Dear Lisa:

Respond anytime, when you can, no time limit here, no such thing as being late to your thread!

anita

Dear Lisa:

It is a good thing you do have a job that includes benefits. It is admirable that you still do take care of yourself financially.

You wrote in your recent post about people you encounter in the world: “the most vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them”.

Based on my years long communication with you, mostly in your previous thread, I am listing what I believe to be your four core beliefs:

Core Belief #1: you see men  as creeps who are “stomping all over the world and do whatever they want”

Core Belief #2: you see women as weak people who accommodate men and “go along with the creeps”.

Core Belief #3: You see yourself as a woman rebel who does not go along with the creeps and suffers for it.

Core Belief #4: the universe (as a higher power) wants you to suffer throughout your life, and therefore, it intentionally and repeatedly puts you in situations where people mistreat you.

Most recently, you suffered a customer treating  you passive-aggressively and you controlled your desire to call him up on it/ to rebel (“I went against my beliefs in order to stay calm and not lose my job, my benefits”), and because you didn’t act like the Rebel that you feel pride in, you feel instead like a coward (“That makes me a coward”).

The core beliefs I listed above are very rigid/ inflexible. You expressed these with consistency all through the months and years.

I am not a medical doctor or any type of health professional, but I can recommend to you that you see a health professional and be re-evaluated for the purpose of figuring out (if it wasn’t done so far) if you fit one or a combination of Cluster A personality disorders.

Wiki states the following about the symptoms in the cluster A,  schizotypical personality disorder:  “acute discomfort in close relationships, cognitive or perceptual distortions,  and eccentricities of behavior… have difficulties bonding with others and experience extreme anxiety n social situations. They tend to react inappropriately or not react at all during a conversation”

And it states the following regarding the symptoms in the Cluster A, paranoid personality disorder: “a pattern of irrational suspicion and mistrust of others, interpreting motivations as malevolent… interpret the actions of others as deliberately threatening and demeaning.. often resort to angry or aggressive outbursts”.

Maybe following a re-evaluation by a professional, preferably by a team of professionals, you can receive a better treatment than what you  have received so far, and maybe, so I hope, the poor quality of your experience can significantly improve.

anita

Dear Lisa:

I re-read some of your first Thread, Alone, a fitting title to your ongoing life experience.

I asked you above if you were diagnosed by a professional, and I found at least part of the answer in your May 2017 share: “My parents were teenagers when I was born. They were possibly involved in drugs and drinking of some kind in the late 60s… I remember all through childhood I had to take a pill everyday supposedly to calm me down… I was described as a hyperactive child. I was put on a pill daily. When I was around 14-15 a doctor ho took over the practice of my other doctor refused to  prescribe the pill for me.. that it was ‘speed’… my ocd became worse. I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have tortured myself over that nearly my whole life.  Those are just examples of my ocd”-

-You were born to a teenage mother who possibly drank alcohol and used other drugs. Here is what a study in www. ncbi. nlm. nih. gov states: “Studies on children prenatally exposed to maternal opioid and poly- substance abuse show an increased risk of regulatory problems, such as behavioral and emotional problems, aggression, attention deficits, and ADHD symptoms”. Wikipedia on ADHD states: “Alcohol intake during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol spectrum disorders which can include ADHD or symptoms like it”. It also states: “Exposure to tobacco smoke during pregnancy can cause problems with central nervous system development and can increase the risk of ADHD”, and that “extreme neglect, abuse, or social deprivation also increase the risk”.

If your mother drank alcohol, and/ or smoked tobacco, and/ or took opioids or other powerful drugs while she was a teenager, not planning on getting pregnant, not knowing she was pregnant for a while, then maybe not knowing that she wasn’t supposed to drink, smoke, etc., then to top that, she did what you certainly know that she did: give you away to a foster home in another state, and maybe there you suffered extreme neglect and social deprivation (I don’t know)- then this was a very, very unfortunate start of your life, leading to neurological damage expressed in Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

* One ongoing compulsion you have is to edit your posts, correcting mistyped or misspelled words, and when you  run out of edits, you feel the compulsion to post an apology. Your first apology was on May 2, 2017: “Sorry for spelling mistakes or typos rather in my post. I was very tried and should have checked”, and the most recent apology is two years and nine months later, Feb 16, 2020: “I apologize for the poor wording and typos above. I had just woke  up… I am just not the best typist”.

Similar to you, I was also described as a hyperactive child who couldn’t sit still. I did have trouble paying attention throughout my years in school and beyond. I too had OCD, having been diagnosed with the latter, performing hundreds of rituals, or compulsions, such as the few you described.

In May 2017, at 48 years old, you shared: “I can barely take care of myself because of emotional problems. Most of my energy has been spent keeping a roof over my head.. I have worked long and hard doing many jobs I do not like.. I am always in a survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode… I had two tiring but somewhat fulfilling jobs in my life that I spent many years at. I could have moved up but lost both to my mood problems and crying… for not being able to control my emotions”-

-that neurological damage of childhood led to dysfunction in the employment context, as well as not being able to afford your own comfortable apartment: “I rent a room. I am 48. I have a low paying job”. The dysfunction extends to your social life as well, leading to the title of your first thread, Alone.

You are welcome to keep posting here anytime you’d like. You can respond to what I wrote to you, or not. It is your choice here, on your thread, to do as you please.

anita

Lisa,

Please feel free to respond anytime no worries about when 🙂

May I ask and if there is particular music that is helpful? Glad you have a chance to be around animals. In my town we have cat cafés where you can pet all the kitties. I don’t know if you have something like this but wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all hang out at a kitty café and talk about choosing love.

When I think of choosing love I think of authenticity. Sometimes being optimistic is hard so I try my best to be as neutral as possible and honest. It’s okay to not be ok. I try my best in these moments to tell myself I trust that it will be okay even if it isn’t right now.

So if I feel sad or frustrated I will say to myself I noticed I am feeling sad. What can I do to help and comfort myself?

Thank you for starting this thread I love being able to brainstorm ways of choosing love in a supportive environment and hearing your ideas.

I collect heart shaped rocks and give them away. They are like worry stones to hold and calm oneself. I wish I could give you one 🙂

Best,

Zeeza

Dear Lisa:

Good to read from you! I hope you will be feeling better soon, and thank you for wishing me well.

anita