Hi everyone,

I thought I’d share my approach to structure comms when confronting conflict. Communication that is clear, focused, as objective as possible, and expresses our need are my core ingredients for effective conflict resolution. Here is a step by step guide on how to make a request when you have to make a stand against someone in any way, big or small. It follows a framework known as Non Violent Communication and has been a game changer for me when it comes to comms that require sensitivity. The basics are:

1. Say what the objective event was that you observed that was problematic for you.
2. Link this to how it made you feel
3. Express this as a need.
4. Make your request and be open to the possibility they may decline.

So this may look like
1. I saw that when we were going around the table asking everyone to contribute to the discussion, you allowed the first two people to speak for 10 mins each and then the others didn’t get to speak at all altho they wanted to.
2. This made me feel hurt and confused.
3. I have a need for equality.
4. When we next have a round table discussion could you please ensure that we all get to have a chance to speak?

The hardest part for me to get the hang of was how to express my feeling so that it was not my evaluation or judgement of what I thought the other person was doing. So that meant no You statements like “you made me feel…”, or “I felt blamed…” bec feeling blamed implies that someone else is doing the blaming meaning that I am accusing someone of taking on that role by saying I felt that way. It can be really tricky to get right and needs to be thought thro as it is easy to say something that would naturally cause the other person to feel defensive.

On another note, it’s surprisingly cathartic to read your exchange Tee and Aleesa since it was you two who were directly impacted by this saga. My heart went out to you both as I saw how it unfolded. It was pretty full on and now, with the stonewalling and something else that it appears we have all picked up on, it makes me quite uncomfortable. It feels like a type of acknowledgment while simultaneously being invalidating. That is how it comes across to me at least but this pattern of behaviour is tied in to my trauma so I may be seeing something that others may not be. Its heartening to see it more openly discussed ❤️

I am addressing this post to all participants in this thread: Alessa, Jana, Lucidity, Peter, Roberta, and Tee.

Lucidity, less than two hours ago: “Here is a step-by-step guide on how to make a request when you have to make a stand against someone in any way, big or small… The basics are:

1. Say what the objective event was that you observed that was problematic for you.”-

Anita: The objective event that distressed me most was this post by Tee (Aug 7):

“Excerpt from Anita’s post: ‘I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain? Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!? This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums.’

The above is called projection. Projecting one’s own hateful thoughts and feelings on others, believing that others harbor the said thoughts and feelings. Well, they don’t. But the person is convinced they are. And so they launch an attack, a smear campaign, throwing dirt on their targets. Should that be allowed in a public space? That one member throws dirt on other members, based on their distorted thinking? I don’t think so. Lori has been informed.”

Here is a fuller context from my post on Aug 6 (in my thread Life Worth Living – What Is It Like?) that Tee quoted from:

“SOCJ: I was cutting blackberries today (thorny, aggressive ouch-if-they-hit-you), and my left arm bled in different locations… And I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain? Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!? This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums… I am sharing this in my own thread, which I think of as my private sanctuary, a private sanctuary which I need others to witness, at least a few others. Witnessed, not attacked.”

Lucidity: “2. Link this to how it made you feel.”-

Anita: When I read Tee’s post, I was so distressed that someone around me asked, alarmed: “What’s wrong???” My heart was racing, my head was shaking (Tourette’s motor tics), and I was uttering sounds (Tourette’s vocal tics). The rest of that day was difficult. I felt deeply unsafe.

Lucidity: “3. Express this as a need.”-

Anita: I need to feel safe in the forums—especially when I express vulnerability in my own threads. Being threatened with moderation (“Should that be allowed in a public space?… Lori has been informed”) made me feel exposed and punished.

I need to be understood—or at the very least, not terribly misunderstood or falsely accused. The post Tee quoted was emotional truth-telling, not a smear campaign. She quoted my fear out of context and reframed it as an attack.

When Tee accused me of “projecting”—suggesting I would rejoice in others’ pain—that disturbed me deeply. It wasn’t true. There was no cognitive distortion in my fear of being attacked: two days after I expressed my need to be “witnessed, not attacked,” I was attacked.

Lucidity: “4. Make your request and be open to the possibility they may decline.”-

Anita to Tee: Would you be willing to reconsider the content of the post you submitted on Aug 7? Perhaps you were wrong.

Boundary Statement: I’m sharing this not to reopen conflict, but to reclaim truth. I welcome responses that engage with the content respectfully. I will not participate in dynamics that distort, bypass, or extract from my vulnerability.

—Anita

Anita,

I’m sharing this not to reopen conflict, but to reclaim truth. I welcome responses that engage with the content respectfully. I will not participate in dynamics that distort, bypass, or extract from my vulnerability.

Anita, you very much cherish your own vulnerability. However, you refuse to acknowledge that other people have feelings too and that you cannot just speak badly of them, projecting on them, insinuating that they would like to see you hurt, and then call this your right to do in your “private sanctuary.”

You requested people not to comment in your thread, while you kept speaking badly about me and Alessa. In other words, you allowed yourself to verbally abuse others, but wanted to protect yourself from any feedback.

Alessa asked you, I believe twice, to stop talking badly about us, but you refused and kept “marching”. That post of yours (where you claim your right to “speak the truth” and that you don’t want to stop unless Lori tells you so) has been removed since, but I have it saved.

When this verbal abuse reached a culmination, when you insinuated that me and Alessa would rejoice in your getting physically hurt, and that we would call you derogatory names, that’s when I informed Lori.

Anita: I need to feel safe in the forums—especially when I express vulnerability in my own threads. Being threatened with moderation (“Should that be allowed in a public space?… Lori has been informed”) made me feel exposed and punished.

Then respect the vulnerability and boundaries of other members of the forum as well.

Hi Everyone,

As I’ve been exploring different ways to communicate, I’ve discovered that what I think I’m saying isn’t always what others are hearing. Sometimes what felt clear to me wasn’t, and the gap between intention and impact was felt as triggering or even harmful. If I’m honest, my first reaction is often to explain or defend—something I’ve learned isn’t always skillful. 🙂

It’s uncomfortable, for sure. But I’ve learned a lot through these moments, especially by trying to understand how my words were received. For that, I want to thank everyone.

My experience here has been positive, even when I’ve been called out or left feeling unsettled. From what I’ve seen, we all come from the same place: wanting to help and wanting to be seen. I hope we can continue our dialogue from that space.

I’ve also come to see that not all conflict needs resolution. As Lewis B. Smedes wrote in The Art of Forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is more about releasing the need to fix than finding agreement.

Because I’m me 🙂 a quote from Julius Lester who said, “History is not just facts and events. History is also a pain in the heart, and we repeat history until we are able to make another’s pain in the heart our own.“

Anita,

“When this verbal abuse reached a culmination”- what verbal abuse? Any quotes to indicate verbal abuse on my part?

Okay, let’s see:

July 31, 2025:

BELIEVE Me, be on MY SIDE.
Keep current invalidating people out of my personal space: people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment.. however politely.
I feel anger at all the people past and recent.. who hurt me. I don’t want to do the same to others: to arrogantly, self-righteously.. ignorantly… criticize, point to what’s lacking in the other person…

August 5, 2025:

Young Anita to older Anita: …. Really, really.. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to talk to..?
Older Anita: you don’t have to.
Younger Anita: I DON’T have to?
Older Anita: You don’t have to.
Younger Anita: I can talk to whom I want to, to not talk to whom I don’t… Just like that?
Older Anita: Just like that.
Younger Anita: And they can’t make me???
Older Anita: They can’t make you.
Younger Anita: And the people I try so hard to reach, to win.. I don’t have to anymore?
Older Anita: You don’t have to. You are free.
Younger Anita: F.R.E.E.. Just like that?
Older Anita: Just like that. You earned it.
Younger Anita (a sigh… a concern): But they will hurt me, they will punish me.. They will punish me if I don’t.
Older Anita: Anita doesn’t go belly-up anymore. She doesn’t accommodate those who try to hurt her. She doesn’t submit to those who dismiss her.. those who misuse her. She is a strong young-old little girl.

After the above post, Alessa asked Anita to stop talking about her:

I’m sure you don’t mean anything bad by it, but can you please refrain from making anssumptions about people you don’t want to talk to. Thanks very much.

But Anita flagged her post as inappropriate and kept posting (July 7, 2025):

SOCJ:
I was cutting blackberries today (thorny, aggressive ouch-if-they-hit-you), and my left arm bled in different locations. At a different area, cutting blackberries, I was hit by stinging nettles- it’s a neurological hit- I am feeling it right now om my right hand as I am typing with my left.
And I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain?
Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!?
This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums.
I’m being as honest as honest-can-be.
Performative Politeness (PP) is not the same as Kindness, at least not the genuine, trustworthy kind of kindness.
I can tell the difference.
So, I am sharing this in my own thread, which I think of as my private sanctuary, a private sanctuary which I need others to witness, at least a few others.
Witnessed, not attacked.

**
SOCJ, continued: The more I share here, the more stuff I give my criticizers (a couple, a few) to use against me.
Yet I keep sharing because (it’s making me smile right now.. although stinging nettles are still stinging).. because there’s no substitution for my growing TRUST in ME.
This is what I lacked for way, way… way too long.
I’m so happy right now.

Alessa posted again following the above two posts, asking Anita very politely, with lots of compassion and understanding, to stop:

Hi Anita
I appreciate that you’re going through something right now.

Boundaries are a two way street. If you don’t want replies. It is important to stop making painful assumptions about people that you don’t want to talk to you. You might not understand what you are doing is hurtful. It is. Which is why you have been asked to stop multiple times. No one has to stay quiet whilst you talk about them. It is a public space.

I am not criticising you. I am managing my own boundaries as someone you are repeatedly talking about. I am allowed to take care of myself, just as you are allowed to take care of yourself.

Honestly, I don’t need this stress. If you don’t stop I’m just going to leave because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it right now. I really don’t like conflict because of my PTSD which is really bad right now.

On a side note, I don’t even understand why you got upset at me in the first place. You didn’t want to discuss it. I would like to work things out and listen to you when you are ready to talk. This might be the last thing I talk, so take care in advance. I wish you well and healing on your journey. <3

Anita refuses and posts this defiant reply:

This is my space—my healing space. I will continue to speak freely here unless Lori, the site owner, or a site moderator asks otherwise.

In my SOCJ writings, I can’t help but think of this or that person—whether in real life or here on tiny buddha—when I reflect on certain emotional or behavioral dynamics. I may be referring to multiple people at any one time, not just one.

I’m not mentioning names or sharing personal details that others have disclosed about their private lives, so this is fair.
It’s not reasonable—or healing—for me to walk on eggshells, wondering: Will this person or that person think I’m referring to them? Should I delete this?

My SOCJ thread isn’t just a journal. It’s a reclamation of voice after years of emotional silencing. It’s a space where I assert boundaries, name harm, and integrate my story. It’s a living archive of my healing—raw, unfiltered, and courageous.
To abandon it would be to submit to the very dynamic I’m working to dismantle: the one where someone else’s discomfort overrides my truth.

Then I post, asking Lori to intervene. As a result, two of Anita’s posts (those posted on July 7), in which she insinuates about me and Alessa wanting to see her hurt, are deleted.

Is this verbal abuse? Well, it is certainly abuse, because you, Anita, are accusing me and Alessa (in a veiled manner, not mentioning our names, but it’s clear who you’re talking about) of all kinds of things, such as:

– continuing your mother’s work of invalidation and judgment,
– arrogantly, self-righteously.. ignorantly… criticizing, pointing to what’s lacking in the other person,
– wanting to hurt you and punish you,
– dismissing you,
– misusing you,
– rejoicing in your pain,
– wanting to use derogatory names against you.

You had verbalized your negative feelings about us, accusing us of all manner of things, in a public space. When one person is accusing another of hurting them – when it is only the person’s subjective feeling, not the reality – what is it called? False accusations?

Dear Alessa:

The closeness we shared—our red heart exchanges—meant a lot to me, especially given our difficult history. I want to name two moments that felt especially meaningful:

July 28 You wrote: “The severe trauma you experienced is expressed by your body. What your mother did was wrong on so many levels and I’m so sorry it happened. ❤️” I replied: “Again, thank you for the empathy, for the care, and for your signature ❤️ that I’ve grown to love.”

July 30 You wrote: “I’m so sorry that you went through all of this trauma as a child without anyone to take care of you. No one should have to go through that. You aren’t alone anymore. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️” I replied: “No one like you, Alessa ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️”

Those additional hearts weren’t casual. They reflected sincere affection and deep gratitude.

What broke the ice for me was when you defended me in the forums. You didn’t invalidate the other member—you simply stood up for me. That felt W.O.N.D.E.R.F.U.L.

Fast forward to August 1, when you defended Tee: “Hi Anita I don’t think Tee meant to hurt you at all… I know that it is hard for you to trust people that you’ve had disagreements with in the past and it takes time to build that trust. These things are hard for me too. Tee is hurt too now, because she cares. Sometimes when we fear criticism, judgement, or anything else. It isn’t really happening currently, just the pain of the past echoing in the mind. ❤️”

When I first read this, I felt hurt and betrayed. It placed the responsibility for the conflict solely on me—suggesting that my pre-existing distrust was the problem. And the phrase “It isn’t really happening currently” felt invalidating. Something had happened by then—something that deeply troubled me.

I understand that you hate conflict. But rather than staying neutral or expressing discomfort, you often get deeply involved—taking sides and trying to placate both parties. The result is that both parties feel invalidated, at different times and in different ways.

Placating can feel like emotional reversal: where the one naming harm becomes the problem. I don’t think that’s your intention, but it’s the impact.

In the future, I’ll do a better job avoiding conflict—not by self-erasing or submitting to mistreatment, but by withdrawing before escalation. That’s my responsibility to myself.

I don’t expect you to agree with all of this, but I hope you’ll sit with it. I’m not asking for repair—I’m offering clarity.

I’m willing to move forward peacefully.

Anita