Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Being better at accepting depression
- This topic has 541 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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October 19, 2018 at 10:44 am #231961
AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Regarding the woman you are seeing for now, you wrote: “I’m not getting the same rush of feelings I have had in the past with women whom I knew had problems and needed help”. I think this rush of feelings is an activation of the rush of feelings, the passion you had as a child, to help your mother and make her happy. Like I wrote earlier, you would have climbed the highest mountain and fought dragons so to make her happy. You would have done anything and everything for her.
You wrote: “emotional neglect was present though as my parents weren’t equipped to deal with their own feelings much less mine“- true as it may be, this is not what you thought when you were a child. The italicized is later thinking projected back into the past. This later thinking is interrupting your healing because it is hiding (keeping away from your awareness) what you really were thinking at the time, as a child.
anita
October 21, 2018 at 6:13 am #232357
nonameParticipantYes that rush of feelings is exactly as you put it, an urge to help my mother. These feelings when dating used to get me motivated to take care of myself, now since they are not present with the woman I am currently seeing I’m not doing my best to take care of myself. I’m not eating, oversleeping, and avoiding people. I get easily overwhelmed by the smallest tasks. I feel exhausted from going to classes, working for free at my internship, trying to feed myself, having little money, trying to keep up with daily living tasks like cleaning my apt or grooming myself. Even trying to schedule “fun” into my life feels stressful. I haven’t left the house since Friday morning, and It has been a beautiful weekend outside and i cant get myself to go exercise, or hangout with friends. Thinking about dating is stressful, what if she grows bored with me and leaves? Thinking about my future is nerve racking too, what will I do after graduation? Do I even want to be therapist anymore?
I don’t feel at peace right now, and its keeping me from enjoying life. I feel as if I shouldn’t be overwhelmed because I’ve been busier in the past and got through it, I’m just struggling to find anything that motivates me anymore. I’m no longer motivated by dating, or sex, friends, competition, helping others, etc. The only thing I want right now is to feel more than numb.
October 21, 2018 at 6:50 am #232363AnonymousGuestDear noname:
When you were a child your only hope was in making your mother happy. That was your passion: to make her happy, a matter of life or death. It is similar to this (I live in a wooded area): a young fawn follows his mother deer. It is a matter of life or death that he follows her, food is with her, protection from the coyotes and mountain lions is with her, and so is protection from the cold. Now picture this: the mother deer falls down and is expressing great pain, lying down, agonizing. The fawn is terrified and all of his focus is in helping his mother get up and lead the way. He can’t lead his own way, he needs her! His passion becomes helping her heal.
Let’s say it doesn’t work out and she remains lying there, dying, but somehow the fawn survives. As he grows into an adult deer, a buck, he walks around with that fear of long ago. He sees female deer, foes, and experiences some o that mating desire, but then he happens to see a foe that fell down and is in pain, his passion awakens. He feels alive, motivated!
The buck doesn’t know, doesn’t really know that he is not a fawn anymore, that he can get his own food and protect himself like other adult deer. He still feels like a fawn, still afraid. And he still feels that his only hope is to help a fallen foe back on her feet. A buck stuck in a fawn state of mind.
Well, that fawn, that buck is you.
anita
October 22, 2018 at 4:56 am #232515AnonymousGuest* Correction: doe, not foe. doe-female deer, buck- male deer, fawn-young deer in its first year.
October 31, 2018 at 5:21 pm #234879nonameParticipantThank you for your reply Anita,
I started a new therapy group as a participant, my hope is that in this group i can learn how to ask for and accept help from others. I see myself clearly in the story you wrote above. I see this helping fallen doe characteristic of mine strongly in all areas of my life, it’s the reason i decided to become a counselor, to help others. What i didn’t know is how much easier for me it is to help others, and that the true difficulty lies in helping myself. I am however realizing the importance of letting others help me. I am extremely stubborn when it comes to asking for help. I’ve walked miles before instead of asking a friend for a ride. This is becoming a problem for me. While i have friends and family i realize i only feel truly comfortable asking 2 people for help, my sister, and my friend from school i’ve known for about 4 months but she has proven to be a rock solid genuine friend.
I had an anger outburst last week at my friend/landlord when a snake got into my apartment under the baseboard because we didn’t finish sealing the place properly. This was the 4th time this year i have lost my cool with him as he behaves as an adolescent in adults body. No need to go into detail here other than im done being friends with him and only want a landlord/tenant relationship with him, which he is not very good at either. I realize he only leaves stuff broken in my apartment because i indirectly allow it by continuing to pay rent despite him not fixing problems. He has relationship issues with every person in his life, i know because our friendship was a one way street with him venting to me constantly about these issues and him not having the patience to listen to my input or my problems.
I have been chronically depressed as a result of the anxiety about losing my housing over this argument. I don’t think he will kick me out for a number of reasons but at the same time i could see him being petty and trying to make my life a living hell. The good news is i dont have a lease and in my state i have the legal upper hand. Not that i want to go to court if he pulls some shit but i will if i have to. The depression as a result of overwhelming anxiety has kept me from leaving the house last weekend, and going to work this week.
I feel completely alone and as if there is no one to help me. I could always move back home with my sister but she lives an hour away and i need to stay here until i finish school in 6 months. I’m angry at myself for trusting and depending on someone, and being let down once again. I’m so numb right now, i only managed a few tears today. I have a desire to feel anything right now. Financially i’m at risk for not being able to afford food for the rest of the year. I will be selling some belongings to help pay for my basic needs, and my sister offered some money she really cant afford to be giving up as well. I feel pretty hopeless right now. My biggest fear at the moment is wondering what will happen in my future. Im thinking of moving in with my sister after i graduate to save money and possibly finance a long hiking trip before i return to the world of working 9-5. Im also considering what i would do if i dont even make it to graduation living in my current apartment. I don’t even know what im asking for here. I guess i need help feeling connected to others, my anxiety is in large part because i feel i have no support, im not sure how to be intimate with others and feel connected. i feel unprepared to be a therapist if im still spending days at a time without leaving home because of anxiety.
November 1, 2018 at 4:01 am #234909AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Is there such a thing as Food Bank where you live? Where I live, there are food banks in small towns and in the city. If you qualify, you get all the food that you need. And I figure you would qualify.
I wish there was a way for you to rent a room in a quiet home close by for the near future, six months or so. Just one room in someone’s house, a quick and easy move in and later, out.
You’ve been struggling for so long. So have I, being without a home many, many times in my life. Scared. Scared and alone. I remember walking outside homes and you could see families inside the homes, in the living rooms, gathering together, maybe it was Christmas, and oh, did I wish to be over there, inside that home, warm and comfortable and protected.
The most memorable morning in my life was when I was close to your age, early twenties. I was a guest in a home for one night. There was a mother, a father and a few children there, and they seemed to live peacefully and lovingly. In the morning, the sun came through the window and I heard the mother and father talking in the kitchen in low voices, soft voices. Soon the children came down to the kitchen for breakfast and so did I, as if I was one of the children. Sitting at the breakfast table I had the experience of a family, like it should be. The mother was calm and pleasant, peaceful, she wasn’t crying or screaming or threatening suicide. She was smiling, her voice soft and kind. Her face soft and kind. The husband was dressed to go to work.
I remember that morning ever since, decades later and I remember it.
anita
November 1, 2018 at 6:12 am #234941nonameParticipantI have found it so difficult to find community outside of my family I was raised in. Even though we were poor my moms family was always close, not that I felt connected then either, but I always had a place to go for a meal. For the past few years creating community has been a primary focus of mine and something I intend to continue when I can drag myself out of school.
I go through these cycles it seems of feeling extroverted and confident wanting to invite everyone I meet to my house to hangout or for a meal. Then like clockwork i get depressed and cut myself off and wont leave my house. I have a strange anxiety right now that if I leave my apartment something bad will happen. I feel trapped in my life. I’ve been waking up recently with nothing on my mind except graduating. It shouldn’t be this hard to go to school, I get frustrated with higher education because it is designed to replicate and maintain the social hierarchy that is in place. It’s not designed for a working individual to complete without accruing massive amounts of debt. I guess I’m just mad at myself for not having better relationships in my life, I cant help but think sometimes if I had a girlfriend who i lived with that we could pool our resources and i wouldn’t be so stressed all the time.
Thanks for listening to me vent Anita, I’m not sure there’s anything more I needed right now other than to be heard. I took off the rest of the week from my internship because I simply cant do therapy while I feel this numb.
November 1, 2018 at 7:47 am #234959AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Yes, I figured as I read your recent post that you don’t need any more insight, or a repetition of such. Clearly you don’t need any of that. So do vent, anytime. If you have a question for me, ask, otherwise I will just listen, or read, more accurately.
anita
November 6, 2018 at 9:47 am #235697AnonymousGuestYou are on my mind, noname.
anita
November 9, 2018 at 4:30 am #236131nonameParticipantThank you so much for thinking of me Anita
November 9, 2018 at 9:49 am #236193AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, noname. Be gentle with yourself, try to not think too much, look at just what is in front of you, take it an hour at a time, a day at a time.
anita
December 4, 2018 at 1:40 pm #267819nonameParticipantAnita
I hope all is well and peaceful with you,
I have been running from my feelings for sometime now for whatever reason, by sleeping, smoking, dates etc. However i’m nearing my breaking point again. 2 weeks ago i stayed in the house and talked to no one for an entire week. I go through these chronic depressive episodes and then will recover for about a week and restart my downward spiral again, and i’m sick of it.
I talk to my parents only a need basis, which i explained in the past i’m not in a position to cut complete contact.
I’ve reached the conclusion that the core belief at the center of this pain is a seemingly unchangeable feeling of worthlessness.
I have been seeking my worth in women which has only resulted in me steady lowering standards and feeling worse for doing so. So I think I will give up women for a while until i can really sort out my self worth, otherwise i’m going to keep looking for women who are easy to manipulate which feeds into the feeling of worthlessness. Anytime im alone for more than a few minutes I delve deeply into despair and will either drink, smoke, or sleep. I’ve cut out the drinking last month and just opt for smoking now because it’s less harmful to my body but still an escape mechanism. However, i could still sleep all day if i have no obligations. I don’t interact with co-workers at my internship and do everything i can to avoid talking to people.
On the positive side of things, I have been attending a therapy group for the past month which is helpful and i feel somewhat connected to the other people there but i need more genuine connection than an hour and half per week. Im working out 2x-3x a week. I’m meditating at least 5-10min a day. Also, ill read or listen to philosophy lectures to attempt to expand my understanding on psychology and existential topics.
However, this feeling of worthlessness is so heavy i’m beginning to feel more and more hopeless everyday. I feel i have no reason. I get no feedback from the kids i do therapy with, not that i expect it either, but the reality is hitting me that i chose a career path where the only reassurance that im doing a good job will have to come internally. Having to validate myself is not necessarily a negative thing, just extremely challenging in my current pessimistic state where a “good job” or “thank you” in another line of work might just make my day, with helping people the helper must not get attached to outcomes and right now it would be nice to know i’m not just wasting my time though realistically i’ll never get that reassurance.
I don’t mean for this post to come off so pessimistic either. Even though i feel awful physically & emotionally, I have been trying on my own to figure out how to love myself through this hard time. I’m honestly unsure about how to feel worth, the only things that make me feel worthy is love or admiration from other people. However, i know that is not sustainable. I want me to be that source of love for myself so that i can escape this feedback loop of feeling worthless and acting in ways to support it. The few times i did feel like a worthy human being, my solitude did not seem like a punishment, instead i felt privileged to spend time with someone like myself.
Other people tell me i’m loving, warm, and easy to connect with because i’m honest and vulnerable. However, there is something in the way of me perceiving myself in that way. I have perceived myself in a positive light in the past so i know its possible. I honestly just cant remember how. I feel acceptance of the part of me who feels i am worthless would help and then accepting that i can’t accept feeling worthless. I know relief from this madness is right around the corner if only i had some guidance.
Thanks again Anita
December 4, 2018 at 1:46 pm #267823AnonymousGuestDear noname:
So good to read from you again! But I can’t read much now, being so very tired at this time. I am looking forward to read your recent post attentively early tomorrow morning in about fifteen hours from now. Again, so good to see that you posted again, I was hoping to read from you soon, and here you are!
anita
December 5, 2018 at 3:47 am #267913AnonymousGuestDear noname:
I remembered this very early morning that in my late twenties I watched an ad on TV for four sets of audio cassettes (don’t exist anymore, that technology), those (over $300) audios included lots of positive affirmations, many regarding self worth and the listener was to repeat those, including the emotion in the statements. There was calming music there and lots of repetition and it worked for me, I started jogging daily, got a better than ever paying job, felt optimistic .. until my mother was back into my life. But before she was back, the tapes worked well for me, a few months of way better! What if this works for you temporarily as well, a few months of way-better will carry you through graduating!
Something else I didn’t notice before, you wrote on this page: “I go through these cycles it seems of feeling extroverted and confident wanting to invite everyone I meet to my house to hangout or for a meal. Then like clockwork I get depressed and cut myself off and won’t leave my house…I go through these chronically depressive episodes and then will recover for about a week and restart my downward spiral again, and I’m sick of it”- it is the bipolar factor, and I don’t mean the diagnosis but the principle of it: a person’s brain gets tired being depressed so it switches to happy, going something like 120 degrees the other way or 150 degrees, sometimes, some people do 180. It is a lack of moderation, a switching from one end of the spectrum to the opposite. Any time you switch to sort-of-happy you guarantee going back to the other end of the spectrum, depressed.
Moderation is the only solution to that dynamic.
When you find yourself in the confident zone, be alarmed, and look for Moderation, the middle of the spectrum. You may very well be trapped in this dynamic.
What do you think?
anita
December 5, 2018 at 5:33 am #267933nonameParticipantI like the idea of affirmations, I was thinking of doing something Similar by journaling daily at least a few short sentences about evidence of my worth. It becomes extremely difficult when I’m depressed to think of anything I do that’s worthy, however when I’m in a decent mood it is much easier. It is truly remarkable to me how much my thoughts shift in a week or even a day sometimes. I feel very much disregulated.
I vividly remember a time a few months after I broke up with my first girlfriend where I had been terribly depressed, and woke up one day with more energy than I have ever experienced, it felt like I drank 10 cups of coffee and had the jitters for 3 or 4 days. This is when I learned about this cycle in me. My therapist was firm with me it wasn’t bipolar but it was as you describe the brain taking a break from depression. I’ve been aware of this for a couple years now and try my best to use any burst of good feelings to get things done for those few days.
It’s getting difficult to function this way, but I hope that continuing to work on my belief that I’m worthless can help. I know it helped when you walked me through my belief that I was a bad person. I dont feel like a bad person anymore but I dont feel I have any value to the world. I help support no one and feel very much unneeded. It makes it hard for me to get out of bed feeling like no one wants to see me, even though that’s not true.
I’m at a point with all this where I’m hoping to move towards an acceptance of my cycles it’s easier for me to regulate the confident extroverted moods than it is for me to lift myself even a little bit out of depression.
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