Thanks to everyone who wrote back.

I’ve had a weird feeling sitting with me since I talked to her. I spent a lot of time yesterday and today debating if I should reach out to her… If I should take her up on her invite to meet for a drink tonight, if I should write her a message explaining why it is probably not for the best… At this point though I feel I should just leave it alone. That also seems to be supported by my friends and family.

Jenny you asked if I feel I could ever be just friends with her, and I think the answer is yes but it’s hard to say right now. Of course, while I’m in the thick of mourning the loss of love, it would be too difficult. I certainly have no intention of being her friend anytime soon. and it’s probably for the best that we don’t talk often (or at all) while we let each other go. With that said, I think that if things weren’t ever to work out romantically between us I would still like to keep in touch with her. She’s too special of a person for me to write off forever. Perhaps I would be even more inclined towards a friendship if I found the love I deserve with someone else… someone who was really good to me, who I wouldn’t want to leave for anyone. At that point I wouldn’t entertain the idea of a possible romantic future with her. But it’s all hard to say at this point.

Cognition, I find myself completely agreeing with your post. Before all of this, I really believed that fighting for love was courageous, no matter the emotional cost. I look back on previous relationships I had and I remember fighting for them too… but a fantasy ending never came. It seems like once you’ve had a little bit, it’s worth putting yourself on the line for all of it. I’m much too exhausted now to do that. I think I’ve become jaded in a lot of ways at this point… and I don’t mean that in a pessimistic “love doesn’t exist” kind of way. I still very much believe in romance, love, and the beauty of both, but I’m much too tired to put myself on the line for it right now. For her or for anyone else.

I miss her. I don’t know if I find any comfort in knowing she misses me too. It’s sad that there really isn’t anything that can be done about that. I know we must think about each other equally, and both be feeling the loss in a difficult way. She wanted so bad to see me, but I just can’t see that being good for either of us. I hope my absence helps her realize that I can no longer play the game. I hope it brings her some clarity even though it hurts.

Well we ended up talking again last night. We didn’t see each other, but we spent an hour and half talking on the phone. I was able to express all the pain and sadness I felt, all the things I felt were unfair, all the problems that were there. She apologized for her actions… and she told me how important I was to her and how much she wanted me to be in her life. She felt that we really rushed into things, and it wasn’t either of our faults but it made things very difficult for her. She never wanted it to be like she belonged to me, or her ex. She wanted to be independent even though we had some kind of relationship… But she was never really clear about that. I think she felt so much pressure from her previous one to be defined by the relationship that she was trying to avoid that again at all costs. She made a lot of mistakes with me, and she regrets them. She wants to try and start slowly again. No rushing into anything, just trying to build something better over time.

I told her we should take a full week before we talk again. I need to get some more clarity and she needs to understand what I want and need if we were to go forward – I made all of that pretty clear. She thought that was a good idea, and so thus the week has begun.

I’m conflicted. I of course really care about this girl and see the genuine feelings coming from her. I know she feels like she messed up, and I know she doesn’t want me back just because she’s lonely. She wants me back because she feels like I’m someone special too. I told her it wouldn’t work if her ex is still in the picture. That’s a stipulation I can’t back down on… but at this point I feel like I’ve put so much work into letting her go that it feels wrong to turn around. All of my friends and family have supported me, all of you on this site have supported me. To disown everyone’s support seems like the wrong thing to do. My sister thinks that it will just end up in a bad spot again… that after some 7 months of it I have a pretty good idea of how this girl handles things and what could happen again. I don’t want to put myself in that position.

I’m not sure what other information is useful here. I really felt like she was trying, but I don’t know if it’s right or wrong to work on it with her again. Thank you all again for your thoughts.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me, I need them now more than ever.

I don’t know what she did or who she talked to in the 13 days that have gone by since we had the break up, but she wouldn’t have been able to see her ex because he lives on the other side of the country. I’m sure they talked like they normally do. She probably didn’t make any changes… she just felt the loss of me from her life and was saddened by that. It gave her the feeling like she had to pull me in again. And for that hour and a half on the phone she almost did… but the pain I’ve felt since getting off the phone has only gotten worse. After talking with my best friend, my sister, my mother, and all of you on here… I know that it’s not moving the right way.

I worked up the courage to send her a message. One of closure that I hope she respects this time. It read:

“I know I said we should go a week, and I hate going back on that so quickly. But I have been heavily conflicted since we spoke, to the point where I was breaking into tears in the middle of the night and am now doing it at work. I don’t want to feel this kind of pain anymore. There is certainly a part of me that wants to have your love in my life, but I don’t think it is possible anymore. My reasons are many, though I think the most important is that nothing really has changed. You still feel you can’t commit to me the way I would want you to. I also know you still have feelings for [ex’s name] and wouldn’t be able to cut that off entirely for me. It doesn’t matter if we were to try and take it slow or not because throughout our time together you were trying to slow it down and I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to this time around either. There are just too many what ifs, too serious of doubts, and too many feelings that hurt. It’s still just as messy as it was, and if we try to make it work now I can’t see it being for either of us. I wish I had the strength to try, or the patience to wait, but my emotional capacity has drained. I’m so sorry it can’t work. I think it would be best if we stopped talking for good now and we both moved on from this completely.”

I’ve eradicated any romantic fantasies of how this will play out now. If I see her again in life, then I will assess it all then. If I don’t, I’m probably better off. It’s very difficult to have to kill off whatever love still lingers. But you have all helped me realize that I have to for my own health.

I don’t think it was all due to her ex. I think her ex was a factor, but she was also just in a place where she felt she couldn’t commit to me in a serious relationship sense. She could only offer some kind of hot and cold version of it which in her mind was I guess “dating” or something. She obviously didn’t feel good with it which lead to all the problems around the holidays and eventually the break up talk which included her saying I need to find someone who could give me the things I was looking for. Me finding someone who I deserve.

For what any of this is worth… I don’t think she wants to go back into a relationship with him, I just think she doesn’t know how to let go. Similar to how she is struggling to let me go now. I always trusted that I was the only one she was seeing while we were together… there were no signs of her cheating on me, and really she wouldn’t have done it. I mean I remember back in July I asked if she was seeing anyone else and she told me she wasn’t. I believed her then and I believe it’s still the case now. As confused and lost and messy as she was, she wasn’t the type to cheat in that sense. Her communication with her ex was an issue, but it was convoluted. I’m 99% certain they never saw each other while we were together. Her work schedule is vigorous and I was seeing her 3-4 times a week for the most part. She only ever went a day or two without communication towards the end of our time together. So while I understand the inclination to wonder, I am pretty confident in saying that it wasn’t part of it.

I wish I could better explain what I gathered from her previous relationship but I don’t know much… I don’t know why they still talk, I don’t know what her intentions are with him, or what his intentions are with her, but they have not been a couple for almost a year now even though he still says I love you. I don’t think she’s just going to go back to him. She doesn’t want to move to where he is now and I don’t think he is moving back here.

Last night on the phone she made it seem like he was less of the problem, and it was more of an issue in her head about not wanting to get right back into something serious after exiting what was an emotional rollercoaster of a serious relationship. She cared deeply for me, and was selfish in holding on to me while I was hurting, because she couldn’t give me that level of commitment. It doesn’t change much… but that’s what I gathered.