Posts tagged with “needs”
How to Avoid Petty Fights and Get What You Need in Your Relationship
“It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” ~Amy Poehler
It was yet another stupid argument that escalated from nothing to a hundred miles an hour in seconds. I’d been there so many times before, entrenched in warfare with us both preparing our defenses and priming our attacks.
The intense emotions of the moment always took over, denying me the opportunity that hindsight would later afford me. Huge issues were, upon reflection, only minor disagreements about who had said what about the cooking, or where something had been left in the bathroom.
On this occasion, once …
How Recovering People-Pleasers Can Discover What They Really Want
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho
People-pleasers regularly subvert their own needs for the needs of others. We spend years saying “yes” when we mean “no,” signing up for commitments we’d rather avoid, and occupying our minds with others’ desires.
When we finally clear out the clutter to put ourselves first, we look around at the empty space, bewildered, with endless questions. What do we want? What does true happiness look like for us? What would a life lived on our own terms be like?
For me, these questions once …
Why I Focus on the Now Instead of What I Want for the Future
“The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Dass
I want you to go back to New Year’s Day 2009 with me for a second. I’d recently left a job and was embarking upon a new career, one in which I was self-employed.
I pulled out all the stops and created a vision board that contained all of the things: how much money I wanted to earn, how I wanted to dress, where I wanted to vacation, how I wanted to eat, and everything else I could think of. I thought if I created this …
How I Overcame Childhood Emotional Neglect and Learned to Meet My Needs
“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” ~Mitch Albom
“Your feelings are valid,” said my life coach during one of our sessions, as we were working on an issue I had with my parents.
I had to do a double take. My feelings are valid? She actually accepts them as they are?
Eventually it started to dawn on me: My parents never validated my feelings. This sudden revelation earlier this year threw me into a dark period of my life.
When I was …
How to Honor Your Sensitivity (Because It’s Actually a Strength)
“The opposite of sensitive is not ‘tough.’ It’s insensitive. Sensitivity is a gift. Let’s nurture it, not squash it.” ~Glennon Doyle
I would run no matter how much snow and ice there was, no matter how tired I was or how much my joints hurt. Even if I was hungover. It didn’t matter. Sometimes I would be in incredible pain, but I wouldn’t stop.
I worked as a tree planter in the summers and got paid per tree. I would push as hard as possible, sometimes planting as many as 3,000 trees in one day. And, not surprisingly, I had …
How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me
“A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.” ~Laurie Helgoe
Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?
For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a peaceful, …
Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire
“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker
I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.
I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels …
How I Prioritize and Take Care of Myself Without Feeling Selfish
“I am worthy of the best things in life, and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it.” ~Louise Hay
Looking back on my life, I see that for a long time I struggled to take care of my own wants and needs and didn’t make them a priority. I used to find that very uncomfortable, and sometimes even selfish. I was a master of giving, but I faced serious obstacles to receiving.
By nature, I am a nurturer. I find tremendous joy and fulfillment in giving, so the old me used to offer plenty of time and energy to …
Addicted to Helping: Why We Need to Stop Trying to Fix People
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron
After college, I was hustling hard to get a work visa so that I could stay in the US.
But then my mom got caught up in a political scandal, and without much reflection on how much this would alter my life’s plans, I dropped my dream of staying in America, drove 1,000 miles, and flew another 500 to be by her side.
Would she have crumbled without me there? My mama is a tough chick, so I highly doubt it.
But …
Your Anger is a Guide: Embrace It and Set Yourself Free
“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle
In the sixth year of marriage, my husband shocked me by telling me that he had decided on an open marriage. This would give him permission to do what he was already doing, having an affair.
In one of my rare times of anger I argued and struggled with him. I can still see myself hitting him in the chest as he tried to put his arms around me to reassure me of his love.
As he defended his position, he reminded me that I wasn’t being rational. I …
Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky
Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?
Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy, but you kept saying, “But I love him/her. Isn’t that enough?”
I know how it feels to believe this. I have felt this more times than I care to admit. The worst was when I fell in love with my ex-husband. He was twelve years my junior, from another country (Greece), and barely spoke English.
Our souls connected immediately, and I fell in …
It’s Okay to Cry
“We need never be ashamed of our tears.” ~Charles Dickens
We have all cried, all of us, some more than others.
But today I am not here to divide us by the liters of tears we have shed.
Today I want to unite us because we are all the same.
We all feel sad, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated at times.
Any stay-at-home parent would understand my frustration, my misery, and my overwhelmed days.
It has eaten me up on the inside. I have been staying at home for the past seven years, looking after my kids, with no face-to-face …
How to Confront Someone When You’re Afraid of Conflict
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict.” ~Dorothy Thompson
I used to think that in order to live a completely peaceful existence, there could never be any conflict in my life, so I would do anything possible to avoid it.
That included selling myself short, never sticking up for myself, and effectively compromising my value. That didn’t seem like the road to peace.
The odd time I did say something, it still felt like a losing situation because I never felt I actually gained anything.
Conflict scared me. It made …
3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Self-Worth (And How to Stop)
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
Self-worth comes from knowing that you are enough, just as you are. You are inherently worthy, and you don’t need anyone else’s approval.
I didn’t always hold myself in high regard, or treat myself with the respect I deserved. I’m now in my thirties and live a beautiful life filled with self-love, kindness, and passion, but in my younger years I suffered from low self-worth.
I had my fair share of life lessons and allowed myself to be treated poorly.
I begged for …
10 Powerful Practices to Take Good Care of Yourself
“You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.” ~Neil Gaiman
I discovered my spiritual path early. As a teenager I would read my mother’s self-help books. I spent most of my twenties actively pursuing self-development by studying, attending workshops, and going on retreats all over the world.
At the time, I thought I was searching for happiness and inner peace. I see now that I bought into a rigid idea of what a ‘spiritual person’ was and tried to live up to that.
My inner world was not happy or peaceful. The way I treated myself was far …
The Power of “No”: Better Boundaries Lead to a Better Life
“’No’ is a complete sentence.” ~Anne Lamott
When I went to counseling for the first time, my therapist told me I needed better boundaries. I had no idea what he was talking about, and although the book he lent me on the subject helped a little, I still didn’t really get it.
I tried here and there to integrate the few concepts I’d picked up from the book into my life, but mostly I stayed away from anything that could be considered boundary setting, as I still couldn’t quite figure out what it meant.
A decade after my first introduction …
9 Basic Needs We Have to Meet to Feel Happy and Alive
“No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for ‘we’ are the only thinkers in our mind. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.” ~Louise L. Hay
Seven years ago I felt a tangible sense of despondency about where my life was heading.
Having ended a six-year relationship, I found myself alone, feeling isolated, often with only a bottle of wine (or two) for company on a weekend. For the first time ever I wondered if I had depression.
After weeks of feeling helpless and …
How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins
I highly value being loyal, honest, empathetic, and supportive. I am also partial to advocating for the underdog. As a result, I have historically attempted to be a ‘hero’ in situations of difficulty, tension, conflict, or stress.
I take pride in being the person who others can turn to for support, guidance, and empathy after an upsetting experience.
When a friend was going through a troublesome period, I literally dropped everything to race to her and give her a hand. …
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