I’m sure you think it’s a bad idea, but I’m looking forward to being with my sister and her boyfriend, and my friends more than anything. I’m also looking forward to practicing detachment when I am around my mom. I’m just in a spot currently where I can’t afford to pay next months rent, and also need to be around people to some degree.

I understand what you mean. I would agree. If my financial situation wasn’t an issue I would’ve never considered but it’s the only place I can go rent free. I’m hoping to test my ability to mentally detach from my mom while I’m there, I don’t want progress to stop just because I’m in physical proximity. My current stress level is extremely high, but I’m hoping it will all pay off in the end. Instead of taking a crappy nonprofit job like most of my classmates I’m taking an unconventional route for a new therapist by doing contract jobs, which require more self-marketing because I’m not fed as many clients as nonprofit agencies. However I know with my specialized skill set, and demographic characteristics it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be independent again. Life is difficult right now to say the least. I’m trying to practice gratitude to keep my mind in the right place while everything around me is unstable.

Anita,

The difference between contract and working for an agency (non profit) is that I get to keep more of what I make, have more control over my schedule, and don’t have anyone to answer to besides my code of ethics of course. Ultimately it is easier to work for an agency and I have considered it quite a lot recently, but I know if I stick it through the hard times of essentially starting my own business then the payoff will be greater in the end. Basically if I were to do 10 therapy sessions a week I would be making the same amount of money in 1.5 days as some of my recently graduated classmates working 40hrs a week.

All this to say I need to start giving myself some credit for not taking the easy way out. My friend pointed this out to me yesterday when we’re having one of those “what the hell am I doing with my life” conversations. He reminded me of how hard I’ve been working since he knew me, he said “when I met you, you had no car, you were riding you’re bike in the freezing rain delivering sandwiches, then going to school after, you’re inspiring and have a strong work ethic.” I needed to hear that because I’m so deficit focused in my life it’s hard for me to acknowledge how hard I work. My fear is that if I start feeling proud of myself I’ll get lazy and stop accomplishing. Though even this mentality that I’m lazy is still yet another example of my childish thought process (I.e. accomplish more to make mom happy). I’m so humble I think it would be okay for me to feel proud of myself a little bit, I doubt my head will get too big, that’s just not in my character I believe.

I did talk to my mom a couple days ago because of my financial situation, ultimately we ended up talking about my childhood. She had a moment of understanding she told me when I gave her an example of how me and my sister took care of her as children through removing the responsibility of taking care of us. I explained to her I was taking care of her by taking care of myself (in unskillful ways of course, ie self harm, depression, compliance) she said in the past she struggled to understand what I meant but she said she finally understands, especially when I gave her an example of how my younger cousins do the same thing with their mom and she can see the emotional problems manifesting within them currently. While I’m glad we finally had a moment of understanding I’m still not veering from the path of mental independence from her and I told her that, for which she said she understands and she supports me in that decision. Probably the most productive conversation I’ve had with her in years.

on another topic I’ve been researching a lot on Buddhism and lust, romance, and sex. I have a lot of issues in this area I was so deprived of physical touch as a child that when I meet a woman it drives me literally insane. I’ve been intentionally celibate for a period of 9months when I was 24 because it was causing such a problem for me but I didn’t feel great about it then either. I’m not sure what the healthy balanced way forward is in this area I feel a lot of shame because I’ve only slept with 8 women and I’m 27 years old, and it’s not that I want to hit some arbitrary number, it’s more that I feel worthless or unworthy of affection. I’d like to think that’s not true I do get complimented frequently on my looks when I go out, but it seems like that’s all I’m good for, or at least that’s what I’ve reduced myself to.

Anita,

I hope you have been well. It never ceases to amaze me how you seem to available for so many in need. Thank you.

Since I last posted I have been doing in general a lot better thank the past couple years. At one point I wanted to post here to tell you about positive progress. I’m still progressing which is difficult in itself to admit in moments of pain. Which is what I’m here to discuss, pain.

I was dating a woman for about a month and a half. She was in graduate school to also become a therapist. The short version of this story is we had an emotional connection we couldn’t deny, but that wasn’t enough, because I know what I want and she did not. She was also bisexual and hadn’t been with a man in 5 years because of sexual trauma. I was very responsive, accessible, and engaged towards her. She was engaged with me in my presence, but was hard to reach and not always responsive to my needs. 

we talked a few weeks ago and she told me she intended to go on a date with someone else. Which I had no objections to. I set a boundary with her that if she were to date me she would date only me, not the first time I’ve done this in my dating history. After that conversation I told her not to reach out unless she wanted me and only me. A couple days later she reached out. The next Saturday we talked about it and she agreed to date only me, though she had arranged a date that night with a new person, and assured me it wasn’t going anywhere and she would come to my house aFterward that night. She never came. And it sent me into a spiral. I had actually dealt with the first ending with her very well, I recognized some of my negative core beliefs flaring up but instead I encouraged myself to just feel sad, to feel it completely and intensely as it was asking of me, after a couple of days I was feeling like I was going to be okay. However after she reached out to me told me she wanted to be exclusive and then broke her word, all of those negative core beliefs came rushing in, and my suicidal ideation got out of control. I was sent home from one of my jobs because I was in tears at my desk and couldn’t get anything done. I’m no longer feeling suicidal, and I’m also seeing my therapist. But I couldn’t believe how different I handled my feelings in the span of 2 weeks. I told here I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore, because her words and actions don’t line up. 

My question right now to myself and this forum is what is my pain trying to tell me? I’m constantly triggered and get the worst pains right in my gut throughout the day when I feel lonely. I’m trying to be there for myself and challenge my negative core beliefs but they keep interjecting and wanting attention. Im refraining from dating again until I feel a little less raw and hurt. 

If you have any wisdom for me, as always it’s appreciated 

Anita

Thank you for your reply.

I have been moved out of my sisters house since this August, and I am finally financially secure and fully independent again. I do have a roommate and she has been great to me and patient with my rollercoaster of emotion.

I was trying to be patient with this most recent woman tolerating her indecisiveness because I thought she was worth it. However her not knowing what she wanted was ultimately the problem. As I mentioned she was bisexual and the other date she went on was with a woman, she hadn’t been with a man except me in years. She brought this up multiple times as a source of internal conflict, feeling a rare emotional connection to me, but also still desiring women.

To your point of people living out their childhood experience as an adult, I see this all the time in my work as a therapist and my own experience with it is what makes me a good therapist myself, I have received countless compliments from people how they feel understood for the first time and like things are starting to make sense. I’m beginning to realize I’m far more emotionally mature than I thought. Of course I have a ways to go and wisdom to be found, but in general I have done the work that the vast majority of people don’t do. This scares me because I’m fearful I won’t ever find a secure attachment with anyone because so many people are so wounded and lost in the world, including myself. This leaves me with a very small pool of healthy adults to choose from.

Problem for me is that just because I’ve done the intrapsychic  work on myself, I still experience my childhood attachment pains when triggered like it was happening now. My answer thus far has been to show gratitude towards those wounded parts of my psyche for getting me this far, I see my inner critic as my inner child still screaming out for attention. So I try to listen to what he needs. Lately I’ve been struggling to identify how to help him. I know I need connection with other people and even though I have many friends I have few people I feel vulnerable with.

I wondered today why did I even post here? I think it’s because I feel safe sharing here with you above all, and I need to know someone values me enough to pay full attention. I believe that’s what I need more than anything is a safe non judgmental group of people to fill me up when I feel down. I need to be heard. Thank you for listening.

i think my ultimate question for myself is and will be do I keep reaching out for connection? Or do I just accept things the way they are and just be? I’m torn, reaching out has ended in pain, at least romantically speaking, it has worked out with other relationships though. I’m just scared to move forward right now and don’t know where to find strength.