June 21, 2019 at 12:51 pm #300243
“I just need something right now to get me through to let me know even if she never responds I am still a worthy person”-
– if she doesn’t respond, it means she didn’t see your worth as a person, not because you are not worthy, but because she didn’t see it. Most people are too busy to see that kind of thing.
I see you. I see your worth and I smile right this moment, I smiled before I knew it, not so that you will see me smile, you can’t. But I smiled, automatically because I see your worth. Yes, I definitely do.
The reason you’ve been hurting for so long is not because you are worthless but because you are worthy but you lost that knowing that you are, you look at yourself and you don’t see it.
Let me know when you are ready for the exercise. I will be back to the computer in about half an hour and after that I will be away for the rest of the day.
June 21, 2019 at 12:55 pm #300247
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you anitaJune 21, 2019 at 1:59 pm #300275
You are welcome, noname. I will be away from the computer for about 17 hours. Please do post again anytime, whenever you want to.
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 9:37 am #300415
Well it has been an unsettling weekend for me though i feel grateful at the moment. I got way too drunk friday night and went out with my friends. Luckily they didnt let me go home with some random woman though i was pretty close. I paid for the drinking yesterday.
My sister and her boyfriend came to visit yesterday and we went to eat and hungout some. It was nice to be able to hangout with just my sister and her boyfriend without my mother present. I decided im going to move to hometown an hour away and commute to work once a week for the month of july and move back in august. I need to save money and be around old friends and family (cousins).
My friend (whose property i currently live on) girlfriends grandfather died yesterday. Me and my other friend were requested by her to come visit and hangout at thier house last night. I was happy to have been requested to witness her grief, that means alot to me, like were family. She told us stories of her grandfather who died in his late 90s and worked literally untill the day he died. It was moving how many people this man touched with his life and the intentional manner he lived with. He suffered a stroke but was still alert enough to communicate on his death bed by squeezing his grandaughters hand. She said he told him he could let go and he died seconds later.
What i learned from this story is that it is possible to live through the suffering of life bravely and without letting fear dictate your decision making. I had woke up yesterday morning hungover and told myself it had to stop, that i must make a decision if i want to live and quit running from my pain. The irony is that when we attempt to escape or become unconscious of our pain it increases, however if we move towards increasing our consciousness towards that pain that it how it’s resolved. I mentor a teenager in foster care, i have friends that need me, my clients need me, my family and younger cousins look up to me. I became angry with myself that i have been living as if facing my pain was not of the utmost importance.
It occurred to me how many celebrities have died at the exact age of 27. One of my favorite music producers died of an overdose last year at 27. I think this stage in my life is one where i must decide if im going to choose life or death. I have not been choosing life lately i’ve been regressing into childish mannerisms instead of choosing maturity. I’m hoping moving back home for a short period of time, removing some responsibility and being around old loving friends can help reinforce the choice that i’m committing to of choosing to live.June 23, 2019 at 9:58 am #300423
You read wise and positive in this recent post except for this part- is your intent to move back with your mother and sister, living there temporarily?
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 4:23 pm #300439
yes, I’m going to live with my sister for a month for financial reasons. I’ll be gone by the end of July but I need a way to save money for a month and my sister won’t charge me to live with her.June 23, 2019 at 5:14 pm #300441
I’m sure you think it’s a bad idea, but I’m looking forward to being with my sister and her boyfriend, and my friends more than anything. I’m also looking forward to practicing detachment when I am around my mom. I’m just in a spot currently where I can’t afford to pay next months rent, and also need to be around people to some degree.June 24, 2019 at 9:34 am #300531
Your sister lives with her boyfriend and with your mother, three people, and you will be fourth, in that household until the end of July, as I understand it. It is not a terrible plan, I suppose, because really, you haven’t yet been away from your mother-sister team, so not a big difference. In the ways that count most, you are yet to leave that household.
June 24, 2019 at 9:54 am #300537
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I understand what you mean. I would agree. If my financial situation wasn’t an issue I would’ve never considered but it’s the only place I can go rent free. I’m hoping to test my ability to mentally detach from my mom while I’m there, I don’t want progress to stop just because I’m in physical proximity. My current stress level is extremely high, but I’m hoping it will all pay off in the end. Instead of taking a crappy nonprofit job like most of my classmates I’m taking an unconventional route for a new therapist by doing contract jobs, which require more self-marketing because I’m not fed as many clients as nonprofit agencies. However I know with my specialized skill set, and demographic characteristics it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be independent again. Life is difficult right now to say the least. I’m trying to practice gratitude to keep my mind in the right place while everything around me is unstable.June 24, 2019 at 10:06 am #300539
I don’t know anything about nonprofit vs contracting jobs except that you believe it is better for you to contract jobs. I understand your life being difficult (it has been so far).
Regarding your aim to “test my ability to mentally detach from my mom while I’m there”- well, if you survive the experience, that is success enough.
I do know you still feel those moments of comfort in the company of your sister and your mother, you are still drawn to them.
anitaJune 26, 2019 at 6:44 am #300823
The difference between contract and working for an agency (non profit) is that I get to keep more of what I make, have more control over my schedule, and don’t have anyone to answer to besides my code of ethics of course. Ultimately it is easier to work for an agency and I have considered it quite a lot recently, but I know if I stick it through the hard times of essentially starting my own business then the payoff will be greater in the end. Basically if I were to do 10 therapy sessions a week I would be making the same amount of money in 1.5 days as some of my recently graduated classmates working 40hrs a week.
All this to say I need to start giving myself some credit for not taking the easy way out. My friend pointed this out to me yesterday when we’re having one of those “what the hell am I doing with my life” conversations. He reminded me of how hard I’ve been working since he knew me, he said “when I met you, you had no car, you were riding you’re bike in the freezing rain delivering sandwiches, then going to school after, you’re inspiring and have a strong work ethic.” I needed to hear that because I’m so deficit focused in my life it’s hard for me to acknowledge how hard I work. My fear is that if I start feeling proud of myself I’ll get lazy and stop accomplishing. Though even this mentality that I’m lazy is still yet another example of my childish thought process (I.e. accomplish more to make mom happy). I’m so humble I think it would be okay for me to feel proud of myself a little bit, I doubt my head will get too big, that’s just not in my character I believe.
I did talk to my mom a couple days ago because of my financial situation, ultimately we ended up talking about my childhood. She had a moment of understanding she told me when I gave her an example of how me and my sister took care of her as children through removing the responsibility of taking care of us. I explained to her I was taking care of her by taking care of myself (in unskillful ways of course, ie self harm, depression, compliance) she said in the past she struggled to understand what I meant but she said she finally understands, especially when I gave her an example of how my younger cousins do the same thing with their mom and she can see the emotional problems manifesting within them currently. While I’m glad we finally had a moment of understanding I’m still not veering from the path of mental independence from her and I told her that, for which she said she understands and she supports me in that decision. Probably the most productive conversation I’ve had with her in years.
on another topic I’ve been researching a lot on Buddhism and lust, romance, and sex. I have a lot of issues in this area I was so deprived of physical touch as a child that when I meet a woman it drives me literally insane. I’ve been intentionally celibate for a period of 9months when I was 24 because it was causing such a problem for me but I didn’t feel great about it then either. I’m not sure what the healthy balanced way forward is in this area I feel a lot of shame because I’ve only slept with 8 women and I’m 27 years old, and it’s not that I want to hit some arbitrary number, it’s more that I feel worthless or unworthy of affection. I’d like to think that’s not true I do get complimented frequently on my looks when I go out, but it seems like that’s all I’m good for, or at least that’s what I’ve reduced myself to.June 26, 2019 at 8:24 am #300851
I remember the posts you made when you were riding a bicycle to make money. You are amazing this way, persevering as you have done. Courageous and .. well, amazing !
Working Contract and not for a non profit agency is the way to go, makes sense to work less and earn more while answering to no one except for your own/ the profession code of ethics.
Regarding the conversation you had with your mother, it reminds me of previous conversations you had when she validated your childhood experience of not attending to you. She even volunteered the story that she left you as a baby in one room while attempting suicide in another room…. You were excited over those conversations, you felt validated, but that excitement didn’t lead you to better mental health, made no difference. And then, more recently when you visited her she was trying to.. what was it, drive your father’s vehicle into a wall or something like that…
The solution to your troubled childhood is not in the hands of the person who created that trouble for you, or one of the two people who created your troubled childhood. Remember that, don’t look for her validation anymore, for her understanding… it didn’t serve you before and it will only serve to postpone your healing.
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 5:32 am #324347
I hope you have been well. It never ceases to amaze me how you seem to available for so many in need. Thank you.
Since I last posted I have been doing in general a lot better thank the past couple years. At one point I wanted to post here to tell you about positive progress. I’m still progressing which is difficult in itself to admit in moments of pain. Which is what I’m here to discuss, pain.
I was dating a woman for about a month and a half. She was in graduate school to also become a therapist. The short version of this story is we had an emotional connection we couldn’t deny, but that wasn’t enough, because I know what I want and she did not. She was also bisexual and hadn’t been with a man in 5 years because of sexual trauma. I was very responsive, accessible, and engaged towards her. She was engaged with me in my presence, but was hard to reach and not always responsive to my needs.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>
we talked a few weeks ago and she told me she intended to go on a date with someone else. Which I had no objections to. I set a boundary with her that if she were to date me she would date only me, not the first time I’ve done this in my dating history. After that conversation I told her not to reach out unless she wanted me and only me. A couple days later she reached out. The next Saturday we talked about it and she agreed to date only me, though she had arranged a date that night with a new person, and assured me it wasn’t going anywhere and she would come to my house aFterward that night. She never came. And it sent me into a spiral. I had actually dealt with the first ending with her very well, I recognized some of my negative core beliefs flaring up but instead I encouraged myself to just feel sad, to feel it completely and intensely as it was asking of me, after a couple of days I was feeling like I was going to be okay. However after she reached out to me told me she wanted to be exclusive and then broke her word, all of those negative core beliefs came rushing in, and my suicidal ideation got out of control. I was sent home from one of my jobs because I was in tears at my desk and couldn’t get anything done. I’m no longer feeling suicidal, and I’m also seeing my therapist. But I couldn’t believe how different I handled my feelings in the span of 2 weeks. I told here I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore, because her words and actions don’t line up.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>
My question right now to myself and this forum is what is my pain trying to tell me? I’m constantly triggered and get the worst pains right in my gut throughout the day when I feel lonely. I’m trying to be there for myself and challenge my negative core beliefs but they keep interjecting and wanting attention. Im refraining from dating again until I feel a little less raw and hurt.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>
If you have any wisdom for me, as always it’s appreciated<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>November 25, 2019 at 11:10 am #324409
Good to read from you again. Only recently I thought about you, wondering if you post again. So pleased that you have. Thank you for the kind words in the opening of your recent post.
I read through some of your posts in previous threads, gathered some quotes and lost them as my internet today is fragile, comes and goes. I will post to you today using my words only, no quotes from you except from your post of this morning:
“what is my pain trying to tell me?”
My answer- nothing new. Your pain is not telling you anything new but the same thing it always told you: it feels dark and cold and empty and hopeless, and always the same, to be alone and lonely, hour after hour, day after day, hoping for a different tomorrow.
What I have learned more thoroughly since I last communicated with you is that we people keep re-experiencing our childhood experience, keep re-living it year after year, decade after decade. No wonder, really, because most of our brains are formed with that childhood experience in it.
When that childhood experience was horrendous enough, our thinking gets distorted; we keep projecting that experience into our current circumstances; our ability to correctly evaluate people and situations is compromised, plus, to add to our difficulties, we are dealing with people whose childhoods were also horrendous enough to distort their thinking and sometimes their honesty is terribly compromised, and when that happens, we are more lost than lost.
To live a different kind of life experience than the same-old-same-old experience of childhood we have to do the following:
1. Move out of home of origin/ End the same-old-same-old family roles. If you currently live with either one, or both of your parents, that will maintain that same-old-same-old childhood experience within the home and outside. If you move out, you will still experience the same-old-same-old, but there will be a chance that you will experience something new. If you move out and you are still trying to help your sister by attending to your mother so that your sister is less burdened, that is a family role that you will have to give up for a chance at experiencing a new kind of life.
2. Focus on your career so to bring in an adequate monthly income, so that you can live away from family members and be comfortable.
3. As far as women- approach dating from a scientific perspective. Put together a questionaire for potential girlfriends and see t it that any one particular woman answered correctly to the major questions in this questionaire. I don’t mean necessarily that you hand each candidate a paper or online questionaire, but that you have one available and that you keep a record of her answers/ relevant information to your questions.
First question: ask the woman what is it that she wants. Vague answers will not do. You want clarity and specifics. This woman you last dated agreed to date only you but then went on a date with another man, telling you that she will come by your house after that date. Seems like you agreed to that. But wait: what is it that she wants with that guy, that other date? And if you want a woman who will want only you, why is it that you agreed to have her in your home after her date with another man?
Let’s say she told you: yes, I want to date only you, but I want to go on this date because.. Wait, this is not making any sense.
This is why I am suggesting the scientific approach. I am suggesting science because science has a good record at making sense.
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 12:57 pm #324437
Thank you for your reply.
I have been moved out of my sisters house since this August, and I am finally financially secure and fully independent again. I do have a roommate and she has been great to me and patient with my rollercoaster of emotion.
I was trying to be patient with this most recent woman tolerating her indecisiveness because I thought she was worth it. However her not knowing what she wanted was ultimately the problem. As I mentioned she was bisexual and the other date she went on was with a woman, she hadn’t been with a man except me in years. She brought this up multiple times as a source of internal conflict, feeling a rare emotional connection to me, but also still desiring women.
To your point of people living out their childhood experience as an adult, I see this all the time in my work as a therapist and my own experience with it is what makes me a good therapist myself, I have received countless compliments from people how they feel understood for the first time and like things are starting to make sense. I’m beginning to realize I’m far more emotionally mature than I thought. Of course I have a ways to go and wisdom to be found, but in general I have done the work that the vast majority of people don’t do. This scares me because I’m fearful I won’t ever find a secure attachment with anyone because so many people are so wounded and lost in the world, including myself. This leaves me with a very small pool of healthy adults to choose from.
Problem for me is that just because I’ve done the intrapsychic work on myself, I still experience my childhood attachment pains when triggered like it was happening now. My answer thus far has been to show gratitude towards those wounded parts of my psyche for getting me this far, I see my inner critic as my inner child still screaming out for attention. So I try to listen to what he needs. Lately I’ve been struggling to identify how to help him. I know I need connection with other people and even though I have many friends I have few people I feel vulnerable with.
I wondered today why did I even post here? I think it’s because I feel safe sharing here with you above all, and I need to know someone values me enough to pay full attention. I believe that’s what I need more than anything is a safe non judgmental group of people to fill me up when I feel down. I need to be heard. Thank you for listening.
i think my ultimate question for myself is and will be do I keep reaching out for connection? Or do I just accept things the way they are and just be? I’m torn, reaching out has ended in pain, at least romantically speaking, it has worked out with other relationships though. I’m just scared to move forward right now and don’t know where to find strength.