Okay…I look at it a bit differently.
Forgiveness is SO important and it’s as much about forgiving yourself, as him.
Perhaps you need to forgive him as an aid in forgiving yourself for “being such a fool”. That’s what I read between the lines….but I could be wrong, as I have been…once in the past !

So, step one…..UNDERSTANDING. If you can understand why he, and you, have made these decisions, you’re a good part of the way there. In general, people don’t set out to be tools. Most of us try to live our lives well and get on with everyone else. However, we have all been programmed by our past lives…so we all think and act a bit differently. Underneath, he and you are both good people, trying to get by as best you can. Our actions are somewhat separate from us…and are dictated by our past programming. What I’m saying is play the ball, not the player. He has made his decisions and you have made your decisions based on what you believe and what you have been programmed with. Sometimes those decisions work, sometimes they go belly-up. That’s life.

If you can accept that his, and your decisions, may not have been perfect…based on what has happened since…you will be able to see the learning from those decisions. Both he and you will probably act a little different if a similar situation comes along. That’s learning. Be thankful for that.

If all that makes sense, then certainly you can feel some hurt…it’s a natural emotion…but forgiveness shouldn’t be too far away. You’ll then be ready to move on to the next stage of your life…better equipped to handle the inevitable curve balls.

Hi Nicole,

I have a few thoughts on these issues, but you may not like them…and that’s fine. At least you’ll have the opportunity to hear another perspective. I’ll take it step by step…

First…TRUST…the age old biggie. My general definition of trust is the ….”need for everyone else to act as I anticipate and believe they should”. I don’t care for the term trust. If I did, I, in turn would have to accept that I must act as others anticipate and expect me to act. I don’t care for that either. I make my own decisions, for good or for bad, based on my assessment at the time…not on what others expect me to do. I also believe others are likewise entitled. Our decisions may displease others at times, but that’s their problem. They are then entitled to react how they deem appropriate.

For example…you said that you had been unfaithful in all your relationships. You obviously made those decisions for good reason. How did you expect your, then, partners to react? Should they have TRUSTED you not to be unfaithful?

Once again, your Mother…you are expecting her to act as you believe she should. Is that realistic or fair?
I believe in respecting other people’s decisions…even if they are not in my best interests. We don’t know why other people make particular decisions, but they obviously have a good reason…in their minds. If I don’t like how it affects me, I either “make other arrangements” or live with it. it’s MY problem, not theirs.

As for deserving….where is that written? How many brownie points do we need before we are entitled or deserving?
No one is deserving. The Universe will decide how we are treated…irrespective of our evaluation of our worthiness.

The bottom line….as I see it….we don’t deserve anything, we are not entitled to other people acting in line with our “wants” and do we really need to forgive other people for living their lives how THEY want to?

As I said…mightn’t be what you want to hear, but it’s what I think….

Hi Megan,

I’m sorry that you are hurting…but it doesn’t have to be this way.
You said you didn’t want encouraging words, but the cold hard truth…well, you’ve come to the right place!
I deal in reality and sometimes people see me as lacking in empathy or sympathy…but my goal is to help people find a way forward…not feed their victim mentality. As they say…if you want sympathy, talk to your girlfriends!

Having said all that, grief is a real emotion and it can’t be argued away. What can be argued away is the reason for the grief.
That’s what you have to attack. I would ask you…why are you grieving? Did you expect your first relationship to last forever? Are you different from the rest of us, in that most of us have some good relationships, some bad ones and some for life. The chances of you meeting your “soul mate” straight out of the barriers is pretty remote. The reality is, wise people use their early relationships to learn about ourselves and others. We enjoy them while they last and we understand that there’s every chance that we may not be compatible in the long term, and that we might decide to go our separate ways at some time. That’s life.

I think, rather than grieving, you should be so happy that you had the opportunity to have the good times you did and that you learnt the things you did and that you are now in a better place to dodge the hurdles in your next relationship. You should make peace with your ex…a fellow traveller who’s also just trying to navigate life’s pitfalls… and look forward to the next adventure.

If you decide to hold on to the grief and regrets, it’s going to be a fairly painful journey for you.

Now…back to being Mr Nice Guy….I hope everything works out for you….

Steve

I hear what you’re saying. Just chanting affirmations ain’t gunna cut it.
New beliefs shouldn’t just be “dreams” e.g. “I am rich”…they should be based on reality and have substance.
I would only put my mind to adopting a new belief of, for example, ”I am a real trier, and I sometimes achieve my goals, however, I still need to work on X”…if every word was true.

If your mind can accept an old belief, for example, “I will never be healthy”…that is totally out of whack with logic and reality, shouldn’t it be worth trying to adopt a new, reality based belief? I know you do want to, but just can’t find a method.
Hopefully, others on this forum might offer some suggestions. I can only speak from experience and the way I changed my core beliefs was:

1. I had to be told and convinced that my existing belief system was dodgy. That was a real eye opener and turning point. I couldn’t believe what I had been doing for 40 odd years was so wrong.
2. I had to be given suggestions on new ways of thinking and be convinced they were correct….which doesn’t mean I had adopted them at this stage.
3. I had to have a triggering event, that proved the validity of the new beliefs. It was a painful event, however, I will be forever grateful for it, as it changed my whole life
4. I had a follow up event, which reinforced the validity of my new core beliefs beyond doubt. This is one of the reasons that I believe that so much learning and wisdom can come from the difficult parts of our lives.

I still have the old ones surfacing occasionally, as I’m just a fallible human being, but I manage to mostly knock them on the head.

I wish you well in your search ….

Okay Dori, let’s have a look at these. I don’t have all the answers. Only you can change, no one can force or make you change…assuming you want to. But let’s see if we can make it a bit easier.

1. “I should have gone to cookery school”. Why? Obviously things have happened since you made the decision not to, that has brought this on. But I challenge you to revisit the original reasons you decided not to. Were they valid reasons THEN? ….which I’m sure they were. Using 20/20 hindsight to second guess past decisions is irrational. We can’t base our current decisions on what happens in the future. That’s illogical. You made a best guess and that’s all we fallible human beings are capable of. Until you can accept past decisions, you will be cursed with a life of regrets.

2. “I will never find my life’s purpose”. Too late, you’ve have found it. It’s to live…and interact with other people…and make mistakes…and learn lessons…and provide learning opportunities for others…like me. There’s no bells or whistles or fireworks or harps. It’s just life.

3. “I am not good at anything”. I call bollocks on that. You can put two words together. You can express your feelings. Make a list of what else you can do. Little steps. Sure, there’s stuff you can’t do…as there are many things I can’t do. That’s because we are all different…by design.

4.”I will never be healthy”. Perhaps you won’t. Some people aren’t. But that’s a pretty broad statement about yourself. Again, list what works in your body and what’s worn out. Set some goals on fixing the broken bits.

There’s some thoughts to start the ball rolling.
It’s a matter of really looking at what unwanted emotions are being triggered, what happened to trigger them, what must I believe about that happening for that emotion to be triggered and is that belief rational and realistic? If not, start slowly converting it to an empowering belief. Easier said thatn done, I know…but it is possible.

Hi Kate,

Sorry you feel down, but I have to say….welcome to the human race.
Stop searching…you’re already there.
Our purpose is …to be alive…and to interact with other people…to learn, and to provide lessons for others.
Yes, each of our journey’s is different…some smooth, some bumpy…but a journey all the same. That’s the way the Universe made things.
Through your adversity, you’ll grow stronger and new avenues WILL open up. Don’t be scared to make decisions or take chances.
I learnt this late in life, which meant that I missed out on “going with the flow” in my earlier years. But that’s okay. Better late than never.
You mentioned a lot of shoulda, couldas. I say, dump the regrets. It’s the one most significant decision I ever made. I swapped anger and regret for peace and contentment. The best deal I ever made.
I put it to you that all your past decisions were made with the best of intentions and with the best information available…at the time of the decisions. Don’t let 20/20 hindsight blind you to that fact.
Just keep moving…in any direction…and see where life takes you. None of us know what’s ahaead of us…and that’s the beauty of it all.
Happy journeys !

Hi Chris,

I would go in another direction.
I believe it’s important to “understand” her…even if you don’t “condone” her actions.
At the moment you are angry because you can’t understand how she could have done the things she did.
Once you have the understandings, peace and finalisation should follow.

The first thing to understand is that people only make decisions that THEY think are correct. We can’t make an incorrect decision for ourselves…based on what we are thinking and how we feel at the time of the decision. Therefore, try and consider what beliefs she must have had to do the things she did. You will probably find those beliefs quite contrary to yours…but she had them none the less. Most probably, she has had those beliefs ingrained in her for a very long time…as we all do. How they were obtained is a whole other discussion and we may never know, in this case.

Once you UNDERSTAND why she made the decisions she did, accept that they were based on beliefs contrary to yours and make a firm decision to accept that fact. Who are we to judge how someone else adopted particular beliefs…it could have been childhood experiences, teachers, her peers, books she read…and the list goes on.

Now is the time to accept our differences and move on with your journey. As the old saying goes….holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.