Hi Ann – Marie,

All of what you experience are symptoms of social anxiety, introvertedness, shyness, etc as you have already pointed out.

To answer your question no you are not the only person in the world and I am too with you along with a very large number of people in similar situations.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all in enjoying all by yourself. As long as you are at peace with yourself nothing else matters. Yes the Divine has wired within us the innate need for companionship. For that I will suggest you to try the concept of Penpals (penfriend) where you can find like minded people anywhere in the world, no fear of social interactions, write or respond if and whenever you want to and they are unlike any social media websites.

Although I haven’t used these sites but the two of them I know are –

• http://www.penpalworld.com/

They claim to be the Fastest and Most Secured Pen Pal Site in the World. PenPal World features over 2000000 pen          pals from every country all over the world.

• https://www.interpals.net/

They claim to be the largest and most popular free pen pal site on the web

• And also check out the list “27 Unbeatable Pen Pals Sites: Find the Penpal Arrangement That Works For You”

http://tomakefriends.com/pen-pal/

Take care,

VJ

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by VJ.

Hi Abhi09,

This is the nature of life. There is a period of Crest (when you are at your best, resting period, relaxation, everything goes fine) then a Trough (more work, low performance, improper health, relationship issues, all the lows of life, stress, chaos, tensions in life) and this cycle continues. We need to ride this wave and be in the flow of life, but without getting impacted by the ride by simply going with the flow of what happens.

There was less work, you didn’t pay much attention and enjoyed that time period. Now, more work is coming. Embrace that too and work with it and not against it. There is nothing wrong in what you are experiencing.

“The path of life passes through valleys to reach to the peaks, and each peak is just a beginning of a new pilgrimage because a higher peak is ahead of you. But to reach to the higher peak, you will have to go down again. Once you have understood that it is natural, all your misery, all your clouds will simply disperse.

You have been doing perfectly well. So the first thing to be remembered is: Never be worried when days of down-going come; keep your eyes always on the faraway stars. Those valleys are parts of the mountains. You cannot take the valleys away and leave the mountains alone. Once this sinks deep into you, you will pass through the valleys dancing and singing, knowing perfectly well that a higher peak is waiting for you. And there is no end to this pilgrimage. Just as every day is followed by night, every height is followed by a down-going.

One has to learn not only to rejoice in the day but to rejoice in the night too — it has its own beauty. The peaks have their glory, the valleys have their richness. But if you become addicted to the peaks only, you have started choosing, and anything that you start choosing will get you into trouble. Remain choiceless, and whatever comes, enjoy it as a part of natural growth.

The night may become even darker, but the darker the night becomes, the closer is the dawn. So rejoice in the darkening night, and learn to see the beauty of darkness, of the stars, because in the day you will not find those stars. And never compare what has been, and what should be, and what is. “ ~Osho

What is it that you are finding as challenging? Is it any particular software technology? Is it understanding the requirements, is it writing emails or what else? How could you use this opportunity to strive yourself in improving and overcoming this issue? Is there something that you learn and practice more?

Like you I am in the field of software too. Spirituality has helped me understand that impermanence is the law of life. Nothing is permanent. Even the task requirements. When this happens in my work I accept it gracefully and give my 100% percent to whatever that has changed. Now I design the software in such a flexible way that if any change comes in the future it is easy to accommodate that change. Accepting the imperfections of life makes it easy to live it.

See to it, if it is truly the job that is causing you to think to move out of it. You can ask yourself this question – What if I am in the same situation in the next job? Will I be able to change that job too? And the next and then the next? This doesn’t mean that you need to be stuck in any unfavorable situation for a long time. But you need to distinguish between the situation causing the actual problem or is it your mindset about the situation that is causing the problem and then take the required action accordingly.

Whatever is happening to you right now could be all part of karma. In a wide sense of life, it’s all going good. You can face your karma. When the time comes you yourself will either get a new job and move out of this. It will happen by itself without much effort on your side. Ask yourself – Is life right now telling me to be here and doing/facing what is required here? In a spiritual sense, even getting fired off in a company is life’s way of taking you from one place and putting you into another. Everything is going on exactly the way it should have happened.

A sense of accomplishment in any task, work or otherwise, can only be accomplished when it is done with full satisfaction. Align yourself with whatever you are doing. Become ONE with it. If you are exercising and if your mind is having thoughts about whether you will lose weight or not, then the exercising is not going to be a satisfying experience. In that case your mind and the actual task of exercising is not ONE. Focus on your work – On purpose, intentionally and without any judgement. Do whatever it takes to give your very best. It also includes struggling with tasks, learning, falling and then rising above.  Do this every single day – At night before going to sleep you should feel that I have done my best today and so I can sleep peacefully. If not then give your best shot the next day. Results may not be immediate and you have to keep doing it. You having come from India I don’t need to tell you much what Lord Krishna advised to Arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, which is the heart of the Bhagavad Gita. This Kurukshetra is nothing but our battle of life.

“You have the right to perform your duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions.” Secondly, “Do not let the reward be the purpose of your actions, as a result of which, you will not become attached to not performing your duty.”

Regarding your need to do something else – You have just begun your career of 1.5 years. Of course you can quit your job anytime you want but are you going to survive? Do you have another job in hand? Agreed that you have a different passion in life. Are you okay to take the risk of working towards your passion and yet balance your life – physically, mentally, emotionally and monetarily? If so then you can do it.
How about carrying out your passion while doing this job side by side. When you are “settled down” with your passionate work then you can drop your job too.

Best Regards,
VJ

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by VJ.

Hi srk,

Do not have a very strong intense need to stop the habit. This will cause more to get into the habit instead of coming out of it.

This is because – if I tell you right now not to think of blue elephants, then the first image on the screen of your mind will be blue elephants. But if I tell you to think of black elephants, that will what be replacing any other image on your mind. Meaning – if you replace something else with your habit then eventually you will come out of it. You will need to replace those ‘urging’ times with something else. Given that you are alone, single and introvert what can you replace it with?

Start to focus your mind on things that is going to make you happy and cheerful. Since you mentioned you are an introvert, below are the things that you could think of doing where there is no interaction with other people.

– Prepare a list and do all the things that you like to do and makes you feel happy. This list should not contain something where other people are involved. You may struggle to think as to what can I do for myself that makes me happy but does not involve other people. Well, here are a few examples on the same – (below are just a few tips; add your own, and as many as you want)

•  Go and watch the sunset or simply go to a beach  (sounds cliche but is really worth the visit)

• Go and buy something to eat for yourself that you like very much

• Go for a walk simply to a place where you have never been before.

Of course go to a safe and known place. Keep walking and walking just for the heck of it. No particular agenda in mind, no destination to go, just keep going. Once you are tired or feel like you have gone far then return back. Make sure that you know the road to return back ?

•  Simply go to the roof, lie on your back, both hands under your head, and watch the sky

• Sit down and take ten deep breaths

• Take a different route to your work or college. Just for the heck of it – for no reason at all

• Be still for a while

Sit somewhere in the greens or on a park bench, and be quiet for a few minutes. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Simply sit.

• Inhale a fragrance that you like

Maybe Lavender or maybe Peppermint or maybe Rose……or whatever you like. Whatever that boosts your mood and makes you feel happy and cheerful.

• Watch the sunrise

If you have watched the sunset (in #1); now for a change wake up early on some morning and watch the sunrise too.

• Have a good and hearty laugh.

Put some YouTube videos that make you laugh and giggle or read a comic strip if you like it that way

• Go alone to a museum or a gallery

• Become more conscious of your health

Add at least one healthy item in your breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Then add two. Continue as you wish.

• Stroke a pet

• Take a “self-spa” at home (or maybe even at an actual spa).

Take a long bath or shower, sit long in the bath tub if you prefer. Apply something of nice fragrance.

• Strike something off from your to-do list

Either something that you have been postponing for a long time or something that is easy and quick to do.

• Disconnect yourself for an hour

No phones, no messages, no social media, no emails, no internet.

• Shake yourself

Put your favorite track and dance your heck out of it. If you do not like dancing then simply put your favorite songs and listen to them.

The list is going to be endless. You have to prepare your own list. Since you are alone it is a even easy to follow a routine and practice something – Nobody to disturb – nothing to do for someone else in the house/room.

Of course there are going to be times when the urge to watch is going to be more. So be it. At times it is also ok to fall prey to the urge. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you resist the urge it is going to persist. So keep it in light balance. Sometimes you succumb to the urge and sometimes not. So let it be that way. Gradually you will come out of it as you have more things to focus on.

At times you can even run the urge in the mind. When the urge comes “see” it. See where you feel that inside your body or in the mind. Sit with it for 90 seconds. Allow the urge to course through your entire system and focus your attention on the sensation of the urge itself rather than going and taking the next action (which is to go and watch pornography). After a minute and a half you will find that the urge will begin to dissipate and dissolve. In the beginning even if it doesn’t so let it be.

Walking/Running is a really good thing that distracts and clears the mind. Since you said you are an introvert so why not challenge yourself of coming out of your introvertedness. Why not slowly but gradually start interacting with people. It is a reality of life that there are going to be interactions involved with people as you move towards your life – be it in a job, at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the coffee shop, etc. You can start by just giving a smile to stranger. Then a spoken line or two then a conversation. Start gathering knowledge about the current events. This will help to strike a conversation.

This challenge itself is going to break your other habit. What you focus on that will grow.

It is usually said that it takes a minimum of 21 days to break a habit. So with this continuous practice of acknowledging the urge, challenging your introvertedness and with the above pointers to focus on other things that make you happy, eventually you will feel more in control and be able to make a conscious choice of what to do whenever you get that urge.

Warm Regards,

VJ

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by VJ.

Hi srk,

In reality controlling of the mind is not really possible. The less we try to think of something, the stronger it will get. The mind does a constant interpretation of the things we experience; the experiences that are going on externally or even the ones going on internally in our head. We can’t stop the mind from stirring up thoughts, it is what the mind does. That’s its job. Thoughts will come, but what we can do is to stop getting onto ‘the train of thoughts’. Notice the difference between ‘thoughts’ and ‘thinking’. It feels like ‘thoughts’ come by themselves from nowhere, but ‘thinking’ is a choice. Thinking starts when thoughts go unobserved. You can either be thinking OR be aware of your thinking but not both at the same time. Your job is to become the awareness behind the thinking. A thought comes up but you don’t need to follow wherever it takes you. Don’t analyze your interpretation or connect it to a memory. Allow the thought to come and let it pass by. Just imagine how we swipe between the screens on a smartphone – Next -> Next -> Next. Swipe the thoughts on the screen of your mind.

In Zen, meditation is not trying to get into some sort of trance. It is not daydreaming or to stop thinking. Neither should you try to control your mind. Zazen (a Zen meditation) is to practice to experience directly. To not pass judgement or analyze your sensorial experiences and thoughts. For that is all they are- just your senses being triggered. It is not reality itself. Just sit and let the thoughts/images in your head pass by. Thoughts may come but you will not follow them.

“..sometimes suddenly few thoughts and bad memories, related to people and past events get triggered in my mind. I tend to over-analyse the past during these times, about the things I should have said or done during those times. Imaginary conversations..”

Next time this happens try counting your thoughts.

Counting you thoughts exercise:

– As you mentioned you are already aware that these are imaginary thoughts. You will have to catch yourself when your mind begins to wander…when your mind begins to start creating those stories. Realize that your mind is starting to create those mind- movies.
– From now on make it a habit of watching your mind to be aware of any upcoming thought as if a cat is consciously watching a mouse hole – with absolute alert stillness. You can try this now to see how it feels. You can even say or ask yourself – “I wonder what is my next thought going to be?”
– Stay in ‘alert stillness’ and notice/observe the thoughts as they appear on the screen of your mind
– Begin to count the thoughts as they arise

I should have said this to her (1), She did not tell me about the affair (2), That really dissapointed me (3), Im frustrated (4)…..and so on.
– Any single judging, labeling, interpreting on the thoughts that arise, are again thoughts. So count them too. Be alert of the next scene/thought that is going to come on your mind. Any single ‘scene’ wherever your mind takes you is a thought to be counted too.
Don’t try to stop any thought, ‘allow’ it to come. Your job is to only count that.

Do this for a few minutes, maybe 1 or 2, or continue if you want to.
Note down the count of thoughts. Keep doing this practice regularly and see the change in the numbers. You will notice that the count of thoughts during those troublesome situations will have been reduced. If, at a later stage, it takes a long time for a thought to come up then you are on the right track.

This simple act of being alert and mindful of your thoughts will itself slow down your mental activity giving a feeling of increased sense of peace and calmness, a sense of being present. This happens because, when you are counting the thoughts you are no more getting pulled onto those thoughts….not jumping onto that train of thoughts. You have become aware of a thought by counting it. You have detached yourself from your thoughts. You and your thoughts are not one now.

Regards,

VJ

Dear Chris,

“How to know I have my Inner Peace”

When you no longer ask this question.

“It takes times until Inner Peace comes to you.  But when?”

Every moment is a new and fresh moment. So NOW is always the time to feel peaceful about any person, situation and event. It will only take time for peace to come to you if you live more in psychological time (past/future conditioning of the mind).

• “Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”  ~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

• “No matter how long your journey appears to be, there is never more than this: one step, one breath, one moment – The Now.”

• “Nothing has happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.”

• “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” 

• “You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now.”

Warm Regards,

VJ

Hi Gee,

Good to know that you may want to try that out.

No, the word ‘cut’ does not imply cutting the connection or the relationship itself. Do read all the links to understand more. It is to cut the negative energies within the relationship. But, it cannot be said what outcome Life has to serve.
i) either the attached feelings that you are currently having in your head may dissolve and you may talk to him like before, as you said that is what your expectation is
ii) or the feelings will dissolve and these thoughts no longer bother you any more and you will move on with your life

In either case, with him or without him in your life you will still be peaceful about the situation and I think that is what ultimately each one of us want in Life.

Also emphasize on the 2nd healing technique. It is a variation of Hoʻoponopono (an ancient Hawaiian healing technique).

As I said  – do it whenever those bothersome thoughts come in – whenever you feel the strong impulse to check the social accounts – stay away from your computer or mobile and start chanting the statements continuously.

Take care,
VJ

Hi Gee,

    i get upset if he’s not messaging

    i want to talk to him

   i know that it’s not right, that i should not love him

This is clear attachment. In True Love there is no wanting, needing lacking, clinging.

It is obsessive love.

In fact, any thought is an attachment. And all that you are getting in your head are thoughts….lots of them….so that is how intense the attachment is.

Love is all about being and not doing.

I can truly understand what is happening in your head. This has happened to me several times. I know that there is a strong intense pull that you are not able to control. But a good thing is at least right now you are able to distinguish whether the feeling is right or wrong. Some people get dragged into the relationship and then end up with physical and emotional problems. Do not worry I have a solution for you below.

Speaking from a spiritual context, this is the beginning of Maya, illusion, satan, devil. Strive to stay away from it now and you will be peaceful later, else it will be the beginning of problems. Most of the times this happens if you have any negative karma to be settled with this person. But do not worry, you can dissolve this karma by cutting the cords of attachment and following as suggested below.

1) You might have energetic cords (ties) of attachment with this person. These cords are invisible since they are at an energetic level. They are also called as psychic ties and they are especially in relationships. The cords of attachment need to be dissolved.

Please go through the below links to know more on what it is and what to do-
(www.ascendedrelationships.com/cutting-energy-cords)

Calling upon Archangel Michael with his golden sword is a very famous way of cutting negative cords-
(www.nikkiboruch.com/how-to-cut-energetic-cords-with-archangel-michael)

(www.amagicalworld.com/index.php/energy-healing/etheric-cord-cutting)

(www.wikihow.com/Work-With-Archangel-Michael)

There are many ways of doing this. Simply do a web search on “cutting energetic cords of attachment”

If you prefer something visual then there are videos on YouTube too.

2) Forgiveness Exercise:

Format: I _______ FORGIVE YOU _____________, YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.
Example: I FORGIVE YOU , YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.

Chant the above as many times as possible. This is effective. You can do this whenever you are not able to do the 1st one….or even when you are cooking, washing dishes, standing in a queue, lying down on the bed, or whenever those thoughts bother you.

Do both the above ‘energy healing exercises’ and see yourself coming out of the situation.

Warm Regards,

VJ

Hi Dee,

Here is an excellent resource for audio/video Meditation.
This channel has everything right from waking up in the morning – to feeling charged up during the day – till the end of day for a peaceful sleep.

This channel also has a varied list of guided meditations. For anyone having trouble meditating, can simply follow Rick Clarke’s soothing voice in the guided meditations, or simply listen to any of the non-guided meditations.

https://www.youtube.com/user/TheHonestGuys/videos

[Make sure to visit each and every category as there are lots of them]

Try listening to this one before going to bed tonight.

Happy Meditating!

Best Wishes,

~VJ