Andrea,

I think it is an entirely personal decision, and I’ve done both ways depending on my situation. So, I’m not pro-meds and I’m not anti-meds. Based on what you are saying, I think you are fine without them. I’m no expert obviously, but I think you need to trust yourself here. You are in therapy; you are talking to someone about all the stuff going on; you are facing the broad array of (painful) emotions. And most days, you are managing to breathe through it. At this early stage in your grieving, I’d say that you are doing darn good with all you are facing. And I think the most important thing that you said, was that you are coping okay and moving forward.

I also think you have the right attitude about that Sunday where you could not get off the couch. I think those days are inevitable and it does not mean that you need medication. Don’t beat yourself up about those days, allow yourself to wallow when you need to, and then eventually crawl off the couch and stand up when you can.

When you might need to consider the meds more seriously: if those days become the norm and there is no sign of them tapering, if you stop seeing any forward progress emotionally, if you stop being able to feel anything at all, if you are regularly turning to alcohol or drugs or something dangerous to numb, if you’re suicidal or physically harming yourself, you see only a downward spiral and no light at the end…

To me, it sounds like you are at a really low point in your life (which is okay! we all end up there occasionally!), but you see light in the distance. And you’re plodding along on the right route to get there.

I think you should trust yourself in this situation. If you feel meds aren’t necessary (and you aren’t in a suicidal situation), do what you feel is best at this point in your life. It sounds like you are doing everything right.

With all sincerity, I wish you the best with everything.

“When we act wishy washy, it leads to wishy washy results.” Matt– SO TRUE!!

This situation has been going on for two years. What you need to decide is whether you are okay with continuing the status quo. If you are okay with maintaining the status quo, by all means, keep doing what you are doing. If you are not okay with it, then you need to do something different. You can’t control what outcome will occur, what his response will be, whether he’ll love it or regret it someday, nothing. But YOU can decide whether you want to continue as things are right now or not. Act accordingly.

Thich Nhant Hanh (an amazing Buddhist monk) wrote a book called Living Buddha, Living Christ. It is on my “need to read” list, so I can’t personally vouch for it. But, I love everything TNH has written so I figure it’s amazing. While TNH is devoutly Buddhist, I have seen talks he has given about how Jesus is one of his greatest teachers and inspirations. On his alter that he uses every day, he has a statue of Buddha and an image of Jesus because he so highly respects the teachings. Obviously, two very religions, but I think you might find some relief in seeing how both hold similar values sacred. And that one does not necessarily negate the other.

Hi Mallika,

I kind of went a different direction than you. I’m an introvert who tried the party scene. It’s… eh. I’m not easily peer pressured, but I had my stack of issues that I wanted to avoid. That’s not to say I didn’t have any fun during that time, but it really is a numbing agent for a lot of people (me included). It can take a few years to realize that though.

You are in an interesting position because you know you aren’t interested in that scene. So, I have a few thoughts about that. One, right on for knowing what you like and what isn’t worth it to you. Two, I agree with John that you would probably benefit from broadening your social circle. Yoga classes? Meditation groups? Book clubs? There are plenty. Try meetup.com if you don’t know how to find people with similar interests. Three, if you are afraid you are missing out on life, broaden those interests. Push yourself to try things you haven’t really considered. Ever tried rock climbing? There are rock gyms in many cities. How about kayaking? White water? Toast masters? Improv group? There are many things you can do to push your self-imposed boundaries, feel that thrill and excitement, without the alcohol. I rock climb and kayak. I have met great, chill people with similar interests and both are FAR more exciting than my alcohol/drug days.

And my fourth point is a warning to you. They might be calling you a bore because they feel judged by you. You labeled yourself as the “mature” advice giver, warning others not to be reckless. While I don’t necessarily recommend the party scene, it is a phase that a lot people need to experience and go through. It is part of their path. They are figuring out who they are, just like everyone else. They are stumbling and making mistakes, and that’s okay. You don’t have to walk their path with them, but I think that if they are your friends, you should respect their chosen path. You don’t have to agree, but don’t judge either.

As you and your friends go through stages in life, your friendships may shift and change too. Some friends are meant to be in your life for a short while, some stay for life. My best friend since childhood is still my best friend (now in our 30s). But our friendship has morphed over time and continues to change. She went through a heavy partying stage and was much more into the drug scene than I could handle. I backed away from our friendship for a while, and once that phase subsided, we found our way back to each other. Sometimes we are inseparable. Sometimes, we are living on separate continents. I don’t like every choice she makes and I’m sure she’s questioned a few of my choices in life too. But I respect her as a person and know the value of screwing up. She is also one of the only people in my life who I know accepts and loves me no matter how badly I screw up. I can tell her anything without worrying about her judging me or defriending me. Believe me, we have tested that throughout the years of our bad decisions. And there are few things more beautiful or wonderful than knowing you have someone’s unconditional love. And knowing that you love someone unconditionally.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Lindsay.

That’s a lot crashing down on you at once. And I think it is totally okay (and even healthy) to acknowledge that you are sad and struggling. Things are going to be rough for a little while. But you do have some serious potential for greatness right now.

First, I’m sorry about your mom.

Second, I’m sure you loved your wife and were really looking forward to moving abroad with her and have a new adventure. And I’m sure you miss her and are confused and hurt by her disappearing act. But her disappearance is entirely about her, not about you and not about your relationship. She hasn’t been honest with you about her feelings, her life, who she is, or what she wants from a relationship or life. Unless she was in serious physical danger from you (which I’m doubting), leaving you without warning indicates a high level of deception on her part. And now you have the chance to find someone who is open and welcoming, can trust and be trusted, can be vulnerable with you and can embrace your vulnerabilities. It may take a while to get back on your feet… in the mean time, be gentle with yourself. Experience the full range of emotions. And take this time to reconnect with yourself. Once you do, in time, I think you’ll find someone that you didn’t think was possible.

Also take this time to think about whether you loved your job. If so, awesome! That will shine through in your interviews. If not, accept that you might need to take a “bridge job” to pay the bills while you pursue something you love. If you don’t have any clue what that is, try some new things!

Sorry if this sounds like a lame pep talk. I’m not trying to give you the “buck up” speech. I just really think that you have been deceived and you have been accepting a crappy situation for a long time. So long, in fact, that you might not even see how bad the relationship was. And that you may have no idea what possibilities are out there for your future. It’ll take time to muddle through. But I really think you’ll end up much better off than you thought possible. Good luck.

My vote is definitely for WISE. I get that you are feeling this “what if” pang of fear and regret. I do that too. But it’s all fantasy, make believe. In reality, you didn’t trust him. You saw red flags everywhere you turned and you were smart enough to listen. Perhaps it is different with the new girlfriend, or maybe she just isn’t smart enough to listen to the red flags that keep cropping up, or maybe she romanticizes relationships like he does so they are playing the same little game, who knows.

You sensed something was off. You listened to your intuition. I say well done! There is someone out there who will love and appreciate the real you and will take the time to get to know you and gain each others trust.

Being happy is a choice, but perhaps not in the way that you think. When a person is happy, they can still feel a full range of emotion. But it also means that you actively recognize the parts of your life that are holding you back, and you make choices to eliminate those parts.

I understand that you cannot get out of your lease. But you can make decisions to stop torturing yourself. One option is to try to find someone to sublease. Or to stay periodically with friends or family just to get time away from your ex, since that can be a stressful situation. If it’s a one bedroom and simply not an option to sublease, then you can accept that you two are broken up. You say that you don’t know if he wants to be with you… YES, you do know. You just don’t like the answer. He does not want to be in a relationship; he likes being single. You broke up. So stop acting like a couple! Stop the cuddling, stop the kissing, stop the handholding. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, then don’t be in a relationship with him! This is part of being happy: making hard decisions that are aligned with the present and future that you want and deserve. I’m pretty sure that being strung along by a wishy washy ex does not align with those visions. Perpetuating it is self-torture.

Health issues may be beyond your control or finances. But you can still be mentally at peace with your life, which is what happiness is. Plenty of people are terminally ill and in pain, yet are happy. Practice meditation, practice self-love and loving kindness, do walking meditation, join groups on meetup to help (and to simply get out of your house).

The job market sucks right now. You are lucky that you have some support from unemployment, but I do understand that it is not enough to cover bills. Once your lease is up, you may need to drastically downsize. Get a studio, get roommates, move to another part of town that is cheaper, etc. Keep applying — frustrating I have no doubt, but it’s not just you going through this bad market. It’s no reflection of you, even if it feels like it sometimes.

I’m not trying to be hard on you. I do get what a crappy position you are in right now. And I spent many many years “wanting” to be happy, without ever actually being happy. When you said you want to be happy and “feel like you never have been,” that struck a chord with me. That was me for MOST of my life. It basically comes down to a lack of self-awareness and a lack of understanding your self-worth. Happiness isn’t an absence of negative feelings. It is a contentment with yourself; it is a fundamental appreciation of who you are, what you deserve, what you give to the world, and what you have control over (which isn’t much). You will never be happy until you figure these things out. And you will never make decisions that are aligned with these values (and with happiness) until you figure these things out.

Therapy is obviously the best option, which I understand you probably can’t afford right now. But it’s not your only option and it’s not a miracle worker either. You have to do hard work in therapy. You can do that hard work on your own. Some books to consider reading: Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Lindsay.