Dear Anita,

What a week this has been! I’m about to board the plane, sitting with my bags and my longboard. I like airports when they’re not too packed. All those distant beeps in the background, fragments of all languages. Everyone going somewhere – some for longer some for a bit. I don’t know which one am I. I just know I’m doing what I think its the right thing to do. My girlfriend has been here for a week, we talked a lot about things and we spent some nice time here on holiday. It is a holiday resort more than anything else. I decided to go to Warsaw and try to find work. We might still come here to live together but better if we do it the right way – coming here together having some money aside and ( me ) not relying on my parents support. I’ve already applied to some jobs there and had an interview ( might have the second and final one.. still don’t know ).

Almost 2 weeks ago during a phone call with my parents, I told them I’m considering moving back to Warsaw. I told them I don’t feel good here on my own and I would rather be closer to my girlfriend. Right away they bombarded me with disapproval – they told me I shouldn’t go back there because while I was there I didn’t like it and I kept complaining about it. Also they kept repeating it should be my girlfriend who will have to sacrifice this time and not me. ( again ). They told me she is probably trying to manipulate me into going back there so she doesn’t have to leave. I didn’t like what they said and I told them I will do as I feel. It was such a draining conversation..I wasn’t able to say much.. I was just listening to a couple of sentences repeating for half an hour. I was already very tired both physically and mentally.. emotionally too. I was happy at least I’ve told them and I ”broke the ice” so to speak. I expected them to react this way, I told you. A few days later my dad wrote to me – he said he’s been thinking of me and he supports me, that everything will fall into place and I should stay positive.

Since then, I’ve only texted my dad once on Friday, telling him I’ve decided to go to Warsaw and I’ve already had an interview for a job and a couple more prospects. Also, I told him I might go to Romania for a couple weeks before I start working in Warsaw. He replied to me quickly, asking me about the job I’ve found. Quickly after my reply he said that when he said he supports me he meant that he supports me staying in Spain and not to go back to Warsaw ( a place he helped me leave from – financially of course ). I was surprised to hear such words from him.. and not a work about me possibly going to Romania for a bit – I thought they might be happy to see me after a few months of not much contact. I told him that then, he shouldn’t support me. I didn’t know what else to say to that.. really.

I see the price of all that support I’ve received.

I have no idea how things will play out… I’m heading towards Warsaw with some money in my pocket but not that much. In a way I feel kinda homeless.. if I run out of money I wouldn’t be able to contribute to the food and bills in my girlfriend’s flat.. her mother’s actually. It’s all very stressful.. I know being there won’t be easy either.. but being here crashing with an almost stranger didn’t really support our goals.. I don’t think so. Right now I don’t know what comes next. Well.. we never really do anyways.. but I’d like my map to show a little further. These days I’ve felt so tired I just wanted to take a break, to rest.. not to think of anything at all. I couldn’t really.. but I’m hoping the next days I could relax a little bit.

When I came here 3 months ago I did not expect this outcome at all. I just don’t see the lesson of this chapter. ( yet )

At this point I’m so sleepy I couldn’t focus on typing anymore.. I slept very little and all the packing and organising took the best out of me. Later on today I’ll be back in Warsaw meeting my girlfriend.. starting again.. or continuing. In the mean time I could enjoy some time on my own.. just strolling around the airport.. maybe listening to a podcast 🙂

Thank you for reading Anita, I hope you are doing fine! 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

6 days since I came back to Warsaw – what a strange week this has been. Arriving here felt very pleasant, I liked the vivid energy of the city right away. Sadly the next day I got an ear infection and I’ve been struggling with it since ( now its a lot better but I still feel a little off ). It took me less than 48 hours to feel like I regret leaving Spain to come here. In Spain I had (some) work and (some) privacy. Here, we live with my girlfriend’s mother in a small flat with no doors. ( I guess.. no privacy ). I knew all this before taking the decision to move back here – I lived in this flat, in these circumstances for more than half a year and I hated it always. Still, I decided to come here anyway. Not having a job also doesn’t make things easier.. having to manage a lot of free time has never been my best asset.

Now.. as I was saying.. I knew I have to live with my girlfriend and her elderly mother and I took that step anyway. Now, I am quite uncomfortable and often I regret coming back here and I don’t see myself being here much longer. At least, not like this. Of course, If I get a job and a decent income we would be able to rent something of our own.. but that could take a while.

The expected, happened. My girlfriend was telling me a few days before leaving Spain together – ” I’m afraid the moment we touch down you’ll start hating it again and you’ll start complaining about how bad it is to leave with my mother ”.  Well, right she was. And, I must’ve known that.. but somehow blocked it, covered it? How did I become so unaware of those months of hating being in an uncomfortable place? Why would I trick myself into it.. unless I.. subconsciously wanted to experience that?

Oops. Feels like I’ve hit the nail in the head. Now.. what kinda freeko am I?

To be honest, since I came back I felt very disappointed in myself. I felt like I should’ve know better by now. Also, I felt like maybe I overestimated my awareness and ability to put things together. I often felt pretty confident that I am growing in a healthy way and I’m making some great progress… but these days I felt like maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was.. and maybe I failed a little.

I feel like for years I’ve been living in the jungle and at early age I’ve lost my way. However,  I didn’t give up. I kept going and learning new skills. I trusted my compass and I started making progress.  Now, I’ve just realised I’ve been walking in circles all this time.. I’ve reached again the same spot. – this is how I’ve been feeling these days.

I am a cocktail of mixed feelings right now. Part of me regrets my decision to come here and the other part keeps telling me that I should trust my decision. I’d like to believe I decided based on my intuition – as I often do. So here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore. And I tell myself I came back here in order to be with my woman. I’m sure there’s more to it. I feel like I’m missing something. There is something I don’t see.. I don’t quite see the bigger picture.

Of course, I could always ask my previous landlord if I could have my old room back and go back to live in Alicante..which I’ve been considering these days. All this starts to look more and more.. like a game of ping-pong.

I do trust the process.. I always did.. but this time I feel like I’ve drifted a little bit too far off the track. Maybe I’m wrong.. and all this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Either way… what a freak show this is. Really!

I feel like I need to shake myself up a little.. I’m fed up with the way I’ve been handling things lately.. I’m really fed up and I feel like I can’t go on like this anymore. Some steps need to be taken in order to move on – because I gotta move on.. I can’t go on like this any longer.

Maybe its the way I look at things. Maybe all my routines, workouts, meditations, breath work sessions don’t really make up for my negative mindset? Maybe I’m not seeing the positive things or the growth opportunities in my current situation? But.. what would I learn from living in uncomfortable circumstances?

Interesting note to finish on I think… I will write soon again…

Hope to hears from you soon Anita! Take good care!

Robi

Dear Roberta,

Thank you! Indeed – an attitude of gratitude has been something I’ve been working on for some time. I express gratitude, part of my daily practice of meditation. With no exception after I meditate, I think of lets say a number of aspects of my life I am grateful for – I feel good, positive, balanced and connected.

I think, in reality what I am doing is not adopting an attitude of gratitude but expressing gratitude in the first part of the day for a couple of minutes. Later on I switch back into my ”original” programming and this way the rest of the day my attitude doesn’t match what I previously cultivated during my morning practice.

The gratefulness practice I’m doing in the morning must be hosted by my conscious mind and the rest of the day I probably operate from my programming ( which is unconscious ). Making the unconscious, conscious – that’s what everyone keeps talking about. Interesting 🙂

Thank you for your insight, funny enough these days I’ve been thinking a lot about how my beliefs are affecting the way I perceive the world around me and I was thinking a lot about gratitude.