September 3, 2019 at 6:18 am #310097
I’ve been with my partner for four years now and it’s great but when I was with my ex of 19 years I wanted to end the relationship for quite a while and eventually I finally plucked up the courage.
My friends and family we’re great, particularly one friend who I’ve known for about 15 years. She was always asking me what was happening and how I was, so we used to talk quite a lot. This is something I’ve always done for her which is what a friend does! Though she used to say things to me like I don’t know what your problem is and you’ll never leave him! After I split up with my partner and started seeing someone else she began being strange saying things like well you don’t need your friends now which is totally not true 🙁 She then would only ask about our mutual friend and how she was (she had some family issues), never about me. It didn’t make it any better that our mutual friend said for me not to tell her anything and that she was just being nosey!
I sometimes see one of her family members in town, I’ve met her quite a few times as we’ve all been on nights out before, usually lately she blanks me but on Thursday last week she gave me what I’m pretty sure was a dirty look! I’ve been thinking about it ever since and feel sad about why she would do that and was it because of something that my friend said to her.
I keep thinking back to things she said like all her friends are lame and telling me which friends have done nice things for her. A while ago I did ask her if we we’re still friends and she said of course but it doesn’t feel like it. She gets in touch sometimes when she needs to know something about stuff going on in the town maybe (not involving me of course!) but the conversation fizzles out pretty quickly, it’s all very sad!
Maybe someone else has been a similar situation, I think perhaps I had a different view of our friendship. It feels a bit better to say it though!
Irene74 xSeptember 3, 2019 at 6:52 am #310105
Your friend talked to you about her other friends, including mutual friends, “she said like all her friends are lame”. Well, all her friends include you, so she suggested that you are lame too, didn’t she? And it is reasonable to assume that just as she tells you that other friends are lame, she tells others that you are lame. And then, the others may talk to her about yet.. other friends, in non-complimentary ways. So there is gossip. The dirty look she gave you might have followed her thinking of a piece of gossip she heard about you.
Seems to me that your friendship with this woman has drowned in a lake of muddy water and better leave it there, in the mud/ gossip lake where it belongs.
anitaSeptember 3, 2019 at 7:00 am #310109
Thank you Anita, I think you’re right too…..I think maybe I need to go and do some activities where I can meet like minded people, I just feel sad about it as we’ve been friends for a long time, well I thought so! Also our mutual friend said that after I split up with my ex I changed, all that changed according to everyone else with me was I was much happier and perhaps didn’t drink as much! This hurt me and whilst we’re still friends and meet up I feel it hasn’t been the same since she said that, I’m doing well really aren’t I :-O
Take care xSeptember 3, 2019 at 7:49 am #310121
You are welcome. You feeling sad regarding the ending of this friendship reminds me what you shared in March 2015 regarding the 18 or 19 relationship you had. Even though you were unhappy in it for years and expected to feel a relief once you broke up with him, you didn’t feel relief. It was hard to let go.
It is very possible that your friend indeed didn’t like the change in you once you broke up with your ex partner in 2015, eventually feeling happy post breakup. She wanted you to break up with him but she … didn’t want you to be happy post breakup. Reads to me that she is unhappy.
It is easier for an unhappy person to be around other unhappy people than it is for the unhappy person to do the difficult work of healing from what troubles them.
anitaSeptember 3, 2019 at 8:57 am #310137InkyParticipant
This person is not your friend. Not REALLY…
My suggestion would be to make things utterly boring to her. When she starts talking or asking you about another friend or what’s going on around town, say, “I was just going to ask YOU that. Haven’t seen her/heard anything. Have you?” So you will no longer be an information source.
Also, some people like it when their friends are a mess. The reason why she has loser friends is because they are a mess (while she is fine). God forbid you are happier than she is and don’t like to party now! Or that she’s the one who needs help!
And consider: she might be on Team Ex-Boyfriend!
Drop the rope and let her do all the work in the friendship. Don’t worry, she won’t.
InkySeptember 3, 2019 at 9:06 am #310139AnonymousInactive
Everyone else seems to be giving you good advice. I want to add my two cents and say to drop her. I know friendship breakups can be just as difficult as relationship breakups, but you will be completely okay. You’ll breathe more easily too.September 3, 2019 at 9:57 am #310151MarkParticipant
As it has been already noted, any “friend” who puts down, talks how lame other friends are is someone whose negativity and lack of integrity is part of who she is. That is not a friend in my opinion. I stay away from anyone who is so judgmental.
MarkSeptember 5, 2019 at 6:03 am #310383
Thank you Anita, you’re right, our mutual friend probably is unhappy and I know her reasons for this so I try and support her and help her as much as I can I just wish she hadn’t said the “you’ve changed” thing, it wasn’t in a positive way either! I still like to go out for a drink but I also like (and always have liked) so many other things, like the cinema and sightseeing, all sorts of things really! She doesn’t really have any other interests, I’ve tried to get her interested in things but I can’t force it!
It was hard to let go of the previous relationship, more probably because that’s all I’d known for a long time, I really had had enough of him though but that’s all good now 🙂
I think I’m just feeling worried about this because I’m feeling stressed about work at the moment and this is just adding to itSeptember 5, 2019 at 6:08 am #310387
Thank you Inky, I know you’re right, she’s not really a real friend and yes I’ve considered she may be on team ex boyfriend too! She used to say things about how funny he is and what’s wrong with him! That’s a good idea about turning things around to her 😀 I really need to forget about her and like you say she probably won’t make much if any effort!September 5, 2019 at 6:09 am #310389
Thank you Aiyana, that’s true, I just need to move on! I know I’ll feel better in time.
You guys are all great giving me advice, thanks very much 🙂
September 5, 2019 at 6:12 am #310391
- This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by Irene74.
Thanks Mark, yes exactly I wouldn’t refer to my friends as that so I’m not sure why she would! Negativity and a lack of integrity like you say! It’s weird because I actually remember her asking me on a night out when she was confiding in me if she was a nice person, I said yes but I really don’t know!September 5, 2019 at 10:21 am #310435
You are welcome. Are wrote in your note to me: “I’m feeling stressed about work at the moment and this is just adding to it”- if this is still stressing you, I figure it means you are still confused about this friend (“Confusing People!” is the title of your thread).
Can you specify your confusion, what is it specifically that you are confused about?
anitaSeptember 7, 2019 at 4:39 am #310717
Thanks for your reply! I just find some peoples behaviour strange and confusing I guess and this friend is just one example and I’ve been wondering for a while now what I’ve done wrong, when I think maybe I should just forget her! Perhaps I should have given it a different title!
Work is another thing altogether, maybe I should write about that in the work forum 🙂
Irene74September 7, 2019 at 9:23 am #310747
You are welcome. If you still find that friend’s behavior “strange and confusing”- it only means that you need to learn more about people’s behavior, what motivates people and so on.
Before you forget about her (“maybe I should just forget her!”)- learn from your experience with her. This way you will better understand other people in your life, as well as yourself!
Post again anytime, on this tread or a new one.