Dear Eric:

“She also told me that most of the time she drives her car, and at class in her uni, she’d think of me. Like she misses me. She never misses someone like this before. She also told me she’s happy that she met me this year, like she’s grateful, and tbh, when she said that, I suddenly shed tears (but she didn’t know about it).  Like someone really said that about me? Grateful meeting me? It’s unbelievable“-

– Believe it, Eric, believe the believable! This is your proof. It is possible to think of you in positive ways,

to miss you, to miss you more than anyone…

to be grateful to have met you… it is all true, it is all reality!

“She keeps asking me how do I act if I’m angry?“- she is right to be concern about angry behaviors. Actually, I am concerned about your anger toward her: a few days ago, you misinterpreted a few words she said to mean that she was thinking about going back to an old crush of hers, and you were angry at her. What if you continue to misinterpret what she says and get angry at her and then… mistreat her with undeserved, misplaced anger? I don’t want her to be mistreated.

I wrote to you yesterday: “it reads to me that you are suspicious of her, suspicious that while she is dating you, she is planning on going  back to her old crush… do you feel angry at her sometimes?“, and you answered: “Yes“. I am worried, Eric.

“She also asked me if I saw her bad attitude, will I leave her?“- I wonder what she meant by bad attitude. Did you ask her? If you didn’t, it’s probably a good idea to ask.

“She also asked… Will I leave her if she becomes fat later on? … Why is she being so pessimistic? It ruins my happy mood“- she is being pessimistic for the same reason you are pessimistic: like you, she is insecure and feels rejectable. You worry about your height; she worries about her weight.

Did you feel any empathy for her since the last phone conversation (for feeling insecure), or did you only feel disappointed and angry at her ( for not rewarding your dating efforts by saying what you want her to say, and saying it happily and optimistically: “I feel disappointed… It ruins my happy mood … Why can’t we just discuss everything happily…on every date I keep trying to make her feel special, to make her not bored being with me, giving her little surprises, But then she’s still pessimistic“)?

“I told her that I might shed tears later on… then she laughed and said pls don’t cry, I might feel sad too later on,  like how can she laugh? I thought I can express my emotion totally to her…“- she didn’t laugh at you, she probably laughed because she felt awkward. You misinterpreted her laugh.

You wrote toward the end of your first post yesterday: “I thought I can prepare my confession calmly, but everything she said in the call yesterday makes me down“-

– “everything she said” she said, including her saying that she misses you and feels grateful to have met you?

anita

Dear Eric:

Congrats for your 8th date! I will read and reply to you Mon morning, which is (for me) in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Eric:

“She told me… her highlight of this year is meeting me. Then my eyes started to get teary and immediately look away and wiped my tears. I can’t believe someone said that to me. It’s really unbelievable… Happiness like that also exist for a short guy like me…. There are some parts of life that is indeed beautiful“-

-her highlight this year, January—-> November 2022, has been meeting you! It is believable, I believe it. Please believe it yourself. And yes, life can be beautiful from time to time, and happiness like this is possible now and then. Don’t expect it all the time but look forward to it, because it is for you to experience… if you believe that it is (and it is!) possible for you.

I read your three recent posts very attentively and patiently so that I can offer you some helpful insights and suggestions, and yet, try to not repeat myself (saying the same thing over and over again). Please do not read my post quickly. Read it attentively and patiently, like I read yours.

Let’s look for a moment at the title you chose for this thread: “How can I get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?“– the first step in the way of accomplishing this objective is to take personal responsibility for your overthinking and insecurity. It means that you don’t blame your new girlfriend- or friends/ acquaintances or strangers- for your overthinking, insecurity, and bad moods.

For example, five days ago, Nov 16, you wrote: “She also asked… Will I leave her if she becomes fat later on? … Why is she being so pessimistic?… I feel disappointed… It ruins my happy mood … Why can’t we just discuss everything happily…on every date I keep trying to make her feel special, to make her not bored being with me, giving her little surprises, But then she’s still pessimistic““- you blamed her, and got angry with her, for ruining your happy mood. But it is not what she said that ruined your happy mood, it is what you thought about what she said that ruined your happy mood.

She did not ruin your happy mood; what happened in your brain ruined your happy mood.

I asked you if you felt empathy for her (for feeling insecure about becoming overweight), or only disappointed, and you answered about 15 hours ago: “tbh I only feel disappointed that she didn’t say what I want her to say. Because I’ve been trying my best to make her comfortable and also prevent us from future heartbreaks. I’m not ready for another heartbreak“.

You are so FOCUSED on your own worries that you don’t have the mental space to feel empathy for her. You didn’t think something empathetic like: oh, she is worried about her weight. I know how it feels because I worry about my height and scoliosis.. I know how it feels to be insecure, I am going to tell her that I understand and that I’ll be there for her no matter thin or overweight!

But you didn’t think something like the italicized above. Instead, you angrily thought: she is ruining my mood! And she is doing this to me after ALL I have done to make her feel special..!!

You asked: “Does relationship really causes this much pressure? Then I’m confused how people can enjoy relationships if there’s this much pressure?“- Who is causing this much pressure for you, Eric? Who is responsible for all that pressure?

I read about the beautiful way you confessed to her, giving her a book with your pictures together, and the flowers behind the seat. But I need you to attend to what I wrote above before I respond to the rest of your posts.

anita

Dear Eric:

“She also told me that she’s a person that can fall in love more, the more she know that person. And she said she loves me more every day. Like how can I not cherish her? When she said that I feel more and more grateful that I met her“- she sounds like a gem indeed, and I hope that you see yourself the way she sees you: lovable! It is possible to love you, and to love you even more!

“I did tell her that i tend to overthink and I’m a very cautious person… She said it’s good that I’m cautious but she tells me that sometimes I also need to have the courage to take a decision, not only being cautious and cant deciding on something“- she reads like an intelligent, honest and good hearted young woman, a gem indeed!

“I do reassure her, that if she gains more weight I’ll still love her“- good to read this!

“But yes, I also do feel disappointed, because I’ve been trying my best, thinking of ideas. Like what should I do more to make her more comfortable and make her more convinced that I’ll do my best for her. My head is already really tired thinking of ideas every time I meet her“- you should think way less about ideas to make her more comfortable: limit your thinking (if you can). Your overthinking (on any topic!) is hurting you and it will hurt her too, sooner or later.

Like I said repeatedly, I am worried that your occasional misinterpretation of her words, a misinterpretation that causes you to feel disappointed and angry at her, will lead to you mistreating her.

“I haven’t felt safe around her yet, like there’s still a high probability that she can leave me. That’s why I keep feeling this pressure, and I also try to avoid emotional pain and heartbreaks at all costs… I wanna cherish her and make her happy“- so being so afraid that she will leave you, you are at your best behavior: keeping your disappointment and anger to yourself, showing her how much you cherish her best you can…

I am worried that once you feel safer around her, you will then express your disappointments and anger (based on this or that misinterpretation of her words) and.. forget about cherishing her.

“Also there’s something I’d like ur opinion on this issue, as I’m going to meet her tomorrow…. Should I tell her that I once approached a person on social media..“- no, because your fears are based on a series of future events that may not happen: (1) the girl you are dating didn’t yet announce the relationship on social media and told you that she is not ready to do that yet, (2) if and when she posts about the relationship on social media, her sister’s close friend may not remember that you flirted with her and/ or may not say anything about, (3) If the close friend tells the sister of the girl you are dating, the sister may not say anything about it, (4) If she did, the girl you are dating may not think much about it and may not say anything about it to you.

“Or should I just let it go“- yes, let it go for now- if you can. Think about it again later,  if (and after) the events I referred in the #1, 2, 3 and 4, above happen.. if they happen.

anita

Dear Eric:

You are welcome. You started your recent post quoting my words about your overthinking, and followed the quote with saying nothing about your overthinking. Instead you said that she does not overthink.

Look at the title of your thread: “How can I get rid of this overthinking..?“-

– I am asking you today, Eric: how can you rid yourself of this overthinking?

anita

Dear Eric:

Not focusing on worries and negatives, and instead, focusing on the present time is a very good idea. The question is how to make it happen every day and throughout the day (and night).

“My head keeps telling me that in order to live a happy life, I need to use an equation, by listing all the worries in my head and find solutions in my head then proceed in doing life… like how I approached her sister’s close friend, I can’t change anything about it“-

– you can make a list of all your current worries (listing each worry in one short sentence). One of the worries you list would be “approaching her sister’s close friend“. Following each worry, write can change, or cannot change. Highlight the “can change” in yellow (representing: need to do something about it), and the “can’t change” in light blue (representing: nothing to do about it).  For each worry highlighted in yellow, list (1, 2, 3, etc.) what you need to do about it and when (keep your writing short and clear).

Next, every day at about the same time- maybe in the morning (you choose the time), update the list. Next, every time a worry pops into your mind, look at the list and see if the worry is already listed: if it is already listed and is highlighted in blue, close your eyes, take in a slow breath, imagine the blue sky, or blue ocean water and relax.

If it is highlighted in yellow, see what you listed in regard to what needs to be done and when, and ask yourself if there is something that you need to do in that moment. If there is- do it. If there isn’t- relax/ focus on something that needs to be done in the office, house, or garden.

“I start to think that I also need to have some self-worth instead of seeking quick relief (this is already become a habit of mine, so it’s hard to get rid of). Like what I mean by self-worth is that, If this girl decides to leave me… I should have the courage to accept it“- I like the way you think, Eric! I suggest that at the top of the paper where you list your worries, write in your favorite color: Self Worth and Courage.

At the bottom of the paper, write the Serenity Prayer: God (you can choose another word), grant me the serenity to Accept the things I Cannot Change; the Courage to change the things I Can Change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

anita