Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Anxiety: The Blur
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Anonymous.
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February 4, 2018 at 7:06 am #190599
cali sisterParticipantAnita. Let’s talk about the squirm. It causes me severe back tension and scattered brain. I actually physically squirm sometimes. I have to talk myself out of it and does not last longer than maybe 5 minutes.
At this bachelorette: I am doing pretty well. And I am glad. There are just moments where I feel as lonely as ever when I see how my friend (the bride to me) has so much family support and friend support. And I think about how I have to go back home. And be all alone again. Would you be able to help me with this?
February 4, 2018 at 7:53 am #190613
AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
Squirming and Aloneness. These two things- I do want to understand better and maybe there will be a suggestion I can make that can be of some help to you, maybe.
What togetherness do you experience with your mother when you are in contact with her, what comfort do you experience? Is it during the squirming or after the squirming?
anita
February 4, 2018 at 8:13 am #190617cali sisterParticipantI feel no comfort speaking to my mother. Father I feel comfort because he is someone that I know will be there if something were to truly happen to me or if I asked. My mother would not.
February 4, 2018 at 8:28 am #190619cali sisterParticipantI have not broken down on this trip yet. And I don’t want to. I think it will be ok 🙂
February 4, 2018 at 8:31 am #190621AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
How was your father there for you in the past?
anita
February 5, 2018 at 6:56 am #190771cali sisterParticipantHe has just always made me feel safe. When I was suicidal last May, he came to see me right away and was helpful. Helped me get treatment. Although he said hurtful things about it later (more so my mom), in that moment, he was there.
February 5, 2018 at 7:04 am #190775AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
I believe I understand. There is nothing more special, more needed, more desired than that feeling of safety, is there. Especially for a person significantly anxious, significantly lacking that feeling of safety.
Won’t we do just about anything for that feeling…
anita
February 5, 2018 at 7:10 am #190777cali sisterParticipantYes we will. I feel so unsafe all the time
everyone has left for the airport. And I have the day to myself here before the flight back home. I keep pressuring myself to just go explore and make the most of the day. However, I feel hindered. I feel just so alone. Not because I am here alone. But because I am. Especially after spending a weekend like this with people who are so close to each other.
February 5, 2018 at 7:29 am #190789AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
In the post before last you wrote about your father: “He has just always made me feel safe.”- you used the word always, would lead one to think, maybe, that you… always felt safe.
In your most recent post you wrote: “I feel so unsafe all the time”.
In previous posts, the beginning of this thread comes to mind, you wrote that you feel anxious all the time, every moment. Always.
How is it really, then, in real life for you: you feel safe sometimes, not so? For example last May when your father attended to you and this very last weekend, with people?
anita
February 5, 2018 at 7:36 am #190793cali sisterParticipantI see. Here is the truth.
I anxious and unsafe always.
No I did not feel safe this weekend because these are not my people. They are best friends with the bride to be. I am just one of the bridesmaids.
February 5, 2018 at 7:56 am #190803AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
I hope you stay with me on this line of exploration, it can be very useful. If you are “anxious and unsafe always”- what about May last year with your father, did you feel safe then, when he attended to you, for some time?
anita
February 5, 2018 at 8:23 am #190821cali sisterParticipantI felt safe for the moment. Maybe an evening. But then I felt unsafe again because I knew emotional abuse would ensue shortly.
I would like to continue with you too. I guess I am not that alone after all.
I know that I am getting better. Everyone left this morning and I felt so lonely and put so much pressure on myself to be that “cool free girl who just goes and explores the city on her own”.
I cried a bit. But then. Here I am. I am at a cafe. I am writing in a journal my sister has bought me. We are doing the “daily stoic journa.” I am sitting in front of art. Eating an avocado grilled cheese with veggies. Drinking jasmine green tea. I will then, in two hours, take myself to a movie. This is a victory. One of the things that hinders me the most is the pressure voice in my head. “You should do this. And be like this. And why can’t you be like this”
February 5, 2018 at 8:52 am #190835AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
You wrote a couple of posts before: “No I did not feel safe this weekend because these are not my people. They are best friends with the bride to be. I am just one of the bridesmaids.”
By “my people” I think you mean blood family, as in your mother, your father, your sister.
Let’s take one of your people, that is, your father. In your post above, you wrote about last May with him: “I felt safe for the moment. Maybe an evening. But then I felt unsafe again because I knew emotional abuse would ensue shortly.”
Not much of real life safety with… your people, is it?
Real life safety is trusting a person to not abuse you following providing comfort, is it not?
anita
February 5, 2018 at 8:56 am #190837cali sisterParticipantMy people meaning my friends who know me. Not so much blood. They are her friends. Not mine. So after this weekend we will never talk again. Except for wedding festivities and planning. When I think of my people, or say that, it means my friend. Or someone who knows me. These people don’t know me. So there is no comfort.
February 5, 2018 at 9:04 am #190839cali sisterParticipantThe most distressing thing though as I have said recently is this forced feeling about my puppy. I think I am rather traumatized still from my old dogs death. Who looks very similar to this dog. I also always dreamt of getting my own dog. Rescuing him and him looking a certain way. And I guess my puppy does not look this way and he came un planned. One of my most bothersome thoughts is “if I saw him walking down the street, would I think he’s cute?”
Why do I have such horrid thoughts. He’s an animal. I love animals. Why is this happening.
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