from her and not take on her pain, not feel responsible for her pain. You are allowed to be happy even if your mother is in pain. You can have compassion for her and help her when you see the need, but not allow that she uses you for dumping her emotional “garbage”. That’s how I believe you can create boundaries with her.

    Let me know how this sounds to you…

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
    in reply to: How to know if he wants a future with you? #381846
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ashmitha,

    I am sorry you felt bad after the breakup and started questioning yourself. It was to be somewhat expected because being single triggers your old fear – fear of being alone, without protector, without a safe male companion. This guy seemed safe, and he probably was in the sense that he wouldn’t physically abuse you. He had a very calm demeanor – very different from your father. He would never raise his voice, he would never quarrel with you, he would listen calmly and even acknowledge his mistakes (at least with words). This was very appealing to you because it meant he won’t physically harm you, that you’re safe with him, and that should you marry him, you wouldn’t be in danger of domestic violence.

    So he didn’t abuse you physically, or verbally, and it sounded promising to you. Probably you weren’t even conscious of it, but his calm, peaceful presence was very important to you. So important that it made you believe he was a good, kind man – even though he was emotionally unresponsive and in fact, abusive. A scared child in you cherished his peaceful presence so much that it clouded your judgement…

    Luckily, another part of you (the adult in you) felt that something is off and started questioning his intentions. Little by little, you’ve realized he’s giving you breadcrumbs and this isn’t how a healthy relationship should be.

    I had told him I was starting to resent him for ignoring my needs after I expressed them and he said we should break up if I resented him. It had me questioning if I was in the wrong or he was and I was second-guessing my word choice. Like maybe I was rushing him..He said he was doing it for my own good. I felt that insecure part of me after breakups come back.. I thought I had grown since then.

    So, your adult part told him you’re resenting him for not meeting your needs and that you want more out of the relationship. Your adult part agreed to break up with him, knowing he’s not willing to change and doesn’t want a serious relationship. That’s the rational part. But then your scared inner child started panicking after she realized that from now on, you’ll be without his peaceful presence. The scared child has only one goal in mind: to feel safe, so you started second-guessing yourself and even tried talking to him again, possibly reconsidering your decision.

    The scared inner child is the insecure part that you’re referring to. She wants to feel safe, and feels threatened when alone. That’s why I told you to try to tend to this scared part, which needs to feel physically safe. Try to be a good parent to her, protecting her and telling her she’s safe with you. If you have a doll, you may want to stroke her hair and take her into your arms to protect her.

    You say “I thought I had grown since then“. You grew in understanding, but not necessarily emotionally. The scared inner child is still in you… and needs to be soothed. You need emotional healing, and I hope the inner child work can help you with that.

    As for advice for dating in the future – my advice is to first heal your emotional wounds (primarily the fear of being alone), and only then seek a new relationship. You’ve already started working on your other big fear: fear of confrontation, i.e. of expressing your needs, which was another obstacle in your relationships. You had a break-through in expressing your needs, and I think it was a huge step for you. How do you feel now about expressing your needs? Do you feel you’re stronger and more able to do it in the future as well, or there is still some fear and insecurity around that?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
    in reply to: Pathetic #381842
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hale,

    I am very glad you’re feeling better after anita’s encouraging words: One day I will become that person you smiled upon”- you are already that person, just need to … love her truly, and she will shine, like you want her to.

    You started this thread proclaiming you’re pathetic, and that it feels good to express it. Do you still want to describe yourself as pathetic, or it has shifted somewhat?

    Even though I was criticized as a child and treated harshly I was still loved. I may not have been treated any harsher than my peers but I was very sensitive to every slight. There was a lot of public humiliation as discipline and I’ve began the process of retraining myself.

    Public humiliation is a very hard thing for a child. It really kills our self-esteem. Do you feel like sharing some more about it? How did it happen (was it related to you performing, e.g. playing an instrument?) It could very well be that public humiliation and criticism is what makes you believe you make a horrible first impression and are a “cringe worthy” human being.

    By the way, “pathetic” is what your inner critic says about you (and perhaps what your parents and/or teachers made you believe about yourself). Your inner critic is harassing your inner child, who wants to be loved, be seen and be validated…

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1,471 through 1,485 (of 1,952 total)