Home→Forums→Relationships→Can't forget some things she said
- This topic has 33 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by
Peck.
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October 10, 2019 at 8:10 am #317111
AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Peck. I like your sense of humor (“growth or masochism”). Looking forward to your repsonses.
anita
October 10, 2019 at 8:39 am #317121
ValoraParticipantPeck,
I really like and appreciate that you’re taking the time to think and respond rather than react. That’s a REALLY excellent quality that a lot of people don’t have, and I bet it’s one of the things your partner loves about you. That action alone gives you a ton of value.
October 10, 2019 at 10:58 am #317157
BrandyParticipantHi Peck,
Your posts are really great, and I concur with Valora. Your wife may be nitpicking you about your looks because she’s not happy with her own. I think by age 60 many (but not all) experience a decline in energy and good health, feel less attractive, less creative and often dissatisfied with how their lives have turned out, all of which may affect libido. Sounds depressing I know (sorry!) but maybe this has something to do with your wife’s behavior. Everyone copes differently, I think.
B
October 10, 2019 at 1:05 pm #317183
InkyParticipantFor goodness sake, people, what about chemistry? The last I checked (and felt) looks aren’t everything. There have been men I was attracted to that I would never admit to! Yes, even bald men. Yes, even small men. Yes, even older men. Yes, even the guy with the glasses.
There have also been attractive men that smelled “off”. Had no game. Felt like my brother.
Meanwhile I’m crushing on the little cameraman from New York and telling the model, “Get lost, kid! You’re bothering me!”
You can be a sexy beast to someone and not even know! Believe it! Live it!
Now go out there and swagger!
Inky
October 10, 2019 at 1:26 pm #317187BrandyParticipantLol. I love Inky!
October 10, 2019 at 1:40 pm #317195AnonymousGuestDear Peck:
As you can see, a few women, including myself, found quite an interest in your plea and messaged you repeatedly. No men. But Inky got as close as one can get to the male perspective: “go out there and swagger!”-
(This is one of The Best of Inky’s, by the way and one of her very best).
Go out there and swagger- this is the best answer you can get in the whole wide world. Go out there and get together with a woman who you do turn on, if it is not your partner, then someone else.
True what inky says, women being attracted to “bald men. Yes, even small men. Yes, even older men. Yes, even the guy with the glasses”.
At 60+, might as well make it happen. No reason to rot in that aim of equanimity that you mentioned before. Go out there and swagger!
anita
October 10, 2019 at 9:19 pm #317271
PeggyParticipantHi Peck,
Perhaps you need to share those strong emotions that have come up. Cry, laugh, shout, scream, swear, kick a ball, go for a run. You are in pain, nerves have been touched, honesty may have arrived. Ouch!
Growth is over-rated. I stopped doing it when I was about 18 and it hasn’t done me any harm. Let the ugly stuff come up and then release it forever. Ditch what you don’t need. If it doesn’t nurture you, let it go. Love’s the bit you keep.
Peggy
October 10, 2019 at 9:43 pm #317277
PeckParticipantI started running my mouth about this yesterday, and I feel like I should come to some conclusion, or be working toward one in some clear, tangible way. I don’t think I’m ready to, though. It’s like I can’t move.
It’s raining here tonight. The rain’s falling in muffled taps against the side of my house. And it’s falling in a tinny ping on my bedroom window. The two sounds blend like voices chanting. No words, but a lot of meaning still. I think I’m supposed to hear something like an answer to the question I’m asking, the question I always ask. Like there’s some wisdom in the harmony of those misty voices.
Maybe it will rain all night.
October 11, 2019 at 5:26 am #317299InkyParticipant“The Best of Inky Award Goes to…” *opens envelope* “…Inky!”
“Thank You, Thank You!”
*bows* 😉
October 11, 2019 at 6:09 am #317305AnonymousGuest* Yes, it does, The Best of Inky’s Award does Go to … the One and Only Inky!
(worth repeating)
anita
October 11, 2019 at 1:59 pm #317371PeckParticipantSo I’m in a little better place to think this through today. As is the case for anyone, I bring my own not always entirely open and accepting perspective to this. I’m still fighting this, but I know that means I’m resisting things I’d be better off accepting and working with, or the resistance is wheel spinning when I might be able to affect some change. You know, take responsibility for stuff I didn’t cause or ask for.
Even now I want to argue, like there’s a healthy alternative to taking responsibility. Change the things I can, accept the things I can’t change, and take heed of the difference. I say “take heed” because I damned well know the difference.
Thanks again.
Oh, and Anita, yes, I’d like to be desired for my body. I can’t lie about that. I wonder if those who have that experience really know what it’s like not to. And likewise, those of us who aren’t lusted after probably fail to see the downside. I’d take my chances, though. And I’m sure my sex makes a difference. There’s really little disadvantage to being a really attractive man.
Take care.
October 11, 2019 at 3:58 pm #317375BrandyParticipantHi Peck,
Your wife’s friends told her that they thought she’d be with someone more attractive than you (wait, do friends really say those things to each other?), and she then shares the information with you. Sharing that with you was hurtful and unnecessary, and not revealing why she would share it, leaving you to make sense of it on your own, was cruel.
What kind of person is your wife? Just wondering.
B
October 11, 2019 at 4:15 pm #317379BrandyParticipantP.S. Sorry, I meant partner, not wife.
October 11, 2019 at 9:18 pm #317411PeggyParticipantHi Peck,
Perhaps there’s something wrong with me but I am looking at this entirely from a different perspective than most others seem to have adopted.
1) A comment made about a celebrity is not a comment made about you – forget it, not important.
2) Baldness is frequently seen as a symbol of virility – some men deliberately shave their heads – is this a problem?
3) You have apparently bagged a more attractive partner than yourself – swell your chest, you lucky buzzard.
The answers are all there. You are just looking in the wrong place for them. Do you think all those wizened 70/80 year old celebrities with the half aged beauty on their arm have really attracted their partners through looks. No. Of course not. They have compensating factors called money and fame. If that’s what floats your boat…….
I suggest you locate a copy of the film “The Full Monty”, one of the best films ever made in my opinion. None of the stars are drop-dead gorgeous – just a bunch of ordinary looking men coming in all sorts of shapes and sizes with all sorts of hang-ups. What you need is a change in your perceptions and it could be just the film to do it for you. Enjoy.
Peggy
October 12, 2019 at 7:40 am #317455AnonymousGuestDear Peck:
“It’s raining here tonight. The rain’s falling in muffled taps against the side of my house. And it’s falling in a tinny ping on my bedroom window. The two sounds blend like voices chanting. No words, but a lot of meaning still. I think I’m supposed to hear something like an answer to the question I’m asking, the question I always ask. Like there’s some wisdom in the harmony of those misty voices”-
– I re-read and studied your posts (not the replies), and I would like to suggest what I see as some wisdom in the harmony of what you shared here:
The key sentences (not necessarily in order) in your shares are these:
“I went mostly unnoticed at 18 or 25 or 30… I feel invisible, and I so want to be seen. And maybe if the woman who loves me doesn’t see me anymore, or perhaps never did see me as I hoped to be seen, then I have to let go of the hope that anyone ever will.. I’m here on the internet because I feel like I can’t talk to her about how I really feel, because that may kill any attraction she may still have for me… That shook my confidence, in myself and maybe in us.. or in the hope I had that we’d be different than most couples. Seems like a pretty childish hope now”.
In other words, this relationship of twenty years has been dying for a long time and currently, it is pretty dead.
“when I felt a loss, or several losses, I talked about it, which turns out to have been bad form. I should stoically accepted the loss, and maybe she would have seen that as attractive, or at least not as unattractive as me asking for what I needed”.
The relationship is dead and she is the one of the two of you that killed it through indifference. She doesn’t care to see you anymore, doesn’t care to hear you anymore. Once again, like so often before in your life, you are invisible and mute, I suppose. You are unseen and unheard within your now 20 year relationship.
“Somewhere someone told me that being vulnerable was a good thing. Maybe I don’t do vulnerable right… I’m attracted to her, though, and I tell her and show her often.. I do love her”…”I’m angry if she could (reciprocate), but doesn’t see the need”- she doesn’t see the need. She is indifferent to you.
“I do love her, and I believe she loves me”- I don’t think she loves you. Not anymore.
The sex part, the decline, that is a side issue. If it was the main issue, there are lots of books on the matter of sex in later life, and there are sex therapists, plenty of resources to help.
But you can’t help, or cure indifference.
anita
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