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Anxiety: The Blur

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  • January 17, 2018 at 9:36 am #187237
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    yes it seems my sister, you and i are all posting at the same time.

    I will think about what you said and let it sink in. You will be proud to know that I have not been bringing my phone to work and I am able to feel more present and productive. I feel like that good student again.

    Also, due to all the postings, I am not sure if you were able to read the post I wrote in my sister’s thread about how her behaviors affect me. i apologize but would like you to read it.

    write soon!

    January 17, 2018 at 9:40 am #187243
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Regarding your most recent post: yes, you are quite aware and as you pointed out this morning, I believe, very intelligent (and so is your sister). The nature of awareness though is such that it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t have an end point when you are aware of all. It is an ongoing process. You are definitely way more aware than C. in the areas she is not aware. She contradicts herself often in ways that are clear and easy to detect, this is serious unawareness.

    anita

    January 17, 2018 at 9:42 am #187247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I just read your … most recent post here, and will go to the other thread in a few moments. And yes, I like it that you are doing better at work, feeling more present and productive, excellent work on your part!

    anita

    January 17, 2018 at 11:52 am #187277
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I find that a lot of people are very unaware – have a lack of emotional intelligence. Honestly, most people i meet. How do I interact with such people? I think I really struggle with this.

    January 18, 2018 at 7:14 am #187385
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    With co workers, incompatible (but not abusive) family members, strangers on the street, neighbors- be socially gracious enough.

    With your sister, do the team work I suggested. w

    With me: keep being as honest and straightforward, a non sugar coater as you have been so far: I invite it and delight in it.

    With future friends and a boyfriend- find those fewer people available who are also Non Sugar Coaters (NSC, acronym just came into being).  You can tell this quickly when meeting a person.

    anita

    January 18, 2018 at 8:13 am #187403
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I understand.

    Today, I have a big presentation. I had one last week and did amazing – got really positive feedback. Because of this, I have a lot of anxiety about today? will it be just as good? The audience for today is much larger as well. My anxiety is off the roof! Here the negative talk comes. The inability to focus. The presentation is in 3 hours!

     

    Also, I love NSC. Maybe i’ll make a painting of it and hang it up. The NSC Club !

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by cali sister.
    January 18, 2018 at 8:49 am #187421
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    To help with the presentation to come, look at your tattoo of not long ago. It says no fear, and has a puppy’s paws in it.

    No Fear. Take a few deep breaths.

    You survived your mother so far. What is a large crowd of strangers in comparison? They are motivated to be nice to you. Hope to read how it goes later.

    anita

    January 18, 2018 at 12:54 pm #187459
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    more so than the strangers, its my own mind. regardless, presentation went fine. public speaking is one of my favorite things. I love being on stage!

    phew, now a little relaxation! (JOKES!!!)

    i do not know if you are logged any more, but if possible, I would like to learn more about you. Anything. Hobbies? We (my sister and I) speak to you so much. It would be interesting for me to hear how someone like you who has gone through so much turmoil is doing right now. How do you see yourself, anita?

    cali sister

    January 18, 2018 at 8:58 pm #187497
    Isaac Wechuli
    Participant

    I also had an anxiety problem but i ended it through realizing that there is a Higher Loving, Intelligent, Power which is in control of my future. Sorry because i love using Christianity as my reference book because it is the main religious book that i always read. However, i a not a religious person…

    Anyway, i believe the Intelligent power created us for a good purpose and its always guiding us to that purpose. Therefore, i ended y anxiety by realizing that the higher power ensures that everything always works for the good. Romans 8:28 -Everyrthing happens for the good for those who love God, those who live according to his purpose.

    I tried using the breathing techniques, living in the now and other mechanical practices to end my anxiety but i failed. I realized that the best way is to trust in the Universe, life, or the higher power. WE haveno control of the future but we can cast our worries to something that created the present, past, and the future. You cant worry if you know that God is control..Psalms 55:22 – Cast Your Cares on the lord and he will sustain you: he will never let his people be shaken

    January 18, 2018 at 9:28 pm #187509
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I also wanted to add that since my mother has told me i am so damaged, i have an even increased pressure to be social and make friends. she has made making friends such a big focus and priority to me that i may even focus more on it that studying for an exam that is important for my career.

    i wanted to touch on this because it is very interesting to see and differentiate the emphasis my mother has put on friends when it comes to me and my sister.

    “i never had friends. make sure you do. it is not good for other people to see you are lonely. maybe when you go to college you can actually make friends. oh, you have no one to hang out with? oh did you go there alone. you have no friends.”

    SO MUCH EMPHASIS on finding people and making sure i have friends. i may have written this before but when our cleaning lady came every Tuesday growing up – my mother would put an insane amount of pressure on me to make sure taylor or rachel were free to come over. “make sure you have a friend when maria comes over. or else it will look bad.” so there i was, scrambling, desperately asking people if they could hang out with me – because i HAD to. not because i wanted to. this is still drilled in me. i feel like i hAVE to. if i did not have plans on a certain night, it automatically made me a loser.

    she also made me feel that not having good friendships was so HORRIBLY SAD – because “oh my, we have such great qualities and there is no one around to even appreciate it.” I used to feel like “wow, I could be such a good friend and I am so fun etc. But no one is even seeing that or able to experience it. this sucks.”

    mother’s words: “oh my daughter cali chica always had so many friends. cali chica is outgoing and laughs so much. cali sister, yeah she has problems with that”

    i always felt like the weird one. the ugly one. the quiet one that no one likes. cali chica – shes the perfect, social, queen. Me? I have “social problems”

    No, I freakin’ don’t mom.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by cali sister.
    January 19, 2018 at 5:46 am #187547
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    About me a bit: I suffered throughout my life from a lot of anxiety and symptoms. My life was hellish with occasional heavenly breaks as in daydreaming. I first landed in the USA when I was close to 25, on my own. Lived in many places throughout Los Angeles County for close to twenty six years, a dysfunctional life, working mostly on a day to day contract, and using my money not for my advantage. I couldn’t stomach spending money on quality psychotherapy, believing I owed my money to my mother (and to my sister) and felt guilty spending it on myself. My health insurance was generous regarding psychiatry, so I took advantage of that and was on heavy psychiatric drugs for 18 years. Was single all through until I met and married my husband 8 years ago and moved north five years ago.

    It was only after marrying my husband (I have no children, he has three adult children from a previous marriage), that I attended quality psychotherapy for the first time in my life. That was in 2011, the beginning of my healing path, ongoing since. Two years later I successfully got off all psychiatric drugs and haven’t been on any since Oct 2013.

    For almost five years I live in a rural area, outside the city limit, off private roads, wooded area, in a house with a huge amount of land. I am not employed and haven’t been employed for seven years. I do not read books or articles online or otherwise (except here and there looking things up in Wikipedia or the like). No TV service, no movies, nothing like that. I start my day on the computer, then I work outside, working the land. I bring wood from the sheds to the inside of the house (heated by wood), and do a lot of other chores, a country living. I also walk 3.5 mile per day along the loop.

    I see myself continuing to heal/ learn, a process that fascinates me. This is my life work, this healing, this learning. This is what I do. I take nothing for granted, do not know my life circumstances an hour from now, a day from now.

    Glad the presentation went well. Regarding your mother’s emphasis on having friends, this is interesting: your mother is not capable of intimacy, not with a friend, not with any of her daughters, not with anyone, is my understanding. For her it is all about Appearance, how it appears to others.

    She has emphasized to you and to your sister not the value of friendships but the appearance of friendships.

    Just like when she told Cali Chica recently, if I remember right, that she cried after a visit, missing her- that was not a result of a relationship intimacy experienced with her daughter, not a result of closeness. But of something else. If you agree, what is it that made your mother cry, do you think, what is the nature of her feelings for you and your sister?

    anita

     

    January 19, 2018 at 10:48 am #187603
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    wow thank you so much for sharing so much about you. I wonder if we will ever cross paths in life – this tiny buddha website has enabled my sister and I to speak with such a beautiful soul (you!)

    When I read about your life, it helps me realize HOW MUCH we really have to heal as humans. Your husband must be a very supportive man, I hope, and am very happy for you. Going through what you have gone through with your mother, what is your relationship like with the current children in you life?

    Your life work is healing. Do you ever crave a social life? (Indulgent activities, in other words, that you have stated you do not participate in) Or straying from your daily routine?

    Remember, your life work is healing – but you are also helping the healing of others. Which is amazing.

    Continuing on with what you said about my mother – APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING. My sister and I were just discussing that so much of our life is governed this concept. and that every little thing is a reflection of who we are as people.

    if i dont get to bring my puppy to the dog park, it automatically makes me a bad person. sometimes it is so hard to focus on just the fact that the puppy is having a good time at the dog park – rather than thinking “ok i did what i had to do. i brought him out so he can get energy out” – everything is a chore and there is always a categorization that comes after it. no way to just be.

    also, i want to add a revelation i came across yesterday. my father and mother have always put so much influence on the outside/the external – as you know. everything is about other people. so for example, with social life, they would always claim “well even if you do not like them, just use them to go shopping and then who cares.” When rather the thought process should be, this person may not be your best friend or the BEST PERSON EVER! – BUT you do enjoy shopping with them – and as you, anita, have taught me we are social beings – SO – if you want to go shopping with this person it may be enjoyable for YOU. it is not about the other person or using them etc. it is just about you.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by cali sister.
    January 19, 2018 at 11:21 am #187617
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    You are welcome and no, I don’t crave more of a social life. At times I enjoy it though, a social event here and there. And there is a dog in my life too. He is the neighbors’ dog, really, Hunter is his name. But he is ours too. He visits daily and we have treats for him. As a matter of fact we have big bags of quality food for him in the pantry. Regarding crossing paths in life, we already have. Thank you for your expressed appreciation.

    You wrote: “no way to just be”- can you imagine, you started life just being. It took some work from your parents to change that.

    You wrote that appearances is everything for your mother and that “every little thing is a reflection of who we are as people”- except for who you truly are. And so, other than superficial aspects of you and your sister, for example, your favorite foods and colors, your physical appearance, the sound of your voices, she doesn’t really know you. I know you way, way more than she does even though I could not recognize you on the street and I don’t know your favorite food.

    Your parents suggested: “just use them”,  (other people, to go shopping). Isn’t it amazing that at least your mother has used her two daughters all along, to your great disadvantage…

    anita

     

     

    January 19, 2018 at 11:24 am #187621
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    January 19, 2018 at 12:08 pm #187627
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i have distinct memories of me growing up, and even now of course, when i go to tell my parents something about myself and they keep talking, change the subject, or there is just silence. so you are absolutely correct in saying that you know me more than them. they truly know nothing about me. i used to always think “if i died today, what would they even say about me. how would they describe me?”

    i sit here at my work desk right now and feel very emotional. am literally tearing. i truly am not sure why. i guess sometimes we just need a good cry.

    i am taking some tissues and i am thinking. ok how do i feel right now? – i feel overwhelmed, alone, lonely, confused, anxious, back pain, wishing why i didn’t feel this way. i am seeing one of my favorite comedians tonight. why am i crying?

    I was doing better with not letting men consume my daily life etc. I saw Alex two days ago. I enjoy the time we have together when we are together. i know he does too. But i dont know why i continue to see him if i know it cannot last. it is painful. and i am almost 87% sure he does not care as much as me. i am an attractive, fun girl to him. it is not as deep for him, i believe. after the last time we hung out, i called him and just told him how i felt. i said could he ever see himself being wtih me? he said, “to be honest, i can see something happening between us, but i am hesitant to start something because i am leaving in 3 months. i like you and enjoy spending time with you.” I said, “i understand, because I myself will also probably be leaving. but then whats the point in even continuing?” He said, “to have fun?” I know he cares for me more than just a “hook up” (i apologize if that sounds vulgar) – and trust me i am in NO WAY engaging in the full deal with him (haha! here comes the no sugar coat). I know that for sure with this guy. But i think he just IS. whereas i am not. i cannot be.

    I was going to go on a trip with him this weekend. I said no – I knew it wouldn’t be good for my mental state. sometimes i think of alex as the interim until i meet a guy that can give me everything i need. i dont know anita. i dont know what i am doing. but these thoughts of alex are consuming me at times.

    regarding friends, my sister reminds me very often that i moved across the country so i will not have 29582 friends in 5 months. C and I have basically stopped talking in a way. I think it was understood on both parts – however, i do believe she just thinks im “the crazy one” and sees no fault of her own. she did text me yesterday and the conversation has been very superficial. what is my next step, anita? What is my next step regarding alex, men, friends? I feel just oh so confused. and troubled.

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