I wouldn’t call it stupid, but probably insecure. Maybe just pay attention to her actions because those always speak louder than words. If she is taking the time to organize a trip for both of you and asking you how you are, which shows you that she cares, she probably has greater feelings for you than you know and it’s just probably your mind playing tricks on you.  Just pay attention to all of the little things she does. That’s what will show you how she feels.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Valora.

Brandy, I love what you pointed out from Brav3’s posts:

 During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

I’ve had a similar transformation myself and feel stronger, better, and more “myself” than I ever have in my life, and that has brought so much value with it. I think that’s the whole point of going through experiences like this, and if you don’t learn that lesson, these or similar experiences repeat until you do.  It’s certainly given me a lot of peace when I felt so devastated for much of the year. (My breakup happened at the end of October last year, and I felt a similar connection with my ex that John does with his)

How can someone show so much love to someone, then just forget it all.  Kind of like one of his posts talked about him seeing her laughing having a good time, and not even showing any signs of grief or anything.

It’s just because that’s how she was really feeling at the time that she said those things to you. But the problem with feelings is sometimes they change, and meanwhile the other person is usually expecting them not to. That expectation makes it hard for you to understand when they change, even though, as you’ve seen from other posts, it happens quite a lot.

 This is so freaking difficult to understand everything.  and i am the type of person that I have to be able to understand to be at rest.

This might be another lesson that this is trying to teach you. I used to be this way too. I was NOT happy unless I understood why things happened.  I felt like I neeeeeded to know… but through my experience, I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to move on without being able to truly understand. There are some things you are just not ever going to have the answers to and we all need to be able to accept that. So one of the things you might need to learn from this experience is to be able to accept things that you don’t understand and be at rest whether you know why they happened or not. That’s part of letting things go.

 It feels like all we both want is time together, but when we do get that.  We are fighting by the end of the day.  What’s really screwed up is that when we fight, i get depressed and pissed off at myself.  I think, ” Why couldn’t I have stood up for myself like this with my ex?  Why couldn’t of I spoke my mind like this?”  With my ex, i was so afraid to say or do anything to upset her or make waves.  I wish I would have.  I feel like I cheated myself out of being able to say to her what I needed to when i needed to.  What i should have said, instead of harboring everything trying to protect her.

You know… maybe the fact that you were afraid to stand up for yourself with your ex means that she really wasn’t the right one for you. There had to have been a level of discomfort there or you would’ve felt more comfortable with being open… and the fact that you’re able to do that with your current girlfriend could either mean you feel comfort with her in a way that you didn’t with your ex… or maybe you just don’t care whether you lose her or not. Only you can know the answer to that.

Wow!  I never realized that until i just typed it.  I really need to talk to her and tell her that.  No wonder we get in fights.  I think when that happens i finally feel like i’m going to get a break, and i don’t.  Then i get pissed, especially if she gets upset about anything.  Like “How dare you get upset, when i’ve done nothing but take care of your kids all week after week after week.”.

This is a really good realization and I agree that it’d be good to talk to your girlfriend about. I’m sure it’d help her to understand why you get upset and maybe there will be less fights with this understanding.

 I hate saying this, but I need to be happy and if I’m not happy then how can we be happy??  DAMN!  I wonder if this is how my ex felt?  But she just never expressed it to me and was just finished with it all one day?

This is entirely possible. And if your ex wasn’t happy with herself back then and needed something to change, that could be the reason things worked out the way they did.

my old friends were always jealous of me rather than supportive, jealous of my art, my makeup line, the clothes i made, and whenever I couldn’t make plans with them because i had to study for a test they would start arguments. I think you’re right, i need yo learn to be happy by myself and that a vibe of lack creates more lack, i just dont know how to do that will i will read the blog you mentioned and start reading books again. Thank you so much

Yep, I definitely don’t blame you at all for losing them, then.  Those kind of people tend to be toxic and that’s the last thing anyone needs.

I would honestly just start with reading helpful blogs and books. Do a Google search for anything you don’t know how to do and just start reading.  At the beginning of the year, I was trying hard to get over a really devastating breakup and figured out that I had attachment issues and really needed to learn to let go of people, things, and any need for control, so I literally Googled “how to let go”  and “how to not need closure” and “how to not need control” and just read blog after blog until it started to click in my head and I was able to figure out the things that worked for me to be able to achieve what I wanted to with that.  It’s okay that you feel lost and confused right now, but just reading advice on how to solve the problems that you’re feeling will eventually help a ton with your confusion and help to get you back on the path that you want to be on. Maybe start with Googling “How to be happy with my own company” and just start reading some of the things that pop up. Eventually you’ll find something that speaks to you.

Those posts that Brandy and “X” shared really is great advice, especially that last one there at the top.

John, have you thought about doing counseling again? Maybe with a different counselor than you tried last time? I can’t remember if you said you were going again or not. You are definitely still ruminating on her almost daily, it seems, and you’re also still telling yourself things are hard that are really only hard because you keep telling yourself is hard… and I can say that because I’ve been through it too. My ex just contacted me randomly on Thanksgiving to say Happy Thanksgiving and that he thought of me. He didn’t even tell me Happy Birthday earlier this year. haha. I could’ve started overthinking/analyzing and let that put me into a spiral of “why did he bother contacting me? what is he thinking? blah blah,” but you just kind of have to not let yourself read into things like that because it really doesn’t matter if it’s not an “I miss you and want to talk about getting back together.”

Definitely DON’T contact her at all until you are completely over things. Otherwise, you really are likely to set yourself back, just like you said. It’s really important to keep resetting your focus on your current life at the moment, which she is not a part of. You will hurt a lot less when you do that, so you just have to make the decision to do it and be strong and determined about it.  I thought the month of October was going to be rougher than normal because that was the 1-year anniversary of when we broke up, but, thankfully, I made the decision early on in the month to just let go and focus on the now, and the whole rest of the month went really smoothly. Your holidays can go smoothly too, but you have to make the decision and then be strong about sticking to it.

Insecurity is definitely unattractive, but, to be fair, your girlfriend has good reason to be insecure in your relationship. You have been putting another girl ahead of her in your mind for most of the time you’ve been together, right? And I’m pretty sure she knows that if your ex came back, you’d drop her and go back to the ex. That’s definitely enough to make anyone insecure. It’s good you can see how your insecurity might’ve affected your relationship with your ex though, too, so you can at least take that lesson from it.

Am I making the right decision?  Do I still keep him there when I need someone to talk to? Or do I force myself to let go fully?

If I were you, I would not force yourself to really do anything and just let things flow and let time take it’s course and see what happens. From what it sounds like, you’ve already made the decision to stay with your boyfriend, so do that, but also respect his wishes by not being the one to contact your ex. If your ex writes or something just to say hi, I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with a short conversation to catch up, but definitely not a good idea to hang out with him in person or anything while you’re in a relationship. You don’t really have to make any other decisions about your ex right now other than to just leave him in the back of your mind for now while time takes it’s course. This is all still fresh for you, so that’s probably why the feelings feel so strong, but as the excited state dies down a little, things should become clearer for you.  You could always meditate on it, too. It doesn’t seem like sitting and doing and thinking nothing would help, but oddly, it does. haha. A clear, focused mind is much easier to work with than a cluttered one.

 It’s really not fair that he hurt me, left me, then stayed with her, and she has no idea what he’s been doing.

I agree with Michelle, especially given the line above. It actually IS fair, because you said yourself you knew what you were getting into. This is what happens when you knowingly get involved with someone who is already with someone else.