Hi Javier,

I just wanted to let you know you are not a failure. Don’t “should” yourself. I am 30 living with my mom on disability for bipolar. There are a lot of reasons why I should feel like a failure. In this time, I’ve decided to do good the best that I can and follow my passions.

It’s okay if you’re not at the place you want to be. Life is unfair. Repeat after me “It is not my fault.” It is not your fault you are struggling in life. So many do. The important thing is not to compare yourself to others.

You have a purpose. You just have to follow your inner voice, not your inner critic. I see that your inner critic is LOUD and dictating all your thoughts. A professional therapist might be able to help you deconstruct your thinking and positively reform the situation.

Here are some ways to positively reform this:

1. I am not a failure just because I think I failed

2. I am a survivor

3. I am enough as I am. Labels do not define me.

4. I am at peace with what I have and where I’m at.

5. I will choose to do good with the time I have on earth no matter what that looks like (big or small)

6. I accept myself no matter what.

7. I have taken a great step in asking for help because I know that I am worth helping (today in forum) but will continue to find  help such as therapy or support groups or letting others know how I am feeling.

8. I have a life to live and things to still look forward to even if I don’t know what they are yet.

If you are have suicidal feelings, please call this hotline: 800-273-8255

I believe in you. You can do this. You can turn your life around. It’s not too late. You are going to be okay.

As for the having kids in your twenties thing, don’t idealize that. You can still help kids by volunteering or having them (adopting as an option later too) if you want. There are many ways to help youth. Don’t fret about not having one by now.

I will be sending you love and light.

Sarah

Dear Javier,

I am sorry you’re going through a lot of pain right now. You say you contracted covid last year and that your health has been deteriorating since. Does it mean you have long covid, with long-term health issues that won’t go away?

You talk about your mother’s difficult life and that you feel you’re the cause of her suffering (“I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother´s life“). The child always feels responsible for their parents’ unhappiness, even if he/she has nothing to do to with it. Your mother “was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my “father”, harassed, endured death threats, and then was left alone as my father left her for his mistress.” – this is what caused your mother’s pain and suffering, not you.

But the child believes it’s their fault, because it gives them a sense of hope – if they would only change, their mother would be happy. But you as a child couldn’t really do anything to stop your father from abusing your mother and sending her death threats. You couldn’t have prevented your mother’s suffering. It’s not your fault that her abuse happened.

Therefore, it breaks my heart to admit that I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother. I have taken her for granted my whole life. I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.

Children often take their parents for granted, they aren’t mature enough to have compassion, because they worry about their own needs being met. That’s perfectly normal. A child cannot give emotional support to the parent, because they aren’t equipped for that. In fact, if they try to do that – to be their parent’s emotional caretaker – they end up suffering because they can never provide adequate help and can never make the parent happy. The parent still suffers and the child feels like a failure because they didn’t manage to make the parent happy. It’s a futile attempt, so please don’t blame yourself for that either.

But now you’re an adult, you can show compassion for your mother, you can tell her how sorry you are for everything she’s been through, and how grateful you’re for taking care of you and your siblings so selflessly. It’s not late for that, you can express love and gratitude to your mother now… Do you think it would be possible? How would it make you feel?

Dear Javier,

I am glad your relationship with your mother improved somewhat in the last years. What you’re expressing now is the voice of your inner critic, listing everything you did wrong and how your messed up your life, as well as the relationships with your loved ones. This inner critic is telling you that “I have failed as a son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend“. It’s berating you for using drugs as a teen, and then for using work as an escape and neglecting your family for an entire 10 years.

What this inner critic isn’t saying and isn’t even interested in is WHY you used drugs as a teen, why you struggled with depression, why you needed to escape by sailing off to for-away countries. It’s because of the pain you encountered as a child, living with a father who abused your mother and threatened to kill her. It’s because of growing up in such horrendous, frightening circumstances.

You say that you mentally broke down in your 20s after your then-girlfriend had an abortion (I was devastated, heartbroken, and had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside.) But I think it was just the final nail in the coffin of your misery and pain, caused  by your traumatic childhood. You say it has always been your dream to have children, preferably in your early 20s, to see them grow up and have their own children, to be in their life for a long time, to see your grandchildren grow.

I believe it was a dream of a better life, a different life than the one you had as a child. You romanticized it, you put all your hopes in it. But when it was so rudely shattered, all your dreams shattered with it too and you went numb and depressed. What you saw as your ticket to a better, happier life wasn’t going to happen. And it broke you. But as I said, it wasn’t the only reason you broke down, it was just the last straw.

The inner critic is judging you and condemning you harshly. But what you’d need to understand is that everything that you’re condemning yourself for is a reaction to your pain. It’s a reaction to the pain of that little boy who had to endure a childhood with such a father, in such horrible circumstances. Your addiction, your depression, your escapism – it’s all a reaction to your pain.

You’d need to acknowledge there’s a wounded inner child in you – this boy is still living in you – and he needs your compassion, not judgment. He needs your understanding, not scolding. He’s been hurt and doesn’t need another punch in the stomach, another cut into his wound – rather, he needs you to see him and have compassion for him. You need to protect him from that inner critic who wants to keep slamming him.

How does this sound to you? Can you find compassion for that little boy who suffered so much while growing up?

Dear Javier:

I want to re-arrange what you shared in your five posts into a timeline and then offer my understanding and suggestions.

Toddler: “The biggest fear, that has followed me since I was a toddler, is the fear of losing my mother”.

Teens: “I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis”.

(?) “I’ve always been in very good shape physically. I used to run 15- 20 miles weekly, combined with 2-3 sessions of strength training in the gym. I’ve been eating ‘clean’ and healthy for decades”

26-27: “waking up .. to anxiety attacks, gasping for air, and in full panic mode..  15-16 years ago… my then-girlfriend.. opted for an abortion. I.. had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside”.

27-37+: “After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world.. met loads of new people… For more than 10 years.. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”.

38-42: “I’ve been in and out of counseling for 4 years now.. counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse.. My therapists insisted that .. I deal ‘head on’ with the negative experiences.. ‘inappropriately’ prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac”.

41- 42 (2020-May 2021): “I lost my job due to downsizing, diagnosed with Covid, health has deteriorated immensely.. lost my apartment and my car.. living with my mother for the last 4 months… I have panic attacks, I’m depressed all the time.. Lately, a lot  of ‘hidden’ fears, that I’ve been struggling with are coming back.. I am afraid of sleeping, I’m struggling with anxiety attacks… the feeling of getting choked, the shivering, the sleep paralysis… The fear of being alone, the fear of dying alone, the fear of being forgotten.. So many fears and so much pain to endure… burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog, muscle pain, and chest pain… everything feels like chronic pain.. I’m only able to walk short distances”.

My understanding with more quotes: you mentioned feeling loved (“I felt ‘loved'”) one time only, and that was when lived away from home/ away from your mother for over 10 years, traveling the world. You felt loved, important and useful when away.

At home, living with your mother, you’ve been afraid and miserable a whole lot of the time, ever since you were a toddler.

“She has suffered a lot.. She was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my ‘father’, harassed, endure death threats”- you were there when all that happened: you suffered a lot, you were the victim of abuse, you were harassed and threatened (when a child witnesses his mother being threatened, the  child is threatened).

“I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother’s life. She deserves to be happy, and live her life to the fullest”- You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for ruining your mother’s life.

“She always put her kids first“- being put first translated to the toddler and kid that you were living in fear and misery.

“I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother”- or, was the other way around? A child whose mother has been there for him emotionally is not likely to suffer from such great anxiety for so long.

“I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.. I failed her and neglected her”- or it was the other way around?

“It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS (!), valuable time that will never come again”-

– but those ten years of meeting your mother only a dozen times were very valuable: “I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”, you wrote earlier about those years. I hope that this valuable time will come again for you.

In summary: seems to me that you were at your best living away from home, away from your mother, and at your worst living at  home, with your mother. Your empathy is all invested in her as a tragic, suffering figure. It is as if, in your mind, you are the parent and she is the child whom you failed and hurt. But in reality, it’s the other way around.

Your mother was a child long ago, but that was way before you were born. You never met the child that she was. She may be the tragic figure you presented, a victim of your father, but it does not make you the villain. It so happens that you were a victim to, growing up.

My suggestions today: (1) redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around. Without the guilt that is burdening you, your anxiety will lessen and your health will improve, (2) your brain is in the neurological- chemical habit of fear. It is possible to train the brain and form a different habit, one of lesser fear and more calm. It is a very gradual, very long process, but if you persist and persevere, you will see significant improvement in a few months. The training can be done in the context of mindfulness exercises and practices, including but not limited to a daily and nightly doses of guided meditations.

anita