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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 178 total)
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  • #410742
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Reposted:

    Dear Eric:

    Not focusing on worries and negatives, and instead, focusing on the present time is a very good idea. The question is how to make it happen every day and throughout the day (and night).

    My head keeps telling me that in order to live a happy life, I need to use an equation, by listing all the worries in my head and find solutions in my head then proceed in doing life… like how I approached her sister’s close friend, I can’t change anything about it“-

    – you can make a list of all your current worries (listing each worry in one short sentence). One of the worries you list would be “approaching her sister’s close friend“. Following each worry, write can change, or cannot change. Highlight the “can change” in yellow (representing: need to do something about it), and the “can’t change” in light blue (representing: nothing to do about it).  For each worry highlighted in yellow, list (1, 2, 3, etc.) what you need to do about it and when (keep your writing short and clear).

    Next, every day at about the same time- maybe in the morning (you choose the time), update the list. Next, every time a worry pops into your mind, look at the list and see if the worry is already listed: if it is already listed and is highlighted in blue, close your eyes, take in a slow breath, imagine the blue sky, or blue ocean water and relax.

    If it is highlighted in yellow, see what you listed in regard to what needs to be done and when, and ask yourself if there is something that you need to do in that moment. If there is- do it. If there isn’t- relax/ focus on something that needs to be done in the office, house, or garden.

    I start to think that I also need to have some self-worth instead of seeking quick relief (this is already become a habit of mine, so it’s hard to get rid of). Like what I mean by self-worth is that, If this girl decides to leave me… I should have the courage to accept it“- I like the way you think, Eric! I suggest that at the top of the paper where you list your worries, write in your favorite color: Self Worth and Courage.

    At the bottom of the paper, write the Serenity Prayer: God (you can choose another word), grant me the serenity to Accept the things I Cannot Change; the Courage to change the things I Can Change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    anita

    #410868
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

    I apologize if i suddenly switch topics, i’ll reply on your thread above soon….

    So yesterday i’ve met her parents and the meet up was quite okay… but i feel like i made several mistakes and there are issues that i need to fix, this really causes an upset to myself… like emotionally down…

    Would u like to hear it? Or u might think this is just another scratch for a quick relief?

    #410869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    First, congratulations for having met her parents, and it being “quite okay”!

    Second, I very much appreciate that you asked me if I want to hear about it before telling me about it. It tells me that you are aware of the itch and scratch-the-itch issue and you are considerate of me, thank you! Here is what I suggest: instead of listing all the possible mistakes you think you made,  tell me- in detail- why you think that the meeting was quite okay.

    I will be away from the computer for the next 11 hours or so (it is late evening here) and will look at your thread in the morning.

    anita

     

    #410871
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

    This isnt the possible mistakes, but rather my disappointment in myself yesterday….

    So before the food was served i pretend to the toilet and after that i immediately went to the cashier to pay the food bills… I want to treat that dinner, but than that girl saw me and told me i cant pay because her parents was the one who invited…. I was disappointed because when she said that i didnt keep insisting that i have to pay, then i just give up and let her pay… after the dinner i regret it… i shouldve keep insisting that i was the one paying… To have a better impression on her parents and because i think that a guy have to treat the girl’s parents… idk how her parents might think of me that in the end they are the one paying…. I feel like next time i need to be quicker and unnoticeable, but then i failed yesterday…

    The other one was because at that dinner i was so quiet, as i thought in the first meeting i shouldnt talk too much and just let her parents ask what they want to know about me…. But then they didnt asked a lot…. After the dinner, that girl told me that her parents dont want to ask a lot because they dont want to make me uncomfortable… On this issue, i feel like i need to speak more to her family members…. As her mother told her, that her impression is that im a quiet person, and a guy shouldnt be too quiet….

     

     

    The meeting was quite okay because her mother was friendly to me… she even took a fish meat and put it in my plate….

    And that dinner is because of her brothers birthday dinner so i was invited…. Although at that dinner they didnt bring any cakes and the dinner was only her parents, her brother, her and me…. Her sister was out of town…. Luckily i brought a cake to that dinner, for her brother… and her mother thank me and told me in a smile and friendly way “its okay you dont have to trouble yourself in bringing the cake”

    Also her family was more friendly than i was expected….

     

    This is my first time experience meeting a girl’s parents…

    After that dinner i went home in disappointment, i felt so much pressure that everything is now serious…. Like i need to be financially and emotionally stable…. I even woke up several times in my sleep, as i feel i did lots of mistakes….

    I really really wanna cherish her, i hope i can be strong in accepting this pressure…. And it look like there is going to be another dinner with her parents again soon, this time with her sister and her future husband…. I hope i can talk more and also i need to be quicker and unnoticeable to pay the bills….. If i failed to pay again on that dinner, i’m planning to invite her parents on a dinner… as i want to treat them as a hosts…

     

    But before eating with her parents again, she’s going to have lunch with my parents this week…

    #410872
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Actually overall, idk if it was quite okay or not…

    The good part is that her parents are friendly and i brought okay, the bad part is that im not communicative and i failed to pay the bills…

    #410873
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    I will reply further in the morning,  but for now, after reading your two recent posts, I think you did quite well, and that it was better that you accepted her parents paying for the meal, than if you argued about paying the bill (it would have been disrespectful of her parents if you argued about their choice to pay the bill!).

    anita

    #410877
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita

    Thank you so much for immediately reassuring me, i’m grateful…

    My head is mostly filled with thoughts that her parents might think im stingy for not paying the bills….

     

    #410884
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I keep having thoughts after yesterday’s dinner “do i still deserve her?” “ have i failed her?”…

    I wanna do my best for her, but always end up making mistakes in crucial times…. I am really grateful to have met her…. I want to cherish her… I dont want her to get hurt….

    I hope next time’s situation will be kinder to me, i dont want to mess up anything again…

    #410890
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    her family was more friendly than I was expected. This is my first time experience meeting a girl’s parents“- this is a good thing, that her parents/ family were friendly to you, a very good thing for a first time experience.

    “So, yesterday I’ve met her parents and the meet up was quite okay, but I feel like I made several mistakes and there are issues that I need to fix… after the dinner I regret it,  I should’ve… idk how her parents might think of me…  I need to speak more to her family members… a guy shouldn’t be too quiet… I even woke up several times in my sleep, as I feel I did lots of mistakes… My head is mostly filled with thoughts that her parents might think I’m stingy… I keep having thoughts after yesterday’s dinner ‘do I still deserve her?’, ‘have i failed her?’… always end up making mistakes in crucial times… I don’t want to mess up anything again”-

    -The themes of detecting mistakes after an event that you consider crucial, then regretting the mistakes, and then overthinking about fixing the mistakes continue. I am not surprised because I know how strong these mental habits are. You are so afraid of making mistakes and messing things up, that you see mistakes where there are no mistakes.

    Every single thing that happens during what you consider a crucial time, can easily become- in your mind- a disastrous mistake. These mental habits bring you a lot of misery and they exhaust you. A person is not likely to learn and function better when miserable and exhausted.

    It seems to me that Eric believes that Eric is a Mistake, and therefore Anything that Eric Does (or doesn’t do) is likely to be a mistake. Therefore, Eric is policing himself. It is as if Eric is three people in one: a Criminal (whose crime is to make disastrous mistakes), a Police officer (whose job is to guard the criminal so to prevent him from making mistakes ), and a Judge (whose job is to punish the criminal and to tell the criminal how to fix his mistakes).

    But Eric is Not a Mistake. He believes he is and he suffers for it a lot.. unnecessarily. I communicated with you for years, and I can tell you with confidence: you are not a mistake. You deserve love, appreciation and respect. You deserve to be cherished like you want to cherish her.

    In regard to the specifics of what you shared recently: you being quiet and seeming to be shy would be a plus for many parents of young women because they don’t want loud and aggressive men to sexually take advantage of their daughters, and they feel safer knowing- or believing- that the man dating their young daughter is shy. It is similar to what she (the woman you are dating) told you: that she prefers an inexperienced guy because an experienced guy will do things to her that she doesn’t want done (I forgot the exact words she used).

    Try to relax into who you really are, Eric: Not a Mistake but a human being like me, like the woman you are dating, like her father.. not less than any other person. You are not an exception to humanity, you are part of humanity.. you are a person like me.

    anita

    #410931
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your response and for trying to reassure me….

     

    But Eric is Not a Mistake. He believes he is and he suffers for it a lot.. unnecessarily. I communicated with you for years, and I can tell you with confidence: you are not a mistake. You deserve love, appreciation and respect. You deserve to be cherished like you want to cherish her.

    = Yes i do. I really do want to be cherished… I would be really grateful and blessed if that person cherish me back as much as i cherish them…. Although i might find it hard to believe….

    That girl told me that she’s been waiting for a guy like me, and wants to cherish me…. I still cant believe those words, as it’s still to unreal for me…. But i will cherish and do my best for her…

    I told her that she doesnt have to give me gifts, or anything like that…. I only need her to stay by my side through ups and downs ,and keep loving me is already enough… the gifts and etc are only bonuses….

     

     

     

    Try to relax into who you really are, Eric: Not a Mistake but a human being like me, like the woman you are dating, like her father.. not less than any other person. You are not an exception to humanity, you are part of humanity.. you are a person like me.

    =

    Actually i start to feel better about myself than last year, im sure you notice it too…. But im still being as harsh as last year to myself if i make mistake… I feel i cant tolerate it because the mistake i made might be irreversible, and she is a gem for me…. I dont wanna let go of what i cherish…. But i also feel that i need to have a self worth too…. I care about another person, but not myself…

    There are also some things that i realize after i gain some experience, at first i thought i need to list the places that i need to go with her so that she wont get bored, but the truth is… its okay to go to the same place again and again….

    And i get rid of my overthinking “a bit” because i realize that overthinking is a waste of time, and after being with this girl… i feel like a day pasts very quickly…. And instead of overthinking, i should find more and more ways to improve our relationship…. I also realize that as an adult, i need to be able to overcome pressure and learn to stay calm when being in a pressure instead of dwelling…..

    But still, even when i realize this… im still very easily consumed by overthinking…

     

    Also regarding this issue maybe because what i fear that due to this mistake of mine, they could prevent me from cherishing her….

    The reason i met her parents is because her sister (who’s not in our town) told her mother, that her mother should meet the guy who’s been going out with her little sister….
    And that girl told me to have a dinner with her parents, so that her older sister wont tell her mother those words….

    I wanna assure them that im a good guy, i want to cherish that girl, she’s precious to me…..

    I assume her older sister is more judgmental than her parents…. And im going to have dinner with her family again between 18-23 december… this time with her older sister and her future husband…. So im going to meet 2 new people…. I hope this time i wont disappoint, and be able to communicate with them….

     

     

    In regard to the specifics of what you shared recently: you being quiet and seeming to be shy would be a plus for many parents of young women because they don’t want loud and aggressive men to sexually take advantage of their daughters, and they feel safer knowing- or believing- that the man dating their young daughter is shy. It is similar to what she (the woman you are dating) told you: that she prefers an inexperienced guy because an experienced guy will do things to her that she doesn’t want done (I forgot the exact words she used).

    = In the next family dinner with them, i hope this time i can quietly pay the bills, because i really feel that i need to do this tasks… and i also plan to invite her parents to a dinner next year… as i cant this year because im going on a holiday on christmas eve till new year….. Also because next year her older sister will go back to the capital and not on our city…. So she and her husband wont be there, because in the next family dinner with them around, i feel like i cant talk a lot…. I wanna invite her parents to a dinner so i can talk more and assure them that im serious and wanna cherish their daughter…. I hope this plan of mine will work well….
    Just give me some time to adapt….

     

    Yes you are right, she prefers an inexperience guy, because an experienced guy might take advantage of her…. But still, her mother said to her that im too quiet and i wanna improve that… yes maybe its a good thing that im shy and inexperienced, but still i also must able to communicate with her parents, and assure that her daughter is right to choose me….

     

    Also i hope im not too early in confessing to her. That after 3 months i already meet her parents like this, in my first time experience… I confess to her that time to show that we’ve been going out because im serious for long term, not only for just a routine casual dating….
    We arent officially a couple, so i’m going to confess again next time… that time it’ll be more official….

    #410958
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome. I feel very good reading your most recent post: in my experience with you, this is the healthiest you’ve ever been and I am so excited!!!

    That girl told me that she’s been waiting for a guy like me, and wants to cherish me. I still can’t believe those words“- it feels wonderful to hear and to believe these words, doesn’t it?

    I’m still being as harsh as last year to myself if I make mistake. I feel I can’t tolerate it because the mistake I made might be irreversible“- (1) as long as you are being harsh to yourself, you will not improve. (2) death is irreversible for everyone, yet we keep living, don’t we?

    I need to have self-worth too. I care about another person, but not myself“- I have learned that when a person has no self-worth, or too little of it, the person cannot love another person well, not for long.

    At first I thought I need to list the places that I need to go with her so that she won’t get bored, but the truth is it’s okay to go to the same place again and again“- congrats for learning this. Keep learning, Eric!

    I get rid of my overthinking ‘a bit’ because I realize that overthinking is a waste of time, and after being with this girl, I feel like a day passes very quickly“- when one’s life is filled with meaning, it gets interesting and there is less time to overthink.

    As an adult, I need to be able to overcome pressure and learn to stay calm“- to accomplish this, you will have to not put pressure on yourself because when you do, it makes you weaker. You have to be patient and gentle with yourself (not impatient and harsh).

    I wanna assure them that I’m a good guy. I want to cherish that girl“- she (the girl you are dating) has probably been telling her parents and older sister- for some time now-  that you are a good guy and that you cherish her.

    I’m going to have dinner with her family again between 18-23 December,  this time with her older sister and her future husband. So, I’m going to meet 2 new people. I hope this time I won’t disappoint“- I hope that by that time you will change your attitude regarding (1) the inevitability of making mistakes: everyone makes mistakes, including her parents, her sister, her sister’s future husband, the waiters at the restaurant where you will be having dinner… and everyone else, (2) being gentle and patient with yourself instead of being harsh and impatient.

    I hope this time I can quietly pay the bills“- make sure that you pay the bill by arranging for it ahead of time.

    Her mother said to her that I’m too quiet and I wanna improve that. Yes, maybe it’s a good thing that I’m shy and inexperienced, but still I also must able to communicate with her parents“- practice talking to her parents out loud, you can do so when you are alone. And remember, be harsh and impatient with yourself, and you will fail; be gentle and patient with yourself, and you will succeed.

    anita

    #410981
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

     

    Also there’s something I’d like ur opinion on this issue, as I’m going to meet her tomorrow…. Should I tell her that I once approached a person on social media..“- no, because your fears are based on a series of future events that may not happen: (1) the girl you are dating didn’t yet announce the relationship on social media and told you that she is not ready to do that yet, (2) if and when she posts about the relationship on social media, her sister’s close friend may not remember that you flirted with her and/ or may not say anything about, (3) If the close friend tells the sister of the girl you are dating, the sister may not say anything about it, (4) If she did, the girl you are dating may not think much about it and may not say anything about it to you.

    “Or should I just let it go“- yes, let it go for now- if you can. Think about it again later,  if (and after) the events I referred in the #1, 2, 3 and 4, above happen.. if they happen.

     

    = i’d like to continue our discussion regarding this issue….

    My explanations might be a bit confusing…

     

     

    Dont you think that i need to prepare for the worst?

    Like maybe those 1-4 scenarios didnt happen,

    but a 5th scenario might happen….

    In which the sister told her, or maybe some kind of circumstance causes her to know i once approach one of her sister’s best friend… and her sister advices her to stay away from me as i’m considered some kind of “playboy” who texts many girls and i’ve hurted her best friend…. Which resulting in that girl whom i date now to be disappointed in me… and lost her feelings for me….

    or maybe a 6th scenario

    In which her sister’s future husband has a close friend, one of them is my former neighbour who moved away a month ago, he is quite a gossip type of guy… so i used to ask him which girl should i chase first? Girl A (the one i left after texting for about two months) or Girl B (the one im dating now)… so i decided to text girl A first and after about two months i stopped,

    and i told him how i stop (i really regret this…)… it is due to that girl A’s father has more than 2 wives (polygamy) then that former neighbour of mine laughs and tell me “who you are dating? The father or the girl?” Why ‘d u concern with her father… I also stop to text that girl because i find her unattractive (she’s more chubby than i imagined (im being honest here))….

    So in this 6th scenario, i feat that gossip guy might told his close friend (future husband of the sister)… and that future husband might told the sister and the sister told the girl im dating with… that i have a bad personality in which i judge a girl due to her father has many wives (polygamy)… and also due to she’s more chubby than i imagine….

    I even told the girl im dating now that if she gains weight i’ll still love her… and i really do… but if that 6th scenario happen… she might not trust me….

    How i wish i can change those past mistakes of mine…. I’d be really devastated if she’s disappointed in me due to those two scenarios… i really really want to cherish her….

    I really want to improve my relationship with her, without being disrupted by my past mistakes….

     

    —————————————————————————

    it feels wonderful to hear and to believe these words, doesn’t it?

    = yes it does, i hope what she said is really genuine and true…

     

    I have learned that when a person has no self-worth, or too little of it, the person cannot love another person well, not for long.

    = i want to love her for a long time…. I’ve been waiting all this time to meet this type of girl….

     

    she (the girl you are dating) has probably been telling her parents and older sister- for some time now-  that you are a good guy and that you cherish her.

    = i hope so… cause i really wanna cherish her, i dont wanna make her sad… i want to do my best for her….

     

    I hope that by that time you will change your attitude regarding (1) the inevitability of making mistakes: everyone makes mistakes, including her parents, her sister, her sister’s future husband, the waiters at the restaurant where you will be having dinner… and everyone else, (2) being gentle and patient with yourself instead of being harsh and impatient.

    = i will try to stay calm at that time…. I hope my mind is really in a good state that time, cause it could affect how i’ll communicate later on… i hope i can give a good impression to her sister and her future husband, as well as a better impression to her parents and brother….

    Wish me luck…..

     

     

    practice talking to her parents out loud, you can do so when you are alone. And remember, be harsh and impatient with yourself, and you will fail; be gentle and patient with yourself, and you will succeed

    = im pretty sure the next time i meet her parents, i’ll talk more… maybe not too much, but definitely gonna be more communicative than the first meeting….
    I also told that her “please give me more time, i’ll adapt and talk more to your parents”… and she said to me relax… dont pressure yourself… you have all the time you want….. when she said that im really happy…. More grateful to have met a girl like her, i dont want to disappoint her…

    #410982
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I told that girl that i want to fulfill my wishlist together with her, such as doing activities together, going to the museum together, to the theme park together, going on a holiday together, etc…

    She told me that she wants that as well, she said she’s happy as long as its being with me… even only accompanying me will already make her happy….

    This is why i really really hope, none of that scenario that i mentioned above happen, we’re already on the right track…. I dont want my careless/past mistakes to ruin everything…. She’s really a gem…

    I just learnt my lesson, i shouldnt told anyone if i wanna chase someone…. I regret it.. Making me feel uneasy…. Like they have a chance to disrupt my relationship….

    #410986
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Eric

    In buddhism there is a set of teachings on right speech.  it includes is it timely? is it helpful?, will it be received & is it truthful,is it said kindly when your mind is free from afflictions etc so with that in mind  you could say something like . When I felt ready for a relationship I put out various feelers before I met you & I am so glad that they came to naught as I would not have met you and am having a fulfilling time with you & I hope that you are also happy with our relationship. This hopefully will make her feel appreciated & secure and if she has anything similar in her past she has the opportunity to bring it up & you can let go that bit of your past .

    #411007
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    I’d like to continue our discussion regarding this issue….Like maybe those 1-4 scenarios (will not) happen, but a 5th scenario might happen… or maybe a 6th scenario“- I started feeling dizzy reading your 5th and 6th scenarios. It felt like I went on a rollercoaster in your brain and it was a very unpleasant experience, so I got off the rollercoaster and stopped paying attention to your scenarios.

    I will try to stay calm at that time. I hope my mind is really in a good state that time… Wish me luck“- I wish you calm, a good mental state, and luck!

    She said to me relax, don’t pressure yourself. You have all the time you want… she said she’s happy as long as it’s being with me… She’s really a gem“- I agree, she really is a gem. Don’t take her on your rollercoaster rides then.. it may make her feel as dizzy as it made me feel.

    anita

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