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All my relationships have been a failure, i feel like an embarrassment

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
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  • #291985
    prudence
    Participant

    Hello everyone , i have been struggling whether to post this or not , but i need help .

    I have another thread written “baby daddy problems”.

    So after i broke up with my baby daddy on 2018 may, i met a man while my son was 6 months old, our relationship was good , he was fun , made me laugh and he said we should take things slow, we never had sex the whole 2018.

    He stays in a city away from my town, so every time we plan that i should visit , he would always make an excuse, like on September 2018 , we plan that i should visit , then he stopped talking to me until 31st December, i used to call him everyday during this 3 months of silence but he never answered, so when he answer on the 31st i felt happy and relieved.

    Then this year he came home, we had sex this time, after we had sex , our relationship was okay , until he got back.

    I saw pictures of women in his phone , but i never confronted him coz i didn’t want to sound insecure. I also saw a video of a woman and a baby, but when i wanted to watch it. He immediately deleted it, it pained me , but i never wanted to ruin the time we were having, so i let it go.

    Last week we were planning that i should come to his place today , he said he hasn’t got paid yesterday. and today he stopped picking his call, and ignoring me on whatsapp

    Last night i was busy calling him , wanting to ask him what time he will send the money since its late, he ignored my call , and replied late that he haven’t got paid, he stopped the conversation. today i sent him a message saying “you’ve said enough” on WhatsApp. He just read it and ignored me

    I just need to ask what you think of this guy, what is wrong with me, what do i do wrong in relationships, i feel like a failure because every time i try to be in a relationship i always fail. the relationship never lasts, maybe i am too clingy, i am confused, how can i be content alone, how do i move forward from this.

    #291995
    Mark
    Participant

    prudence,

    You did not say how old you are.  You are sad and confused about this relationship and your past relationships.

    Have you tried to being on your own for a while, i.e. without a romantic partner/boyfriend?  I suggest you do that for it will give you the experience, the confidence, the emotional strength to know you can stand on your own two feet without having to depend on someone else to validate you, to prop you up.

    You have a young child so between taking care of him/her and making a living, I would think that is pretty consuming.  Do you have a circle of friends?  Things that you are interested in, e.g. crafts?  exercise/sports?  volunteer work?  art?  hiking?  school?

    Learn more about yourself by looking at all your relationships and find out what are some of the common denominators that are in each one of them.  What are the characteristics of the men you attract?

    Good luck,

    Mark

    #291997
    Valora
    Participant

    First I want to note that failing in a relationship does not make you a failure. MOST relationships fail, no matter who you are. That’s just how life is. It’s hard to find someone who will be compatible for the long haul, even with the relationships that start out wonderfully and seem perfect.  So please don’t measure your self-worth (especially to the point you feel embarrassed) on relationship failures because that really has no bearing on your worth, I promise.

    I don’t think it’s that you’re doing something wrong, per se. I think this was just the wrong guy for you. So maybe the only thing wrong you did here was continue to want to be with him after he ghosted you for 3 months. When guys do that, that’s a clue that they don’t deserve your love and to move on. It’s better to just leave those guys in the past.

    What I would suggest is just taking time to yourself and figuring out what you REALLY want in a relationship. How do you want to be treated? Do you want a guy whose actions line up with his words? If so, write that down. Do you want him to be loving and affectionate or do you prefer less affection? There’s no real wrong answer here if you’re being true to what would make you happy. You don’t have to make specific physical characteristics because sometimes we don’t really know what we want in that arena, but you should definitely know your dealbreakers… and I think ghosting (where someone stops talking to you for months, weeks, or even several days at at time) should be one of them. Then don’t settle for less than that.  It’s not YOU, it’s the guys you’re choosing.

    Also, you can learn to be content alone by finding things that give you the same feelings that guys do. Connect with and do fun things with friends. Read interesting novels. Get some new hobbies that you really enjoy. Use the time when you’re single to develop who you are and figure out what you want, and it’s likely the right person will come to you at some point or you’ll just have a chance meeting… but you have to be clear on what you will and won’t settle for.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    #292029
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear prudence:

    Welcome back!

    “what do  I do wrong in relationships”, you wrote.

    Here is something wrong that you did: “I saw pictures of women in his phone,  but I never confronted him coz I didn’t want to sound insecure”-

    You should have asked him: who are these women in your phone, you should have confronted him that way, so to get information about what you saw. It is not about you being insecure, it is about the reality of these women in his phone.

    In other words, it is wrong, or a better word, ineffective to ignore reality. Better confront reality.

    If you asked him about those women, maybe he  would have told you the truth and maybe he would have lied, but even if he lied, you would have the opportunity to ask yourself if his answer makes sense or not. You could have gotten information from him even if what he  would have told you was a lie.

    “I also saw a video of a woman and a baby, but I wanted to watch it. He immediately deleted it, it pained me, but I never wanted to ruin the time we were having, so I let it go”-

    – same principle, better confront reality. When we ignore reality because it is unpleasant and we don’t want it to be reality, it does not go away. Reality doesn’t accommodate our denial of it.

    I didn’t understand the part about the money and him being paid..?

    anita

    #292035
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi prudence

    Do I understand correctly that he ghosting you for three months and that for those three months you continued to call him everyday?

    The question I might ask myself if the above is true is why I don’t think I deserve to be treated better then that?

     

    #292081
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Mark

    Thank you for your reply, i am 22.  I have a son, i have never been single for too long like maybe a year.

    All of my exes , some are closed off, some just literally cheat on me .

    I was in college now i finished and i am unemployed, i feel useless, and maybe i get clingy in a relationship because i have nothing to do , my 2 exes before my baby daddy , both cheated on me and date a girl from my res, after i found out , they continue seeing those girls in front of me, i think that’s what made me clingy in my other relationships

    #292083
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Valora , thank you for your reply

    Yes i want a man whose words line up with actions, i want him to be affectionate. You are right i was the wrong one by continuing with him after he ghost me, the guy is just words not actions and that’s a complete deal breaker for me.

    But i am afraid to be alone, i am unemployed it will be difficult for me to find new hobbies without money, all i do is just watch TV which later drains my energy, i feel useless and like an embarrassment since i never had any relationship that i can say was good , i feel like a failure in life in general, like the worst was only made for me, nothing best, the only blessing i have is my son, the other things are worst, worst things that always happen to me.

    #292085
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Anita. Thank you for your reply, you are right i was the one who was wrong by ignoring red flags

     

    About him being paid, he said he will be paid on the 30 of April so i will come on the first of May, so on the 30th he was supposed to send me money for transport but he didn’t answer his phone when i called.

    I then sent him a message on WhatsApp saying hello, what time are you gonna send the money coz its already late, he read and didn’t reply, i sent him another text asking him if the money is not enough i will understand, since its hard because it will be me and my son, and baby needs a lot of things, so he replied no, its not that its just that the money didn’t go in , and i replied OK, then the conversation ended.

    Yesterday he didn’t even text me, i called him he didn’t answer or even get back to me , so i sent him text on WhatsApp saying “you said enough today” he logged in and read it and even now he never replied.

    #292087
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Peter

    Thank you for your reply but i do not understand your question

    #292117
    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora , thank you for your reply

    Yes i want a man whose words line up with actions, i want him to be affectionate. You are right i was the wrong one by continuing with him after he ghost me, the guy is just words not actions and that’s a complete deal breaker for me.

    But i am afraid to be alone, i am unemployed it will be difficult for me to find new hobbies without money, all i do is just watch TV which later drains my energy, i feel useless and like an embarrassment since i never had any relationship that i can say was good , i feel like a failure in life in general, like the worst was only made for me, nothing best, the only blessing i have is my son, the other things are worst, worst things that always happen to me.

    I’m so glad you realized that’s a dealbreaker from you and hopefully you can move on from this guy and find one who will treat you in a more respectful and caring way.

    As for being alone and without a lot of money, there are plenty of hobbies that don’t require a ton of money. I’m a single mom with 2 kids, so I get how it feels to not have extra money for things.  Hobbies can be anything from reading books (do you have a local library that allows free membership?), writing blogs, taking walks in nature (trails in the woods or a local park, whatever is outdoors and available for you). I’m not sure how old your son is, but I used to love to kick a soccer ball around with my daughter at the park or climb the slides and swing with her, too.

    If you aren’t sure where to start, just Google something like “low-cost hobbies” or “free hobbies” and see what you can come up with for ideas. Try new things. This is EXACTLY why you should stay single right now, because now is the time for you to figure these things out… because it’s also important when you’re in a relationship that you have your own separate hobbies that you can do so that you don’t become codependent in a relationship (which sets a relationship up for failure, basically, even when your partner is also codependent).

    If you feel like a failure right now… the good news is that you can change that, but it’s going to take effort. You just have to start trying different things until you find the things you really enjoy… and you’ll know it when you find them because you’ll feel lighthearted and happy and time will just fly by when you do those things. Your mood and feelings about yourself will naturally start to improve as you find and do more of the things you really enjoy.

    I’d also definitely spend less time watching TV. That’s been shown to make people feel exactly the way you do, even when watching interesting shows.  Even just finding a book series is a better way to pass time and feel good afterwards.  I love the young adult dystopian ones, like the Hunger Games, as well as self-help books. My mom and sister like the romance novels. Maybe you can find a series you really enjoy, too. There’s a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis that people rave over and that one might be helpful for you, too, and you might be able to find it in a free library because it’s been out for a while.

    #292135
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear prudence:

    There was a plan that you and you travel to visit him September 2018 but he stopped calling and didn’t answer your calls Sept- Dec 31, 2018, “3 moths of silence”.

    When he called Dec 31, 2018, you “felt happy and relieved”.

    Early 2019 he visited you and had sex with you. Late April this year there was a plan, again, that you and your baby visit him May 1, but again, he “stopped picking his calls, and ignoring (you) on WhatsApp” and later replied that he didn’t get paid and therefore can’t send you the money to visit him.

    You wrote that you are 22, a mother of a young son, done with college, unemployed, watch a lot of TV, “feel useless and like an embarrassment.. a failure in life in general” and that “worst things .. always happen to me”.

    My input today: this man didn’t want to spend the money for your transportation and visit to his city. But he knows where you live, so next time he happens to be where you live, he may very well call you or text you and suggest to spend time together, have sex.

    My questions to you, if I may:

    1. Do you think that you will feel, again, “happy and relieved” that he called you,  and have sex with him, again?

    2. Your username prudence means to be makes wise choices. What will be the wise choice for you to make when he is in your area and calls you, asking you to get together again, and why would it be the wise choice?

    anita

     

    #292149
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    Thank you for your kind And encouraging words, i will definitely look for that book, and try new things that cost less, thank you for your suggestions

    #292153
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your reply

    1. I won’t feel relieved at all, last time he ignored me i felt like i did something wrong, i thought i was too clingy , i think i pushed him away

    2. A wise choice for me.  Is to not give him the chance to even talk to me, i will Make it clear to him, that he is dead to me.

    It is true, i feel like Maybe he stays with some where he works, but i am not sure, and i think him and his baby mama didn’t really break up

    Oh i forgot this, before he ghost me, we were planning i should visit and then i posted a picture of us on Facebook a day before, making our relationship official, he got so angry saying his baby mama is angry, she will take him to court because he have another child (my son) i found his reason dodgy but i thought i was just over thinking, but hey i was stupid and a fool to let another man play me like this

    #292163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear prudence:

    This man is not your son’s father but he was afraid that his child’s mother will make a mistake, thinking that your child is also his, did I understand correctly?

    I like your answers to my questions. Better never again “let another man play (you)” in any way. At least, you can make sure that the chances that another man plays you are minimal.

    “All my relationships have been a failure”, is in the title of your thread, but notice: most relationships in the world fail, often people break up and many of those that continue are quite miserable a lot of the time.

    But there is a whole lot you can do to  maximize your chances to  have a successful relationship in the future if you pay attention and not close your eyes wishing-and-hoping it will turn out well, then, because your eyes are closed, you bump into a wall and it is over.

    First step is to get to know a man before getting physically involved with him. Get to know him, see if he is decent. There are such men, and you need only one.

    Do you have contact with your parents/ family and is any of it good?

    anita

    #292169
    prudence
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes, he was afraid that his baby mama will think my son is his son. So he said he needed some time to get his self together, i gave him the space he needed.

    I stay with my mom, when she and my dad met, he was married , even after she got pregnant with me, he never left his wife, so he stays with his family

    We are 4 on my mother’s side and each one of us have their own father, i don’t blame my mom for this, i think she just continued looking for an ideal man who can love her and marry her someday, just like i never gave up on love even after i was hurt so many times.

    I find it hard for me to move on  and to be alone, i want so much affection

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

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