Hi Beni,

I am sorry if what I said in my last post upset you. I guess a part of my concern is that I myself am very afraid of re-injury and perhaps I’ve projected my own fears onto you.

Because this spinal injury is a completely different “beast”, a health condition I’ve never experienced before. Initially after my injury, I thought it was simply a strained back and that it would heal in a few days. After 7-8 days I did indeed start feeling better, and I resumed with normal activity (bending, ironing etc), and I think that’s when I made it worse. The pain became persistent – not strong, but constant. That’s when I decided to get a scan, because it was strange.

There was also a second instance, approx. a month after my injury, where I was feeling better again, and so I bent again while doing housework. I wasn’t even thinking about it, I did it automatically (not paying attention to how I was bending), since my pain was practically gone at that point. And that’s what caused the pain to spike, and then it took me months to alleviate.

So that’s why I am super afraid of doing a wrong move – because I know what it can do to me. Of course, I’ve done a lot of core training since and I did become more resilient, so even if I do a bad move – accidentally – I do get better after 5-6 days or so. So it’s not irreversible. However, I am cautious to never bend the old way, but to always have my spine straight. And I am taking other precautions as well, not to aggravate the pain.

A part of my problem is that in the beginning I wasn’t told by either my doctor or my physical therapist that some movements can aggravate the pain and that I should avoid them. And I paid a price of not knowing that…

So when you said that you’re still skating, doing the moves similar to those that caused your injury – I was like “nooo, please don’t do that, you might hurt yourself!”. I might have been projecting, because maybe you found a way to do those moves safely, so that they are less likely to cause you injury?

You said something interesting: that you don’t want to believe that there are wrong movements:

I try to let go of that belief that there is right an wrong movement. I wanna follow what feels light and bright.

Well, it’s kind of widely accepted (and I’ve experienced it on my own skin too), that with spinal injury there actually can be wrong movements, e.g. bending the wrong way or lifting something heavy without bracing. Maybe you want to say that if you do a movement properly, with all the necessary precautions, it can be pretty safe?

You said you do feel pain the day after skating:

When I have a lot of impact I usually feel it more the day after.

May I ask how strong is this pain and how long it lasts? Because if you have pain afterwards and it stays for a while, then perhaps it’s not so “light and bright.” Of course, you know your body best, but I think it’s important to consider whether you feel reasonably well in the following days, or you are experiencing a setback?

If you feel you are getting stronger and stronger every day, and you’re feeling less and less impact after doing those movements – then perhaps it’s really safe for you to do them.

You also said you did a Snowboard Teacher Training in December, which I guess means that you could cope quite well with that level of strain? This tells me that your spine is in a much better shape than mine, so perhaps you don’t need to be that cautious.

I start to belief that to heal it’s better to fully trust in my body rather then doing what makes the most sense. That’s creating insecurity cause I do not know what I’m doing.

I am sorry if my previous post contributed to your insecurity, by me “siding” with the doctors and telling you to do what “makes the most sense”, i.e. what is usually recommended for this type of injury.

As I’ve said, I am coming from my own experience and my own fragility/sensitivity, which still lingers more than a year since the injury.

I hope we can talk some more, because this is an important topic for both us, which has a big impact on our lives. And so I hope we can continue our discussion…

Take care, Beni!

Hey Beni,

I am glad you replied (and no, I didn’t feel any defensiveness on your part).

It’s not really pain it’s more that my right leg feels a bit different (colder) and I have like a 1 in my back if it gets more I just stop.

Okay, 1 is a really small pain, and if you stop if it gets any higher, I guess that’s safe enough.

As for the cold feeling in your leg, that’s the sciatic nerve. So I guess it does get affected a little. Have you tried taking vitamin B6? I’ve tried it when I felt tension in my nerve, and it helped.

I use my body way more cautious these day’s way more soft and I take more breaks…. I ride ramps mostly they’re round you fall different you have less impact. It feels okay to do it. I use my body different than a year ago way more conscious.

That’s good to hear! To be honest, I was afraid that you’re minimizing the impact and sort of telling yourself that the pain is only in your head. But if you stop yourself after the pain gets above 1, then I think you’re pretty cautious about it.

What I’ve learned (based on the teachings of Drs Sarno, Schubiner, Hanscom etc) is that pain (specially chronic pain) depends on the way we perceive danger. Pain is created in the brain, based on the impulses we receive from the body, but also the level of danger we perceive.

If we believe that a movement is dangerous/unsafe, we will feel more pain, because pain is the brain’s alarm to stop doing that what is dangerous. If we believe that the movement is safe, we will feel less pain.

Before I’ve learned this, every time I’d accidentally make a wrong move and started feeling pain, I would panic and fear that I’ve messed it up and wouldn’t be able to recover from it. I perceived danger from every “less than perfect” movement. And that’s what increased the pain and made me worry even more. That mental anguish and worry was actually very exhausting, it wasn’t good for my mental health at all.

So I’ve learned to accept that not every less-than-perfect move is dangerous, and this made me much more relaxed about feeling pain. Because I know that in a few days I’ll be back to normal again, and that I haven’t messed it up irreversibly.

I did the injection because the doc told me the insurance might not pay. I was afraid that when I do not have pain I might overdo myself.

Oh I see, so you didn’t even want an injection because you were afraid you won’t feel the pain and then you’d overdo yourself. This means you didn’t really want to minimize the pain – you wanted to feel it, so that it guides you. I assumed the opposite – that you minimized it so you can keep skating. I apologize for that – that was my false assumption.

That time I had very clear feedback from my body when I needed a break. Now it’s not so clear sometimes it’s activity sometimes mood.

Yeah, that’s the nature of chronic pain. The nerve endings get sensitized over time, and as soon as there is an inkling of pain, the whole “pain circle” in the brain gets activated. And yes, it depends on the mood too, because if you are afraid you did something dangerous, it hurts more.

Yeah, I kinda wanna let go of that cause it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is

I guess it’s both: a pain signal from the injured place, combined with the “pain circle” in the brain, which magnifies that pain if you perceive it as dangerous.

I think this is what you’ve described here:

I have been observing that when I’m in touch and I fall on a Skateboard it does not hurt it’s kind of a sweet pain. As soon as there is a slight pressure (my mind wants to take control). I get more stiff it hurts and I feel I can get injured.

the last 4 times I observed when I’m in pain there’s also guilt or abandonment around and not only as science say’s wrong movement. I might just feel this way because I belief it’s not good for me.

So when you fall, if you don’t feel afraid, you only feel “sweet pain.” Or your brain interprets it as “sweet”. But if you start doubting, feeling guilty that you did something you shouldn’t have done, you get stiff and it hurts, and then you feel that in that stiff posture, you might really injure yourself (I get more stiff it hurts and I feel I can get injured.) Am I understanding this right?

it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is and I noticed that I need to let go of these good/bad beliefs. Wrong movement that’s too easy to say.

Yeah, I think it’s a combination of the real physical pain and the pain generated in the brain, which serves as a danger signal. For me, as an anxious person by nature, my brain was producing more pain, to warn me of the potential danger. In other words, my “alarm” is too sensitive and goes off even when it shouldn’t.

I don’t know how it is for you. When I wrote that post, telling you to be more cautious, I thought that maybe your “alarm” is not sensitive enough. But I am not thinking that any more, because you actually said you want to use pain as your guide not to overdo yourself. So it’s not like you want to numb and minimize your pain.

Anyway, let me know what you think about all this. Maybe I am overthinking it. But since it’s about spine, I kind of feel I have to 🙂

A Neuro-Surgeon told me that it’s hard for doctor’s to know if what they did helped or if it was placebo. And he’s researching this.

Yeah, Dr. Hanscom is also a neurosurgeon, who stopped doing spine surgeries once he realized that the success rate of those surgeries is only about 20%. Many people didn’t get the pain relief they were hoping for. That’s why I think nowadays they don’t push those surgeries unless it’s a must, like when the nerve is pinched and the person suffers incontinence, cannot move their legs and suchlike.

I hear that you did a small move and had big impact which makes you very cautious. I think this is how we are conditioned mostly. Because you had this experience you can be that cautious.

Yeah, it definitely wasn’t good for my anxiety. Because in the beginning, I didn’t even think anything of it, I wasn’t anxious at all, thought it would go away in a matter of days. But then as it wouldn’t go away and it got worse (partly because I wasn’t told I should be cautious), it really made me overly cautious and fearing my ever move.

Hey Beni,

you are welcome!

Yes, I actually bought a supplement once I read it from you and noticed that the Magnesium I take has it too.

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

There’s one thing I think about. I think it can be psychosomatic too. There is this saying in german:’She/He has no backbone’. It’s when someone does not standup for himself.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. Because with this condition, I definitely feel like I have no power (no physical power), or that it is very limited. I can’t lift, vacuum clean, push anything heavy etc. And I can relate this to having not enough power (inner power) in certain areas of my life. Also, I can relate it to lack of resilience – because a relatively mild movement caused such a big injury/disability in my life.

So yeah, this condition definitely mirrors my psychological condition too. A part of my healing was to realize I am not that helpless and fragile as I thought I was, i.e. that I am more resilient than I thought I was. And it helped me deal with those flare-ups, because I’ve realized that I will be okay in a few days. That I am able to bounce back to my default, low-level pain.

So that’s the resilience part. The lack of inner strength part is something I am still working on. That’s where I need to toughen up and do certain things that I am postponing.

So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself. This is what my being is prioritizing more than doing exercises it seems to be the most important as soon I get the basic needs met.

Yeah, it does seem that healing involves not only physical but also psychological healing. This injury made me aware of some of the fears and false beliefs that I wasn’t even aware of. And it mirrored (and magnified) the limitations I had, which I now need  to work on. But for me, physical exercise and daily walks are still a must, because if I don’t do them, my pain gets worse.

But maybe, as I can hopefully start dissolving those blocks and weaknesses that I have, perhaps my back will feel better too. I certainly hope so! That would be amazing – if I could get unstuck psychologically, and at the same time get significantly better physically, with regard to my back. That would be a miracle that I need in my life! 🙂 But I also know it won’t just happen on its own, I need to work on it, I need to work on those obstacles that keep me from having power in my life.

So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself.

For you, it could be that reconnecting to yourself and your true needs (and meeting them, rather than sacrificing them for the sake of others) is what you need the most at this point. For me, it is connecting to my inner power. For you, it might be reconnecting to your body, your intuition, your inner voice?

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Hey Beni,

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

I understand. Would you like to say a bit more about this pain? (only if you want to share)

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.

For me, inner power is the ability to achieve what I want, to reach my goals (mostly career related), and to keep working towards it, in spite of obstacles. I get discouraged very easily and don’t have that persistence and commitment to see it through.

But inner power can include many other things, like standing up for yourself (which you mentioned), assertiveness, setting boundaries etc. But for me, it’s mostly the desire to achieve more and have a sense of accomplishment with regard to my career.

Hi Beni,

It’s kinda as soon as I’m out of sync with my being whatever I do feels painful or tense. There’s no lightness. If I’m in touch pain is not so painful it’s rather light pain or sweet pain.

Is it only related to physical pain (you mentioned sweet pain after you fall), or in general, in your life, when you are out of sync with your being, that you feel emotionally tense and heavy (no lightness)?

Aha, I think I understand. Basically to reach our inner worldly life goals.

Yes, to reach the goals which are aligned with my inner being, with who I am. Not someone else’s goals, but my own.

Somebody once told me we can’t do anything but pray. Which I understand as, we can’t do anything conscious but talk to our subconscious. I think and feel it’s a healthy perspective to act out of.

What do you think about this approach?

I feel that to pray about it is an aspect of it. You mean to pray for the resolution of our blocks, or to pray for strength, right?

Talking to our subconscious is another aspect of solving the problem, and I think it’s different than praying. Our subconscious is our inner child, so getting in touch with our inner child is definitely an aspect of healing/resolving  blocks. This also includes figuring out of false core beliefs, which might prevent us from going after our goals and dreams. These false core beliefs are also a part of our subconscious, i.e. our inner child’s thinking.

So definitely, becoming aware of our subconscious thoughts and beliefs is a must for moving forward.

And another big part of solving the problem is the plan of action – daily activities to support our goal. This is what actually brings us closer to our goal. Talking about it and understanding it is not enough. We need action.

This last bit is what has been missing from my life so far. I’ve uncovered my false beliefs (some major ones during the course of last year, while battling with my back pain), and now it’s action time. So this will be my challenge for this year – to finally make steps that bring me closer to my goal.