Dear Appletree123:

“crying and curled up in a ball or desperate for sleep. My feelings feel scary and too big for me to handle”- is what you felt as a baby and young child, and ever since. The baby you were was crying and curled up and scared, feeling experienced as too big to handle, scary in themselves.

“Do you have any advice or experience about dealing with intense emotions and trusting your emotions that you would be comfortable sharing please?”- yes:

1. Listen to Mark Williams (or someone else) Mindful guided meditations.

2. Slow pace yoga (tai chi as well)  practices are two ways to slow the brain and body and increase mindfulness.

3. Exercise daily, a long walk per day will do, or a long swim per day will do.

4. Notice a distressing emotion before it escalates, or at the beginning of its escalation and relax right there and then, do something to relax: take that walk, listen to a guided meditation, or to soft music and so on.

5. Effective psychotherapy will help.

– you can’t reverse your disassociation by making one decision to do so, such as: from now on I will not disassociate, or from now on I will trust my emotions or whatnot. You have to make multiple decisions every day so to reverse your disassociation after many months of every day decisions: every day of doing 1, 2, 3, 4 and/ or 5.

anita

Dear Appletree123:

You are welcome. Regarding noticing the distressing emotion before it escalates, when I return to the computer (in about 12 hurs from now) I will copy for you  from a form called Mood Log that my therapist gave me at the time to fill in whenever I feel a distressing emotion. I dont know how to do rows and columns here, so I will describe that form to you best I can. I hope it will be helpful to you.

anita

Dear Appletree123:

I learned this morning that the Daily Mood Log is available online just as I know it, if you google “daily mood log, pdf” or “daily mood log, james stolz. I hope you print this form and copy so you have a dozen of those to start.

In the form you describe first a “Situation of Event” that brought about some distress for you, some uncomfortable feelings/ emotions (I use the two words interchangeably). Next, you have lists  of Emotions, and you pick the groups of emotions that you felt as a result of the situation (that was difficult for me, for a long time, to identify my emotions, if this is true to you too, do your best, don’t have to be exact).

Next, you identify the “Negative Thought” you had during that situation, the thought that brought about your unpleasant feelings. Next is the key aspect of the work here: you look at the negative thought and ask yourself if it is realistic; you look for “Distortions”.

There is a list of distortions page 2 online. Take your time to study these and ask me if you want me to explain any of these further. Following this, you correct the negative thought and state “Positive Thought”.

I would use “initial thought” instead of “negative thought” and “realistic thought” instead of “positive thought” because you may be in a situation that is really bad, or negative, so the “negative thought” may be realistic and contain no distortions, and your unpleasant feeling/ emotion therefore fit the reality of the situation, nothing to correct. But often one or more of the initial thoughts is distorted and after identifying the distortion, you can correct the thought.

After correcting the thought, if it needs to be corrected so to fit reality, the person almost always feels better. In the form you estimate a percentage for how you felt before correcting the thought and after, and how much you believed the initial (Negative) thought before correction and after.

Here is an example of a situation: you feel very sad because your mother looks so sad. One of the initial thoughts (Negative Thought) was: it is my fault that my mother is sad. Next, you think about it: did I cause her to be sad in this situation… no, she is sad because of this or that and I didn’t cause it.. and you think: what distortion is it?.. emotional reasoning, I feel guilty, therefore I think that I am guilty (when I am not), you get this aha feeling and notice that you are feeling differently about the same situation.

What this does, in this example, is that next time the person feels guilty he or she will think: I feel guilty but maybe I am not guilty. Just because I feel a certain way, doesn’t mean the feeling is reality.

I hope you let me know how this form works for you.

anita

You are welcome, Appletree123. Looking forward to your next post.

anita

Hi Apple Tree,

i have been dealing with a similar situation, but on the other side. I fell deeply in love with someone, i wasn’t looking, but we just had chemistry. They felt like home, long periods of staring in each other’s eyes. All the fairytale things you hear about on tv that I never knew to be possible. When I think of it it sometimes doesn’t make sense, given this society & all the things it teaches us psychologically about soulmates not existing or we have multiple (which is true). But my heart has been & will always be for this person, even when I finally move on. They are home. Even when they would push me away, I could look in their eyes & see myself. I have done similar things before so I can’t judge them.

they are in a longtime relationship and I believe this person let’s call them L, is afraid to leave their partner because they’ve been together for so long, they don’t trust themselves, & they feel guilt & shame. They are also pretty avoidant and anxious. I also haven’t been the best, I’ve been emotional & judgmental. I was a rock in the beginning but after waiting so long & them not reaching out i became emotional. I was hurt. I too have had relationships before, but never felt chosen or never let anyone close.

I took some time to reflect to figure out my true motives, heal my attachment style & work on my codependency. And I still felt like this person is right. Still do.

yet I don’t feel like they are trying. So I get frustrated and it makes me move on. I don’t know what they are going through emotionally & why it’s so hard for them to open up. I’ve been through a lot myself & kind of had to tough it through so I guess I’m not as sensitive as I could be because I’m jaded about them not opening up .

i love them deeply and just want to be there for them, love , comfort, hold , assure them. I want to build with them even if it means taking baby steps or starting from scratch. And I know it would be hard when they leave their partner if they do and they’d need space – but with communication I can be present and loving , I just need assurance to.

and have I talked to other people? Yes, but no one is clicking like with this person. I know the chemistry -it won’t last forever if we don’t continue or try. But I have hope.

I stay this to give you the other side the other perspective . If you lone this person & they feel like home that is no mistake . We don’t have control over who we love. And when we get older & grow things change & that’s okay. You gotta choose you. And things feel pressing because they are. Don’t let your desires go unattended. Reach out and atleast tell this person how you feel, your concerns , tell them the truth even if it’s vulnerable. And regardless to them wanting to be together or not you would have done a good thing. Spoken up for yourself , choosing yourself .

You do more harm staying With your boyfriend than not because you no longer have feelings for him. Why try to build more and raise a family on unstable land . We need to stop staying with people out of guilt and choose ourselves. So when we do have kids and a family we raise them with true love, and we can stop raising kids in broken homes who need trauma therapy because the denial their parents live in.

again even if it doesn’t work out or it’s too late with the guy you call home. Tell him truly how you feel. And it will let off a huge load.

keep your head up ❤️

Thanks Apple Tree,

i wish I had the courage to show them this post. They haven’t been very honest about what’s happening in their personal life, so part of me just. Idk I fear they’d think I was too clingy. Or that they aren’t really interested. I admit I fought too hard, and didn’t stick to my boundaries & feel like I’ve lost some self respect by constantly being present & communicative with them while they were so closed off. The only form of contact I have with them now is social media, and based on how and what they posts. Doesn’t seem they are thinking of me at all. I feel bad about locking my page. But my heart is broken too. I love them. I’m just hurt. But maybe in future I’ll show them this post if it’s still there.