Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Being better at accepting depression
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anita.
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June 10, 2019 at 3:17 pm #298349
AnonymousGuestDear noname:
I read part of your recent post because I can’t be at the computer much at the moment. Your first paragraph, I appreciate it very much and it came at the right time for me because I am feeling quite sad today. I am partly smiling now because of your words. Thank you!
I understand you not wanting to share where you live, of course, and I didn’t expect you to do so. I don’t ask members where they live and any such information. Regarding the exercise, I will think about it and get back to you probably tomorrow morning, in about 15 hours from now. I may answer a few threads shortly later in the evening, but will be back to your thread tomorrow morning to thoroughly read your recent post and suggest our exercise.
anita
June 10, 2019 at 9:14 pm #298365
nonameParticipantThank you,
since I posted this afternoon I have been talking with my sister about Father’s Day this weekend. She asked if I wanted to do anything then we got into a conversation about my parents again. Seems inescapable as much as I try to just be concerned with My own problems, this issue of continuing relationships with them keeps showing its head. I know it’s hurting me to keep faking relationships with both of them just for resources. It feels dishonest to me. My sister says she’s trying to forgive and give “second chances” I say we are enabling and have given 1000 chances. I love my sister so much and it’s so hard to have this disagreement about our parents with her. Somehow she’s always been able to kind of ignore her own emotions around it, my sister treats herself as a martyr I’m realizing as I used too. It’s just not healthy for me. Whenever I see or talk to my parents all of the trauma and disappointment are re ignited in my spirit. I just don’t understand how my sister can’t see it.
I think this is why I’ve been so stubborn about cutting contact, because I want support especially from my sister but won’t get it, she’s too “nice” she doesn’t see how she takes care of my mom even though she lives with her and is always coming to her for help and then continuing to complain. I think if I felt my parents were actually walking the walk of bettering themselves and taking their own healing seriously I would be ready to give them second chances, but their not doing it. If I fucked my kids up as bad as they did I would be writing letters and making phone calls apologizing until I caught carpel tunnel
June 11, 2019 at 6:23 am #298415AnonymousGuestDear noname:
“I know it’s hurting me to keep faking relationships with both of them”- you said it yourself.
“we are enabling and have given 1000 chances”- you personally gave them hundreds of thousands of chances. Every time you looked sad or scared when you were a child right there in front of them, they had a chance to think: is there something this little boy needs?
“Whenever I see or talk to my parents all of the trauma and disappointment are re ignited in my spirit”- again, you said it yourself.
“I just don’t understand how my sister can’t see it”- it is easier for her to not see it. She perceives it to be less painful for her to not see it. It is way less painful for your sister, and way more pleasant at times for her, to interact and be present with your mother, that is why she lives with her.
I wanted to ask you regarding your post before last, what you meant by “I often find myself genuinely concerned for your well being”?
I have an idea about the nature of the exercise I suggested yesterday. I will wait for your response to this post and proceed from there.
anita
June 11, 2019 at 7:06 am #298423nonameParticipantWhen I say I am concerned I meant because you are a helper, and you always show up for people. From being a helper myself I know showing up is half the battle, I just don’t see how you do it, how you take on so many peoples problems on a daily basis and keep coming back. I understand it is up to those you help to help themselves ultimately, which is the mind state I have to have doing therapy with people or else I’ll get attached to their outcomes which is dangerous, but it still happens if I’m not being mindful.
I’m just so tired of my parents taking up my precious mental energy anymore which I need for myself more than ever at the moment, my sister will have a breakdown every now and then too, but she never changes anything, I refuse. I think it’s time to detach.
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This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by
noname.
June 11, 2019 at 8:08 am #298441AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Thank you for explaining what you meant by it, I thought something like that, wasn’t sure. I do get tired sometimes, but I am not attached to the outcome. I am surprised really, when I sense a positive outcome and wonder if it will last. What motivates me is to help myself. Learning about others is not different from learning about myself. What I do here is what I call an inside-out learning. When I discover something about another person, I learn more about the same thing within myself.
You and I have this in common, which just occurred to me. My sister too lives with her mother. But unlike you, I have no contact with … her mother. I have let my sister know long ago that I don’t want to hear anything about her mother, no matter what. My sister and I don’t talk often and never about her mother. My sister has had panic attacks, nightmares and lots of misery, yet she said (long ago when we did talk about it) that none of it was caused by my mother. She told me that what I believed happened in my childhood was my subjective perception, one she doesn’t agree with or shares.
So you see, two siblings growing up in the same home, can have different understandings. In my case, mine is correct, her is incorrect. Her mental state is getting worse, mine is getting better. I tried to rescue her for years, but she didn’t value what I told her.
You can share anything you want and I will reply to what you share (just as we did so far). In addition, I have the exercise brewing in my mind, let me know when we can start.
anita
June 20, 2019 at 5:39 am #299943AnonymousGuestDear noname:
About a week ago I collected quotes from your thread in preparation for the exercise idea. I am posting them here just in case you are back and interested and of course, not too busy. Nothing for you to do with these quotes, they are here for me, just in case we proceed.
“at 25 i feel completely spent and forcing myself through life because i took suicide off the table a couple years ago…when it’s to time to sleep I feel alone, and when i wake up i feel alone and struggle to get myself out of bed knowing i may not even speak to another human being the whole day…my spark or motivation is somewhere within me I feel it every now and then, mostly in the company of others, however.. it is always a struggle for me to be around people for too long…I have been very angry with myself… I oscillate between contentment, apathy, and full blown depression on a monthly basis…7/27/17 During my meltdown I screamed, and cried, angry with myself.. i was hyperventilating and couldn’t calm down…..even this morning I was sobbing while cooking breakfast, and getting ready to go to work… I still feel the overwhelming need for support and love from other people.. I feel so guilty that I receive care from her and my mother so frequently and I rarely feel as if i do anything for them, even though they tell me constantly that i give them joy, support, and encouragement. I know they love me ..7/28/17 I still just feel so guilty blaming my parents sometimes, because they had their own issues, and I know they did their best, they just weren’t ready to be raising children…As much as I hate to admit it I think your spot on in regards to me not receiving love. Though I know my parents loved me as a child and still do, I didn’t feel and receive it. Probably because they did not receive the love they deserved as children, and they did not know how to properly express love and care for my emotional needs as a child…For me its just hard sometimes to blame my parents for all of my emotional problems, because I know they did their best with what little emotional intelligence, and self awareness they possessed, yes they made a lot of mistakes, but I’m still grateful for them and wouldn’t have it any other way..4/5/17 the only people I feel safe enough to be completely open with is my mom and sister, but sometimes i do find myself not wanting to open up to my mom because she tends to start to tell me about her problems because my dad wont listen, and i cant take care of her forever…I can’t rely on my depressed mother.. the majority of my childhood was spent in isolation while my mom was depressed, and my dad worked way too much. I’m no stranger to trauma i witnessed some intense domestic fights, lots of broken glass…Growing up my mom was very depressed and my dad had anger issues, one of my strongest memories from childhood was my dad telling me and my sister it was “our job to keep our mother happy” that’s a lot for a 8 year old to take on… trying to keep my mom happy and my dad calm was a very exhausting task… … 8/6/17 I believe my issues are more related to emotional needs, than any chemical imbalance, simply because I have experienced contentment lasting for months, when I was in group therapy. That experience showed me how important and transformative it can be to connect with people, which is what I really need (love). Also, I can feel the rush similar to a drug when I authentically connect with someone, and that feeling gives me confidence and lasts for days'”.
anita
June 21, 2019 at 8:50 am #300171nonameParticipantThank you for doing the digging on my old threads.
It is interesting to me how much my mentality has changed over the past couple years. My anger was misplaced on myself. I talked with an older friend yesterday who had a shockingly similar situation to that of mine as far as the struggle goes with keeping in contact with his parents or not. He too has gone through periods of confrontation, non contact, siblings not understanding, struggling with misplaced self hatred, yet trying to be compassionate at the same time. He is a very wise man whom I respect. He is still in contact with his parents though he says he expects nothing to change about them till the day they die, but he says he has allowed them a small space in his life once they began to understand and take responsibility for his childhood wounding. Not saying I’m ready to keep close contact, but it made me feel much less alone in this situation I’m facing.
Just to take the attention off of my parents for a bit, I have been struggling with a sense of meaninglessness about my life. I have my reasons not to die, but have been struggling to find purpose and reasons to live if that makes sense. I have been drinking way too much, and seeking consoling from random women over the past month or so.
I went to therapy yesterday which I can’t afford and my therapist saw me for free. He said he knows I will repay him either in the work I’m doing for the world or monetarily when I can. I told him I don’t come often because I feel guilty about him not getting paid well. He emphasized to me over and over that he and his family are financially fine, and he sees a few clients at reduced rates. He highlighted to me how difficult it is for me to accept love offered by others. Also that the suffering of my life wouldn’t necessarily end if I were dead. I would be passing it on to others and the world. My friend who I’m moving in with has offered to pay our deposit and first months rent because she loves me, I cried like a baby on the phone with her a couple days ago saying I don’t understand why or how she could love me. I feel deeply unlovable and it simply is not true. Viktor frankl says suffering ceases to be suffering the second it has meaning, I’ve been suffering unnecessarily for no reason at times. And my suffering does have meaning, I need to bear it no one else can bear it for me, I desperately want to be saved, but know I can only save myself. I’m still in a lot of pain today, but I’m more willing to bear it because I know I am loved, and it has meaning.
June 21, 2019 at 10:01 am #300201AnonymousGuestDear noname:
I am glad your therapist saw you without pay and that your friend and future roommate offered to pay the deposit and first month rent.
Regarding my quotes in my previous post to you, notice the following:
1. What the friendly, attentive company of others does for you: “my spark or motivation is somewhere within me I feel it every now and then, mostly in the company of others… I have experienced contentment lasting for months, when I was in group therapy. That experience showed me how important and transformative it can be to connect with people.. I can feel the rush similar to a drug when I authentically connect with someone, and that feeling gives me confidence and lasts for days”-
– because we are social animals. The rush you mentioned is the same as what motivates a dog to wag his tail when in friendly company, very similar chemical rush.
2. But “it is always a struggle for me to be around people for too long… the only people I feel safe enough to be completely open with is my mom and sister, but sometimes I do find myself not wanting to open up to my mom because she tends to start to tell me about her problems… I can’t rely on my depressed mother”-
– I think you struggle to be around people for too long because when your mother did give you a bit of comfort, a bit of safety, way too soon she took it away when she withdrew from you, again and again. And so, in your current interactions with others, you expect that withdrawal and you get anxious.
3. “I still just feel so guilty blaming my parents… they had their own issues… they did their best, they just weren’t ready… they did not receive the love they deserved as children, and they did not know how to properly express love… they did their best with what little emotional intelligence… they made a lot of mistakes, but I’m still grateful for them and wouldn’t have it any other way”-
– this is where you are stuck: you “resolved” your childhood troubles by focusing on your parents’ perspective, their issues, their challenges. In this resolution you did not include your perspective. You… “resolved” your childhood trauma without involving you in that resolution.
anita
June 21, 2019 at 10:32 am #300217nonameParticipantAs far as number 3 goes I have much less trouble blaming them than 2 years ago. Where I still struggle with this is my other family members especially my sister, I want her support, but she’s always preaching forgiveness even though it doesn’t help her or me. So I must go without her support if I want to place the blame where it belongs not on the child but on the parent.
Number 2 couldn’t be more true still to this day, especially with women, men not so much. Even today I’m stuck with this going back in forth in my mind “do I text/call her? does that seem needy? Well you have needs you need met, so just do it! But what if she doesn’t respond? The last one didn’t respond, so just wait for it to happen don’t reach out. But you need to reach out how else will they know you’re interested? But you don’t want to look needy, you know what forget it you don’t need nobody! …etc”
Women drive me crazy I feel like whatever I decide to do is the wrong decision. All I want to do is form an attachment with someone that last longer than 24-48hrs
June 21, 2019 at 10:54 am #300219AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Your sister “always preaching forgiveness” regarding your parents, that will be fine for you to forgive after you get your inner child away from your parents’ hold, when you free that child from your parents, then you can forgive them. Your sister still lives with her mother, her inner child stuck. You live away but not free either. Still stuck there, with your parents. (Is this paragraph too abstract for you?)
“what if she doesn’t respond? The last one didn’t respond… “- a re-experiencing of your life as a child, at home with your depressed, non responsive mother.
“All I want to do is form an attachment with someone that last longer than 24-48 hours”- what about that long term relationship you had, if I remember correctly it was five years and it was your first girlfriend, how did you manage an attachment for that long?
anita
June 21, 2019 at 11:04 am #300221nonameParticipantNot too abstract. Makes perfect sense. I’m feeling the stuckness of my inner child with my parents more than ever.
I managed an attachment that long very anxiously and with much ambivalence, also we never lived together, we were young co-dependents, and kept eachother at arms length, I was rarely vulnerable with her the way I am with friends now, it wasn’t a very close relationship. I was depressed and unavailable.
Since then I haven’t had anything that resembles a close romantic relationship, and I’m doubtful I ever will at this point. I’m far too anxious. So I either try to hard or not at all. It feels hopeless so one night stands are my new thing and I hate it but need that occasional illusion of closeness to another human being to keep me going
June 21, 2019 at 11:26 am #300223AnonymousGuestDear noname:
Keep yourself safe then, and see to it best you can that the women are in agreement with these nights you have with them being one night stands.
But there is a way for you to … endure a long term relationship with a woman, after you free your inner child from that little prison he is in, still stuck with your parents. The exercise I had in mind has to do with doing just that, at least starting the process of freeing that child, that is, freeing you.
anita
June 21, 2019 at 12:06 pm #300231nonameParticipantYes, let’s begin. I’m ready. I’ve got to start loving myself only then will I be able to endure rejection without falling into despair, criticism and self hatred I believe
June 21, 2019 at 12:22 pm #300235AnonymousGuestDear noname:
I am not ready to begin, my idea at this point is not baked. It is about having your inner child talk through you, using a simple young child vocabulary, short sentences, nothing elaborate, and no later-life material that you read and studied in school, no re-interpreting what happened using later life psychological terms and concepts. But I need to know first if you’ve done this particular exercise before and what was the experience like, as well as if you did something similar to it, what was it and how did it go?
(I can’t imagine you didn’t do this or something similar, but clearly it wasn’t effective long term).
anita
June 21, 2019 at 12:31 pm #300241nonameParticipantI’ve done inner child work mostly on my own writing letters. Nothing too in depth.
If I can ask for one more thing from you today Anita, just to get me through, im still at work and i find myself crying anytime im alone. I went through and deleted all the women i had in my phone but find myself particularly focused on a woman i went out with on tuesday night. I deleted her number due to lack of self control not to reach out to her because she did not respond yesterday. I keep trying to restore my contacts in my phone but her number wont come back. Probably for the best. I just need something right now to get me through to let me know even if she never responds i am still a worthy person. I dont feel it today. I know there is no magic cure but if you have any kind reasurring words i sure could use them. Thank you so much by the way! i feel overwhelmed with gratitude towards you and my friends at the moment for the love you all send me that i barely feel deserving of.
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