Dear Lindsey:

As I read your most recent post, I am listening to Whitney Houston’s Run to You. I don’t know if listening to this song will make you feel better or worse, I just happen to love this song: “I want to run to you.. ohh.. but if I come to you.. ahhh.. tell me, will you stay or will you run awayyyyy??? Run.. away.. I need you here to wipe away my tears, to  kiss away my fears… How much I want to run to you… ooh.. will you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm..?

Isn’t this beautiful.. the yearning we have to run to someone who will keep us safe from harm..?

Anyway, back to reality, Shawn ain’t the one for you to run to! I like your “bird LOL”- another one of Lindsey’s LOLs and I know therefore that Lindsey is okay.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Emotional hurt is more than bruising a leg. About putting yourself in the same position again and again.. and again.. I did too. There is a term for it, the compulsion to repeat, or the repetition compulsion.

Something positive to tell you.. let me think.. Here is a saying: “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future“- and by forgiving I mean: forgive yourself for the again-and-again part, for the compulsion to repeat: no reason for you to feel bad about yourself because the compulsion to repeat is not specific to you, it’s a Human Compulsion.. everyone is compelled to repeat this or that, and often it’s bad or ineffective behaviors that are repeated. Mine currently is procrastination. If you forgive yourself for being human, you are less likely to repeat and .. the future will indeed be different for you!

anita

You are welcome, Lindsey, anytime.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Keep going with the legal stuff in regard to the ex with the goal being making your life as a co-parent easier, as easy and smooth as possible.. and making your kids’ lives better for it!

In regard to Marty, so glad that you are talking to someone.. so normal. Good thing. It is possible that part reason why you are not anxious about him is that you are still on vacation. Let me know of any developments with Marty: let’s say you get distressed and you are just about to act or react to him in a way that you may later regret: talk to me first, tell me about it, will you?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Good to read from you before the weekend, thank you for wishing that I enjoy my weekend: I would like that! I remember you enjoying Halloween in years past, and I hope this coming Halloween is exciting and enjoyable for you and the kids, and that tomorrow night dinner and football is enjoyable for you (Utah vs Oregon State, is it?)

Regarding Marty, you wrote: “I’m not sure if this is good or bad but about 50% of me thinks  if he quits texting I would be glad or not really care… with my brain acting healthy-I don’t even know if I will be attracted to Marty.  His behavior is not causing a unhealthy preoccupation that ignores if I am attracted“-

– I just posted to another member regarding the repetition compulsion in romantic relationships:  the compulsion to be attracted to and become preoccupied with a difficult romantic interest because he reminds us of a difficult parent. We then try to change the man  from an unavailable and/ or an uncaring man into an available and caring man. We are driven by a desire to change an unavailable and uncaring parent to an available and caring parent .. using the man as a substitute to the parent. Sounds crazy? Yet, it’s real and so very, very common.

So, avoid the repetition compulsion and if Marty is indeed healthy.. he is your chance to finally have a healthy, loving relationship.. try to find the attraction in that!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

It’s raining and windy here, may lose electricity and internet when the winds escalate. Good to read it’s been a fun and relaxing weekend, and that you are thinking of some fun indoor activities with the kids.

About Marty, you said: you are funny=> he asked: why do you think I am funny? =>you answered: because I am interested in you=>he said: I am flattered.

“Alarm bell went off.  I think he should have replied thanks I’m flattered I’m interested in you too“- a false alarm at this point: you can’t expect a person to say exactly what you want them to say. When he said that he was flattered, at that point, it didn’t mean that he was not interested in you. Unless a person is a lawyer in a courtroom, people generally do not think about making each sentence they say 100% complete and accurate, covering all possibilities.

Next, you said something=> he said: you are overthinking…=> he said: I” drive down to meet you but I can’t commit past that because I am not sure if I will like you. I am guessing within this part of the conversation you expressed your alarm, expressing some dissatisfaction with his answer earlier (that he was flattered)?

“He should of said that we both may not like each other…Another alarm bell.  I realized the vibe I was getting was arrogance”- maybe another false alarm, for the same reason as above: people don’t normally complete their thoughts, producing a 100% complete and accurate sentence.

Next, you said: yes I over think, you can decide if you want to deal with it or not and I’m kind of done with the conversation for the night=>  didn’t hear back from him.

“I wonder if I handled the end correctly”- doesn’t sound like you handled any of the conversation that you expressed here correctly, although I am not sure because I don’t have the whole conversation in front of me. Reads like you had the unreasonable expectation that he would say just what you wanted or needed him to say, that you unreasonably expected any one sentence of him to be very complete and accurate, and that you were not tolerant or patient with him.. just speaking to him. Maybe he started feeling that he had to walk on eggshells with you, having to say things just right so to not get your alarms activated?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

The two things can be both true at the same time: that you overreacted to what Marty said (or as I’d put it, you reacted to your unrealistic expectation that a person will say just what you think he should say), and that he is not looking for the commitment that you are interested in. I am glad you have a male friend who is right about the men you dated… I think you mentioned him before.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

This mediation process, the goal is to make your communication with the ex as minimal as can be, with minimal distress for you and for the kids, whatever it takes!

I like the idea of you using a dating app as an experiment to see how quickly you can recognize red flags and get out of undesirable situations in a healthy way. It can also be an experiment in you recognizing (over time and following a lengthy communication)- a decent man: imperfect but decent.. and then staying in a desirable situation with such a man, in a healthy way!

anita