Thank you all so much for your insightful advice. I have had some more discussions with him: “Yes I do have feelings for you and I do care about you absolutely, but I’m not interested in working on, or being focus on a relationship at this point in my life I could take or leave that part , I am human I have developed feelings for you I’m not heartless”

Regarding his wife: “And also you know how I feel about my marriage, you’re very clear on that I haven’t heard anything from you that’s also something you need to take into consideration moving forward for yourself. At some point I will not do that I know I have to move forward whatever that may be I will never stop loving her I don’t know if I will ever stop being in love with her but I will stop fighting for her”

This is what I expected to hear and as Michelle remarked: The writing is on the wall.

Thank you all! You are remarkable.

So as a postscript, his wife said at the her moment she does not want to work on things so he asked her if she wanted a divorce and she told him to do what he wants. So he is moving forward with filing in the next month or two, but he is not sure what she will do …that is, if she will realize it’s actually happening and come back. He says he is not sure if she really wants it to happen.   He also says he is not sure what he will do if she stops him from filing and wants to work on things. I asked him if he is filing for divorce to call her bluff (test her) and he says no. He feels like he can’t be with anyone at this time. He is confused and needs to get through this time alone. He would like me there if  he gets divorced, so things can be in the open, but he doesn’t want me to wait. He also said that consistent with what he said at the beginning of this almost two years ago, that right now he doesn’t think he wants a full on relationship regardless of the situation with his wife.  So even when he is single he will want to date me but may not want a committed situation. He doesn’t know when he will want that.

Per Mark, I suppose I need to cut him out for good…

I do feel like I am being “dumped”, but if history repeats itself, he will be back, meaning I suspect in a week or so, he will reach out to me with some type of innuendo, which will eventually turn into our getting together.  That is how it tends to work. He has been in and out for two years…

So yes, he is honest, but he also always leaves the door open a crack to keep me hanging on. He gives me some sort of carrot to keep my hopes up a little, like saying he has feelings for me and cares about me and wants to be with me after his divorce (in whatever capacity that may be). I feel like he wants to put the minimum in to see how much he can get.  I also do not understand how he can be in love with his wife if he has not made an effort to get back with her all the while having an affair with me.  He could have spent all that time he was spending with me pursuing her. I feel like he wants her now that she has said she does not want to work on things. He wants what he cannot have.

He talked about the fact that I had dated throughout these past few years and he did not. He did not understand why I “need” a man. I disagreed and said that I do not need a man, but rather am open to having a real relationship with someone and when he said he was not, I dated others to see if I could find someone who was also open to possibilities.  Therefore, it is not that I need a commitment, but, Anita, you are correct in that I do want a man who is capable of one should that be something that I ultimately want.

Last night he stopped by to pick something up and I guess to say goodbye. He came in and picked up the guitar, played me some music, then he laid back on me and we watched some humorous videos together. After two hours, I was thinking that maybe he just had a bad day the other day when he said he wanted to be alone during this time. He was not acting like a man who wanted to end things. And, this has happened before …he ends things then we continue like nothing happened. So after a longer evening, before he left, he reminded me he wanted to be alone now. I am so angry about that. I am angry that I allowed myself to get sucked into his affection and he ended up getting what he wanted before he confirmed that he was still moving forward. So, while he is honest, I feel like that was insensitive and playing with my emotions.

Hi Anita- thank you for your reply and for your insight.  He has been honest in his statements to me, that’s true. He just has not been very sensitive. I also think I just need to come to terms with the fact that he does not want me. And that’s okay. It does not feel great but I don’t take it personally. It has been two years and he keeps defaulting to the same story. And he pulls back and/or ends things with me after we have a stretch of time where we had a good time.

Thank you so much!!

Thank you Anita and everyone for your responses. I have an update. So the week after he came over, he kept in touch. So again the next Saturday night, (naively) thinking there was a chance to get things back to normal, I had him come over. Things were great again and I felt very close to him. Then as he walked out the door he turned to me and told me “not to read to much into this” and that “nothing has changed” but “we’re still friends”. I asked him to leave. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.  He apologized for saying that several times. He never really said he didn’t mean it, just that he shouldn’t have said it. It was heartless and demeaning to say that to someone you have spent two years with and was close to…at least what I thought.

So the next Monday and Tuesday nights he ends up at the gym location I go to  He usually goes to another location.  He exercised with me, showed me how to use many weighthts, staying after with me for an hour to help train me   The next night he showed up again  same thing  he left after to get some dinner alone and did not ask me to join him though  then I did not hear from him for two days  On the third morning I texted him and told him that the last two times we were together he made it clear it was purely physical. So the next time he is planning on texting me it will be to have an adult mature relationship with me or let me go completely meaning no contact.  We texted a little that night then said goodnight and that was it  i have not heard from him since  I am terribly upset  but I feel like I did he right thing.  He didn’t want to be with me right now, so why should I continue to sleep with him and get my hopes up each time he reached out to say hello.  I hope it gets better.  It is just very hard to say goodbye to someone like this.