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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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  • #410204
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    She also told me that most of the time she drives her car, and at class in her uni, she’d think of me. Like she misses me. She never misses someone like this before. She also told me she’s happy that she met me this year, like she’s grateful, and tbh, when she said that, I suddenly shed tears (but she didn’t know about it).  Like someone really said that about me? Grateful meeting me? It’s unbelievable“-

    – Believe it, Eric, believe the believable! This is your proof. It is possible to think of you in positive ways,

    to miss you, to miss you more than anyone…

    to be grateful to have met you… it is all true, it is all reality!

    She keeps asking me how do I act if I’m angry?“- she is right to be concern about angry behaviors. Actually, I am concerned about your anger toward her: a few days ago, you misinterpreted a few words she said to mean that she was thinking about going back to an old crush of hers, and you were angry at her. What if you continue to misinterpret what she says and get angry at her and then… mistreat her with undeserved, misplaced anger? I don’t want her to be mistreated.

    I wrote to you yesterday: “it reads to me that you are suspicious of her, suspicious that while she is dating you, she is planning on going  back to her old crush… do you feel angry at her sometimes?“, and you answered: “Yes“. I am worried, Eric.

    She also asked me if I saw her bad attitude, will I leave her?“- I wonder what she meant by bad attitude. Did you ask her? If you didn’t, it’s probably a good idea to ask.

    She also asked… Will I leave her if she becomes fat later on? … Why is she being so pessimistic? It ruins my happy mood“- she is being pessimistic for the same reason you are pessimistic: like you, she is insecure and feels rejectable. You worry about your height; she worries about her weight.

    Did you feel any empathy for her since the last phone conversation (for feeling insecure), or did you only feel disappointed and angry at her ( for not rewarding your dating efforts by saying what you want her to say, and saying it happily and <i>optimistically</i>: “I feel disappointed… It ruins my happy mood … Why can’t we just discuss everything happily…on every date I keep trying to make her feel special, to make her not bored being with me, giving her little surprises, But then she’s still pessimistic“)?

    “<b>I told her that I might shed tears later on… then she laughed and said pls don’t cry, I might feel sad too later on,  like how can she laugh? I thought I can express my emotion totally to her…</b>”- she didn’t laugh at you, she probably laughed because she felt awkward. You misinterpreted her laugh.

    You wrote toward the end of your first post yesterday: “I thought I can prepare my confession calmly, but everything she said in the call yesterday makes me down“-

    – “everything she said” she said, including her saying that she misses you and feels grateful to have met you?

    anita

     

    #410209
    anita
    Participant

    Re-posted:

    Dear Eric:

    She also told me that most of the time she drives her car, and at class in her uni, she’d think of me. Like she misses me. She never misses someone like this before. She also told me she’s happy that she met me this year, like she’s grateful, and tbh, when she said that, I suddenly shed tears (but she didn’t know about it).  Like someone really said that about me? Grateful meeting me? It’s unbelievable“-

    – Believe it, Eric, believe the believable! This is your proof. It is possible to think of you in positive ways,

    to miss you, to miss you more than anyone…

    to be grateful to have met you… it is all true, it is all reality!

    She keeps asking me how do I act if I’m angry?“- she is right to be concern about angry behaviors. Actually, I am concerned about your anger toward her: a few days ago, you misinterpreted a few words she said to mean that she was thinking about going back to an old crush of hers, and you were angry at her. What if you continue to misinterpret what she says and get angry at her and then… mistreat her with undeserved, misplaced anger? I don’t want her to be mistreated.

    I wrote to you yesterday: “it reads to me that you are suspicious of her, suspicious that while she is dating you, she is planning on going  back to her old crush… do you feel angry at her sometimes?“, and you answered: “Yes“. I am worried, Eric.

    She also asked me if I saw her bad attitude, will I leave her?“- I wonder what she meant by bad attitude. Did you ask her? If you didn’t, it’s probably a good idea to ask.

    She also asked… Will I leave her if she becomes fat later on? … Why is she being so pessimistic? It ruins my happy mood“- she is being pessimistic for the same reason you are pessimistic: like you, she is insecure and feels rejectable. You worry about your height; she worries about her weight.

    Did you feel any empathy for her since the last phone conversation (for feeling insecure), or did you only feel disappointed and angry at her ( for not rewarding your dating efforts by saying what you want her to say, and saying it happily: “I feel disappointed… It ruins my happy mood … Why can’t we just discuss everything happily…on every date I keep trying to make her feel special, to make her not bored being with me, giving her little surprises, But then she’s still pessimistic“)?

    I told her that I might shed tears later on… then she laughed and said pls don’t cry, I might feel sad too later on,  like how can she laugh? I thought I can express my emotion totally to her…”- she didn’t laugh at you, she probably laughed because she felt awkward. You misinterpreted her laugh.

    You wrote toward the end of your first post yesterday: “I thought I can prepare my confession calmly, but everything she said in the call yesterday makes me down“-

    – “everything she said”: including her saying that she misses you and feels grateful to have met you?

    anita

    #410470
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    So i just finished my 8th date with her yesterday, as planned i confess to her in the car, by first giving her a book which has our pics in there and also the words that i wanna say… and after that i told her to close her eyes and i took the flowers behind the seat….. then i confess to her that i’ve never been this grateful meeting her and im happy…. Then she said she’s more grateful and happy, and she told me she cant believe that she met me this year and told me her highlight of this year is meeting me… then my eyes started to get teary and immediately look away and wipe my tears…. I cant believe someone said that to me…. It’s really unbelievable…..

    Then i told her it’s fine if she doesnt want it official yet, and i dont mind if we dont tell anyone first about our relationship, i just want to give her reassurance that im serious with her. She told me that she didnt expect me to confess that early (3 months), she thought it’s gonna be at the 5th or 6th month….

    She told me she want to keep going with me but not official yet as she isnt ready… and she thank me for giving her reassurance… and then she hugged me and said it once more that she’s really grateful to have met me….
    She told me she doesnt know if she can sleep that day, as she’s very happy…..

    Then we had dinner together…. On our journey to the restaurant… we started holding hands for the first time… and as usual in the restaurant we took a pic together with her holding my hands…..

    We then also discussed about our families, like discussing how will she meet my parents and how i will meet her parents…. We also discussed that if one day both of us gets bored, we shouldnt think of “ending” our relationship…, we should remember how both of us are grateful to each other…. And if there’s conflict we shouldnt immediately “end” it too…..
    But i still dont know, sometimes what we said didnt happen as planned…. I just hope both of us can keep going in a healthy and blissful relationship…

    We also discussed how several people gets conflict in marriage… we are both trying to prevent future conflicts in our relationship…

    Then after i went home…. I started to feel pressure that i have to meet her parents and etc…. When i was with her (only both of us) i really enjoy it… like we were enjoying both of our moments together…. But i know sooner or later we have to meet both of our families…. And that’s where i feel pressure….. What if there’s something wrong when i meet her parents, what if her parents told her that im not a good candidate? I’m not ready to get hurt again….. Also what if she doesnt like her family…. She told me that i should invite my sister if we go to the cinema next time, then I told her that my sister is an introvert that rarely talks… she might felt uncomfortable if i bring my sister… then she told me its fine, she can try talking to her….. i get pressured here too, i dont want to make her uncomfortable around my sister, and causes a crack in our relationship…..

    I also hope that it’s not too early for me and her to be in a “relationship”…. As im still 23 and she’s 21…..

    Like i feel everytime we discuss about meeting our families, i feel like our “lovey dovey” moments will start to get serious…. The flirting moments is going to be a responsibility… and that’s why i feel so much pressure… i dont want my weakness and etc to make her uncomfortable….

     

    Does relationship really causes this much pressure? Then im confused how people can enjoy relationships if there’s this much pressure?

     

    —————————————————————————

     

    I wonder what she meant by bad attitude. Did you ask her? If you didn’t, it’s probably a good idea to ask.

    = she told me that i havent seen her angry yet… like she could get angry in certain situations…. I have only seen the good side of her….. like she’s afraid if she could one day get angry at me… and also how i’ll be mad at her one day…

     

     

    Did you feel any empathy for her since the last phone conversation (for feeling insecure), or did you only feel disappointed and angry at her ( for not rewarding your dating efforts by saying what you want her to say,

    = tbh i only feel disappointed that she didnt said what i want her to say…. Because i’ve been trying my best to make her comfortable… and also prevent us from future heartbreaks…. I’m not ready for another heartbreak…..

     

     

    including her saying that she misses you and feels grateful to have met you?

    = i felt emotional when she said that, like i feel really grateful that she feels the same about me…. I’m really really really grateful when she said that….

    #410471
    Eric
    Participant

    Also my unaligned back and shoulder bone really annoys me, as when i talk to her in the car… i have to shift my body to the left for a long period of time… and i started to feel pain…. I need to get it fixed…. Or it will disturb our relationship….

    #410472
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Congrats for your 8th date! I will read and reply to you Mon morning, which is (for me) in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #410478
    Eric
    Participant

    Yesterday’s confession is still unbelievable for me…. Like happiness like that also exist for a short guy like me…. There are some parts of life that is indeed beautiful….

    But tbh after that day, i still get worried….”what if we both are in a LDR situation in the future”? I cant beat it…. Even imagining it is already painful to me….. I tried to calm myself by reminding that i just have to focus in the present…. But still i’d like to avoid LDR at all costs….

    #410488
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    She told me… her highlight of this year is meeting me. Then my eyes started to get teary and immediately look away and wiped my tears. I can’t believe someone said that to me. It’s really unbelievable… Happiness like that also exist for a short guy like me…. There are some parts of life that is indeed beautiful“-

    -her highlight this year, January—-> November 2022, has been meeting you! It is believable, I believe it. Please believe it yourself. And yes, life can be beautiful from time to time, and happiness like this is possible now and then. Don’t expect it all the time but look forward to it, because it is for you to experience… if you believe that it is (and it is!) possible for you.

    I read your three recent posts very attentively and patiently so that I can offer you some helpful insights and suggestions, and yet, try to not repeat myself (saying the same thing over and over again). Please do not read my post quickly. Read it attentively and patiently, like I read yours.

    Let’s look for a moment at the title you chose for this thread: “How can I get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?“– the first step in the way of accomplishing this objective is to take personal responsibility for your overthinking and insecurity. It means that you don’t blame your new girlfriend- or friends/ acquaintances or strangers- for your overthinking, insecurity, and bad moods.

    For example, five days ago, Nov 16, you wrote: “She also asked… Will I leave her if she becomes fat later on? … Why is she being so pessimistic?… I feel disappointed… It ruins my happy mood … Why can’t we just discuss everything happily…on every date I keep trying to make her feel special, to make her not bored being with me, giving her little surprises, But then she’s still pessimistic““- you blamed her, and got angry with her, for ruining your happy mood. But it is not what she said that ruined your happy mood, it is what you thought about what she said that ruined your happy mood.

    She did not ruin your happy mood; what happened in your brain ruined your happy mood.

    I asked you if you felt empathy for her (for feeling insecure about becoming overweight), or only disappointed, and you answered about 15 hours ago: “tbh I only feel disappointed that she didn’t say what I want her to say. Because I’ve been trying my best to make her comfortable and also prevent us from future heartbreaks. I’m not ready for another heartbreak“.

    You are so FOCUSED on your own worries that you don’t have the mental space to feel empathy for her. You didn’t think something empathetic like: oh, she is worried about her weight. I know how it feels because I worry about my height and scoliosis.. I know how it feels to be insecure, I am going to tell her that I understand and that I’ll be there for her no matter thin or overweight!

    But you didn’t think something like the italicized above. Instead, you angrily thought: she is ruining my mood! And she is doing this to me after ALL I have done to make her feel special..!!

    You asked: “Does relationship really causes this much pressure? Then I’m confused how people can enjoy relationships if there’s this much pressure?“- Who is causing this much pressure for you, Eric? Who is responsible for all that pressure?

    I read about the beautiful way you confessed to her, giving her a book with your pictures together, and the flowers behind the seat. But I need you to attend to what I wrote above before I respond to the rest of your posts.

    anita

    #410633
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    you blamed her, and got angry with her, for ruining your happy mood. But it is not what she said that ruined your happy mood, it is what you thought about what she said that ruined your happy mood.

    She did not ruin your happy mood; what happened in your brain ruined your happy mood.

    I asked you if you felt empathy for her (for feeling insecure about becoming overweight), or only disappointed, and you answered about 15 hours ago: “tbh I only feel disappointed that she didn’t say what I want her to say. Because I’ve been trying my best to make her comfortable and also prevent us from future heartbreaks. I’m not ready for another heartbreak“.

    You are so FOCUSED on your own worries that you don’t have the mental space to feel empathy for her. You didn’t think something empathetic like: oh, she is worried about her weight. I know how it feels because I worry about my height and scoliosis.. I know how it feels to be insecure, I am going to tell her that I understand and that I’ll be there for her no matter thin or overweight!

    But you didn’t think something like the italicized above. Instead, you angrily thought: she is ruining my mood! And she is doing this to me after ALL I have done to make her feel special..!!

    = I apolgize if i didnt explain completely…well i do reassure her, that if she gains more weight i’ll still love her…. I said that we should both cherish this as we’re both grateful that we met each other….. we shouldnt waste something that we are grateful on….

    But yes i also do feel disappointed, because i’ve been trying my best, thinking of ideas…. Like what should i do more to make her more comfortable and make her more convinced that i’ll do my best for her…. My head is already really tired thinking of ideas everytime i meet her….

    I still couldnt tell her about my insecurities, as i feel that im not ready yet…. And right now isnt the right time…

    But i did tell her that i tend to overthink and i’m a very cautious person… i’ll not do anything that’ll cause conflict or problems…. She said it’s good that i’m cautious but she tell me that sometimes i also need to have the courage to take a decision, not only being cautious and cant deciding on something….

     

     

    Who is causing this much pressure for you, Eric? Who is responsible for all that pressure?

    = maybe its because i havent feel safe around her yet, like there’s still a high probability that she can leave me…. That’s why i keep feeling this pressure… and i also try to avoid emotional pain and heartbreaks at all costs….

     

    Also there’s something, i’d like ur opinion on this issue… as i’m going to meet her tomorrow…. And idk this issue might cause a problem or not…

    Should i tell her that i once approach a person on social media, who is one of her sister’s close friend? Like i did try to flirt with her for 2 months through texts but i decided to stop….

    I just wanna avoid if she decides to post our relationship on social media, this “close friend of her sister” might tell her sister that i used to approach her and leave… and then her sister telling this girl im dating right now… and she might ask me?

    Like why did i approach her sister friend’s first instead of her? Because she used to ask me why didnt i approach her when i started to follow her on social media, as it took me a year to approach her after i follow her…. Like she might think she’s my second choice in pursuing….. (is my explanation confusing?)

    Or should i just let it go… as there’s also a chance that “close friend of her sister” might not tell her sister……

    #410634
    Eric
    Participant

    I read about the beautiful way you confessed to her, giving her a book with your pictures together, and the flowers behind the seat. But I need you to attend to what I wrote above before I respond to the rest of your posts.

    = thank you for complimenting my confession to her!

    #410635
    Eric
    Participant

    She also told me that most guys tend to stop loving after getting to know for a year or more… like guys only show affection on the early stage of dating….

    But i wanna prove her im not that type of guy, i told her that im really grateful to have met her….. it took me lots of years to find a girl like her, i dont wanna waste it, i wanna cherish her…. I really really wanna cherish her…

    When she thought that i might not show affection anymore after i know her for a year or more, i was quite surprised, because that’s what i fear…. I fear that she might think im not good enough and finally leave me…..  I wanna cherish her and make her happy….

    This is why i hope there wont be any situation that could disrupt our relationship, ex: LDR, her parents not accepting me, etc

    She also told me that she’s a person that can fall in love more, the more she know that person…. And she said she loves me more everyday…. Like how can i not cherish her? When she said that i feel more and more grateful that i meet her….

    #410656
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    She also told me that she’s a person that can fall in love more, the more she know that person. And she said she loves me more every day. Like how can I not cherish her? When she said that I feel more and more grateful that I met her“- she sounds like a gem indeed, and I hope that you see yourself the way she sees you: lovable! It is possible to love you, and to love you even more!

    I did tell her that i tend to overthink and I’m a very cautious person… She said it’s good that I’m cautious but she tells me that sometimes I also need to have the courage to take a decision, not only being cautious and cant deciding on something“- she reads like an intelligent, honest and good hearted young woman, a gem indeed!

    I do reassure her, that if she gains more weight I’ll still love her“- good to read this!

    But yes, I also do feel disappointed, because I’ve been trying my best, thinking of ideas. Like what should I do more to make her more comfortable and make her more convinced that I’ll do my best for her. My head is already really tired thinking of ideas every time I meet her“- you should think way less about ideas to make her more comfortable: limit your thinking (if you can). Your overthinking (on any topic!) is hurting you and it will hurt her too, sooner or later.

    Like I said repeatedly, I am worried that your occasional misinterpretation of her words, a misinterpretation that causes you to feel disappointed and angry at her, will lead to you mistreating her.

    I haven’t felt safe around her yet, like there’s still a high probability that she can leave me. That’s why I keep feeling this pressure, and I also try to avoid emotional pain and heartbreaks at all costs… I wanna cherish her and make her happy“- so being so afraid that she will leave you, you are at your best behavior: keeping your disappointment and anger to yourself, showing her how much you cherish her best you can…

    I am worried that once you feel safer around her, you will then express your disappointments and anger (based on this or that misinterpretation of her words) and.. forget about cherishing her.

    Also there’s something I’d like ur opinion on this issue, as I’m going to meet her tomorrow…. Should I tell her that I once approached a person on social media..“- no, because your fears are based on a series of future events that may not happen: (1) the girl you are dating didn’t yet announce the relationship on social media and told you that she is not ready to do that yet, (2) if and when she posts about the relationship on social media, her sister’s close friend may not remember that you flirted with her and/ or may not say anything about, (3) If the close friend tells the sister of the girl you are dating, the sister may not say anything about it, (4) If she did, the girl you are dating may not think much about it and may not say anything about it to you.

    Or should I just let it go“- yes, let it go for now- if you can. Think about it again later,  if (and after) the events I referred in the #1, 2, 3 and 4, above happen.. if they happen.

    anita

     

    #410681
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    you should think way less about ideas to make her more comfortable: limit your thinking (if you can). Your overthinking (on any topic!) is hurting you and it will hurt her too, sooner or later

    = well she is not an overthinking type of person, she tends to do everything by going with the flow….

    Also she told me that if her parents “disagree” after meeting her “boyfriend”…. She said she’ll listen to them…. After hearing this i feel pressure and i hope i can impress her parents and can connect well with her family…. I really really hope so…. As this is gonna be a first time experience for me….

     

    so being so afraid that she will leave you, you are at your best behavior: keeping your disappointment and anger to yourself, showing her how much you cherish her best you can…

    I am worried that once you feel safer around her, you will then express your disappointments and anger (based on this or that misinterpretation of her words) and.. forget about cherishing her.

    = im pretty sure i’ll keep cherishing her…. Because i’ve been waiting for a girl like her for lots of years, i dont want to waste a person this precious…..

    As for the disappointment issue, maybe its quite hard… but i’ll try to control it….. it’s due to my overthinking as i keep imagining future events that can cause disappointments…..

     

    no, because your fears are based on a series of future events that may not happen

    = even in the LDR case? Like my mind listed it as one of the worries, seeking quick relief?

    Like there is a possibility of it, but right now we’re not in LDR…. after meeting her several times, now i know LDR is very hard, even not meeting her for a few days, and i already miss her so bad…..

     

     

    yes, let it go for now- if you can. Think about it again later,  if (and after) the events I referred in the #1, 2, 3 and 4, above happen.. if they happen.

    = thank you for the advice!

    #410701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome. You started your recent post quoting my words about your overthinking, and followed the quote with saying nothing about your overthinking. Instead you said that she does not overthink.

    Look at the title of your thread: “How can I get rid of this overthinking..?“-

    – I am asking you today, Eric: how can you rid yourself of this overthinking?

    anita

    #410734
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    I can get rid of the overthinking by not focusing on the worries and negatives? I have to stop being so cautious and not thinking of series of future events? And just live in the present? Like i need to stop listing all the worries that i imagine…

    My head keeps telling me that in order to live a happy life… i need to use an equation, by listing all the worries in my head and find solutions in my head then proceed in doing life…. Which will turn out positive with that equation….

     

    I start to think that i also need to have some self worth instead of seeking quick relief (this is already become a habit of mine, so its hard to get rid of)….

    Like what i mean by self worth is that, If this girl decides to leave me, for mistakes that i did in the past (that i cant change anymore, like how i approach her sister’s close friend… i cant change anything about it) i should have the courage to accept it….. Although it will be very painful…. But i cant change anything about it…. I hope i can be lucky and avoid that situation…

    #410740
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Not focusing on worries and negatives, and instead, focusing on the present time is a very good idea. The question is how to make it happen every day and throughout the day (and night).

    My head keeps telling me that in order to live a happy life, I need to use an equation, by listing all the worries in my head and find solutions in my head then proceed in doing life… like how I approached her sister’s close friend, I can’t change anything about it“-

    – you can make a list of all your current worries (listing each worry in one short sentence). One of the worries you list would be “approaching her sister’s close friend“. Following each worry, write can change, or cannot change. Highlight the “can change” in yellow (representing: need to do something about it), and the “can’t change” in light blue (representing: nothing to do about it).  For each worry highlighted in yellow, list (1, 2, 3, etc.) what you need to do about it and when (keep your writing short and clear).

    Next, every day at about the same time- maybe in the morning (you choose the time), update the list. Next, every time a worry pops into your mind, look at the list and see if the worry is already listed: if it is already listed and is highlighted in blue, close your eyes, take in a slow breath, imagine the blue sky, or blue ocean water and relax.

    If it is highlighted in yellow, see what you listed in regard to what needs to be done and when, and ask yourself if there is something that you need to do in that moment. If there is- do it. If there isn’t- relax/ focus on something that needs to be done in the office, house, or garden.

    “<b>I start to think that I also need to have some self-worth instead of seeking quick relief (this is already become a habit of mine, so it’s hard to get rid of). Like what I mean by self-worth is that, If this girl decides to leave me… I should have the courage to accept it</b>“- I like the way you think, Eric! I suggest that at the top of the paper where you list your worries, write in your favorite color: Self Worth and Courage.

    At the bottom of the paper, write the Serenity Prayer: God (you can choose another word), grant me the serenity to Accept the things I Cannot Change; the Courage to change the things I Can Change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    anita

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