Dear Anita,

I’m still in Romania right now.. and still not sure when or if I will go to Warsaw.
Indeed.. if only things could be simple and easy.
These last weeks haven’t been easy at all.. Actually I’ve felt more and more confused and exhausted lately. These days I’m trying to be as quiet as I can.. I feel I need some quiet. All the arguments and conversations we’ve had in the last weeks are now showing results – my body feels exhausted and my mind feels foggy.

So I’ve decided to tell my girlfriend that maybe we can text each other but not call for a few days. We’ve been arguing and blaming each other for so many things in the past couple weeks that I have no more room for anything. Tomorrow I’m having an online job interview for a job I don’t even want – in Warsaw. Of course It’ll be good for my financial independence and it would help me stay there with my girlfriend.. but I don’t even know if I still want that to be honest. I mean.. I do want to get a better job and make more money so I can stand on my own feet but I’m not so sure about being with her anymore. I feel like I’ve tried so hard and I gotta change so many things in my life for things to work but she doesn’t really want to put much effort into it.. I feel like I’m on my own. And.. so does she. She feels like I’ve blamed her too much for not being more committed to our relationship. And I did.. I told her that I’m tired of not being a priority to her. I always put her first but she couldn’t. She always prioritised spending time with her mother over spending time with me.. Although I’ve moved to her country and found it so hard to live there. Still, I feel I ended up sacrificing so much in order to see her giving as little as possible. I feel like these dynamics leave no space for a relationship. I know that my own struggles don’t help either.. and I might not be ready for a stable, healthy relationship.. but neither is she.. and from her side I haven’t seen much effort to change anything.

Anyway.. I don’t want to start ranting about it.. it makes no sense. These days I’m just trying to sit with my emotions and leave all distractions aside. I don’t know what I’m going to do. These last weeks seem to bring out so much uncertainty and very little clarity. I feel I need to sit down a little, stop stressing out about making everything work.. and just be for a moment. I’ve been so damn stressed lately. Of course I feel a little guilty for not calling her, for not being more chatty.. but to be honest I don’t feel like talking to her at all. So I won’t – until I feel like it. I feel I’ve been giving so much.. and I got tired.

There’s probably a lot more to come out but I lack the energy to write anything that makes sense..
You asked me about the coaching session – how do we mirror each other. Well, both of us depend on our parents. I depend financially and she depends emotionally. I challenge the relationship she has with her mother – because I feel that the way her mother is omnipresent in her life makes things very difficult for us to be together and have intimacy. She challenges the relationship I have with my parents – them supporting me financially – which also makes having a relationship very difficult.
I guess you get the picture..

I want to write again these days.. once I get more energy going..

Take good care of yourself Anita!
Thanks for writing 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

Interesting, you started this thread on Feb 18, 2024 and we talked on Feb 23, exactly 2 years ago. On this day (2 years ago), you got a job interview in Spain for March of that year.

HMMM! This is crazy isn’t it? What do you think of that ?:)) Why do you think these things aligned like this?

Anyway, I’ll get back to you later on. I’m having the interview in one hour and a half and I’m going to take a little walk. My energy levels are not very high and I feel some resistance in me. Of course I don’t feel like taking a job I have no interest in.. But let’s see how it goes.

Stay in touch
Robi

Dear Anita,

Just watched a film, feeling a little better now. One of the newer Woody Allen’s.. You like his films? I guess he stopped making films.. he must be 90 something these days..

The interview went well, better than expected. The whole thing left me energised and feeling quite light. I thought I would feel drained. I actually felt much better after that.. spent most of the day outside in the sun, fed some cats and drove around a little.

You asked me about the arguments I’ve been having with my girlfriend… Well… they very often have the same starter.. The fire starter! like the Prodigy. ( never drive a car listening to that band .. make you do crazly things ).
Of course, it’s the relationship with her mother. It’s the main topic. Somehow we almost always end up arguing about that. Somehow, all roads seem to lead there… :))
Its usually me saying something, maybe even casually.. Something like..
“ Should we have coffee at that nice corner place later on? “
“ Ah.. I told my mum I’ll be spending some time with her. “
And then I would make one of my usual faces. Something like.. “ here we go again “. Yes, okay sometimes I roll my eyes a little.. but I’m so damn fed up with always hearing the same thing.
“ I see.. OK. But.. you live with her.. don’t you spend time with her every day anyway?”
And from there, things just.. explode. She lets out all those thousands of times I said something on the topic – which she bottled up very, very tightly. Boom. From that point she’s mad that I’m again criticising her relationship with her mother, and I’m pissed off because in 4 and a half years nothing has changed there and here we are again, having the same conversation.

The thing is I’m just done feeling like there isn’t enough space for me. There has never been space for me. I know .. right? But this.. this is different. When I met her in Spain I thought we will build something together.. and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew things won’t be easy.. even while growing up. Something had told me that I’ll be facing a lot of challenges and harmony won’t be earned cheaply. I entered this relationship knowing there’s a lot I’d have to be working on and when she told me my relationship with my parents isn’t serving my growth I couldn’t agree more with her. She was right.. and I accepted that. I’ve decided to try to work on it. Although I’m not too happy with my progress, I know I’ve done a lot. Somehow I thought I’d see her do some work too.. Because I thought there is some to be done as well.. Perhaps I was wrong. But was I?

Ok..I know. I should give you a little more context.

What was I saying earlier.. I constantly feel like there isn’t space for me. I constantly feel like I’m being put in the same basket with her mother and the 2 of us ( me and the mother ) are being carefully balanced so each one of us gets a fair share of time, space, interaction. This sounds silly, I know. But the thing is.. I don’t want to be put in the same basket with anyone. Her relationship with her parent and our romantic relationship have absolutely no reason to be that close. Actually, they need distance from each other, they don’t need to be fused together. I don’t need her mother to be everywhere and in everything and often I feel that’s the case.
If we are somewhere out, she’s texting her mother, calling her, there’s always something. And the more it happens, the more evident it becomes.
When we are in her flat.. let’s just say.. we’ve decided ( me and her ) to go buy some groceries.. half an hour tops. Once we are ready to leave, there’s like a ritual going on. Her mother gives her a long hug while they whisper something to each other’s ears. In the mean time I’m unlocking the door and wait. Once they are done I just say goodbye to her mother and both of us leave. While we are walking towards the elevator her mother watches her, until we reach the elevator and the elevator doors open. They say goodbye once again. Once we get outside the building her mother already reached the balcony window and she waves to her again. It’s always the same, the exact same. Even if she’s only away for a few minutes.
Once we are back, there’s another ritual. They do it all again, only this time they do it backwards!
No.. I’m joking :)) Well, I’m only half joking…

I remember talking about my girlfriend to a therapist during my therapy session… and I briefly mentioned that my girlfriend has a close relationship with her mother. I didn’t even get into details.. and the lady says to me:
What makes you think she’s going anywhere?
Back then I thought she was going to move to Spain with me.
I thought… maybe I’m missing something. That was a couple of years ago when I did think she wouldn’t leave her mother’s flat.. but I thought I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it actually is.

So I confronted her about this many times… I told her how I felt.. I told her that I didn’t feel like a priority to her..
And.. well yes.. I blamed her for it. I told her I’ve done so much for us to be together, I moved to Poland ( more than once ) in order to be with her.. in a country I didn’t like, language I didn’t speak, I had no friends, I had no job. But I thought its worth it.. because our relationship was more important than all those other things.
But then I realised for her, moving out of her mother’s flat in order to be with me wasn’t an obvious thing. I also realised I wasn’t really her priority.
When I moved to Poland, I found a place for us to live, something I can afford and also had great confort and space. I managed to pull some strings and rent a nice house from a guy I met in Warsaw for a good price. We had a great space, a garden, a gym. But guess what, she choose not to be there full time with me… she chose to live half of the week with her mother. She said the because she works from her flat ( she has also a Yoga studio running there, in her mother’s flat ) she couldn’t travel for 40 minutes via bus 3 days a week when she had classes there. So we didn’t live together 100%.. That didn’t feel right.. because I feel I’ve made a big effort for us to be together. I didn’t feel like she made us a priority. I moved countries but she couldn’t take 40 minutes a bus ride 3 times a week. So half the time I was on my own.. which wasn’t completely bad. It’s nice to have some alone time.. sure. But I felt like.. well.. What am I doing here.. in Poland? Why am I here while my 39 years old girlfriend prefers living with her mother instead of living with me.

Anyway… recently she visited me in Romania.. I’ve been here for many months already. Last month… we spent one week in Cluj. I decided not so stay here and rent an AirBnb there. Although there’s space here I wanted us not to stay in my parents house. I think it’s time to stop playing house in our parents house and try to move on to something that serves both of us better.
Of course.. we ended up arguing about the same thing. She’s been writing to her mother every hour – from morning to evening. Since I’m a watch enthusiast it wasn’t very difficult to come up with this accurate conclusion.. I just had to glance at my wrist every time she pulled out her phone. I’ve never done anything like that before.. but this time I thought.. Ok.. let’s see how often do they actually text each other.
Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I have something against her talking to her mother… or anyone else. It’s just that after seeing all that, so often, it always hits me in the same way – This will not change, she will be wherever her mother is.. and if I want to be with her.. so will I. And.. I don’t want to be wherever her mother is. I want us to be wherever the fuck we want to be. I’d like us to be a couple – not a bunch of kids who meet in their free time and go back home by dawn. Fuck that.

And I told her.. of course. We live apart.. haven’t spent much time together in the last more than 6 months and although we only have a week.. there she is writing to her mother evert hour. She was going back to her in a couple days anyway.

So… yeah… I don’t know. Maybe you think I’m an asshole for criticising her like that. And.. maybe I am. That’s fine. But this is just how I feel… And I know I shouldn’t have told her all these things so often.. I must’ve told her hundreds of times.. Wrong thing for me to do. Perhaps I should’ve just left.. or stayed.. when I was in Spain.
Some say all this is here to teach me something. Sure.. I agree. But I’m so damn tired. I thought I needed to be well rested in order to learn anything.

This is longer than I wanted it to be.. as always. If I knew then, when I met her… that I’ll be moving to Poland to live with her and things will end up like this… well.. not sure If I’ve would’ve done the same thing.

Oookay. I might even have a glass of wine. I’ve recently decided I can have some alcohol on occasion. I’ve become too healthy and too boring!

Take good care of yourself Anita,
Thank you!
Robi