Dear Theresa,

if I am understanding it well, there are several problems that you’re facing at the moment, all related to each other:

1) you are left out of some projects and activities led by the committees you’re on,

2) the committee’s chairperson claims that you didn’t do your job properly on a previous project, even though she didn’t even know what your tasks were on that project,

3) the chairperson has a habit of treating you poorly, accusing you unjustly, talking at you without listening to you, and never apologizing,

4) you got a bad yearly evaluation, and it was because you didn’t know what would be asked from you. You felt you were at a disadvantage because your co-workers (including the one who treats you poorly) were shown how a project should be monitored, and you weren’t, and this lead to you performing worse at the evaluation.

5) In the past couple of years, you were afraid to share your ideas, because you were afraid that they weren’t good enough and that you would fail. Now, after receiving bad evaluation, you shared those ideas with your boss, and he was quite pleased. He shows interest in your work and is cordial with you.

Your biggest fear is that next year you’ll be off the mark again because you won’t know what exactly is wanted from you:

My biggest fear is that I will proceed next year and find out I was way off in what he wants from me. I have always thought I was doing an ok job with the project. I knew it needed improvement, and I was happy to improve and learn whatever I needed to know.

As I see it, the common denominator in these problems is that you often don’t know what is expected from you (but you’re afraid to ask?), and the result is that you don’t perform according to expectations. Or you’re afraid to share your ideas, and then your supervisors believe you aren’t pro-active enough.

It seems like a fear of expressing yourself, and fear of asking for clarification (lack of assertiveness), which then results in misunderstandings and you under-performing. Would that describe what’s going on?

Dear Ashmitha,

I am sorry you felt bad after the breakup and started questioning yourself. It was to be somewhat expected because being single triggers your old fear – fear of being alone, without protector, without a safe male companion. This guy seemed safe, and he probably was in the sense that he wouldn’t physically abuse you. He had a very calm demeanor – very different from your father. He would never raise his voice, he would never quarrel with you, he would listen calmly and even acknowledge his mistakes (at least with words). This was very appealing to you because it meant he won’t physically harm you, that you’re safe with him, and that should you marry him, you wouldn’t be in danger of domestic violence.

So he didn’t abuse you physically, or verbally, and it sounded promising to you. Probably you weren’t even conscious of it, but his calm, peaceful presence was very important to you. So important that it made you believe he was a good, kind man – even though he was emotionally unresponsive and in fact, abusive. A scared child in you cherished his peaceful presence so much that it clouded your judgement…

Luckily, another part of you (the adult in you) felt that something is off and started questioning his intentions. Little by little, you’ve realized he’s giving you breadcrumbs and this isn’t how a healthy relationship should be.

I had told him I was starting to resent him for ignoring my needs after I expressed them and he said we should break up if I resented him. It had me questioning if I was in the wrong or he was and I was second-guessing my word choice. Like maybe I was rushing him..He said he was doing it for my own good. I felt that insecure part of me after breakups come back.. I thought I had grown since then.

So, your adult part told him you’re resenting him for not meeting your needs and that you want more out of the relationship. Your adult part agreed to break up with him, knowing he’s not willing to change and doesn’t want a serious relationship. That’s the rational part. But then your scared inner child started panicking after she realized that from now on, you’ll be without his peaceful presence. The scared child has only one goal in mind: to feel safe, so you started second-guessing yourself and even tried talking to him again, possibly reconsidering your decision.

The scared inner child is the insecure part that you’re referring to. She wants to feel safe, and feels threatened when alone. That’s why I told you to try to tend to this scared part, which needs to feel physically safe. Try to be a good parent to her, protecting her and telling her she’s safe with you. If you have a doll, you may want to stroke her hair and take her into your arms to protect her.

You say “I thought I had grown since then“. You grew in understanding, but not necessarily emotionally. The scared inner child is still in you… and needs to be soothed. You need emotional healing, and I hope the inner child work can help you with that.

As for advice for dating in the future – my advice is to first heal your emotional wounds (primarily the fear of being alone), and only then seek a new relationship. You’ve already started working on your other big fear: fear of confrontation, i.e. of expressing your needs, which was another obstacle in your relationships. You had a break-through in expressing your needs, and I think it was a huge step for you. How do you feel now about expressing your needs? Do you feel you’re stronger and more able to do it in the future as well, or there is still some fear and insecurity around that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.

Dear Emma,

I wouldn’t exactly say persuade per se, I would usually ask him if going separate ways is what he wants. And he will reply back with something like “I know it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to let you go”

He would initiate the breakup, and then you would question his decision – you asked him if that’s what he really wanted. A part of him didn’t want it, since there were issues in his relationship, and you provided an escape/relief for him. That’s why he didn’t want to let you go, although he knew he’s hurting his girlfriend. The desire to feel good was stronger, so he chose to stay with you. But it was you who persuaded him, i.e. encouraged him to stay: had you accepted his wish (to do what’s right, as he put it), he would have left, or at least, he wouldn’t have changed his mind so easily.

I do feel anger towards the girlfriend as I feel that she shifted the entire blame onto me. It’s as though she was saying that if I hadn’t listened to him, he would have never cheated on her. But if a man has the intention to cheat, if it wasn’t with me then it would have been with some other victim.

You’re not the only one to blame. It’s easier for them to find a scapegoat in you – like, he is so innocent and you seduced him. That’s obviously not what happened. He is very much responsible too. But it’s true that you wanted the relationship to go on, even when he tried to break up. And I think that’s because you believed he truly loved you, not her.

But on my part, I’ve always told him that if I am not the one he wants to be with or if he is happy in his relationship or he truly does love her… then go and be with her/we should not continue.

I’ve never begged/pleaded him to stay with me or to come back to me either. All I wanted was just the truth.

You didn’t beg him, you wanted him to choose her “if he really loves her”. But since he “didn’t really love her”, in fact he told you he loved you, you believed this was the truth. This “truth” – that he loves you and not her – had a greater importance for you than another truth, which is that he was in a relationship with another woman during the entire time he was with you.

You felt bad being the third party:

I never felt good about being a third party and I would always question if he was truly unhappy with his girlfriend. I did not enjoy being the other woman and did not want to come in between two people who were looking to build a future together.

You felt bad but you didn’t want to let him go, because you believed he loves you and doesn’t love her. And that that’s the only thing that matters – the only relevant “truth”. It blinded you to a bigger picture. Which is that 1) he had a girlfriend, 2) he wanted to break up with you multiple times, and 3) after almost 1,5 years, he was still with his girlfriend, showing no signs of leaving her.

That’s why I said it was infatuation. Definition of infatuation is: “a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something: strong and unreasoning attachment”. It seems to me that your love for him was foolish and obsessively strong, considering that it wasn’t reciprocated properly. But you didn’t want to see that he wasn’t reciprocating and was stringing you along – you only focused on his words: “I love you”.

Our emotions have the power to blind us to a higher truth, or the reality of the situation. You say you genuinely loved him, and I believe you. You developed a strong attachment to him. You might want to consider what was so attractive about him, and what he was giving you, that you were willing to be the second violin for such a long time?

Dear Emma,

I am not judging you – you fell in love with this guy even before you knew he was in a relationship, and when you found out, you were already deep in, and you fell for his story: that he’s unhappy with his girlfriend, that she’s controlling, suffocating him, very jealous, and that he wants out. You didn’t see him as a cheater (even though he was lying to you for the first 3 months of your relationship) but you saw him as a victim: “It reminded me of a toxic relationship I was in during my younger days and I emphatized with his plight“.

You wanted him so badly (“I was too emotionally invested and head over heels in love with him.“), that it blinded you to everything else. Even when he wanted to break up with you, it never really lasted because 1) he would reach out to you and you’d accept him back, and 2) he would “reconsider his decision when we meet up for closure and talk things out”. Which tells me that you might have persuaded him not to leave you? That your “closures” would lead to rekindling the relationship, even though he, at least in theory, wanted to end it?

What makes me say this is that after your last breakup, you couldn’t accept it – you texted him and called him from different phone numbers, and you also turned up at his place and demanded explanations and closure. You didn’t want to let him go, you couldn’t believe that he can simply discard you from one day to the other, “like yesterday’s garbage”.

It seems to me you’ve developed a very strong attachment to him. You desperately wanted to be with him, and it seems like you believed your love (between him and you) was real, while theirs was a fake and a lie. You fought for your “true love” passionately – both when he tried to break up with you in the past, and now, when he did break up for good, as it seems.

Am I seeing this right?

It can very well be that their love still isn’t real and is burdened by many things, and that their new-found happiness is fake. But you would need to understand that what you had wasn’t “true love” either, since he was lying to you, and then both of you were lying to her. When there is dishonesty involved, and it’s going on for quite a long time, it cannot be true love. It was infatuation on your part, and it’s what made you react so strongly and passionately, believing you’ve got the real thing.

What do you think about what I’ve just said? Does it resonate?

Dear Felix,

I am glad you liked the scratching the itch analogy, and that it helped you understand your mind better. Also, that you’ll do some jogging or walking in the near future. Do you have some green areas in the vicinity of your housing complex?

it really has a positive effect on me like from the girl problem i can finally realize that i’ve been so close minded that i only focused on getting her attention without realizing that i’m embarrassing myself, now i’m always looking at something in a bigger picture. .. I finally know that i dont need to get unnecessary attention to be happy.

That’s great, Felix, that you don’t have this craving to impress anyone, including the girl you liked, and that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. That’s truly precious!

But to realized all of this, i’ve to suffer pain… does this world really works this way? Like in order to be a better person we’ve to go through pain and struggles? Does there really a person who become a better person without pain and struggles?

Yes, the world and us people really work like that. We only change when we’re forced to. We only learn on our own mistakes (and sometimes not even then!), and not on other people’s mistakes. Some spiritual traditions call it “the school of hard knocks”. And also, we grow and become better people through pain and struggle. That’s the law of life.

Rare are the people who spontaneously realize that they could improve their character. We’re usually faced with relationship problems, or fears and anxiety, or anger management issues, or the inability to advance in our career because of low self-esteem etc etc – and this forces us to change. There’s always some problem, some obstacle we face, and in order to overcome it, we need to change. That’s life, that’s how growth happens.

i’m hoping that i’m taking the right path in being a better and more mature person as i grow older. Also i hope this right path will save my dignity after all that embarrassment on social media (pls say yes )

You’re becoming more and more self-aware, Felix, and it’s a pleasure to see. You’ve understood some of your childhood programming, and why your self-esteem was so low. You’re now slowly but surely developing self-esteem, learning that you’re worthy, that you don’t need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself. You’re also willing to work on yourself, gain a sense of accomplishment, work toward calming your anxious mind etc. You’re on the right path, Felix, and are getting more mature with every passing day.

We can change – that’s the beauty of being human. You’re changing, you’re becoming more and more of your true self. Just keep going, with lots of patience and compassion for yourself, doing little steps that will make you feel good internally, happy and pleased about yourself, and more and more at peace… As I said, I am rooting for you!

Dear Ashmitha,

I agree with anita – it’s my impression too that this guy is manipulating you consciously. If he really wanted it to work, he would introduce you to his family, even if it’s a “big thing” to be introduced. After all, you’ve been dating for more than a year, he says he means it seriously, he’s telling you things like “when we get married, when he have children…”,  so what’s the problem? The only explanation is that he’s lying that he means it seriously.

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion….

Now I see it’s his strategy – he is so “kind” and “understanding” that he “encourages” you to voice your opinion. He’s not some rude guy who tells you to shut up or gets angry and quarrels with you. No, he allows you to express your concerns, listens to you calmly, tells you “it’s a good question” – and this probably makes you feel heard and understood. But in reality, it has no value, since he doesn’t change his behavior, it all stays the same. So your opinion is heard but disregarded. And he probably uses it as a manipulation strategy, because someone who is emotionally immature wouldn’t be so smooth like him. Would be much less refined than him. Unfortunately, this guy sounds like a “smooth operator”, and yeah, a wolf in sheep’s clothing…

Dear Ashmitha,

it’s good that you talked with him again and expressed your needs, and also asked questions to understand him better. That’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship, and you did it well on your part.

He said “he likes you a lot and wants to make it work”. Well, what’s certain is that he likes to have sex with you and he likes your physical appearance, but other than that, he doesn’t show he likes you very much: he never talks with you on the phone, he doesn’t inquire about you during the day, he hardly replies to your texts, he hides you from his friends and family, he never spends weekends with you, and he stood you up multiple times when you had a date planned.

He only shows affection once a week – that’s when he treats you nicely, does some sweet talk, makes promises about the future, and then, he practically forgets about you…

You say you don’t think he’s stringing you along – maybe, but then he doesn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship looks like. And also, he can be caring and responsive to his friends and family – why can’t he be towards you? He doesn’t seem like some immature boy with no emotional intelligence – you said he’s quite caring with his family. But he doesn’t extend that caring to you. And it seems he doesn’t want to either – he doesn’t seem he really wants to change. Perhaps he really believes this is how the intimate relationship should be – be physically intimate, but emotionally not?

It’s good that you’re seeing it clearly that what you have isn’t a healthy relationship:

I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

 

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

He knows you as someone who is “low maintenance”, who never or rarely complains, who is easy going… and now that you’re voicing your concerns more openly, insisting on certain things, he’s probably taken aback. He can’t get away with his sweet talk and excuses so easily any more. So maybe he got a little afraid of you, he is on unknown territory, and that’s why you feel like he’s walking on eggshells?

I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.

It seems to me that he wants “this” what you have now to continue. He wants to keep the status quo, keep feeding you the lie that he cares about you, while in reality showing very little care and respect for you. Whether he’s doing it unintentionally (not knowing better), or intentionally (just using you for fun), is beside the point, since he doesn’t really want to change. The question is whether you want “this”, or you want something else?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I hear you, I understand your fear of being alone – not just because of “what the people will say”, but also because of your childhood experience. In your past relationships you went in and out somewhat unaware, driven by your unconscious fears. You needed someone to be there for you and protect you, that’s why you couldn’t stay single for too long. But also you didn’t want confrontation, so you escaped as soon as there was a problem, without talking it through with your partner.

This was your pattern in the past. But now you’re more aware of those fears, you’re also more aware of your true needs and that it’s legitimate to have them. So there’s a much bigger chance that now, you won’t go blindly into a relationship, and that you won’t escape as easily either. There’s a greater chance that you go into a relationship with self-awareness, with knowing what you want and need, and being willing to communicate openly and honestly.

You’ve been doing the communication part already, which is great, and it seems to me you’re ready for a new level of relationship. If your current boyfriend isn’t willing to follow you there, isn’t willing to change, there really is no need to keep yourself stuck with him. Rather, know that you deserve better and are ready for better, and work on your fears of being alone. Soothe and comfort your inner child, tell her you’ll be there for her and will never abandon her.

Fear is the main reason that keeps you stuck in this relationship. If you can work on it and process it, you’ll be free for so much more. And trust me, a better, healthier relationship is awaiting somewhere down the line!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.