Hi,

I’m reaching out because I feel what  I’m currently experiencing is anticipatory grief about my mum. I’m short, my mum suffers with frontal lobe dementia. There is no cure for this. She was officially diagnosed last August, but my brothers and I feel it’s been going on for much much longer. After a long battle of caregiving, she is now in a hospital facility while the hospital finds an appropriate home. She’s 62, very mobile and independent, which makes placing my mum in a home so young, difficult. She phones me up to 30 times a day asking to leave, can I take her out etc… It’s heartbreaking. I’m in work when she phones and it honestly feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.

I’ve  been reading a lot recently about grief and the grief cycle. I was given a information sheet from my brother that for family members and care givers, the grief cycle can be triggered when a parent, partner… etc is diagnosed with this disease. For me right now anticipatory grief is what I’m suffering with. I worry constantly about it being hereditary… is mum ok… is she eating… is she showering… I wish she would stop phoning… which is then met by guilt, anger, pain. All those emotions. I take her out of the hospital for a few hours each Tuesday after work and I cry EVERY time I drop her back off. I’m up, down, left and right. This morning I woke up and I felt so drained and exhausted. I have nothing left in me to give right now, but life… work… and responsibilities don’t care about that.

I guess I’m sharing this to make myself feel better, but to also hear from anyone else who has had any similar experiences. I’m doing my best right now not to isolate myself from everything, but on days like today it’s really hard not to.