fbpx
Menu

Posts tagged with “toxic”

What I Know About Healing Now That I’ve Ended Contact with My Mom

By

“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us.” ~Daniell Koepke 

If someone had asked me a year ago if I would ever cut contact with my mom, my answer would have been a definite no.

After reconnecting with my dad in 2020 (we didn’t speak for over eleven years), I …

How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship and Know When It’s Time to Leave

By

“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.” ~Rumi

Have you ever found yourself questioning the health of your relationship, unsure if what you’re experiencing is normal or if it’s veering into toxic territory? It’s a common dilemma that many of us face at some point in our lives.

But how do we know when it’s time to walk away?

Toxic relationships can be insidious, often starting out innocently enough before gradually morphing into something destructive and harmful. The warning signs may be subtle at first, but they can become impossible to ignore over time.

Flashback to 2016, I …

How to Break the Cycle of Painful, Dramatic Relationships

By

“No matter how far we come, our parents are always in us.” ~Brad Meltzer

Had you asked me five years ago, before my healing and personal growth journey began, if my upbringing and childhood wounds were shaping the choices I was making in relationships, I would have scoffed at you and said, “No way. Are you kidding?”

Somehow, I had normalized the dysfunction I grew up in: the absentee father, the mother with mental illness, the lack of stability and safety, the enmeshment and codependency, the attachment wounds that left me spending a lifetime searching for someone or something to …

Why I Give Without Expectations (and Don’t Think It’s a “Toxic Trait”)

By

“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.” ~Bianca Sparacino  

I recently came across a …

The Friend I Couldn’t Fix: A Story of Love, Loss and Letting Go

By

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of domestic violence and may be triggering to some.

“You can’t heal the people you love. You can’t make choices for them. You can’t rescue them.” ~Unknown

Every story starts at the beginning. But how far back should I go? Birth?

I was born at Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Camden, New Jersey, in May of 1972…just after three in the morning.

No, wait. That’s not morning. It’s still dark outside.

Forgive me. That’s an inside joke.

You see, just a few years ago a friend of thirty years came to …

The Allure of Unhealthy, One-Sided Friendships and How I’ve Let Them Go

By

“The real test of friendship is can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?” ~Eugene Kennedy 

I could not. When I was with them, we had to be doing something. That is why I didn’t see it. I kept myself too busy to see or feel what was happening.

It was the panic attack during a long-distance drive home that should have been the sign that something was very wrong.

I didn’t see or expect that my choice of friendships was ruining my mental health and, …

Provoking a Reaction

By

The Agony of Anxious Attachment and How to Attract Better Relationships

By

“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be looking for someone else to fill the void inside you, but no one will ever be able to do it.” ~Lori Deschene

There are four attachment styles including anxious, avoidant, anxious/avoidant, and secure.

Attachment theory teaches us that the way in which we attach ourselves to our romantic partner mimics the relationship we had with our primary caregivers growing up.

So, if you were like me and had parents who were not physically or emotionally present, you grew up feeling a void within yourself and always worrying if you were lovable. Because …

10 Signs You’re in a Toxic, Unhealthy Relationship and How to Help Yourself

By

“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly…the lover alone possesses his gift of love.” ~Toni Morrison

Not all relationships are created equal. Some rage in like a storm and leave you far weaker than you were before. As you try to process the wreck that is now your reality, you wonder, how did I end up here?

I found myself in a toxic and addicting relationship in my mid-late twenties. Now that some time has passed and allowed for reflection, I want to pass on some signs …

How I Found Peace and Self-Love After a Toxic Relationship

By

“Bravery is leaving a toxic relationship and knowing that you deserve better.” ~Unknown

When my marriage ended, it left a huge void that I desperately needed to fill, and quickly.

Along with my divorce came the unbearable feelings of rejection and being unlovable. To avoid these feelings, fill the void, and distract myself, I turned to dating. And it turns out, it was much too soon.

What seemed like a harmless distraction soon became what I needed to feel wanted and loved. This was a way to avoid doing the harder work of learning to love myself instead of needing …

Dear Everyone Who Tells Me I Should Reconcile with My Parents

By

“You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.” ~Unknown

You might think I’m a monster because I don’t have a relationship with my parents. I don’t spend holidays with them; I don’t call them and reminisce; they don’t know pertinent details about my life, my friends, my family, my work, or even the person I have become. Do these facts shock you?

It is possible that you have only known loving, supportive parents. Parents who …

My Mother’s Abuse and the Two Things That Have Helped Me Heal

By

“I love when people that have been through hell walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire.” ~Stephanie Sparkles

I have a tattoo on my back of Charles Bukowski’s quote “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” It spoke to me as I had been walking, often crawling, through a fire for much of my life.

At times, I took different paths, skipping through fields of flowers, but eventually I would find my way back to what I knew, which gave me a strange sense of comfort—the fire …

Sick of Toxic Relationships? Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

By

“There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” ~José N. Harris

Letting go of relationships that impact your well-being and make you feel unsafe may seem like a simple act for many, but for those of …

Toxic Masculinity and the Harmful Standards We’re All Expected to Meet

By

Recently I woke up uncharacteristically early for a Saturday to meet a friend and her baby for coffee. I am embarrassed to say that by “uncharacteristically early” I mean 8:30am, which is not that early. I get it.

As I walked by two chipper twenty-something-year-old girls in skintight leggings either in route to or on their way back from a workout class, I found my mind reeling.

Why is it that I see so many more women in New York City whenever I wake up early on the weekends? Why do they seem so much more productive than men?

I …

Ending My Toxic Relationship with My Mother Was an Act of Self-Love

By

“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone

I was taught to love my family and to just accept the love they give. With the passage of time and the dawning of maturity, I began to doubt this kind of unquestioning love. The chronic emotional and mental stress …

How to Cope with a Toxic and Estranged Family Relationship

By

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.” ~Unknown

You two are family. Maybe you grew up with them and were by their side for a huge chunk of their life. There was a lot of laughing, crying, and sharing. Some fighting too.

You know how their brain works probably better than anyone else. But sometimes, in adulthood, those closest to you can become unrecognizable—estranged, cold, and careless. For no apparent reason, you find yourself shut out of their life. Your peace-feelers are increasingly rejected. You’ve been left out in the cold.…

Why It’s Not Your Fault You’re in a Toxic Relationship

By

I remember the first time it dawned on me that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Not just one that was difficult and annoying but one that could actually be described as “toxic.”

It was at a training event for a sexual abuse charity I worked for. I immediately felt like a fraud!

How could I be working there, helping other women get out of their unhealthy relationships and process their pain and trauma, but not realize how unhealthy my own relationship was?

How did I not know?

Typically, as I had always done, I beat myself up over …

How to Trust Yourself After the Trauma of Being Dismissed and Invalidated

By

“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.” ~Steve Jobs

I was a sensitive child growing up, and I felt everything deeply. Unfortunately, my childhood home was dominated by chronic tension, fear, and anger—not an ideal environment for anyone, let alone a perceptive and empathic child.

My father was rather authoritative and controlling, and he disciplined us harshly. I was raised to obey without questioning and punished for mistakes or not falling in line.

Love was only assumed but never shared, and so I grew up feeling alone, unsupported, …

Toxic Help: 3 Signs Your Support Is Doing More Harm Than Good

By

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ~John Holmes

As someone who people often come to seeking help or advice, I recently encountered a new situation for me: one in which I chose to stop helping someone and walk away entirely because I determined it wasn’t good—for the other person or myself.

It felt like the wrong thing to do, but once I had some distance, I knew I had made the right decision. Throughout the helping, I soldiered on and helped and helped and helped until it no longer felt good, …

How to Spot Abusive People and Stop Getting into Toxic Relationships

By

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

When it comes to dating, I have always been drawn to people who made me work for their love and validation. Despite the fact that I, like anyone else, wish to be with somebody that loves and supports me, I have always somehow managed to attract the opposite.

My relationship history has been fraught with rejection, feeling unworthy, and trying harder to win love and approval. Every time I felt criticized or undervalued, I would look inward and ask myself what I could do to make my …