Dear Anita,

I’m still in Romania right now.. and still not sure when or if I will go to Warsaw.
Indeed.. if only things could be simple and easy.
These last weeks haven’t been easy at all.. Actually I’ve felt more and more confused and exhausted lately. These days I’m trying to be as quiet as I can.. I feel I need some quiet. All the arguments and conversations we’ve had in the last weeks are now showing results – my body feels exhausted and my mind feels foggy.

So I’ve decided to tell my girlfriend that maybe we can text each other but not call for a few days. We’ve been arguing and blaming each other for so many things in the past couple weeks that I have no more room for anything. Tomorrow I’m having an online job interview for a job I don’t even want – in Warsaw. Of course It’ll be good for my financial independence and it would help me stay there with my girlfriend.. but I don’t even know if I still want that to be honest. I mean.. I do want to get a better job and make more money so I can stand on my own feet but I’m not so sure about being with her anymore. I feel like I’ve tried so hard and I gotta change so many things in my life for things to work but she doesn’t really want to put much effort into it.. I feel like I’m on my own. And.. so does she. She feels like I’ve blamed her too much for not being more committed to our relationship. And I did.. I told her that I’m tired of not being a priority to her. I always put her first but she couldn’t. She always prioritised spending time with her mother over spending time with me.. Although I’ve moved to her country and found it so hard to live there. Still, I feel I ended up sacrificing so much in order to see her giving as little as possible. I feel like these dynamics leave no space for a relationship. I know that my own struggles don’t help either.. and I might not be ready for a stable, healthy relationship.. but neither is she.. and from her side I haven’t seen much effort to change anything.

Anyway.. I don’t want to start ranting about it.. it makes no sense. These days I’m just trying to sit with my emotions and leave all distractions aside. I don’t know what I’m going to do. These last weeks seem to bring out so much uncertainty and very little clarity. I feel I need to sit down a little, stop stressing out about making everything work.. and just be for a moment. I’ve been so damn stressed lately. Of course I feel a little guilty for not calling her, for not being more chatty.. but to be honest I don’t feel like talking to her at all. So I won’t – until I feel like it. I feel I’ve been giving so much.. and I got tired.

There’s probably a lot more to come out but I lack the energy to write anything that makes sense..
You asked me about the coaching session – how do we mirror each other. Well, both of us depend on our parents. I depend financially and she depends emotionally. I challenge the relationship she has with her mother – because I feel that the way her mother is omnipresent in her life makes things very difficult for us to be together and have intimacy. She challenges the relationship I have with my parents – them supporting me financially – which also makes having a relationship very difficult.
I guess you get the picture..

I want to write again these days.. once I get more energy going..

Take good care of yourself Anita!
Thanks for writing 🙂
Robi