Thank you both for your responses.

I’m very vigilant about how much I say about how I feel, because I’m afraid of bringing people down or appearing needy – in my case the need for absolution, which I logically recognize is based on some irrational guilt and shame, but the pain body won’t let it go. (I’m working on it).

I think your distinction between the two forms of speech helps me better understand what Tolle describes as the difference between “speaking out” and “complaining”.

“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always non-acceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the
situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

How would you characterize “speaking out”? Do you have any examples?

@@Jasmine-3 So true. Life is too short and I have been given another chance. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone on purpose. That was never my intention. I will not give up.

“Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,..”

Thank you both Jasmine and Will.

“Daily selfless service and sharing of knowledge” I agree are key. I always feel so much better when I’ve been able to help someone by doing something for them or helping them learn something new. My negative mind criticizes me for “desperately feeling like being needed”, but it feels so good to have been able to help someone. I do sometimes need to temper that “selfless service” by taking time for myself and temper the “sharing of knowledge” so as not overwhelm or become arrogant. The middle path is hard to find.

@@Jasmine-3 Would you be able to share your story on how you found your teacher?

Thank you both Matt and Jasmine for your kind response.

I will continue practicing metta meditation, act with more positivity, gentleness, and kindness towards myself and others, and stop the monkey mind in its tracks. It’s never too late to try again.

@@Jasmine-3 I’m grateful that you touched upon the fact that forgiving and letting go are two different things. Yes, I’m still holding on to so much negativity. There is so much buried in my subsconscious, I have no idea how to get it out or let go. At any given moment, I am replaying events in my mind over and over and over again and constantly checking, “Is the pain still there?”. Or sometimes, the question comes up, “What does this [sound, sight, smell, touch] remind you of?” and the mind automatically plays a recording of a sad or unpleasant memory. I sometimes wonder how I even function in society when my mind is constantly looping these tapes. No part of life is left untainted by an unpleasant thought or memory. There’s associations being made and reinforced all the time. It’s exhausting and it does very much feel like I’m really trying to hold onto the negativity. If the negativity goes away, what’s left? A colleague once described this phenomenon a me clutching onto a barred window, desperately looking through, wanting to escape and not being able to realize that I’m not in a prison cell at all and that there are no walls behind me. If only I’d let go of the bars…sounds like bliss. And yet, here I am still clutching.

I agree. I don’t know where these feelings of shame come from, but they’re paralyzing and then spiral out of control as the problems get worse and worse and worse.

This book has really helped me better understand my shame triggers and the reactions that I have: http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352

@@Jasmine-3 If you have any more tips, please do send them.

Thank you both for all your kind words and insights. I’ll try and take them to heart.

Funny enough, I also tell myself not to feel positive emotions. When I’ve done something wrong or feel ashamed of, it’s hard for me to feel good about anything because I feel like I don’t deserve to. “Somewhere, out there, someone is suffering because of something you did or didn’t do and here you are laughing and having fun! No! That’s very mean and insensitive. You have not payed enough for your sin and need a little bit more punishment.”

Wow, just writing that makes me realize how sick and twisted that logic is. Where the hell does this come from?

I’ll hide negative feelings and needs because I don’t want to be perceived as childish, needy, foolish, weak, overly sensitive, superficial, stupid, cowardly, selfish, disorganized, unmanly, or dependent. These are my biggest shame triggers and once they’re triggered, BAM! I recede and isolate and the barrage of slings and arrows of my mind begins anew.

As much as I really don’t want to be, I think I’m also very judgmental and critical of other people. They’re horrible superficial judgements that prevent me from really connecting with people in the kind of way that I would like – real meaningful, long lasting friendships, interdependent support, and unconditional love.

Jealousy is perhaps my biggest vice, especially when I’m feeling down – everyone is a better friend, a better partner, a better employee, a better sibling, a better citizen, a better conversationalist, a better [insert any aspect of life here]. I try to accept everyone for who they are, admire them, love them, learn from them, and constantly tell myself to do so, but I think I sometimes harbor resentment towards them as well. “How the hell do they do it? What am I doing that they’re not? How can I be more like them?”

I think I’m a bit of a perfectionist, which prevents me from starting and finishing things and perhaps ending relationships and projects prematurely because I feel they’re too hard – I panic, I get anxious, I get bored, I don’t think straight, I get impulsive, I lose my filter and I fall into a shame spiral that’s really hard to come out of. Most recently, the anxiety and depression were so deep, I lost sight of all the beauty of the world around me, including my girlfriend at the time.

I say I’m a learner and that I learn from my mistakes, but I don’t think I really am. I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again using the only pattern of behaviour and reaction I know. A mental delete button would be the greatest thing in the world! Then I wouldn’t have to walk up and down these streets reliving every single experience I’ve ever had wasting so much mental energy thinking and remembering.

My parents growing up were always so proud of me when I was the best and I wanted to be the best at what I do. Life many times over is showing me that I’m not actually as smart as I think I am nor am I as good as a person as I want to be. If I’m learning anything, it’s that I need to show more and more humility to the world.

Somethings gotta change, but I’m not sure how to bring about that change. Do I need to move to another city? Get new friends? Get a new job? Find a new calling or purpose in life? Get a new hobby? All of these things seem external to me and I keep reading that happiness comes from within. I just need to find it.

I will continue to meditate, open my heart to the world, wishing us all the happiness, health, and inner peace we all deserve.

Peace Jasime and Jane! You are AWESOMEEE TOO! 🙂