Matt,

Thank you for the kind welcome back! I appreciate the cyber embrace : ). I do love lists. It helps me sort out my scattered thoughts. I am slowly realizing that I don’t have to follow each thought though. I was especially touched by point number three. I remember a time when light flowed through me effortlessly. My presence of ease and calm made others feel that way too. For some reason, after I have become more self aware, it has been harder for me to be more free like that. I think I began to think obsessively or at least became more aware of my thinking (I used think three times in one sentence…lol). The self awareness sort of mutated into self consciousness. I began to constantly question every move I made, every motive, everything that I did. On the quest to heal and to become much more spiritual, I became too rigid. As a child, I grew up both catholic and evangelist. Both of which are fear based and judgment based religions. I keep bringing this into my spiritual practice. So I try my best to be compassionate and kind to myself but I keep acting like a sargent. I also keep trying to find exact rules to follow to attain enlightenment, although logically I know rules don’t exist. It isn’t about some magic formula or trying to even obtain a goal. It is like you said just simply being what I already am. You are so right to comment on trying to prove that I am strong enough to be lovable. Being jobless (luckily it was voluntary) has made me realize just how attached I am to what I do and how I used doing to create an identity for myself. Doing nothing has been pretty tough because I have nothing to distract me from me. I do trust that all will be well. I just have to learn to be patient and to let things simply be. I put too much pressure and expectations on myself. Thank you so much for your insight Matt! How are things for you? I hope all is well!

Sending Much Love,

Zenhen

Matt,

5) Don’t be afraid of making the same mistakes, you won’t. You’ll make new ones. Ha ha!

This brought the biggest smile to my face! I cracked up so hard. Hearing this actually brought great relief! I don’t have a problem with mistakes just the same ones.

The post was long because I just felt like it was all a mess. I didn’t really know where to start. This really brought a lot of clarity and greater understanding of my situation. I really appreciate the insight, especially about the sex drive. I never thought of it as something that would remain even after the shame fades. I am slowly learning to embrace the drive and also my need for emotional connection and intimacy. These things don’t make me weak.

I am glad that your wife was able to open up. Deep down that is what I hope for him, even if it is not with me. I also know how it feels to not let anyone in. It is just sad to see someone closed off because he is not only closed off to me but to himself. I will present this to him. I hope he wants to step up. I know we both need to do what it takes to nurture a healthy relationship and there are things I need to let go of and things I need to let in too.

Btw thanks for introducing me to Ajahn Brahm. I have listened to three talks by him and have been so uplifted. I really appreciate it!

With Love and Gratitude,

Zenhen

Matt,

That makes me feel better! I really enjoy playing it at night right before bed. It helps me sleeps more soundly. I just couldn’t really do it. I will try the text prayer and also just try repeating it even if its through gritted teeth ; )

Love,

Zenhen

Steve,

I definitely feel a lack of energy. What is strange is that I try to do things that will give me more energy, but I feel depleted afterwards. Usually, I feel very hyper after working out but lately I just feel more tired. I even did a 5k obstacle course race last weekend called Rugged Maniac. I thought it would give me the boost I needed. As I was crawling under bob-wire and sliding around in mud, I still felt pretty low. It was like Eeyore doing a race. I was successful and didn’t have trouble doing it but was so depressed. It was kinda funny and made me laugh. At least I can still be objective enough to laugh at myself.

I did blood work to check everything and I am low on Vitamin D and some digestive enzymes but nothing too significant to be a clear cause of the energy depletion. I think I just have to keep doing it, even if I don’t feel like it. I keep waiting for the moment I will feel like it but for now I just got to keep moving.

I will check out that talk on youtube tonight!

Thanks for your help!

Zenhen

Buddhist Wife,

Thanks and I am glad that am not the only who struggles with certain meditations. I really appreciate your input!

Matt,

I did read your reply. Thank you very much for it. I have been letting it marinate for a while. I started thinking of my current sexual relationship and my past sexual relationships. The best sex I have ever had was with an abuse victim. He was raped by his step father and molested by his mother. Every time we made love it was as if we were healing each other. Without words, we just understood the undercurrents and knew how to work around the fragility. The sex was divine and because of him I became interested in sexual spiritual healing. However, it ended with us because he was an alcoholic and also he was 13 years my senior and I was barely 19. So looking back at my sex history, I feel like its never really been “normal”. I attracted plenty of people with fetishes or with sexual dysfunction or who feared emotional intimacy.

Until the other night with my boyfriend, I had felt that the abuse affected me emotionally but not sexually. Now that I look back, I am a bit sexual dysfunctional myself. I think I had lots of sex just to prove that I was okay. Engaging in it almost compulsively, then being very disappointed when I didn’t find god in an orgasm or love wrapped in a condom. I would go through periods of absolute promiscuity or complete celibacy. Also I started thinking about my body language. You mentioned in your reply that maybe he prefers the anal sex because when it is him doing the penetrating, I am adverse to it on an energetic level. I thought to myself but I want to be penetrated and I am not adverse to it. But then I started thinking about my body language. What was my body saying at the moment of penetration? Many guys always complimented me by saying “wow, you are so tight”. Now that I think about it, really I was just tensing up. I started focusing on what it was I felt right before a guy would go in. My stomach tenses up and my legs start to close a little bit, my hand is always placed on his hips kinda of pushing away a bit and I scoot up away from him. In the beginning it is always hard to get all the way in and they all say you are so tight. I didn’t realize this was tension. One guy actually told me to keep my legs open and this turned me on. It was like he gave me permission to feel it, to enjoy it, told me it’s okay to be open, to receive. My previous partner, the one who was abused too, would tell me that I was holding back and resisting. I truly didn’t think I was. I was having orgasms thus I thought I was fine.

Also my mind would be lost in fantasy. I would fantasize about having sex in public for some reason, in front of everyone. Now I realize this probably has to do with feeling shameful about sex and wanting to be okay with having open sexual desires that don’t have to be kept secret. The other thing I would fantasize about would be my partner having gay sex, while I watched. I would imagine another man being with us and all of us engaging together. Not like a gang bang but a bisexual threesome. I actually had the fantasy come to fruition and it only lasted 15 minutes because I was disgusted. It didn’t turn me on. Now, in retrospect, I think I was just fantasizing about the men engaging with each other and being penetrated because I was the one who really wanted to engage freely with a man. I believed that only men could express themselves sexually in a free way. The men also seemed less intimidating if they were penetrated.

I don’t really know. I just know I have some strange sex issues that I am figuring out. I am abstaining at the moment not due to fear like in the past but because I just want to figure some things out. When I do engage again, I want it to be fun, carefree, fantasy free, playful and most of all loving. I did service my boyfriend orally yesterday. This is something that is hard for me and I never liked to do it because it was something I was forced to do when I was being abused. When I did do it, I sometimes would feel disgusted, other times like a servant or other times like I was just trying to gain validation. Yesterday, I did it simply because I wanted to and did it out of love for him. At first, it felt a bit weird but I consciously made an effort to stay in the present moment and focus on him and on the physical sensations. I kept my eyes open, we locked gazes and whispered our love to each other. It was very beautiful and a big step for me. Afterwards, I started feeling a little angry and some shame. But I reminded myself that I am not angry about the present moment but the past. I put the anger where it belonged. I reminded myself that it’s not shameful to be sexual, have desire for another and to express it in a loving way. I didn’t let him touch me or try to please me and I was okay with that. I am going slow. I can see now and understand how I shut the energy down. How I never really allowed myself to receive, thus causing some tension in the lovemaking process.

I can also relate to you wanting to kill your masculinity. I hated my femininity for a long time. I saw being feminine as being a victim. My mother was raped and she was a victim of domestic violence. Being Latina, women are seen as weak and as second class. Being feminine meant putting others first, sacrifice and not getting a say. So I didn’t want to express my femininity because that meant I was carrying a license to be abused and hurt. I was called a tomboy and people could not understand this because they claimed I was too pretty to be so butch. My mother even accused me of being gay. I hated my body for a long time. I have a classic hour glass figure, pinup girl type body. I blamed my sexual curves for the abuse and dressed in loose clothing. I still don’t wear makeup today at the age of 27. I put it on only for special occasions. I am slowly trying to dress sexier without feeling awkward. It took me a long time to accept my femininity. It took redefining what it meant. It is still hard for me. Sometimes I do still think to be a woman means to submit. But I am finding my own definition. Once I reconcile this masculine/feminine split and find a balance, I am sure that engaging sexually with men will come easier.

I am so glad that you are sharing your light and experiences with us. I am also glad you stated it too is difficult for you. I started this thread and am grateful for all the feedback but sometimes it is hard to reply. However, it has been sooooooooo helpful and healing to share with you and others. It is funny how I would often read your replies before I created this thread and felt connected to you. I never thought I could learn this much from you and connect with you like this. Even though, we don’t know each other, I feel you have helped me so much. I am so glad that you found yourself and found love for yourself and your wife. I am inspired by your love for each other. I hope to build a mindful and loving relationship like that one day.

Take Care and sending you my love and light,

Zenhen