Hi Anita,

Thank you for your message. I must admit, it’s a mixed bag of feelings, but I’m very happy you’ve realized that I haven’t tried to hurt you but that I actually tried to help, even if it didn’t end up being helpful:

What happened is that in my mind, you intended to hurt me. But I was wrong. Your intent was to help me. Next, after trying to make you see my point back then, and you repeating the same, I continued to address the topic in my own journaling posts, indirectly and repeatedly referring to you as someone who injured me, similarly (although to a much lesser extent, of course) to my mother.

I see now.. it all started with me- in my journaling posts, my own thread or threads- defending myself against you, but also attacking your character.

I am now taking full responsibility for misunderstanding your intent to help me as an intent to hurt me, then reacting by attacking your character in my journaling posts. I did you wrong, Tee.

Thank you, Anita, for realizing that I indeed didn’t intend to harm you but to help you, because radical acceptance (and a sort of detached compassion, which I’ve explained what I meant by) helped me heal from my mother’s abuse. I truly thought it might be beneficial for you. But I apologized when I’ve realized it was an ill-fitted advice.

I am sorry, Tee. By attacking your character, I have done you wrong. In the heart of the conflict, the misunderstanding on your part was not intentional, you didn’t try to hurt or invalidate me. You simply did your best. I should have been grateful for your efforts and not take your input the wrong way.

Thank you for acknowledging that my intention wasn’t to hurt you or invalidate you. And I fully accept your apology. Thank you.

Now, allow me to address other parts of your post, some of which were difficult to read. But I respect that this is your perspective, and I’ll try to share mine.

Memories are not exact, Tee.

I remembered it as hundreds of times because every time you did, I felt threatened by it, and that fear affected my memory. I felt threatened by it, and that fear affected my memory.

Yes, sure, if we feel threatened, our fear tends to augment the threat, see things even worse than they are.

But I also know that if we feel emotional charge towards someone, be is positive or negative, we will tend to remember who that person was. That’s why I thought you surely remember who you were talking about – since you had negative feelings towards us. So that was my reasoning.

But what you’re saying now, if I understood you correctly, is that at that time (end of July, beginning of August), you might have felt negative feelings not only towards me and Alessa, but also towards Peter and Jana:

Now, in regard to whom I was referring to in my past journaling posts: I can’t tell you about that particular sentence that you quoted- I will have to go back to that post and see that sentence in context so to determine who I was referring to. Could have been Alessa, could have bee you, could have been Jana… Peter? I don’t remember.

Okay, I didn’t know that. You did mention that at some point you felt resentment towards Peter, because he didn’t reply to one of your posts. And I also know you had a conflict with Jana earlier this year (for which she apologized at the beginning of this thread).

So I understand now that when you wrote this:

I don’t remember if I had you and/or Alessa in mind when I wrote that sentence (I wrote so much in my stream-of-consciousness posts…)

… it could have been also other members, such as Peter or Jana.

I’ve already apologized for accusing you of lying that you don’t remember whom you were talking about (Sept 7):

If you truly didn’t remember whom you were talking about, I apologize for wrongly accusing you.

But it seems you didn’t like the format of my apology, and basically rejected it, saying this:

About your “Lori has been informed” post (I forgot what thread includes it) and in the many posts on this thread, where used quotes from my stream of consciousness vulnerability against me, accusing me of lying, and trying to gather support from other members so to jointly attack me.. well, that’s up to you to take accountability (not the kind of IF I was wrong, then I apologize, but “I was wrong (where you were)”.

Okay, I was wrong – because there might have been more people whom you had negative feelings about. I’m sorry, Anita, but isn’t it kind of funny that I have to defend myself for assuming that you were less judgmental than you really were?

I mean, I thought it could have been only 2 people whom you had negative feelings about, but now you’re saying it could have been 4 people in total. Honestly, is this something you want to be proving your point about, and then accusing me of having bad intentions against you?

Please don’t take offense, but when we step back and see a bigger picture, it becomes a little absurd. I hope you see it too?

Also, Tee- your use of “we” (Tee+ Alessa.. Tee + Jana + everyone else) vs Anita is not fair to me, nor is it fair to Alessa whom you have pressured to align with you.

I did express my disappointment that Alessa glossed over the fact that you didn’t apologize to her or admit any wrong-doing, but instead, expressed your own hurt about one of her posts in which she defended me. Alessa swiftly apologized for that and after that, your conversation shifted to mental health aspects and how they may be a contributing factor to the conflict.

However, Alessa and me talked about it, and she explained what her priorities are during conflict, which I completely acknowledged and respect. These are my words to Alessa:

And you felt that it’s more important to establish rapport with Anita, to engage from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than insisting on her accountability. I understand. Whereas to me, I feel true conflict resolution can’t come about without accountability on both sides.

Please don’t feel like my feelings are more important than yours. You’ve explained what your priority is at the moment, and I respect that. I understand why you feel the way you feel

After that, I haven’t tried to change her approach to this situation. I’ve explained my perspective, but I made no attempts to make her see things differently, or to engage with you in ways that feel uncomfortable to her.

I need to communicate with you Tee- separately from Alessa- because like Alessa said herself, the two of you are very different people

You are communicating separately with her. I hold no grudges against her for having a different approach to you, and I told her so. You’ve offered her if she wants to discuss past difficulties between the two of you on her own thread, and she is of course free to take you up on that offer. She is a free person and I totally respect her needs and her wishes. She isn’t in any way accountable to me.

Also, Tee- your use of “we” (Tee+ Alessa.. Tee + Jana + everyone else) vs Anita is not fair to me,

I’ve only used “me and Alessa” in the context of us being the targets of your negative sentiments in your journal. We were at the receiving end of those negative sentiments, which you refused to stop posting, and so we both felt attacked.

As for “me + Jana”, I simply responded to her posts and expressed my feelings and experience, which might be similar to some of her feelings and experience.

How is this not fair to you? Should we just stop sharing our experiences, so you wouldn’t get offended?

This was exactly one of the main issues for multiple members: they felt that expressing opinions that you find unsettling might cause you to start judging them and speaking badly of them. And it seems you’re trying to tell me now that I shouldn’t be speaking to Jana and sharing my experiences?

Regarding “me + everyone else”: in my posts to you, I was voicing the concern expressed previously on this thread by multiple members. There was a conversation on this thread (in which I haven’t even participated from the beginning, since I was on holidays), in which members expressed their concerns about the July/August conflict.

I didn’t rally them to share those things – they did it of their own accord. So it’s not fair of you to accuse me of rallying people against you. The only time I asked for others’ feedback was here (Sept 4):

I would actually like to ask those who are reading this, if you care to answer: do you feel that either me or Alessa were abusive to Anita, i.e. that we criticized, invalidated, judged, dismissed, misused or tried to hurt Anita – all of which she claimed that we did?

This was in a post where I talked about your perception (that me and Alessa were abusive to you) vs. the reality of the situation. That’s the only time I asked people for feedback, and not in a pressuring way but simply if they cared to answer. No one did, and that’s okay.

Like you, I would also like to close my post on a positive note:

I will close this post with saying that I think some more healing is happening for me as a result of this thread. I think that I understand better and am capable now to consider .. innocent intents behind misunderstandings. And also to do more of Staying instead of Withdrawing, gently Defending instead of Attacking.

I appreciate your realization that I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I also appreciate and accept your apology.

I’m also glad that you’re experiencing some more healing thanks to this thread, including the ability to stay present with difficult emotions and stay in the dialogue, rather than withdraw and then express your grievances indirectly.

I think it’s better if we can express what bothers us directly to the person. I appreciate you’ve returned to the conversation, even if not everything you’ve said has been easy to hear.

I also appreciate you chose not to use Copilot in this post, because Copilot makes the answers a little mechanical, in my opinion. I prefer talking to a real person, not a machine, because it’s more authentic. So thanks for that 🙂

Hi Tee

I’m glad to hear that I haven’t hurt you. That would be the last thing I would want to do. ❤️

I have always struggled with conflict because of my PTSD. I’m a bit better with it now than I used to be. The slightest hint of negativity and I would break down crying in the past and that was if I felt like the person wasn’t doing it intentionally.

There are some things that I can’t talk about in a public space, but if you would like to email me. I’d be happy to talk about more freely there. I understand if that isn’t something that you’re comfortable with though. ❤️

Hi Anita,

I read your Friday Sept. 5, 9:39pm response to me on this thread, and then your Monday Sept 8, 11:50am (yesterday) post to Tee. I read each three times because I couldn’t reconcile the enormous differences between the two, with only 2.5 days between them.

There are so many here who are looking for healing, connection, validation, support, and many look up to you. Some are scared, vulnerable, broken. When you behave toward them the way you have toward Tee, you could do real harm. I realize this thread will eventually get buried under more recent threads, but maybe one person will see it.

I believe you use your sad childhood story to make excuses and justify bad behavior.
I believe you use your “status” on the forums to intimidate and silence members.
I believe you knew all along that Tee meant no harm.
I believe had members (and possibly a moderator?) not pushed back, you’d still be pushing your harmful narrative.
I believe your “assertiveness” is meant to control members and outcomes.
I believe you target certain members whom you feel threatened by.
I believe you can change your behavior starting today.

From you yesterday: …in this thread, I choose to communicate only with you Tee, if you are interested. In regard to the other participants on this thread, I am open to communicate with each and every one of you- but separately. Not here, but in other threads, 1-to 1.
No, you don’t make the rules regarding threads here.

B

Hi Tee:

I understand what you’re saying and again, I take full responsibility for talking negatively about members, including you, in these public forums. I understand it was wrong. Regarding any problem I have with a person in these forums, I need to address the person directly and respectfully.

On page 2 of this thread, on Aug 14, I wrote: “Note to all members: My posts reflect my personal experiences and thoughts. They are never directed at or referencing any forum member—except for the original poster, whom I address by name. Unless explicitly stated, my posts are not about or aimed at any individual in this forum. Still, in yet other words: my writing is personal and reflective. It is never intended as commentary on other members.”-

I kept my word since and will continue to do so.

What I asked in my last reply to you was: do you mean that it’s okay for you, Tee, at this point and onward (being that I will no longer refer to you negatively and indirectly, and being that you are welcomed to communicate with me directly)- to discuss me negatively with other members (whether I join the conversation or not)?

Anita