Thanks Anita, I am comfortable writing in whenever. I myself would just like to write more but life happens.

So let me start by saying I love my aunt she was a huge support to me when I first came back to Illinois and especially when my mother passed. I knew moving in with her would bring challenges but never thought it would be like this. So I noticed the passive aggression in the first month, I noticed the controlling behavior and I noticed her anger when I didn’t do what she thought I should be doing. So I should have left when I seen these red flags. I am trying to figure out why I think I should keep myself in places where I am not comfortable. Sorry I get off topic and vent. The most passive aggressive behavior recently, which caused me to leave for 3 days and I felt great about that was the way she was making these indirect comments about me going to see my aunt who is in a comatose state right now. So since my moms passing her sister got really sick, had a brain hemorrhage and has been unconscious since February. It is horrible for my family right now. Since she was at home sick I have been helping to care for her, since being comatose I have been at the hospital about twice weekly. There was hope at one point but as of lately I haven’t been able to handle the emotions of being there. So I took a break. She started making me feel really bad about this. It is hard to say how she does it, it is never a direct comment with her she just makes these indirect comments aiming to make me feel bad for not going. Well I stood my ground and didn’t go for 2 weeks. I was working two jobs, dealing with her and starting to get really emotional with mothers day coming up and do you think she or my family supports it? No they just want you doing what they want it feels like. Sometimes I feel some of this behavior is not as bad as I make it sound but since the trauma I have recently endured I cannot take it. There are so many different things she does. This is not the only thing. She was talking behind my back about this to family members and I started to isolate because she was making me feel so shameful and then I realized no, I am not going to let her isolate me from my family so I reached out and took my grandma out and also helped her re decorate her bathroom, I went to lunch with my other aunt twice in a row, and reached out to my aunt’s husband who is comatose and let him know I was ready to go see my aunt again and that I had to take a break. I feel much better but as depressed as I was I was ready to isolate myself from family. Thank God I didn’t. Since doing these things the aunt I live with has totally withdrawn from me. She has been dodging me at home and last night she came home and didn’t even yell Hi to me downstairs like she always does. I truly believe she is jealous of anything I do or anyone does for that matter. For years she has downed her son and made him look like a terrible person, and he has done some really crappy things to her, but now I am starting to see how she has played a roll. She has isolated him from family by bad mouthing him to everyone who will listen, making herself look like the victim. I will not let her do that to me. I am a good person and will never do as she wants me to but I do what I feel is right. I have been buying dressed and shoes for spring, the next days she posts her new shoes by the door. The same exact amount I bought. It is like instead of being happy for anything I do she is in competition and makes me feel bad about myself. I am on a loving me trip and I have been doing things for myself because it keeps me out of depression, I don’t do it to show her anything. There have been times I come home so happy and she will say something completely down and sad to get me out of my happy state.  She has a big yard and loves planting and gardening. I let her know from day 1 that I am not into it but would pay half for any maintenance just like I did with winter and snow which she had a problem with. She doesn’t want to pay for maintenance and has been doing it herself. So I have helped as much as I seen fit. I understand she is a 60 year old woman but I will not be manipulated into helping. If she would simply ask me, Can you help me in the yard this weekend? I would say yes. But with my own limits. Instead she leaves gloves and yard tools by the door as a hint. I just totally ignore it, is this wrong? She has told people I am lazy because I don’t do it. She has insinuated I am lazy, and will say passive aggressive things like ” oh I am sure you can use a break today”. I feel bad for her. I realize people who do these things are severely unhappy and it hurts me but I don’t take on the responsibility any more of trying to make these type of people happy. And that is the hardest thing for me. I always felt I needed to save people but I realize some people do not want to be saved. I have tried to give her advice, told her to live her life because all she does is work and come home and judge everyone elses life. Especially her son’s life, she talks every day with his dad and they thrive off of judging everything him and his woman do and what they don’t do. It is so unhealthy. I really thought my aunt was trying to support me but I really think she thought me coming here was going to have someone to control and do anything she wanted, I think she thought I would be home with her everyday, I think she thought she was going to have like a kid again. But instead I am hardly home, very independent and work two jobs, and will not do what she wants. Sometimes I feel rude because I live in her home but I do my share. I keep all of my quarters clean, no I do not clean her house and I think she feels I should help.  Same with the yard, I had my father come and completely set up all the big yard furniture. Nothing is enough for this woman! I feel better because if I was in better spirits I probably would help more since she is elder but I am healing, sometimes I do not feel like getting out of bed. I hardly have the energy to clean my basement area sometimes. I am still hurting. I have been working two jobs. Am I wrong? Be honest with me. I am so unsure sometimes.

Oh and I forgot to mention how she came home 3 different times in the last month and caught me crying and came by me and literally acted as if she care and then asks me if I lost my job? Of all things. I think she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her.

All in all this may sound like dumb things but they are very hurtful to me right now, since I thought she asked me to come here knowing I was in the process of getting my life together and out of support but just like the rest of the world I feel she asked me here for her own needs.

Anita,

It is so hard to hear you say that even though I know it is true. I am not sure how my cousin was as a child but as an adult he is a womanizer, he cheats on every girlfriends and there has been over 50. He uses people and has disrespected people greatly so for years I have always had her side. It is so scary and freaky to think she caused him to be that way. It is similar to my ex. And his mother I believe was some of the same. I do not believe these women choose to hurt people like this. My aunt is always there for everyone in the family when they need help. She helped me a great deal, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her during those times. I do agree she has this angst. something I see most people have lately. She feels better about herself if she is talking about someone else. But I see this done to her by her elders so it is a pattern. That is where my compassion kicks in. Similar to my mom, my grandma, my other aunts. They were being the way they were raised. I don’t think my mom truly mean to hurt me or either my aunts to their children. My family are not cruel intention ed people but they have bad bad behavior that they learned and it hurts people. It’s hard not to want to save them. I love them. If I move from my Aunt, she was my final support in family. So sad for me. I am afraid to make another leap and change. I have been through so much Anita! Also I am trying to understand the good in people as the bad. For instance my father hasn’t been much of a dad AT ALL in my life. He has done so much damage and is still very inconsistent. But recently we have hung out and he has been there for me in his own way which has been helpful. He has admitted to things including not taking accountability for his actions. He said he wants to but when it comes down to it he chickens out. But he also offered what he could to our relationship. I know these people are not perfect but to have these connections have been lifelines for me as I walk alone in my journey. I don’t know just my thoughts.

I really like to see the good in people because I know I am not perfect. I too when I was acting very co dependently was very selfish. I talked about people, judged people, and expected so much from people and probably shamed them. All unintentionally. So how can I judge these hurt people so harshly. Aren’t we all hurting after all?

Hi Anita,

I agree with you as usual but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive. She let me sleep over before moving here all the time. She made me comfortable. And then she offered me to live here when my brother and I were having problems. So it is hard to cross her off and not feel bad for certain things. I know she has poor behavior. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs, she only knows how to manipulate. That is sad.

I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse. I don’t do things she tries to manipulate me to do and I do not let her shame me when she tries to. I have been so strong and for that I am proud.

I know I do not have to leave but for the most part I do think it is the best thing to do. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey. Plus I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can. Hopefully moving away from her we can get back to the relationship we had. But that didn’t work out too well with my brother. Our relationship got worse after leaving.

So the thing holding me back is the money I will “lose” 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings. Which I think I can handle losing. But the space as well. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into one bedroom but a big one where I can put a desk. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women. That is a huge change. HUGE. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work and get ready for the day without any disturbance. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away. At least with strangers as roommates I can go directly to my room when I do not wish to be bothered and not have to worry about being shamed for it, at least I hope not. I am so confused.

Another worry is the fact that my other Aunt is about to be sent to hospice and it will be a hard time for my Aunt and me and I feel bad leaving her at this time. My family may think I am heartless.

I am having a hard time?

But hate that I never get myself out of situations when I know I should. I should have got an apartment by myself as soon as I got here. I think that would have prevented my brother and I falling out as well as his girlfriend and I. It would have prevented my aunt I going through this. I can’t help but have that in my mind lately but am trying to have compassion for myself as I was lost when I first got here.