Hey Tee,

my condition is still fluctuating, so I am still looking for something to give me better relief. But not losing hope, so…

Oh I’m sorry to hear that, But it’s really impressive it’s been a while and you’re still standing strong with hope. Love that. Your strong spirit is helping you for not getting weaker. I hope you feel better soon.

Good – seems she is getting more tame as the time goes by

Yeah but cats doesn’t smile like dogs, So I’m worried if she’s happy with me lol

Yeah, sure, sharing intimacy, being vulnerable, opening up when something is bothering us… it’s precious to have someone we can do that with, without being judged and ridiculed.

Yup that is REALLY precious

Yes, I think so too. She is hoping you would come around and start really bonding with her. She is hoping she’ll melt you finally

Well is that her overconfidence or she found some loophole? 😂

Okay, she is taking the conscious risk…

Doctors are good at taking risks you know

What are you craving from her?

I’m not sure, It’s been a while since I’m little vulnerable with someone, She’s understanding so we talk about lot of stuff. And yeah, I did have physical cravings for so long. That includes hand holdings to all the way to sleeping together.

I think that women bond quicker emotionally if there is sex involved. So if you keep having sex, she’ll definitely get even more attached, while for you it’s a question, specially since you have attachment issues. But it seems she is willing to take that risk, since she is hoping you might change (or that she might change you)…

Oh I see that’s interesting, Since women are naturally more emotional that’s why sex affects them even more, But the thing is that even though I have attachment issues, I do get attached with women even though it’s not only for sex. Otherwise FWB would be easier for me. Because even for sex I need to have at least good level of trust, bond and attraction.

Yeah, maybe it’s like Facebook – you start comparing yourself to other people and start feeling less than… so probably LinkedIn is something that triggers your inner critic and makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t read those success stories, but only the information related to job openings…

Yes even in Twitter just influencer gurus are everywhere, Do this and change your life, 7 figure income in your 20s and blah blah blah they make it sounds so easy, and be like it’s that easy why you’re not doing it?

Are you still trying to find a completely remote job, so you can work from anywhere?

Yes mam, I have some interviews soon

She tried to calm you (the child) down, so you wouldn’t provoke him (the adult)?

I think so yeah

It seems your father wasn’t just an emotionally bully, but also potentially a physical bully, and there was a danger of domestic violence. And so your mother did everything to prevent that violence – by basically being obedient and trying to appease him, and also trying to control you and reason with you to be more “mature” (even if you were just a child).

Your grandfather was similar in character to him, and I guess your father actually received a similar treatment from his own father, right?

Yes that’s right

It was only your grandmother (your father’s mother?) who warned him and he sort of admitted that it wasn’t the right thing to do. After that, has he tried to hit you or your mother again, or that was the only incident?

My father’s mother. After that he never tried to hit me or even raise his voice to my mother or me. Like I said only two times it happened but it was traumatic enough for me, Before I was in primary school and I don’t even remember it properly, But also that time I raised my voice at him.

Just today Me and my brother talked to him on conference call, He was like you’re both adults you should know things I shouldn’t have to tell you. and I told him clearly that I don’t prefer just assuming things, whatever is it just say things clearly. He’s like no you’re adults you should be aware about this. and the matter was that my grandparents are sick so he be like me and my brother are irrepressible for not knowing to offer for more financial help. I mean we knew that they’re sick but how we’d know that they need more help? and he was like I waited for days that you’d call and offer? I’m like what? Just don’t wait and tell me things like that directly! He was like this is common sense so you should know. Really made me angry 🙄

But I guess his mindset didn’t change much. He thought he can yell at you and bully you as much as he pleases, while you should stay silent and “respect” your father. That father is “god” and children shouldn’t talk back. A very toxic attitude.

YES EXACTLY! He think everything he does is right and it always other’s fault.

And I guess you didn’t want to bow down to him, you didn’t want to show respect to him, and that’s what caused friction. And I guess that’s why you left home so early?

Since my teenage I was very clear about values that I respect and even at that age lot of things which was “Cool” for other kids was clearly nonsense for me. So clearly his unfair anger was really irritating for me, And my main reason to left home early was to get freedom and stand up by myself. And sorta tell my father that I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things. So that’s what I did.

Another thing is that when you have that kind toxic person around you don’t feel that good you know so I just wanted to leave…

He was extremely toxic, SereneWolf. He brutally criticized and shamed you for even the slightest mistake. No wonder you got traumatized by that. He expected you to be “grateful” for the material stuff that he was providing, while of course you couldn’t be grateful when he was putting you down so mercilessly.

Emotional support is much more important for a child than having material abundance. He gave zero emotional support. What you experienced from him was emotional abuse. (In the beginning you said you’re suffering from childhood emotional neglect. Well, this was not neglect, this was emotional abuse.)

It’s emotional abuse even it happened one or two times?

Who is “they”? Your father and grandfather?

Yes

No wonder you started having issues at school later – it could have been a consequence of the emotional abuse you’ve been experiencing at home. You were under so much pressure you couldn’t take it any more. It could have even been a way of rebelling too. Sometimes we rebel because we can’t bear to be oppressed like that. I guess one way you rebelled was to leave home, but perhaps having issues at school was another way, only subconscious?

Yes it made me so desperate to just earn and live on my own, I didn’t wanted to be burden on them. They always made me feel like they did so much for me and it felt like burden to me! So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

That’s great! Maybe the term you’re looking for is self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect good things, and then good things happen to you. And vice versa. In any case, I am glad that you’re more open to praise and that it helps you feel better about yourself.

I searched it’s called experience-dependent neuroplasticity. When we focus on the good, Good happens. It’s about positive mindset or positive perspective of life

When you heal your inner child and completely dismiss the inner critic… but you’re doing great, you’re making progress…

So currently what internal challenges that I have? What do you think?

Maybe the drill sergeant shows up when you’re looking at LinkedIn and start comparing yourself with others? This voice is actually your father’s and grandfather’s voice, because they were always comparing you with others. It’s great you have Uncle Iroh as the antidote!

Right I’m just trying to consume less information. There’s just too much noise everywhere. In this noise it feels like my own inner voice is getting lost.

Well, one explanation could be that love is not just words (“I love you”), it’s also deeds – the things we do to show our love and appreciation every day. Okay, I’ve just looked it up, and the first thing that came up in search was an article titled “Why love is a choice you make every day.”

The article is worth reading, but basically the main point is: “It may feel easy to find love at first – your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action.”

From the PsychCentral? I mean like does that mean we should do everything out of love not for the love?

Heyya Tee,

I’d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

And you’re fighting this battle  very well Tee, Keep it up 😀

Haha, cats don’t do anything if they’re not happy – they always put themselves first. So she must be happy

I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea what’s going on or how to do things. That’s why I have to take care of more than “Normal”

She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.

Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, that’s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

Yes I do appreciate that, and It’s not like we talking everyday but still…

I’ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesn’t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say “I love you” (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though you’re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

Hmm I see, Well I guess then it’s my first FWB? Lol 😂

And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I don’t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how it’s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

Ah that’s right and that’s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people don’t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. I’m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. It’s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and that’s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now you’re doing it to yourself.

Yes you’re right. I’m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

I wish you success!

Thanks a lot! 😀

You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought he’d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why can’t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasn’t physically violent.

I mean, his criticism didn’t happen only twice, right? He wasn’t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. That’s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought it’s emotional neglect because he didn’t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!

Yeah, that’s passive aggression, I’d say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something that’s not your fault at all.

Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean what’s problem in just saying clearly?

Not willing to take responsibility for one’s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less “in your face” about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

I guess you’re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isn’t working much. And I’m aware it’s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and “torturing” them like that.

That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden – because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didn’t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their “nurturance”. You told your father: “I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.” So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. “Self-sufficient” at 16.

But do you see how this “self-sufficiency” is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father “I don’t need anything from you”. But that’s not true – the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didn’t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldn’t get your bachelor’s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now it’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself – for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

And congratulate yourself because you’ve managed to get your bachelor’s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now you’re even in the process of getting a master’s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

Remember, you’re not lazy and “good for nothing”, but it’s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are “less than”, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

Wow that’s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that I’ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much “Self-sufficient” like it’s all my responsibility, Like I could’ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. That’s why it’s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes I’m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it 🤗

Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

Yes it is!

Well, it seems like you’re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling “less than” and that you haven’t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

Yes you’re right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

Yes, try to focus less on other people’s achievements. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

100% Right!

Hey Tee,

Apologies for the late reply, but I haven’t been feeling well. 40% of the workforce has been reduced at the company where I worked, and I was laid off. Now, I’m more anxious than ever to find a job.
I still haven’t heard from the companies where I applied. I don’t know what else I can do now instead of just losing hope…

Hi Tee,
Do you know what caused it?

Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..

Hi Tee,

it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they don’t need you any more?

It is short-sighted for sure! but they are thinking how much money they’re saving for few month, and they only have two dev guys for bug fixing and in Product they only have like support girl. because they don’t want anything new

I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if it’s not such an urgent problem, you don’t need to go back to the system you don’t like

I mean yeah financal pressure is a real deal and I’m feeling it, but my other persona is rebeling against it like no just get what you want don’t compromise you’re gonna get what you want.

Ola Tee,

How was your weekend?

I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ☹

So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

Nope. No marriage

Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

Hmm I see I understand now

Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If you’re an older sibling Which I am

As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything,

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind