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Posts tagged with “needs”

How Understanding Complex Trauma Deepened My Ability to Love Myself

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“Being present for your own life is the most radical act of self-compassion you can offer yourself.” ~Sylvia Boorstein

In 2004, I experienced a powerful breakthrough in understanding what it meant to love myself. I could finally understand that self-love is about the relationship that you have with yourself, and that relationship is expressed in how you speak to yourself, treat yourself, and see yourself. I also understood that self-love is about knowing yourself and paying attention to what you need.

These discoveries, and others, changed my life and led me into a new direction. But as the years …

Why I Learned to Stay Quiet to Be “Good”

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 “Your silence will not protect you.” ~Audre Lorde

When I was little, I learned that being “good” meant being quiet.

Not just with my voice, but with my needs. My emotions. Even the space I took up.

I don’t remember anyone sitting me down and saying, “Don’t speak unless spoken to.” But I felt it—in the flinches when I was too loud, the tension when I cried, the subtle praise when I stayed calm, agreeable, small. I felt it in the way adults sighed with relief when I didn’t make a fuss. I felt it in the way I stopped …

The Small, Simple Acts That Shifted Me Out of Survival Mode

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“True healing is not a straight line. It is a spiral. You come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.” ~Barry H. Gillespie

I used to believe healing would be obvious. Like a movie montage of breakthroughs… laughter through tears, epiphanies in therapy, and early morning jogs that end with a sunrise and a changed life. But that’s not what healing looked like for me.

It looked like dragging myself out of bed with puffy eyes after staying up too late crying. It looked like brushing my teeth when everything in me whispered, “Why bother?” It …

We Are Not Machines

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How to Embrace Elective (not Mandatory) Forgiveness After Trauma

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Do I need to forgive my abusive mother to let go of the past?

This is the question I found myself grappling with when I started to recover from the pain of childhood neglect. For most of my childhood, I did not have access to a consistent adult who valued me. As a result, I believed that I had no value, and I lived my life according to this belief.

I treated myself as an invaluable being by denying my needs, catering to everyone else’s, and engaging in relationships with people who sought to benefit from my low self-worth. …

5 Hidden Ways Codependency Is Sabotaging Your Relationships

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“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.” ~ Melody Beattie

I first uncovered codependency and how it was ruining my relationships back in 2019 after ending my relationship of four years.

At the time, I didn’t know the first thing about myself—except that I didn’t know myself at all. I had no idea what I needed or desired. All I knew was that I hated being alone and longed …

What I Do Now Instead of Trying to Rescue People

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“A leader leads by example whether he intends to or not.” ~Unknown

This past year has been a journey—one that cracked me open in ways I never expected.

It began with life-changing news: I was pregnant with my third child. In August, I welcomed my baby, and as I held that tiny, precious life in my arms, the weight of reality crashed over me. Something had to give. I could not keep moving at the same relentless pace, endlessly pouring myself into others, holding their pain as if it were my own, and giving until there was nothing left. …

It’s Okay to Disappoint People When You’re Honoring Yourself

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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown

On a recent day trip to the Yuba River with my daughter and two friends, unexpected tensions arose, offering me a chance to reflect on a lifelong pattern that has often complicated my relationships. It was a beautiful day, and I’d been looking forward to soaking up the sun and relaxing by the water—but my friend had a more adventurous day in mind.

Though a footbridge led to a clear trail, she suggested we take a more difficult route over …

An Unexpected Lesson on Boundaries and Putting Yourself First

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I just dropped off a rider—her name is Mariel.

When I picked her up, she got into the car and said she was headed downtown. I casually mentioned that I live downtown, near the Walt Disney Concert Hall. She smiled, said, “That’s fire,” and then, just like that, she put on her headphones.

And I got angry. Yeah, I’m admitting it. That stupid, bubbling rage started to rise. Why? Because I’m insecure.

My mind started spinning: How could she put on her headphones like I don’t matter? Isn’t that rude? I caught myself thinking she should be giving me attention, …

I’m Not a Failure for Doing Less

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Choosing Yourself: How to Prioritize Your Personal Well-Being

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“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~Oscar Wilde

“Choose me!” I heard the voice clearly as I sat across from my therapist one day in her office.

It was my fourth visit, and we were working through this feeling I had, like I was crying on the inside but nothing was coming out on the outside. I was explaining how this feeling had been recurring quite frequently lately and how my response was to ignore it and push through it.

In response to this, my therapist asked me, “What would happen if you attended to this …

Why I Deprioritized Myself and What I Now Know About Boundaries

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“If you do not have needs, you once did.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg

When I was born, my mother did not want me. In the northern part of India, there is still a very strong preference for having a male child. A female child is often seen as a burden because of the social and economic traditions of patriarchy.

Because of this initial rejection, I became highly sensitive to my parents’ inner worlds. In my deep longing to be loved and accepted, I mastered the subtle art of sensing their needs and feelings, becoming a natural caretaker.

I would come back …

How to Stop Prioritizing Everyone and Everything Else at Your Own Expense

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“Agreeing to things just to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this you’re disrespecting your boundaries. No more making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice.” ~Dj Love Light

I read the text from my stepmother inviting everyone to the holiday dinner at her house, and my stomach began to churn. I did not want to attend, but I was instantly flooded with guilt at the thought of saying no.

“How to kindly decline an invite” I typed and hit …

20 Self-Care Quotes to Keep You Mentally and Emotionally Strong

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It’s a new week, and that can bring with it a sense of excitement and possibility or a sense of dread about your overwhelming responsibilities. Sometimes for me it’s both.

And not just because I have a lot to do, but also because, like most of us, I have a lot going in my head and my heart at any given time. And it’s not always easy to be a feeling human in a busy world that won’t slow down when it all seems like too much. Which means sometimes we need to stop instead.

Stop pushing ourselves. Stop ignoring …

6 Reasons We Ignore Our Needs and How to Stop

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“If you feel that you are missing out on fulfillment and happiness, but cannot put your finger on why, perhaps there is something deeper going on. Believe it or not, anyone can develop an unconscious habit of self-deprivation. Usually, this habit begins in childhood.” ~Mike Bundrant

For all my adolescence and over a decade of my adult life, I was what men (and I’m guessing some female friends as well) would refer to as “emotionally needy.” And some did. To my face. With a sense of condescension and judgment.

They were right. I was clingy, insecure, and fragile. I needed …

How to Start Speaking Up: Find Your Voice and Be Heard

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“Your voice is the most potent magic in existence.” ~Michael Bassey Johnson

In a noisy, crowded world, in a culture that promotes service to others and putting others’ needs before our own, how do we find the courage to share our own voice?

I’ll admit, I’m still navigating this journey. There are times when a writer can write from a place of knowing. A place where they feel like they have something figured out and want to share it with the world. This is not one of those times.

This is a sharing of information from a place where I …

All Emotions Come and Go

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You’re Struggling to Make a Change Because…

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7 Self-Reflection Questions to Create Your Own Happiness This Year

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“Self-reflection is necessary to dig beneath our own layers and visit the inner crevices of our heart and mind to develop an understanding of life.” ~Unknown

This year, I’ve not set New Year’s resolutions nor planned to completely “reinvent” myself or my life.

The past three years have brought up many unresolved issues, emotions to release, and wounds to heal. It’s been quite a rollercoaster ride, and I want to be gentle with myself.

Instead of setting resolutions, I sat down with a simple moleskin journal and pondered a few questions to create my own happiness this year based on …

5 Surefire Signs You Grew Up with an Emotionally Immature Parent

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“There’s no such thing as a ‘bad kid’—just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings and needs the only way they know how. We owe it to every single one of them to always remember that.” ~Dr. Jessica Stephens 

All children look up to their parents from the moment they enter this world. They have this beautiful, pure, unconditional love pouring out of them. Parents are on a pedestal. They are the ones who know what’s best! They are the grownups showing us how to do life!

We don’t think for one moment that they could be …