Posts tagged with “codependence”
5 Ways to Heal from a Highly Critical, Controlling Parent
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay
When I was growing up, it felt like nothing was good enough for my dad. And all I longed for was his acceptance and love.
He had this temper that would blow up, and he’d blame me for how he felt. He would outright tell me his behavior was my fault. That if I’d behaved better, he wouldn’t have had an outburst.
When he told me I wasn’t enough or worthy, I believed him. I was constantly walking on eggshells …
Why I Don’t Regret That I Didn’t Walk Away from My Relationship Sooner
“The butterfly does not look back at the caterpillar in shame, just as you should not look back at your past in shame. Your past was part of your own transformation.” ~Anthony Gucciardi
Before I finally grew the courage to walk away from my boyfriend, I contemplated walking away many times.
There was the time that he had ghosted me for a week without communicating that he needed space. Then after promising me a timeline for telling his mom about me and our relationship, when the time came to do it, he made up another excuse. And there were …
Learning to Speak Up When You Were Taught That Your Feelings Don’t Matter
“A proper grown-up communicates clearly and assertively.”
This is something I have heard many people say.
By that definition, I wouldn’t have classed as a proper grown-up for most of my life.
There was a time when I couldn’t even ask someone for a glass of water. I know that might seem crazy to some people, and for a long time I did feel crazy for it.
Why couldn’t I do the things others did without even thinking about it? Why couldn’t I just say what I needed to say? Why couldn’t I just be normal?
Those questions would …
How to Love Mindfully When You’re a Socially Anxious People-Pleaser
“It’s okay to care about what people think. Just know there’s a difference between valuing someone’s opinion and needing their approval.” ~Lori Deschene
My date—an attractive student in her twenties—talked away excitedly, but all I could think of was this:
“How can I make her like me?”
“How can I impress her?”
“How can I make her laugh?”
I agonized over every word that I said, every response from her, every moment of our interaction, and I poured every single detail that I could find—or imagine—under the microscope of my mind… and all of a sudden, the date was over!…
Why I No Longer Chase Emotionally Unavailable People, Hoping They’ll Change
“Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.” ~Unknown
We met at a bar with Skee-Ball and slushy margaritas for our first date.
She was gorgeous. I noticed that as soon as I walked in. I still wasn’t sure whether we’d have anything to talk about though. The messages we’d exchanged had been minimal.
It turned out we did.
Conversation flowed from one topic to the next—meandering from her passion for biology in college to how I tried to master mountain boarding at summer camp as a kid to …
Unbecoming the Old Me: How I’m Finally Discovering That Life Can Be Fun
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” ~Albert Einstein
I woke up one morning and realized that I had no idea who I was. I realized that over the past thirty-something years I had been everyone but myself.
I was like a chameleon molding into the people that surrounded me. Not wanting to make noise or cause disturbance to others or trigger my own inner wounds.
My goal was being whoever I thought the person around me wanted me to be. To be accepted, loved, and liked by others. I realize …
7 Ways Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Romantic Relationships
“Love is the greatest miracle cure. Loving ourselves creates miracles in our lives.” ~Louise Hay
When you are unlucky in love, you tend to blame yourself for not being enough and maybe blame fate for not giving you a break already! Everyone else around you is in happy, long-term relationships, but you just can’t get there.
You might come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with you—you’re too old or too fat—and all the good ones are already married, and you will just die alone! You never think for one moment that your relationship history is playing out …
I’m Kelly and I’m a Heroine Addict: Why I Get My Fix from Fixing People
“Self-will means believing that you alone have all the answers. Letting go of self-will means becoming willing to hold still, be open, and wait for guidance for yourself.”―Robin Norwood, Author of Women Who Love Too Much
My drug of choice is not the kind of heroin one shoots in their veins. My drug is the kind of heroine that ends with an e—the feminine version of hero.
When I help someone, and they are grateful for the gifts I offer, my brain fizzes with a cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, resulting in a “helper’s high” I ride …
5 Surefire Signs You Grew Up with an Emotionally Immature Parent
“There’s no such thing as a ‘bad kid’—just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings and needs the only way they know how. We owe it to every single one of them to always remember that.” ~Dr. Jessica Stephens
All children look up to their parents from the moment they enter this world. They have this beautiful, pure, unconditional love pouring out of them. Parents are on a pedestal. They are the ones who know what’s best! They are the grownups showing us how to do life!
We don’t think for one moment that they could be …
Why Codependents Don’t Trust Themselves to Make Decisions and How to Start
“Slow, soulful living is all about coming back to your truth, the only guidance you’ll ever need. When you rush, you have the tendency to follow others. When you bring in mindfulness, you have the power to align with yourself.” ~Kris Franken
Codependency previously created a lot of pain and agony in my life. One of the ways it manifested was in my inability to trust myself. I would overthink decisions to death, fearful that I would choose the “wrong one” or upset someone if they didn’t agree or were disappointed by my choice.
I was terrified of “making a …
How Not Setting Boundaries Serves Our Primal Need for Acceptance
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” ~Brené Brown
I used to believe that others didn’t have healthy boundaries. They didn’t know where to draw the line, and I was the victim of overbearing people. People that would always cross the invisible line.
When people crossed that line, it left me feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, and resentful. It felt wrong in my gut, but I never knew how to communicate it or change it until later in life. Lack of boundaries seeped into every part of my life, personal, professional, and everything …
How I Stopped Chasing Men Who Hurt Me and Found Healthy Love
“There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don’t matter and people who think that you don’t matter.” ~Ziad K. Abdelnour
“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself. Crying in the dark of the night. “Why doesn’t he love me?”
I’d tried to fold myself in all the ways I could to be loved and accepted, but it was never enough. I found myself repeating patterns of chasing men who just didn’t want me. Same cry in the night, different men.
The more I chased them, the more they ran away, and the deeper …
5 Simple Yet Essential Self-Care Tips That Can Change Your Life
“Never be ashamed to say, ‘I’m worn out. I’ve had enough. I need some time for myself.’ That isn’t being selfish. That isn’t being weak. That’s being human.” ~Topher Kearby
Years ago, my extended family, who I am very close with, migrated from Vietnam to America as permanent residents. Four separate families had a couple of kids in each family. They are nice, kind, and loving people, and their kids were super cute and respectful.
My relationship with my extended family has taught me a lot of lessons throughout my life so far, but this was one of the most …
10 Signs You’re in a Toxic, Unhealthy Relationship and How to Help Yourself
“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly…the lover alone possesses his gift of love.” ~Toni Morrison
Not all relationships are created equal. Some rage in like a storm and leave you far weaker than you were before. As you try to process the wreck that is now your reality, you wonder, how did I end up here?
I found myself in a toxic and addicting relationship in my mid-late twenties. Now that some time has passed and allowed for reflection, I want to pass on some signs …
How I Found Peace and Self-Love After a Toxic Relationship
“Bravery is leaving a toxic relationship and knowing that you deserve better.” ~Unknown
When my marriage ended, it left a huge void that I desperately needed to fill, and quickly.
Along with my divorce came the unbearable feelings of rejection and being unlovable. To avoid these feelings, fill the void, and distract myself, I turned to dating. And it turns out, it was much too soon.
What seemed like a harmless distraction soon became what I needed to feel wanted and loved. This was a way to avoid doing the harder work of learning to love myself instead of needing …
If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People
“Ask for help. Not because you are weak. But because you want to remain strong.” ~Les Brown
I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting—linen gown hanging off me, half exposed—while going through the checklist in my mind of what I needed help with. I felt my breathing go shallow as I mentally sorted through the aches and pains I couldn’t seem to control.
Fierce independence and learning to not rely on others are two of the side effects of my particular trauma wounds, stemming from early childhood neglect and abandonment. During times of heightened stress, my default state is …
3 Things I Realized When I Stopped People-Pleasing and Let Myself Receive
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.” ~Brene Brown
The honest truth about needing to please is that we do it to make other people happy. We will sacrifice everything and anything to put a smile on another’s face and lighten their load, while ours keeps building.
The only problem is that while helping others makes us feel good, it’s almost addictive until we are burnt out. And giving and pleasing others starts to come from a place of resentment.
I’ve been there!
There was a time when I used …
Sick of Toxic Relationships? Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away
“There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” ~José N. Harris
Letting go of relationships that impact your well-being and make you feel unsafe may seem like a simple act for many, but for those of …
A Guide to Saying No Without Guilt: 7 Steps for People-Pleasers
“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” ~Unknown
Why is it so hard to say no? The uncomfortable buildup of emotion I felt while contemplating dropping the ‘n’ word used to have me rushing around town, home, and work for the people I loved in a heartbeat.
I remember one day I was on the cusp of complete overwhelm with the responsibility of being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and business owner. Hanging up the phone with a potential new client who was keen to work with me, I was wired. I …
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