Anita

I went out with some friends from school friday night and brought some of my friends along, although i rarely go out drinking maybe once a year, i actually enjoyed the company of some of my classmates. I definitely drank too much and paid for it with a hangover and fatigue, probably because i was in a anxious state to begin with since stopping smoking, and have barely been sleeping at all. Nonetheless i discovered through that night and my other group class that i am not alone in struggling with stress from school, depression, and feeling inadequate. This was eye opening to me as I feel isolated and lonely more often than not. After getting home at 5am i woke up at 730 took a cab back to my car and drove an hour back to my hometown to use my dads garage to work on my car.

At one point me and my dad talked about what happened last weekend when my parents came over unannounced, and for a change my dad said something different than i expected. in regards to the blunt way i talked to them last weekend he replied “well son it needed to be said, and i hate that it took me this long to realize that i need to change and work on myself. That it took this many mistakes.” i was shocked to hear this. Also during this same weekend i went to visit my grandmother with my mom and discovered my grandmother had tried to kill herself once, my own mother didnt even know this. I learned that my great grandmother (who also raised my mother) was apparently very uncomfortable with difficult emotions and taught both my mom and grandmother that the family needed to always look well put together even if it wasn’t. it clicked with me that this is where the sugar coating of problems began.

I talked with my mom briefly before i went to sleep, i could tell she was sad the entire time i was home but i knew i couldn’t let myself try to take care of her in any way, and i didn’t to protect myself. It wasn’t easy either, it took alot strength for me not to say “mom are you okay?” but i didn’t. When we talked she acknowledged and agreed that i shouldn’t have and never should have to worry about my parents feelings, and she acknowledged the effect this had on me. I told her to her face i never felt the love as a child, if i did i wouldn’t have tried to kill myself. She agreed. Again i was shocked, and while i know that i either way i can’t be worried about how my parents are feeling, I can say that i am grateful that they finally understand why i need distance. Although, i was already in a good mood and knew better than to care if they approved of my decision or not, it meant a lot to me that they are supporting me now, and sped up the process of lifting off some of the shame i carry. Again this eradication of shame was happening in me either way, but i cant sit here and pretend like having their approval didn’t help any. And i’m also relieved that my mom is going away for a while to get intensive help, for the sake of my sisters well being if nothing else. At this point all of my family members are in therapy. Something i am grateful for not because it means i will receive love i missed out on, but if nothing else to have healthier human beings on this planet in general.

Aside from those interactions with family, i continue to be more open with friends and find it being reciprocated and it feels damn good. With that being said i’m afraid of losing what i have been building and have a fatalistic anxiety feeling as if my confidence and feelings of self worth cant last too much longer before i fall back into the way of being like you’ve quoted above. Im still not sleeping well and 3hrs a night is just about what i’ve been getting and it’s taking a lot of mindfulness to get through these 14hour days of work and class.

I still feel a bit worthless though. im just trying not to let those feelings run my life at the moment. But i can’t lie i get jealous of my friend who i introduced to my classmates(all women) and they wont shut up about how good looking he is. I think well nobody feels that way about me. I also feel inadequate when his friend pulls out his phone and shows me a list of all the women he’s slept with which is probably 10 times as many as mine. The rational part of me knows he’s probably got a problem with himself if he feels the need to pursue women as such driving across the state sometimes just for sex. But theres a part of me that is very jealous of guys like that, that seem wanted, as i still dont feel desired or wanted. Though the thought crossed my mind when were out drunkenly dancing  how easy it would be to convince someone to come home with me, then even in my drunkness i thought to myself “you already tried casual sex and it didnt give you what you needed”.

Hey Anita

I wish I could express in words how grateful I am for this. Since I had been feeling well after this weekend I decided to get back on a dating app. I get frustrated with women who give me their number and say yeah let’s go on a date tommorow then never text back. So I deleted it again today as I do on a regular basis. I might still go on a date this weekend but I’m not getting my hopes up that she’ll remember to contact me. This cycle of flaky people quickly throws me back into a place of feeling unlovable. Angry that it happened again I rode my motorcycle to the river today and sat on the shore and cried and watched the sunset over the city until it got dark and I had to leave. I tried my best to tell myself just because I am not loved in that moment doesent mean it’s not possible. I thought back to what you wrote about just because I wasn’t loved by one woman (mom) doesent mean I’m unlovable. I sat there and cried and thought about 6 year old me hiding in the cabinet neglected as my parents fought. I tried to imagine if I came across that kid walking by the river how I would hold him until he felt safe. This really helped for once. I thought about myself now as a man and asked what’s the difference? Why can’t this man be loved. I thought about how I give love to people in my life who need it. I thought about how easy it is for me to read through people’s facades and see their pain behind their smiles. I wondered why no one sees me this way. Why no one sees my pain. I felt i need to be seen, I need attention. Real attention, not the type I get from friends who sometimes use me to boost their own egos. I need someone to care about me I thought, and is that so bad? To need another human being sometimes. Am I asking too much to want to share my happiness or sadness with someone else? Either way I took it upon myself to do this and didn’t leave the river until I told myself “there’s nothing wrong with being in need” I treat people all the time in need and don’t think anything is wrong with them. I asked myself why do I feel I habe to be doing more than I’m doing now just to be loved? I told myself I don’t have to a damn thing to be loved, not change my body image any more, not make more money, win more races, get more degrees, not a damn thing I told myself. I could love just about anybody so what makes me an exception.

I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of being in need of love or another person and I’m not sure why. But i feel the need right now for a connection and don’t know what to do about it. For now I try to just accept the pain and told myself life will be painful at times no matter what.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Hey jarred,

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. That being said I would advise you to ask your mom if you can see a psychotherapist. Also you may want to create your own thread on this forum as this one has kind of become a personal thread at this point.

I hope you understand using weed before your brain has fully developed has unknown effects on its growth. If your having these thoughts of suicide that means you are in great pain, and the thoughts are an attempt to regulate the pain, to gain control over what seems to be a life that is out of your control.

Weed helped you regulate the pain, but there are better ways than drugs. All drugs do is push down (depress) what needs to be felt and understood by us. You need to feel this pain, and you will grow into a strong man because of it.

Please get help immediately, there is hope for you as there is for me without drugs.

Anita

Once again you are spot on. Anger is absolutely what keeps me uncomfortable with being in a need. I get angry with women who have treated me disrespectfully and it seems sometimes to be the only ones I choose. Then I sat to myself I don’t need them. Which is not true I need affection, and love from another person more than I care to admit. I fake strong by isolating myself when really I’m just avoiding the possibility of being hurt again. It hurts me to have hope though. It’s something to loose. I’m not sure how to navigate this pain though. I don’t want to give up I want to believe but as you wrote my heart has grown hard, and I can’t keep living this way. Should I be opening myself up to keep getting hurt? I struggle with feeling safe vs. Feeling loved the two feelings have never been simoltaneously present within me. I’m not sure what to do about this constant aching need. I just don’t know if I have the strength to keep taking risks. But not taking any risks at all is almost worse. I need to find a way to accept the pain that comes along with being alive. I just don’t know how.

Edit: I guess I didn’t read thoroughly enough. You’re saying directing my anger at the cause will help (parents) alleviate the anger I carry around. I just feel so inadequate compared to others. Like an outsider. And I slip into depression over any small disapproval from an other. Is it really a possibility for me to be experience happiness as a loner? I know this pain is telling me otherwise, I just think if I can make it through some more pain I’ll eventually grow out of it. But I’m not sure that’s true. I hope this is making sense, it’s really hard for me to articulate.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

actually what i need is something just to get me through the day. This pain is becoming too much

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Thanks again I’m not sure there is really anything anyone else can do to help me at this point. I slept for a couple more hours after sobbing on the floor like a child for about half an hour. I feel like I’m at my absolute limit. I really want to escape. I’ve done everything I can think of, cut off my parents, quit weed, self empathy etc. It’s just not working I don’t know how to do this. I need another person I think to be by my side through all this that’s the only thing I could see helping. But it’s making me cry right now thinking about all the lonely nights ahead of me, I just don’t think I can keep up dragging along like this too much longer before I do something drastic.

I know we have been working towards this but maybe we could come up with some kind of healing plan for me based on what youve learned from me. I hate that i keep asking the same questions over and over again i feel like this thread is too long and I’m not learning and wasting you’re time.