Dear Benedikt,

Often doing it feels like a bourden and there is little joy. I talk about stuff which is fun like Painting, Gardening. There’s no pressure, it’s meaningfull things.

Are painting and gardening things that you would like to try, like hobbies, or it’s something which feels more like chores? Usually, we find joy in our hobbies, because those are the things we like and no one forces us to do them. On the contrary, if the joy is missing, maybe it means there is some expectation on yourself that you should do those things, but you don’t really want to.

It could have something to do with this inner belief that I have to do everything myself which makes it very difficult to ask for help (I feel guilty when I manage)

I don’t really understand it, it feels like I see the start and the end but no in between. The in between is scary.

Yes, it could be that you feel you need to do everything by yourself, which takes out the joy from it. Could it be that what you feel is something like this: you’d like to have a nice garden, but you don’t know how to go about it. You feel you need to figure it out all by yourself, and that’s scary. And you feel you can’t ask anyone because you will be seen as a burden if you do?

Hi Benedikt

I tend to get in my head about most things which makes the experience of joy and happiness that much tougher. Imagine trying to think and measure your way into joy, contentment, happiness. I tend to forget that words such as joy and happiness are experiences and not ‘things’ created.  Such things are happenings. (language and ego consciousness are dualistic by necessity so difficult to express – thus a happening happens regardless of if you let it happen or try to control it. However, an attempt to control a happening, though still a happening, most likely won’t be experienced that way.)

Taoism has the concept Wu Wei  ‘non-doing,’ (all wisdom traditions have similar notion if not always understood) Wu Wei is not so much about ‘doing nothing’ as it is about aligning our movement with the greater flow of life. Often referred to as ‘natural action,’ Wu Wei does not involve excessive effort or struggle, but a kind of ‘going with the flow’ where we are able to move with the energy of the moment and respond freely to whatever situation that arises. From a western perspective; perhaps a act of will that is the letting go of will.

Doing and Being… two of the great dualisms everyone struggles with… what if I suggested that they aren’t opposites? That there not even two sides of the same coin as in heads OR tails. As a metaphor perhaps heads AND tails, but then where is the fun in flipping it in the air. Here’s a riddle for you what is the word for something that is both doing and being, in and out, up and down… happy and sad? 

You used the word ‘manifest’. Manifest a kind of doing, setting intention, direction, pulling the draw string with the arrow back AND Being, letting the arrow fly. Doing tends to focus and measurement and control (ego) while Being is All about the whole experience, no measurements, no language, required. (The bliss of not having to name something to experience it! Not even the words like joy or happiness! I wonder if the ‘emptiness’ Zen points to isn’t partly the emptiness of a space of no words?)

The archer pulling back the draw strings of the bow, aiming at a target. Doing is ‘happy’ when intention and result align. Nothing wrong with that only notice any expectation of happy if I hit the target OR sad when I don’t. But Being, Being is alive in the whole process most especially the release and of the arrow, the excitement and terror of not knowing, feeling and experiencing all the things.

Doing tends to view the arrow as separate, but for Being there is no separation. Being is the archer, the bow the arrow, the air and target. Feel the energy in the archer and bow as the arrow is held ready pointed in a direction, and then release, whoosh, feel the arrow slicing through the air, flying, the terror, wonder… ‘thunk’…  Hit, miss, new, exhilarated! If just those moments… we don’t forget

Again! the child cries out! Again!

Perhaps the art of manifesting is getting out of the way?

Hi Benedikt

Thank you for the additional context. I’m sorry to hear that you’re in pain, I hope things get easier with your trapped nerve.

I totally get where you’re coming from with chores and pain issues.

It’s something that is really hard to adjust to and it’s important to be patient with yourself while you try to find your own way of balancing things.

Some interesting things I’ve learned about pain is that it’s linked to sleep, stress, exercise and diet.

What helped me was learning to prioritise tasks. And how to make some tasks easier for myself. Ultimately, I learned that it’s okay for some chores to wait. The most important things can be handled first.

It’s good that you’ve identified that you have a strong desire for connection with people. It’s really important to incorporate your favourite things from your pre-pain lifestyle but perhaps in a modified sustainable way.

Do you think there’s a reason why you make more of an effort to do chores around other people?

I like chatGPTs advice about a lack of clarity about why you want to do chores. I had to learn to really focus on motivation to do chores with pain issues. Sometimes this was celebrating small wins by taking before and after photos. Sometimes it acknowledging that I was cleaning because I have allergies and it helped me to breathe.

Hmm how to stay connected? Do you feel like you aren’t spending as much time with people because of your health issues? Do you find it harder to leave the house? Are people less willing to visit you? What are the challenges there?

Hi Beni,

It seems to me you’re used to the role of care-taker, taking care of other people’s needs, but you have trouble expressing your own needs, and specially asking for help when you need it:

I naturaly take care of everyone around me. Boundaries and my business, not my business are things I reflect upon a lot. I have to be very careful to only give with harmony to myself.

It seems you like to give and give, and it’s sometimes too much and you lose your own harmony?

You say you want connection with people, but you believe you need to first deserve it:

I want connection, I need to do something for it to deserve it. Like, I have a Garden where I can invite people too.

So you believe you need to have a nice garden, i.e. first give something to people, in order to deserve that they visit you, right?

Actually I just want to invite people. I deep down I know that. It’s like my core motivation is crooked. Actually I just want to be connected. This should go first.

I create an event where I can ask somebody for help and that does not feel right. I don’t want to ask for help if it’s not honest.

I see – you feel dishonest if you first give something (e.g. organize a garden party) in order to receive. You would like to receive love and attention, without having to do something for people first, right? You would like to receive without “bribing” them, so to speak?

Could it be that you had a similar dynamic in your childhood, where you were a care-taker for your parent(s) and siblings? And you’ve learned to believe that you are only worthy if you first give to others?

especially the “at times like this” triggers me. I think it’s difficult because if I get rejected it can break my heart.

Maybe you believe that you’re not worthy if you are sick and needy. You might fear that if you show your neediness (i.e. express your needs), you’ll be rejected.

Once I’m frozen it’s difficult to ask for help. I think when I freeze it’s already late. I don’t know how to deal with the frozen state. I might need somebody who touches my shoulder and tells me everything is alright. You’re save.

I want to talk to the guy’s at work and I want to let them know that when I’m lost. I’m actually scared. And that I’m not shure what I need. And I’d like to try that that they touch my shoulder and tell me everything is alright.

It’s good that you’ve realized that you need someone to reassure you that you’re safe and that everything will be fine. I believe it would be best if you could work with a therapist to provide that safe haven for you, where you can freely express your feelings and even your neediness, without needing to impress anyone.

I would rather work with a safe person, like a therapist, than with your work colleagues, because they might not understand what you need. I would only express that level of vulnerability if those colleagues are super safe and would be able to provide that non-judgmental, loving support.

Or if you have a good friend (you say you don’t have a close friend, but there are a few people in your circle with whom you could get closer). So I suggest to open up only to safe people, rather than to someone who might not be able to offer that level of understanding and support.

I’ll be happy to talk to you and further unpack this, if you find it helpful.

Dear Beni

Have you tried the Lovingkindness practice? There are loads on youtube both talks & guided meditations.

There are so many different versions i am pretty sure that you will find a couple that will resonate with you especially if you start with the ones that focus on self loving kindness.

wishing you all the best with finding your joy