Anita,

Very busy and very tired right now.  Trying to get ready for mediation and lots going on a work.  We are going back to the office next Tuesday-Thursday and I’m trying to change some of my schedule and find a dog sitter.

I have a friend and I’m not sure I have spoke about him very much.  He is only 27 but has been a great friend to me.  Because he is a guy and likes the ladies-he has also given me advice about guys I liked.  He has usually been right about them.  However, I’m getting a little sick of his advice.  I’m starting realize that his advice gives me anxiety.  It also tends to hurt my feelings.  I cannot really explain the reasons why.  he can be harsh with his words in general.  But he can also be extremely nice and helpful.  he has said in the past that he has a large crush on me.

What worries me is he’s right about things but I also think he is jealous. Can that cloud his judgement?

I met someone named Jason last week and we have continued to talk and have met up a few times.  I’ve never even come close to kissing him.  Now right away my friend said no he just wants to hook up.  So then I went on a spiral of course. When I talked to Jason he asked why would I think that because I don’t strike him as the hook up type.  He said that if he didn’t like me would wouldn’t ask me to come and casually hang out with him.  He talks about things in the future etc.

Lindsey

Anita,

I need to add some things that I did not mention before.  I just read my message to you yesterday and your response again.

I am going to work this weekend on getting notes together for mediation discussion which is next Friday.  The kids and I may go to the zoo tomorrow or Sunday.  It’s cold here, 30’s up to 50’s but will be warmer this weekend.  I’m glad we can do things and there are no sports practice or games.  Going to the zoo is one of my favorite things to do.

Ok. So. The last two times I met Jason I took the least amount of benzo as possible. The size was like a large crumb.  I took it because I was nervous..  Anita I felt like what it would be like to not have an anxiety disorder. It was awesome really.  But guess what- for 2 days I felt like I had a hangover.  I had increased anxiety-it was pretty bad.  It was like this is the cost for me to be normal.  And I can’t really do it anymore. Who wants a hangover?  I started thinking and I had just filled a new perscription a few months ago because the old one had been expired.  Which means I had been using the old expired bottle  as needed for probably a year.  Which would explain the hangover.  The meds in the old bottle were not very strong.

Also-my friend does tell me to stay away from men in general.  He says that I need someone who is not good looking and not good with the ladies because they will be the nice guys.  He basically said there is no one out there for me.

Lindsey

Anita,

Good point regarding my friend.  No he is not attractive.  He talks constantly about other women and….goes to their house for a little bit and leaves after getting his needs met.  But here is the thing-I have no proof that he actually does any of these things that he talks all the time about.  And he has a girlfriend that he lives with.

Now someone said on social media that you should not take advice from someone who is not in a healthy relationship or treats their partner fairly.  So has he been correct in the past about men I’ve dated?  Yes. But does that mean he will be right every time?  I just don’t know.  I’m trying to take one day at a time.  I’m making a list of what I should and should not do.  I’m trying not to have expectations and create sceneros in my head.  I just want something to go right for me even if it doesn’t work out.  I want to be happy with my decision.

Lindsey

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

I wouldn’t ask for any relationship advice from your 27-year old friend. He isn’t qualified because deceiving his live-in girlfriend, he has failed his relationship with her, so failing his own romantic relationship, he is not qualified to advise you on yours. I can see that this 27-year-old is not a decent person, but I don’t yet see that Jason is not decent.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Why does his opinion matter to me so much anyway causing anxiety?“- Maybe (?) because he said he has a huge crush on you, and that makes you feel special.. and you don’t want to disappoint him and lose his crush/ his thinking of you as someone special?

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

I don’t like the word “losers”.. what if your 27-year-old friend is a .. loser, whatever it means.. he may as well  be.. what if we are all losers.. after all, we do lose a whole lot in life.. I have.. we all do. Thing is, see to it that in any personal relationship, you are dealing with a person who is honest with you.. a person who tells you  his truth best he knows it to be, and see to it that he matches his words with action, that he treats you with respect. If you are not sure if you are being treated respectfully, describe the man’s behavior to me- I’ll be glad to give you my understanding, or better said, I’ll be glad to figure out with you what his behavior means.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Who really cares at the end of the day”- what a profound sentence, fitting an epiphany! It is now 3:13 pm, my time and I will be leaving soon for a long walk and some social event, will be back to your thread Sat morning, in about .. 15 hours from now. Have a restful Friday evening, Lindsey!

anita

Dear Anita + Lindsey,

this below is crucial – and how interesting as it has been over a year that I have been on this forum chatting with Anita

“There is a good chance this guy will not end up being able to meet my emotional needs“-there is a 100% chance that he will not be able to meet all of your emotional needs, not even most. Same is true in my case: no one can meet most or all of my emotional needs. This is the case because I grew up with too much emptiness, for so long.. that the emptiness took hold inside me, and there are too many dreams unlived, too many desires unfulfilled.. for too long”

The The emptiness that comes from various condition such as having an unfulfilling childhood, and unloving mother, and so forth is lifelong. Often we utilize a romantic interest/spouse as a means to fill that void subconsciously. Even the most educated and self-aware of us do this given that filling such a hole and avoid is essential to finding any sort of true feeling of safety in life, let alone joy. It is important to see as above that this person, nor any person can truly fulfill you, but if they are dedicated to getting to know the authentic you, and you are as well – That is good enough,  good enough means that in this crazy world with so many of us having history of trauma that leads to present anxiety, to find a person that’s willing to grow with you, to know the real you, to help you know the real you. That is what it’s about.