Everyone wants to feel acknowledged, seen and heard. That’s why, even though others might not acknowledge your pain, you can always acknowledge and accept it yourself. It really does give an instant relief.

Great that you found the audio! I have the audio book myself and have listened to it a couple of times. Actually, just listening to it helps as well, because it feels like someone understands the effects of self-esteem so well and things start to make more sense. Again, it’s acknowledging the pain and being understanding about it that gives the soothing feeling.

I hope you’ll get something out of it!

Hello Brian,

I responded and my whole post disappeared. What I tried to post was to ask whether you’ve tried tapping therapy called EFT? I’ve been told it can be effective in managing the episodes of anxiety. If you google “ptsd tapping”, you’ll find articles and instructional videos on YouTube.

I think it’s worth to at least try different methods and stick with the ones that help you personally.

My advice to you is: think less, do more. You know the saying about idle hands? It’s kind of true! A person who is focusing on doing something can not focus on how empty their life is. Even meditation is “doing” something.

If you want to write, start writing. Write as much as you can and don’t concern yourself with whether or not what you produce is top notch. It would be very unlikely that you’d just decide to become a writer one day and then immediately produce a masterpiece. You need to create and destroy over and over again to get to where you want to be. If it brings you joy, just do it! It could also be that being a writer is not what you actually want, but you love literature. Then start a blog where you review books you’ve read and write about what kind of thoughts and feelings were raised by them.

Suffering doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just is. It is a fact of life. Some people will have to go through a lot. Ironically, you are causing suffering to yourself by comparing your life to another person’s life. We’re not in a competition of who’s suffering the most 😉 Just because you haven’t been abused doesn’t mean that you are spoiled. People also have to go through a lot of suffering in ways that nobody else will ever understand. People generally give compassion under particular circumstances, but if you’re seemingly well-off, you’re not allowed to complain. Their suffering doesn’t matter to the society, and as such it creates a different kind of painful experience to that person.

The thing is, people get hurt and heal constantly. It’s not just particularly traumatic situations that cause wounds. Just by smiling and being a kind person to others, you might heal wounds without even knowing it. Acknowledge people and their presence and they will feel better.

I think that your purpose will become clearer by actively doing all kinds of things and sensing how you feel about doing them. If it feels off, don’t do it. If it feels right, do that!

…and how’s this for a thought: I haven’t been to TinyBuddha for a long time. Today I decided to look what’s going on here. I came across your post and decided to get active again. We’re not always aware of the impact we have on others, so perhaps you are constantly fulfilling your purpose and you don’t even know it?

I liked “Tao of Dating” and “Get the Guy” as dating books. They’re genuinely interesting books, even if you’re not “on the prowl” 🙂

I’ve understood that basically, as a woman, it should be enough that you have eye contact and smile. After that, you’re set. If you wave at them a bit, then they have no choice but to come and talk to you 🙂 Someone signals that they want to talk to you, then you have to go and ask what they want. Basic human nature. Bold, but pretty fool proof 🙂

I personally tend to just start talking with people, because I’m just genuinely interested in people. Plus I find myself in new adventures when I just randomly start to get to know people in different places 🙂 I approach people with “detached interest”. I show interest in having a conversation, but don’t force it. Or I show interest in that person, but not out of desperation or neediness. People usually like that. I like that when someone does that to me. It’s fun to start talking with a totally new person who’s not after something. Almost always those conversations start with an observation of some sort about something. So it’s not really “Hello, how are you doing?” Of course, if the person isn’t anywhere near you, then you are going to have to walk over to them and say something, and that’s kind of tough. That is a direct way of approaching and is kind of intimidating to everyone involved 🙂 Unless you do the signalling first and “force” them to come to you 🙂

You should’ve said to him “Mind the gap!” 🙂

I find being hit on really annoying regardless of who is doing it. Flirting I like, very much so. But the sort of flirting that does not attempt to lead the situation anywhere. I hate that part, the manipulation. I like to be given a choice, and I would rather choose someone who was fun and flirty, but not manipulative.

You don’t have to gather pressure. Right now you are going into war with yourself. But what if you took a passive approach and just sat and waited until the moment would pass? Just allowing those thoughts to come and go without grabbing onto them and starting to create pressure. There is no pressure unless you fight back. Don’t fight it, but don’t listen to those thoughts either.

If someone yells at you and you start to yell back, then there is a conflict and you’ll feel the pressure. But if someone yells at you and you refuse to respond to it in any way, there will be no conflict and the other party that is yelling will eventually stop, because they’re not gaining any control over you. You’ll just let the whole thing pass without adding resistance. Does that make sense?

In that case, it’s really not even just about the issue of checking out his FB page, but to really gain some control over your own mind. To stop listening to the side of you that tells you to act in irrational ways that only end up hurting you, and to start giving more power to the side of you that understands what is truly best for you. It takes some time and effort, but if you can manage to do that, then it not only helps you with this situation, but in life in general. Instead of the chaos of the mind, you could have peace and serenity and control over your own life.

When your mind tells you to do things you know you shouldn’t, just take a moment before you start reacting to it and start making decisions based on your fleeting emotions. Instead of reacting, take a moment to observe the thoughts and feelings that come to you and urge you to do something right now. Consciously try to be more patient and just allow those thoughts and feelings to come and go. This is a good time to practice, as whether or not you end up deciding to look at his FB page isn’t really a matter of life and death. So there is really no real pressure. You can even make a game out of it. Notice when you start to tell yourself to do these things. Is the feeling different from how you are usually feeling? Why would such a demand pop up in your head? Are you feeling scared and this is the response to such a feeling? Then perhaps think for a while how you could soothe your fear without taking such action as going straight to Facebook.

The more you patiently allow those “urgent demands” to come and go and you notice that you actually have some power over your own mind, the easier it becomes. If you fail, then just get back on the horse and try again. Seek healthier ways to take care of yourself than to instantly react to all fleeting emotions. Learning this is incredibly beneficial to you in life in general, so perhaps this painful break-up can work as a catalyst for you to learn a very helpful skill.

Thank you for your post, Terry, as it gave me a nudge in an unsuspected way. But that’s another story, so back to yours…

The flaw in your thinking is that if you graduate from something, you are going to have to do that for the rest of your life. As if your faith would be sealed. It’s not. You don’t have to be a dentist for the rest of your life and abandon all else. Who is to say that you wouldn’t create a hugely popular dentistry app in the future? Gathering knowledge is great and it’s never wasted. Also, you’ll better start preparing yourself for the fact that you can’t optimize life 😉 Stuff is going to happen that will completely change your plans anyway.

Also, is working for someone else one of the dreams that you have? Who’s stopping you from pursuing the life of an entrepreneur or freelancer? You will need a formal education to have a private practice in dentistry, but absolutely nobody is going to ask for a computer science degree in web or app design. Those are new technologies and require practical knowledge. Computer science is mostly about the theoretical science. Web technologies weren’t even part of our curriculum when I studied computer science, let alone something like Objective-C. I’m not saying that you wouldn’t learn anything in CS, but it’s just not one of the most practical degrees.

If I were you, I’d continue with the dentistry and have a degree that I could always fall back on, and continue studying programming related things on my spare time, and see if I could combine those two. But that’s just me and I’m not you 🙂