Apple Tree,

I am glad we can relate a little, I think this is helping me as well.

And thank you, I am hanging in there. My heart longs for them often, I still feel them, & sad that I can not just hold them. I am also very anxious. But that’s probably because I am dealing with some other heavy things in my family, lost a family member/parent figure who was very close to me.. I think it is also why I in some ways pushed them away, I was pulling for attention and comfort that partially they could have made an effort to do something, but the other part, they can’t resolve my internal issues of loss I am dealing with in my family. So its not fair to put that all on them.

Our communication was through social media, not texting. I sent my number but they wouldnt reach out. We never met in person, our work was online through skype. They kept communication to social media. It was alot more in the beginning but I think things got really emotional for them (me too), and they were trying to pull back to better manage their emotions. I think we took turns with struggling to manage the intense feelings and irritability from all the barriers in place making our connection difficult as well. Like them being in a committed relationship and living with their partner I think, and working together at a place where technically co-workers arent supposed to date. etc.

There was alot of built up frustration. And they were so distant I began to pull away. so with the recent incident in my family, and them not being present, and not being open, I just felt like it was all a game. so i sent them an email and let them know i was no longer going to be reaching out, but asked them to promise to reach out if they really cared.

Yes, finding self respect, not putting people on a pedestal, coping with anxiety is really hard. Mostly because I have an anxiety disorder that developed in my childhood from having parents who were unavailable. I also see how it affects my communication and attachment style and who i pursue.

Apple Tree,

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, for me being abandoned by my parents at a young age made me try my hardest to be liked in my growing years and adult years. I always dated a certain physical and emotional type. And I got a lot of knocks on my head for it, so I took two years off to myself to explore and learn in hopes I could identify the pattern & heal it. I thought i had chemistry with these past folks, but it was just my addiction to drama.

The person I met at work, was actually completely different. Appearance wise and emotionally. We were alike in many ways & i felt true chemistry for them, something i’ve never felt before. I fought it for a while, ignored it for a while actually. I began to notice they had feelings and attraction to me, but I was distant. Maybe because I was tired of getting hurt by people. They then began to tell me how they felt, and we both had struggles opening up. I was closed off and distant. And they were vulnerable. I was also in the early stages of dating other people (toxic people similar to those from my past), so was too distracted by comfortable dysfunction and patterns didnt really notice this person. Though I felt deeply connected, a deep love for them, i didnt allow myself to feel it. One day however, I came to my senses, and felt a deep powerful love in my heart for them a deep realization of how much i truly wanted to be with them. I didnt know what to do with it, and i definitely felt it was mutual.

We began arguing because of frustration. I also think they were upset because i had pushed them away and was talking to other people when they tried to open up to me which i hadnt known then but is extremely hard for them. If I had known that, and if my heart wasnt so buried in pain I would have responded and recognized it earlier. But I cant beat myself up about it.

Social media i guess seem like a safe ground to communicate for us where we could get past the job, and maybe for them they didnt feel too bad about communicating with me while they still live with their partner. etc. But we’d communicate daily. I knew I was on their mind daily. And we tried so hard to work things out. But they just werent able to step out, or trust me fully, or take a chance.it is and was a difficult situation.

But like you said in your previous post, if we truly love someone then we want them to be happy no matter what.

Apple Tree,

I appreciate your responses & Questions. This is good processing for both of us. I am headed to my daily hike/run then meditation (helps to get out of my head sometimes.) but wanted to answer this before.

i work at a different location now. But we recently cut off all communication last week when I sent the email . They never responded to emails with emails, they just responded on social media. Weird , I know.. part of me feels like they are doing certain things not saying things for survival. Also a big part I failed to mention is then coming to terms with identity things. When they first came on to me and pursued me I also didn’t pay mind because they were in denial about their identity. There’s also a race difference and 6 year age gap. So struggle on struggle that – if we were able to overcome would be a beautiful thing for this planet in my opinion. Healing through love regardless to past things that would have made it illegal for us to be together like bans on interracial marriage etc. I also think they come from a conservative family but I don’t know. Just using my intuition and seeing patterns that I’ve noticed in other people I’ve worked with.

drama addiction is like- deep Down you know the situation is toxic and painful, but you chase it to satisfy a part of you that wasn’t satisfied some time in childhood. A random example, if my father was never present. I may pursue men who give me just enough attention but it’s never enough, but I fight for more attention because it soothes that child self in me that needed it from my father . It’s also a control thing.

Chemistry & true love happens in a peaceful lease resistance relaxed state. Now that doesn’t mean later on the situation can not become drama filled too. Especially if both people haven’t worked on their trauma.

in my case we fell in love when we allowed our hearts to be open, and trusting. But we hadn’t completely worked on our childhood trauma and so we had this push pull explosiveness where though it seemed we were mad at eachother we were truly mad at ourselves. And we will always argue until we come to peace with ourselves , stop projecting & learn to trust one another. This particular soulmate is one that causes one to grow .

but we have many soulmates. And things like this prepare us for others so we don’t make the same mistakes.

because we recently cut off contact it is still sore for me. Waking up isn’t a problem but focusing and not letting my days waste by from wondering and ruminating has been a issue. I’m also still grieving. But it does bother me how much this person is on my mind because I’ve come to terms with regardless to why they are distant they don’t want to be together and there’s nothing I can do. I get lost in wondering about what ifs too. But I’ve just been allowing myself to talk to friends and other people where there’s some fun & love (even though I don’t see myself with them). It helps to distract myself and helps my confidence to know others are attracted to me.

im also on a tiny dose of anxiety meds that I take as needed. My stress manifest physically so I was dealing with pains and rashes. Scared the crap out of me . I was just under intense stress I had lost so much at one time it felt.

it heals with time. But it helps to distract self.

also are you still with your boyfriend? It seems this situation , not knowing what you want. Fear of leaving because it’s comfortable. Then guilt is stressing you out. I don’t know if just leaving will feel freeing . I get the feeling you need to build stability and confidence in yourself over time in order to leave . By finding meaning , and doing things that can help you renew yourself bring back excitement. Maybe making just friends but new friends. Going out. Taking yourself on dates. Show yourself you can be alone and okay. Then leaving your boyfriend or not will become more clear – in terms of what to do. Just a thought .

Apple Tree,

I live in the U.S. , interracial dating etc happens a lot more often, stuff like that, age gap & Lgbt are more accepted then it was in the past. But I could imagine coming from a conservative family would still make that hard and i think thats the case with her.

I am a LGBT woman and she is also a woman. And she has commented she is straight, yet would come on to me and pursue me heavily. It was frustrated so i left, and she still pursued me. I asked her about it she said “I can’t do anything about my denial.” We did bring out the best and worst parts of eachother, some relationships cause us to grow. In this case, we are both service oriented people who for the most part people see us as having our stuff together. We both have been in newspapers, and are respected by our community. I think we both felt we were pretty developed and kind of had our asses on our shoulders (not towards eachother but individually). Then we met and bam, love, then bam “oh crap i havent healed all my trauma.” and we fought to heal, the inspiration came from wanting to be together, but in order to really be together we’d really have to face our inner issues and that’s scary. we ran from that too. We did work through some things, coached eachother, helped each other heal a little (it was all still distant though). as much as we could online. I know she’s in therapy now, finally.. I am happy about that. i think she was afraid to go. She sent me a snap of her in the office, I could feel her fear. Im just really in tune with her.

But im also giving her space to let the therapy work and her clear her mind.

Sorry Apple Tree, I should have made this in all one post but, I was forgetting what i wanted to say. lol

I hear you with having struggles making friends. I have a lot of “friends” but we arent really close, I find it hard to let people in. I just know these people through my entertainment jobs, I do comedy and filming on the side.

L, the person I love, also has very few people close to her i think. she doesnt havent many friends. would you say, that not having many friends has also made you hesitate with opening up? like out of fear you wouldnt know how to start a conversation or develop the connection?

Apple Tree,

I know it’s a hard thing to come to terms with but I am glad you are able to see the positive and lessons that came from it. You are allowed to not be sure, change your mind, not be ready. Not all soulmates are meant to be in our lives for ever, some are , others just wake us up, nudge us a little. If it werent for him, you probably would not have known what those feelings felt like. And now you know theres something more out there and thats a beautiful thing.

And yes, I was just saying this the other day. I am very empathic, i feel things deeply and intensely and I like to communicate those feelings, i like to learn and have deep conversations. Not all the times, but I am a deep person. And that’s okay. Thats what boundaries are for, healthy people know how to set boundaries, and they can just say “i like talking to you, but can we talk about something lighter.” I appreciate people who know how to be honest and straightforward and communicative about their needs and wants. It’s not always all on us. Theres nothing wrong with being deep.

I, like a a-hole cut it off right after she sent me the snap..lol. Well she also posted a video on her social media about what healthy boundaries looked like. And she said if people cross those, then they arent right for us. And I thought about how my boundary was, i wanted her to be honest and reach out, and she hasnt been honest nor has she reached out. I was fighting for us, and she was fighting herself. So i ended it after that because , she was right about boundaries. I think she gave up on herself. But i was cool with it, because she was atleast in therapy. I do still check on her. lowkey compulsive but, i miss her. alot. but , the more time passes, i check less. or im less anxious.

She’s older than me, but i felt older spiritually if that makes sense. I think she felt embarrassed by the fact that i was younger but was able to teach her certain things and also bring out things she hasnt fully worked on. I think she felt she should have known better. She also struggles with her intense emotions and pulling back and fear of intimacy and i think she is ashamed of that too. And i wish i could convey to her, how much i understand , as ive dealt with similar things.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a learning process. Everybody’s got something to learn and this particular thing is something you are learning. And it will help you later on.

I communicated that to her yes. I also began to over communicate and make assumptions as my frustration increased. I then began to push her away, i think honestly i was acting crazy at times. lol I didnt care how emotional i was i just kind of lost myself. I need to learn my limits and i did, and part of it felt good to act out. and she acted out. and we usually cant do that because of how people see us. but then it just was frustrating again because she wasnt in a place to fully come forward. Shes got a lot to work through, sexuality, her current partnership, family, her job, probably finances, her mental health. that’s going to take some time to heal and resolve.

We all get scared. fear teaches us to educate ourselves. fear dissipates with learning the facts. again, don’t  beat yourself up.

Yes when i am making friends i struggle with feeling like a burden. I have countless memories of meeting up with new friends and hanging out and having fun, but after like 25 minutes I start thinking “arnt they tired of me yet?” “What if they are ready to leave?” “Maybe they are being nice and just wont say they are ready to leave.” Then i do something stupid like ask them “so what time are you heading out?” then they feel pushed away.. and I have to word vomit and explain “no noo, I just feel like a burden at times.” then they cheer me up, and Im a huge puddle on the side walk outside a random ice cream shop.. like get it together Grenada seriously… lmao